on may 26th i hung out with that boy for the first time. It was my first time closing with hayley so i went and got dinner from him and he followed me back to sit with me. made plans to come by at closing. H had locked the doors but he knocked and i let him in, he brought me chocolate cake. we laid on the beach talking and i met his friends who got us a 8 pack of Coronas. We drove out and made a bonfire, watching the stars and talking. at the end of the night he got me into my car and had me text him when i got home. On thursday night i closed again and met the three of them for beers at the store. we gathered a group and built a fire again. this time he was wasted and couldn’t seem to not touch me. that night was amazing and at the end he walked me to my car-well carried me and then proceeded to prolong me from leaving forever. touching my knee and face, inches apart glancing at my lips but i couldn’t he was too drunk. I stopped him and went home, waking up to a text and later breakfast he made me at work. I was properly confused at this point, so many mixed messages and signals, but then last night he convinced me to come out. He had been drinking after work and the two of us sat in my car. 1 deep talk later he was touching and glancing again. “can i kiss you” hesitant but real. I could write all the things he said to me in the following hours but it almost feels too personal to put on here. I’ve never felt that confident and safe with someone tho. I felt like a girl, like i understood it all. im not sure where we stand tho, for now we’re having fun but i know thats not his style. but i sure could get used to this. “i felt this way the second you came in and ordered lunch with that cute smile.” “i wanted to kiss you last night” “the things i want to do to you right now” “you make me happier than I have been in a long time” so now we text and i’m still all up in my head cuz i close tomorrow night and who knows what will happen. i really just want to feel that moment again. 

“bullshit you fucking missed me, there i said it, guess i’ll talk to you in a few months”

back again. wanted to jot down a few thoughts after going through my latenite tag again. this has been an extremely lonely year. everyone left for college and ya girl was left here with a job and community college. now it hasn’t been all bad but not much has been good either. summer break starts in about a week and i feel so much relief. that boy from my past is home, he picked me up last night so we could go drive. he took me to the airport viewing lot, so dark with the runway lights and full mood, smoke in the air, sunroof and windows open with tame impala blasting. i couldn’t imagine a better way to spend the night. you-recently single and me-forever alone, just enjoying each other’s company. at peace. a boy I've had my eye on came into my work today instead of the other way around. nice change. walked in shirtless just like i did to him in my bikini on saturday. he never did this before, with his jacket on and bedhead he tells me he slept in his car watching the ocean the other night. “your eyes-they're changing color whoa i never realized its so dark at my work.” i basically blacked out after that but he said more i just melted. makes a lap around the store and comes back over to me “im working nights on weekends now” “so am I when summer starts” “well we’ll have to kick it then” smiling at me “yea i could be down for that” “well come on by the market” he smiles and walks out. fuck maybe im looking too much into this, idk what mutual attraction even feels like. but if that was it then im hooked. i feel like i could be in that place, until my head kicks in and i shut down. but then again, those times before i didn’t really feel this kind of attraction and never received anything real in return for my attention. i deserve happiness too, so why can’t i obtain it. im constantly in a state of questioning myself, feeling abandoned, feeling lost, feeling depressed and i don’t want that anymore. hoping that summer will bring me some light