HEY STALKER ;)

All i can think about is slitting my thoat and ending it all.... Why, why must I feel this way? Why? What did I ever do to deserve to feel this way and never get real relief? People watch me cry, people watch me beg for help, and all they do is turn their head as if I was just another homeless person on the streets. I feel forgotten, I feel like people have thrown me off the earth and I'm living a life of exile. My poor child if going to be fucked up becuase I cant be a proper mother.... Please take this away, I dont care how, all I care about is relief so I can be a good mommy... I wanna be a good mom so bad, but I know I'll be a fucking terrible mom, I cant even keep my thoughts and emotions in check. What am I going to do when my son or daughter come to me crying needing help? Am I just going to cry and kill myself? Am I going to have a panic attack and shut down like I do all the time? What am I going to do? I know I wont be able to handle the situation and I know ill let my baby down... My kids are going to end up just like me, an unstable, emotional, sucidal wreak....

Im so damn depressed, I cant do it. I have no one to talk to, the people I try to talk to either push me away, theaten me, or tell me to get over it. I've been so suicidal, I've been wanting to self harm, I've been wanting to just drink my problems away, I've been wanting to do hard drugs to hide my pain and thoughts, I've been wanting to die and think about it all day everyday, I've been begging for help, I've not wanted to get up and I just want to die in my bed, I've been praying to a god I dont believe in, begging for relief, I've been terrified of my mind and thoughts for months, I've given up..., I've felt this way since I was 5... I cant continue this, I cant feel this way while pregnant, I'm supposed to be a mom this December. How can I be a good mom when I dont even wanna live? I cant figure out what to do, I'm losing everything, I cry every day. I hate how my body looks since I've been pregnant. I hate eveything and I hate how I hate everything. I hate how I'm scared of my mine, I'm scare of my thoughts, I'm scared to even try or keep going. I'm scared to be a mom and give up and take my life and leave my child with the pain of losing me. I'm scared to ask for help, I'm scared, I'm scared, IM SO FUCKING GOD DAMN SCARED. I know I'll be a terrible mom, I know I'll be a terrible wife, i know if things dont get better, I'll give up and take my life, I know I'm not strong anymore. Im falling apart and pieces of me are being lost everyday. I barely eat, I'm losing weight, I'm worried for myself and my baby. I dont have a dad, my mom disowned me, my gma is going down hill, I'm losing it all. Someone please help me, I think about suicide every fucking day, when I first wake up, till I fall asleep in my tears. This suicide thing scares the shit out of me, I've felt this way far to long. Someone help, I'm begging, if theres a god, help, if theres something to help, please! I'm to the point where I'd do anything for this/these thoughts to go away. Please, please, please.......