RBuddhaOrtiz

“I do… I know… I just…the things that he said, hurt me for him. I just didn’t want him to hear them and have to make peace with them being a thought that he’s ever had… that’s all.” He insisted, feeling his heart drop as the reality dawned on him. “…what if this is it? What if I never get him back?” The thought was one he hated that crossed his mind, but he couldn’t stop it any less. – “I know that you don’t like the thought of that, but Bear… you’re not protecting Kyle. Not like this.” He knew that Bear didn’t need him to tell him that, he was all too aware of the situation he was in at the moment. “And if that is what this is and you let it go, things are only going to get worse, son.” He sighed softly, reaching to softly touch his arm. “Depression doesn’t discriminate… and it doesn’t care what you’ve got going on in your life. It takes it’s toll when and where it wants to, that’s why it’s important to get it treated, so you can get a better understanding of good days and bad days and what you need on each of them. You know plenty of people with depression, you know? Lots of couples have it. If anything, it’s a strength to have a partner who does understand what you’re feeling because they’ve been through it themselves. It helps with Tim and I. Buck and Jared… and regardless of a diagnosis, there’s nothing to be afraid of, baby. You have lots of people who are here, ready and willing to help you through it.”

Kyle gave a soft nod as Buddha seemed to put two and two together, about why he was nervous to leave the two men together. “I didn’t want them to get into it… and Bear rattle that shit off to Rip. It would hurt him and I don’t….” he shook his head. “I don’t want him to be hurt.” He admitted, whimpering softly “I don’t know how to do this, papa… I can’t…” he dropped his head onto Buddha’s shoulder. –Walt nodded softly as Bear finally confessed to understanding how loved he was and then he was quickly moving to the floor and reaching to embrace him, which Walt was all too happy to return, holding his boy tightly. “Shhh… it’s okay, baby. It’s alright…” he softly promised him, softly brushing hands against his back. “Have you considered seeing someone, Bear? I think it may be time to talk to a doctor, maybe build a relationship with a therapist… you’ve been through a lot and to be frank, you haven’t taken the time to deal with it, the way you should. That kind of stress would break stone.”

“It’s even worse than I thought it was…” he admitted, face reflecting the same sense of defeat that he felt in his heart, “I don’t know who it is… I don’t know him…” he whimpered again, realizing how painful it was to admit, of his husband. “He went off about Rip… criticizing him… even worse than I used to. And I came to his defense and it just… it got really ugly…” he quivered, trying to hold back even more tears from falling. “What am I supposed to do? I don’t know anymore… I thought I was losing him once, and then everything was going smooth again and now… it’s worse than ever and I… feel like I can’t breathe.” Walt swallowed hard, giving a soft nod of his head. He didn’t offer to interrupt, instead quietly volunteered himself to listen as Bear got the confession off his chest. “Come here…” he told him, reaching to grab Bear’s hand and leading him to the bedroom, guiding him to sit at the foot of the bed before kneeling down in front of him. “I need you to understand something, Bear. And I need you to really listen, alright? You’re not losing me. Not now. Not ever. That has never been an option, alright? You are my son, I am with you for life and forever more.” He reminded him. “I need you to understand how dearly I love you, little boy. And that there is nothing that I would not do for you, no distance that I would not travel, no pain that I would not endure, and that there is nothing in this life that can separate you from my love for you, alright? Please. Bear, I need you to tell me that you understand that. Because I know that I have made some mistakes… and I wasn’t always here when you needed me to be and I know that put hell on your relationship with the boys, especially Kyle… but baby, I have always loved you.”

Though having Buddha there was a weight lifted off of his shoulders that had felt all too heavy to carry, he couldn’t quite soothe himself. “I don’t know…” he sobbed between breaths, “There is something wrong. He’s not… that’s not the man that I married…” he admitted, clutching tighter to Buddha. “I don’t know what’s happening to my husband… or to my marriage…” Walt watching as tears leaked from Bear’s eyes concerned him as he wiped softly to brush them away. “Defending me? Why?” He didn’t honestly know what might have happened, especially when things had seemed so good earlier on in the evening. “Okay… alright, it’s okay. Just breathe. Easy…” he coached him, listening quietly as Bear began to confess what had sparked the fight between the two men. He hesitated in silence for a moment, trying to swallow the hurt of Bear thinking such a way about him, before setting the cloth down on the side of the sink, leaning against the door frame. “Is that what you think? That I’m going to vanish?”