I’ll probably delete this app soon !! Goodbye tumblr !!
How you’ve served me in my early 20s
I was deleting pictures on my Instagram and found these two from when I was 24. That was probably the LOWEST point in my life, right before several rehab stints. I’d stopped eating and carried around 40s of vodka in my purse. Yes I know I’ve always had “issues” with drinking and over drinking but at 24 I was a full blown alcoholic my health started deteriorating and I was told I needed to detox.
Lookig at those first two pictures — makes my heart so sad. For so many damn years I spent miserable with myself. I was my worst enemy and I chose stay stuck and Feed into my bad horrible life threatening coping mechanisms.
Those pictures I see emptiness. I was empty I was a shell. I was a nobody and I was ok with dying any day. I didn’t experience joy. I was buzzed 24/7 or horribly hungover
I spent 3 years after rehab on/off sober. Contemplating if I was an “alcoholic”. When I started to get my life together I thought why can’t I drink ! I definitely won’t abuse it anymore. I only abused it because I was SO depressed. Like my eating disorder behaviour.
I finally “got sober” April 29 2018. For me that means no alcoholic no drugs. I’ve stopped wondering if I can entertain it for a bit. Because I probably CAN handle myself IN THE BEGINNING. And I know what I get myself into and it doesn’t stay casual for me. For me being in recovery means I NEED to be free of mind or mood alternating substances. I need to be in the moment and live. After years of wishing I could drink “normally” while I was sober (and then relapsed), I’m finally in a place where I don’t wonder what if!!! I don’t miss it or feel left out. I have no issues with people around me drinking. I’ve conquered so many personal fears. It’s almost unbelievable to myself
I don’t attend AA. I never vibed with it and that’s okay. What I attribute so much of my sobriety to is me discovering spinning. I found a workout I loved. And it taught me so much about my body, pushing your boundaries, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, conquering fears, being consistent !! Being accountable! I’ve workout out every day for months now and my favourite part of my day is my 6am spin class before work. It’s a total lifestyle change that’s given me so much confidence and helped me overcome so many prior body and eating disorder behaviours. Everything in balance and moderation ! I eat a lot more. I don’t count calories. I eat what I want. I make good meals. I cook !!!
So I’m almost 29 and I feel like I’m getting a second chance at life. I went for an audition at my spin studio the other day for a spin isntudtor. I didn’t make it to the third round of auditions and that’s ok. There was a 10 year time period when I thought the only way I could get out my comfort Zone and push myself was if I was loaded.
I feel and look better than I ever have. And I’m just so fucking grateful for where I am, what I’ve been through, my past, my present, and optimistic that I have a future.
🖤🖤🖤🖤
