I´m done waiting for you - Auston Matthews
summary: you and Auston had an arrangement for years, but when feelings get involved it is time to make a decision
pairing: Auston Matthews x female!reader
word count: 4.4k
warnings: angst, cursing
authors notes:
I´m so happy the Mitch imagine I posted last week got such a positive reception because it really was one of my favorite things I´ve written so thank you so much!
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You reclined your deckchair further to take in even more of the sun in the heat of the Arizonian summer. These were your last days here before you would go back to the colder temperatures in Canada.
You dreaded the return home.
The return home also meant that he would inevitably leave you again. You knew it was your fault for always coming back, you knew you should have said no when he asked you to join him at his house for his last two weeks of summer before he had to go back to Toronto for training camp.
This was the third time you were doing this in as many summers. After being shut out of his life for most of the season, the occasional booty calls aside, he always came crawling back and you let him. All while continuing to feel incredibly guilty as soon as you were out of his eyesight.
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Yours and Auston´s relationship did not start off like that. You met him a few years ago in a bar in Toronto. The two of you clicking immediately. You didn’t think you would see him again after your one-night-stand. He was busy with his season; you were busy with work. More than a hookup was not in the cards for either of you. But you kept meeting him.
First there was the small café near your apartment where you ran into him. Neither of you acknowledging the other more than a quick nod as you ordered and drank your coffee on one of the tables while he rushed out as soon as he got his.
The second time you ran into him at the grocery store. This was the first time you realized that the two of you must live in close proximity. You didn’t recognize the area when you were at his house, but it was dark when you arrived, and dark when you snuck out in the morning. That time again, nothing but a quick nod passing between the two of you. Acknowledgement of a shared history but never enough to speak to each other.
The third time you ran into him was outside of your gym. His eyes locked to yours as you stepped outside of the building as he drove past and stopped at a red light. His eyes locking with yours for a brief second before they started to roam over your body. You wore your favorite pair of leggings to work out in, a sweater covering the matching sports bra. His eyes lingered on your legs a little too long before the car behind be honked for him to start driving.
The next time you saw him was after one of his games. At this point he had messaged you on Instagram and you had been chatting every day since. Both of you making it clear that a relationship was not in your cards but both agreeing that you should give into your mutual attraction.
Meet me after my game. Was the message he sent this morning, alongside a link to a ticket on Ticketmaster. That night he took you home with him and you gave into your desires.
From that point on your hookups became a regular thing.
Occasionally he sent over a ticket, you went to the game and went home with him after. A few times he invited you to dinner first but most times he sent a text late in the evening asking if you were up. You always stayed the night but left as soon as the both of you were awake.
You were content with this arrangement for a while. Both of you got parts of a relationship without the emotional baggage and the real commitment.
He invited you to spend some time at his house in Arizona for the first time the second year your arrangement was going on. At that point he already had slowed down in contacting you at all throughout the season but as soon as they exited the playoffs, once again in a very heartbreaking way, the messages frequented again.
That year you thought that it was just the pressure of the season weighting on him that made him keep up less contact. You also reminded yourself that you were not in a relationship and that you had no right to his time like a girlfriend would have.
The same thing happened the year after and the year after. He would treat you to a vacation in his home. One time he took one week of the three you were spending with him and took you to the Bahamas. You knew it was out of guilt, maybe for ignoring you almost all year or maybe for stringing you along, but you weren’t complaining, you always came back to him anyways.
But that time you were done. Ever since coming back from your trip that summer you started to slowly distance yourself. During your two weeks stay the final nail in the coffin. You were falling for him. You tried everything to prevent it from happening, successfully managing it to not let happen for the past three years, but the longer you were with him that summer, the more you imagined what it would be like to be his girlfriend.
How it would be for him to come home to you after a game, to have breakfast, lunch and dinner together every day he was there. To be able to kiss him outside of the bedroom. To just have his love and affection in a way you craved to be loved.
It started by you replying less and less to his requests of coming over after games, which wasn’t hard since the invitations became even less that year. Auston was on for a career year, you knew he had little nerve for distractions. The occasional message could be turned away by a “I´m on nightshift” or a “I´m spending time with my girlfriends”.
Unfortunately, towards the end of the year you started to cave again. You went through a rough patch at work and craved just some sort of human connection. Sex with a frustrated athlete on a goal drought who just wants to let off some steam took exactly that edge off.
That went on for two months but when the playoffs came around, he once again disappeared from your life and your heart was broken all over again.
Trying to recount how many times you regretted breaking your distance and coming back to him, how many times you called yourself stupid for falling back in his claws time and time again. You weren’t sure if he knew that he was playing with you or if he was just accepting that he was getting what he was getting for years now. Sex with no strings attached.
