I can tell church leadership does not have a healthy relationship with anger because they always talk about conflict and holding grudges so negatively. I've tried to force myself to be rid of my grudges bc of that but it hasn't worked. What have you done with grudges you've held?
In 2021 as we were coming out of the COVID lockdown, I came across a web forum where the members had monitored my Tumblr blog, often complaining about things I posted. A lot of them were angry that a gay man was allowed to serve in a calling at church even while posting some thoughts which weren't completely in line with church teachings, and they were upset I wasn't sorry enough for being gay.
As I read through many posts, including some where they talked about possible actions they might take, I was shocked. I also was bemused because I don't know them, my existence impacts them in no way, yet they let me live in their heads and generate a lot of emotions. This wasn't about me, it was about them. I did no harm to them, simply the idea of someone like me made them angry and I'm not responsible for that. I don't want to live like that, whether it's the idea of a stranger who makes no real impact on my life or from holding onto a grudge towards someone who has wronged me.
Reading through years worth of posts exemplified for me the popular saying that "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Harboring resentment primarily harms the person who refuses to forgive and forget & move on, rather than the offender who often is unaware that you have these thoughts and feelings.
A grudge is a persistent feeling of resentment, bitterness, or ill will toward someone for a past offense, injury, or perceived wrong. It means holding onto the negative emotions and not forgiving and forgetting. Grudges are like poison in several ways. Chronic anger and resentment can increase the risk of heart disease, diabetes, and high blood pressure. It can lead to being irritable, to anxiety, or depression. It shackles you to the past and can prevent you from moving forward.
How to move forward and let go of grudges, I can't say I'm an expert but one thing is I recognize people are flawed and make mistakes. I think about the relationship being more important to me than the irritation I feel about a situation, and that motivates me to either address the incident in order to avoid similar problems in the future, or choosing to drop it so we can move forward.
Sometimes it's deciding to alter the relationship, changing our interactions to occasional polite exchanges in order to limit their access to me and the opportunity to again mistreat me, violate core principles, or endanger my safety. That lets me take control rather than feel helpless or a victim.
One thing which helps is to think about why that interaction bothered me so much, why did that anger linger so long and feel so strong? I don't mean what were the specific words or actions, but what core principle or need was violated, was I put in danger?
I also think about how I reacted and how can I do better next time, whether that means stepping away for a few minutes to calm down, or throwing ice in the sink, or writing down my feelings as a way to vent, in those ways I can burn off some of the adrenaline without lashing out.
Yelling, blaming, name-calling, or passive-aggressive behavior are meant to punish, control, or intimidate rather than resolve an issue. I've learned to respond in ways which are controlled, measured, and purposeful. I can be assertive and us "I" statements" to express why I'm frustrated and what I need and why the behavior is problematic.
I guess what I'm saying is to avoid grudges, I find ways to feel and express my feelings, focus on the problem, choose how I want to respond, and recognize my power in choosing how I react. And for existing grudges, look at the deeper need which was violated and by recognizing that it's easier to understand and say that those feelings served their purpose and I'm moving forward.
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Hmm, I had never thought about this in the way you described church leaders. Perhaps you're right, and there is a part of church culture which views any sort of conflict, even mild disagreements, as being of the devil.
Maybe the way they talk about anger is also from meeting with people whose life is harmed by how they let anger control their actions. Also, these leaders are trying to be a representative of the Prince of Peace.
Anger is a basic human emotion, we all will experience it. I think it's useful to understand why and also how to channel that emotion in healthy ways. It's not realistic to think that as a human I shouldn't experience human emotions, that to push down that feeling is to push them all down and feel numb.
