it's been a blurry of a year, moments of vivid madness quipped with periods of cloudy fuzz that i can barely recollect. of regrets and unspoken words, also of pointed words i wished i had never uttered. revolting facades, burning embarrassment, unexpected meetings, and a persistent fatigue that never quite goes away, never quite went away. ...and also moments that shined through despite everything: new experiences and new people, also new experiences with old ones.
and so, the year passed, like any other does.
and yet the mind is still, and the heart trembles with trepidation. it's perhaps a bit dark to say, on such a day no less - i'd never thought i'd be alive still. but yet it's the truth that is nailed dead in this shell of a body.
perhaps because it's the season of reflection, perhaps it's the weariness of living, the things that came to pass now seem so faraway, insignificant. and yet, felt so poignant in that single moment. the pain that only a scar now remains, the burning stress that which cells have died and nights unslept, the tears that have long evaporated and is maybe raining down on a river half way across the earth, the joy that lingers as a shadow of a foggy memory. a lot has crossed my mind just this last week, i wonder about determination and death, of those that have came to pass and those that will in time to come. of predetermination and agency, choices and their consequences.
and of the future, to come.
