I’m a lot more confident now when compared to that last post almost two years ago. I make all my own clinical decisions for the most part. I’m teaching and trying to be the best version of myself. I give myself to my family. I try my best in nearly everything I do. I’m really trying. I’m on a rotation where I get a cubicle to myself to stay at between patients and I just cried this morning. My fellow saw me and it was so embarrassing. This probably isn’t normal. I’m really tired. Like really tired. Like I want to quit tired. And even when I’m right, it’s not enough. In the hospital, out of the hospital, I am persistently inadequate. I’m also disappointed and angry. I make the same mistakes repeatedly and at this point it’s my fault for being so naive. Throughout quarantine, not a lot of people reached out, and I was having a hard time, and man dealing with COVID patients took it out of me. Like what’s the point of helping people? I didn’t want glory or admiration, but just having friends or family check in on me would have been nice. Like that’s such a immature thing to want or be upset about, but that’s just how I feel. I should invest in a journal to write shit down cause I’m just ranting at this point. Or like regularly scheduled counseling. This isn’t the life I imagined. I thought I deserved better or that it would be better. It isn’t, just the same problems manifesting in different forms.
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