Of course, he came back during the summer and of course you were dumb enough to accept. These summers were easy. You forgot about life in Canada as soon as you stepped off the plane in the desert and into his car.
It was almost like you were in a relationship during that time. A glimpse into what you could have with him, but he didn’t want with you.
Your time came to an end faster than usual, you didn’t know why or how, but days flew by. The dinners, the sex, the lazy days by the pool followed by lounging on the outdoor couch together watching the sunset while his hand was wrapped in your hair or around your waist leaning down occasionally to place kisses on your face.
The nights spent together in bed where you did nothing but cuddle. It was like he was a different man when he´s not in Toronto. You knew the weight of expectation loomed above his head during the season but for the first time it transferred into the off-season. He had just been named captain of the team which piled on top of what was already on his shoulders.
Now, on your last day in paradise you were still unsure what to do. You knew you could not go another year the same way it had been going. Your feelings for him grew stronger with every day that passed. As you relaxed you thought back this morning, he was standing in the kitchen, shorts hung low on his hips, his muscled chest on display making breakfast for the two of you. He looked incredible. And once again you let your mind wander to what could be.
“What got you thinking his hard.” His deep voice rattled you, ripping you away from the delusional daydream. Slowly you placed your sunglasses on your head and observed him. “Nothing.” It looked like the short answer confused him. His hand brushing through his hair as if he was nervous. “What´s up with you?” You questioned in return. Something was off with him, but you could not quite pinpoint what it was.
“I have no idea. Probably nerves of going back to Toronto.” Nervousness was not something you had ever experienced with him. He was the ever calm, cool and collected man, to superstar who wasn’t afraid of the limelight.
There must be something more behind it, but you would not press, you weren’t his girlfriend, just a summer and once every other month kind of fling.
“Are we going to dinner tonight?” a long sigh left your mouth. “I´m not in the mood, I will probably just pack the rest of my things and go to bed early. I will sleep in the guest room, so I don’t wake you.” You felt your heartbeat fasten when you spoke the words. This was the first time you were outright rejecting to spend time with him. A first step into finally letting go. “Bullshit.” His exclamation so loud it almost made you jump. “What´s up with you?” He pressed again.
“Nothing, Auston. Just dreading to go back to work I guess.” He took another step towards you but stopped before you were in his reach. “You are not sleeping in the guest room on your last day, and you´re not getting to the airport by yourself either. That’s not up for discussion so don’t try to argue. What even put that in your head?” Your shoulders started shaking with laughter.
Not the kind of laughter that was coming after a good joke but the sarcastic kind that just deferred your actual reaction. “You know you can´t tell me what to do, right?” Was what you settled on. “Where is this coming from?” Confusion was written all over his face.
“I don’t know, Auston. Maybe I´m just tired of being strung along by you. And I know I have no right to make such accusations but I´m tired of being your fling for once a month and two weeks in the summer. I want something real. I can´t do this anymore, not when there is someone out there who can give me all the things you won´t and I can´t find him because I´m too hung up on you.” Your voice got quieter with every sentence you said.
A million questions were written on his face. His eyebrows shot up, his lips parting as if words had failed him. When he didn’t respond for a bit, just starring at you, processing, you got up, grabbed your towel and made your way inside. He didn’t follow.
Unsure as to why you went off on him now, you took a shower in the guest bathroom which turned out to be more difficult than expected since all your things were in his en-suite. You didn’t come out for the rest of the afternoon. He didn’t come to check on you.
Your hands trembled and you heart beat incredibly fast, when you entered the living room when you got hungry in the late hours of the evening. Unsure as to what he did while you locked yourself into the guestroom you approached carefully.
Felix tapped over to you, and you gave the dog some head scratches before continuing into the kitchen. Auston was in there stirring something in a pot. He didn’t acknowledge you right away only doing so, when you opened the fridge to get a bottle of water. His eyes roamed over your face; uncertainty spread across his.
The two of you didn’t speak a word through dinner but he wordlessly handed you a plate when he saw you sitting at the table mindlessly scrolling through your phone. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He spoke into the uncomfortable silence. Both of you had finished eating, just sitting there, starring at your phones. “What use would that have been? You made your intention with this arrangement clear when we started.” You ran your hands through your head.
“That was four years ago.” He crossed his arms on the table and leaned forward to look you directly into the eyes. A loud sigh left your throat. “Don’t you think I know that? Why do you think I kept putting you off at the beginning of the year? I tried to protect myself from even more heartbreak, but it didn’t work because here I am.” He opened his mouth but closed it again when you got up, the chair scatting on the floor because of the force.
