sinking in

“Then tell me, what is so bad that makes you think I can’t love you unconditionally?” Astrid wondered. If there was even a slight chance she could prove to him that she was there for him, for whatever, she wanted to take it. Whether he believed it was unconditional love or not. 

A humorless laugh left his lips at the question. He never had told anyone what he had gone through. There was so much shame that came with it, but with Astrid there was an added layer to it all. He didn’t want to be the one to tell her and hurt her. Whether or not she was still close to their brother, it would hurt her all the same. “Trust me. You don’t want to know.”

“You’re unbelievable.” But Addie put put on her doe eyes and plopped down next to Byron anyway. More to mess with him than anything else. “Babe I know you don’t have many left but, can I please have a cigarette?” 

A smile just hinted on his features as he looked over at her. “I’ll give you some of mine if you stop looking at me like that,” he handed it over.

“Mmm, yeah. Of course I do. I’m not some kind of rookie.” Liz furrowed her brow, already rolling up a joint for herself. “But I guess since you haven’t asked yet – more of the good shit for me.”

What Byron craved he was desperate for and a joint hardly cut it though maybe it could take the edge off for the night until he could get what he needed. “You gonna make me say please?”

“I was just trying to be respectful,” she had begun hating seeing him. And she hated that, because she still craved being near him. But every interaction between them made her just sad. Though she sat down. “Are you having fun tonight?”

“Your respect is noted,” Byron blow out smoke. He wanted to be indifferent to her being there but the fact was it still hurt. He hadn’t been vulnerable with anyone in such a long time but he was with her and it was left meaningless. “If I was having fun would I be out here?”

“You do know the meaning of unconditional, right? No matter who you are now, she still loves you. I promise you that.” Sure. Things were harder now, there was no denying that. But that didn’t mean she wouldn’t do anything to make sure he felt loved. That she wouldn’t do anything to make him happy. 

Byron blew out smoke. “I know that it is bullshit. That people think that they can love someone enough through things but you can’t.” He was too jaded to just compromise or agree to make this easier. “Some people just have too much shit that you can’t love. To think you can is a fairytale.”

“I have two. And in case you’re still not sure, that definitely includes you.” Ever since he and his mom had moved in, she very quickly realized that he’d been more of a brother than her own brother had ever been. “I understand being skeptical of all of it, but do you really believe your own mother wouldn’t love you unconditionally? Either way, believe it or not, I do love you. Unconditionally.”

Byron just shook his head. He didn’t feel connected to anyone anymore. Especially not to his family. He felt like there was a void not allowing him to even try and heal the relationships. “My mom loves who I was. She has no idea who I am now. None of you do,” he mumbled, bringing the cigarette to his lips.

She pulled back immediately at his words. “Why is it so hard to believe that I’m not saying it ‘just in case’?” It somehow had become so hard to communicate with the guy who’d once been the easiest person to talk to in her life. “I know I haven’t been around much lately, but you’re my brother. And I’ll always love you. No matter what.”

“You have a brother and it’s not me,” he let out, leaning against the wall. What happened to him when they became a family wasn’t Astrid’s fault. She had been his favorite part of his mom getting married, but everything just felt like a reminder. “And you can’t say no matter what. This whole thing about love being unconditional is bullshit.”

Astrid didn’t know what to say. Words like these were exactly why she preferred working with little kids. How could she react to something like this? She took a step towards him and wrapped her arms around him. “I love you, you know that right?”

Byron didn’t hug her back. The only time he didn’t mind being touched is when he was high. “You don’t gotta do that,” he took a step back. “I’m not gonna kill myself, okay? So you don’t have to say it like just in case.”

“Rude. I would’ve shared my weed with you if you had asked.” Liz didn’t really care as she pulled the oversized shirt around herself.

“I didn’t ask though did I?” He gave her a slight glance over. “Do you actually have some?”

“Ugh. And here I thought I was the one person who still had access to those without any sort begging.”

“You can try begging and we’ll see how it goes.”

“You know the only reason I’d take one would be to throw it as far away as I can,” Astrid started. She knew a lecture was probably not what he needed. Nor wanted. But still. “You do know those kill you, right?”

Byron was unaffected by this little speeches, an almost amused look coming. “Yeah, well they aren’t doing their job fast enough then.”

“What will you share instead?” He asked with a little lift to his brow, taking a seat next to him.

“Don’t know that I’m in the sharing mood at all,” he gave Bentley a glance.

“You sure? I’m sure there’s somewhere else I can go.”

“It’s fine. Stay or go. Let’s not make a thing about it.” He kept his eyes forward, it was too hard to look at her.

Bentley: What about the ghost of me? Have you no respect?

Bentley: Okay, but I feel like my actual death comes in the way of all of that.

Bentley: Why’s it never on you?