“I´m tired, Auston. Of this situation and of this day. I will go to bed and leave tomorrow morning, you don’t even have to get up, I humiliated myself enough.”
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When your door opened in the middle of the night you weren’t surprised. But what you didn’t expect was the soft paw scratches on the floor before the door closed again. Felix jumped onto the bed and laid down next to you. The dog sensing that you were upset about something, when he pushed his soft head against your cheek. Tears started to spill over the rims of your eyes as you brushed over his soft fur.
“I´ll miss you so much.” You whispered. It wasn’t just meant for Felix but also for the man you would leave behind tomorrow morning. This adventure you were on for the past four years wasn’t supposed to end like this. Not with a sudden confession but here you were.
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The next morning you got up an hour earlier than necessary just to get out of the house as soon as you could. You couldn’t bear to spend one more minute here. Felix watched you as you scrambled together the rest of your things you quietly got from Auston´s bedroom when he was in the shower last night. The Uber was already ordered so it was time to say goodbye to a place you spent many summers in. You grew to call this house almost a second home. You gave Felix a few more pets, the dog almost looking sad, like he knew what was happening.
What you didn’t expect was Auston waiting for you in the hallway. He wore black sweats and a drew hoodie, bags under his eyes almost like he hadn’t slept all night. You just stared at him. “Let me drive you.” He almost whispered. You weren’t sure why he was acting the way he was acting. He should’ve known from the beginning that this would end eventually. “I already called an Uber.” You answered in an equally quiet voice. He ran a hand over his face.
“Or you could just stay.” He mumbled then. You froze. “What?” You exclaimed louder than you had expected. “Please, stay.” He repeated. His hand reached out to grab yours. When you didn’t reply he tightened his grip on it. “Please, baby.” The term of endearment making you feel warm in your chest, but you weren’t sure of the sincerity of whatever this is. You could curse yourself out for almost falling for his tricks again.
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be. You don’t have to make up some fake feelings just to get me to stay.” Your voice was loud, emotions spilling over. “I can´t do this anymore.” You followed up more quietly.
Tears started to once again spill over. You tried your hardest to not let him see them, but it didn’t work. When you looked up into his face the look of heartbreak almost shattered your heart.
“What are you doing, Auston? Are you trying to save something that had to come to an end eventually anyways?” He swallowed hard.
“You never let me explain anything to you yesterday, well more like I didn’t say anything because my head was filled with so many things I wanted to say but didn’t know how to put into the appropriate way to say them.”
You braced yourself for impact. He was going to tell you that he tried to feel the same way for you but that he only found platonic feelings. “I think I´m falling for you too.” It was like the world stood still at that moment. This was the least of all the answers you expected.
When you didn’t say anything for a few seconds he grabbed your hand again. “I know I never did anything to even remotely give you the feeling that I had, I rather pushed you away throughout the season because I could bear seeing you, knowing I could not have you because you don’t feel the same for me.”
You were stunned by his sudden confession, unsure too. Was this just because he wanted to keep you or was he being honest?
You hated yourself for questioning him, but you lived the past four years, you knew he know he just had to find the right words to get you to stay.
“You´re too late, I don’t even know if what you are saying is real or if you´re just saying that to keep me around. You need to let me go, Auston.” Your head dipped in disappointment. It was hard for you to admit that.
His confession was all that you ever wanted to hear from him, but you needed that break. A clean break to find someone with clear intentions. “Don’t do this.” He plead. “I´m sorry. You had four years to figure it out and you only ever told me when I was on the brink of leaving you. I need to protect myself.”
A honk from outside made you snap out of it. “That´s the Uber.” You grabbed your suitcase and bag from the floor of his hallway and looked back into the house for one last time. “Thank you for everything, Auston. I hope you find someone who makes you happy and I hope you thrive as captain.” You placed a subtle kiss on his cheek before you gave Felix one last pet and walked out of his house. This time forever.
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Weeks passed without you hearing a single thing from him. You continued to live your life without the text messages, the dinners, the games and the late-night calls. You missed him at first, but the longer you were away the easier it got to let go of the feelings.
Occasionally, you checked in on the Leafs. They were doing okay to start the season. People on social media were debating whether the captain had an injury because he was not playing on the level he was playing at last year. You shook your head laughing at that because it would have been hard to replicate the incredible season, he had prior.
During the second week of November, he was placed on injured reserve. You only knew because one of your co-workers was incredibly upset about it. Something in you wanted to check in on him, just to see if there was anything you could do to help. But you remembered that you left, this time for good and for good reason.
A bouquet of flowers arrived at your door a day later.
Your birthday.
You were confused when you opened the door but suspected that one of your girlfriends sent you flowers as a present.
Your heart stopped for a second when you opened the card that was sent with it. Almost dropping the whole bouquet right there on your living room floor. It wasn’t one of your girlfriends.
Happy Birthday. I miss you. A.
Tears prickled at the corner of your eyes. You were supposed to forget about him. You had told yourself for weeks that he was lying to you. That he didn’t have actual feelings for you. That he just said what he said to keep you along. But maybe you kept telling yourself that just to ease the pain that came with leaving him and not knowing if he was sincere in his confession.
This told you he might have been. Of course, he could’ve done all that just to have you in his bed again, but he waited months. He sent something for your birthday which showed you that he still cared.
Just as you grabbed your phone, debating between texting him about the flowers and just ignoring him, keeping the distance you created, a message from him popped up.
Auston: I hope you got my present. I meant what I said. I miss you. I´ve waited long enough to try and get over how things between us ended, but I can´t. Please meet me and let´s talk about this in person. A.
You weren’t sure what to reply. On the one hand you wanted to talk to him and clear the air. On the other hand, you weren’t sure if you wanted this and risk to get hurt again. His intentions sounded sincere though. Your heart skipping a beat, racing a million miles an hour at the potential of actually having what you always wanted.
You: what are you thinking?
Auston: come over to my place? I´ll order your favorite for your birthday and we talk. 7?
You took a deep breath before you answered with trembling hands.
You: okay.
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A few hours later you were at his doorstep. You had knocked just a few seconds ago. Your hands were trembling, you kept thinking about how this was a bad idea.
Paw scratches from the other side of the door had you snap out of your head. A second later an all too familiar doodle was jumping up on you. “Hey, sweetheart.” You greeted the overly excited dog.
Tears already started to well up in your eyes. You missed Felix so much.
When you looked up your eyes were met with his dark ones. They softened slightly when he looked at you and his dog. “Come in.” He said before pulling you into a quick hug.
You melted into his embrace, having missed his tall frame and his strong arms wrapped around you. “Happy birthday.” He whispered into your ear, and it sent a shiver down your spine. “Thank you.” You whispered back.
The familiar hallway was dimly lit like you remembered, walking up the stairs you were to meet with his all too familiar living room in which so many memories hung heavy on the situation.
Some holiday decorations were already up, it was cozy because the fireplace, even though it was fake, engulfed the room with warmth and a soft glow. “Do you want something to drink before we sit down?” You shook your head.
Regardless he took two glasses of water and brought them with him to the couch. While you waited for him you were playing with your hands. Kneading them and slightly picking at your nails.
He sat down as close as possible without making you feel uncomfortable. “Why am I here, Auston?” You questioned with a hint of insecurity in your tone.
“I miss you; Felix misses you and I´m not just saying that because I didn’t sleep with anyone since you left. After you did, I had a long think about it. We both know we were basically a couple whenever you were with me, no matter if it was here of in Arizona.”
When you didn’t say anything for a few seconds he grabbed your hands and continued. “I know I never did anything to even remotely give you the feeling that I had actually fallen for you, for years I kept coming back because I was happy to have you in this way rather than not having you at all. I should have said something sooner. I shouldn’t have given you the felling that I was stringing you along for sex or whatever because I promise you I didn’t. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to subject you to the hockey lifestyle. You deserve someone who can always give you full attention and someone who is not gone all the time, but I cannot let you have what we have with another guy. I know this is selfish and I shouldn’t tell you this after weeks of not speaking to you, but I can´t keep pretending I don’t want you, in every way.”
You were stunned to silence by his confession. This was not what you expected when you showed up at his house. Yes, he told you he was falling for you, but you didn’t think it was this deep. You would rather suspect him lying to keep you in his bed than to actually wanting a relationship with you but here you were.
“Auston…” you mumbled not really knowing what to say. “Please tell me I´m not too late this time. Do you want to be my girlfriend? For real this time?”
His question made your heartbeat faster than it had ever beaten before. He wanted you to be his girlfriend. Give you everything that you had dreamed about for the last four years.
The doubts you had in your head were slowly creeping away. He sounded so sincere, his eyes pleading, telling you, that he was telling the truth.
“Okay.” you said so quietly that you weren’t sure if he had even heard it. “Okay?” He repeated louder. “Yeah, okay.” A second later you were swept into his arms, and he placed the most emotion filled kiss on your lips.
A kiss of new beginnings between two people who were too dumb to speak their mind and deprived another of something good for years. It was a kiss filled with promises of a future together that came with uncertainty, but you were sure that the two of you would get through it together.
