King Connor

“okay so we’ve got a slight problem — turns out i forgot to book the table and they’re all fully booked. i know you really wanted to eat here but what about pizza hut instead?” 

"pizza hut sounds great. just so long as you don’t judge me for how much i eat, pizza makes me go wild.”

“Today my dad gave me a shirt of him saying ‘remember, this is my dad.’. If he thinks I’m gonna wear it, he’s insane.” 

“My dad once told my ex boyfriend that if he ever touched me, he would cut his hands off with a chainsaw.”

“This is m’fucking theme song!”

“Here, c’mon, shotgun.”

“Everyone’s getting into their favourite colleges and here I’m thinking ‘what the fuck am I going to eat tonight’.”

“I'm not going to college. Fancy pizza?”

“–Bitch better have my money! Pay me what you owe me!”

“Own it, bitch!”

“Yours?”

“No, my cousins. Wish he was though, he’s a big fat cutie.”

“You are aware that stealing a baby is illegal, right?”

“I am. Fortunately, I only borrowed him for a couple of hours.”

“I mean, what the hell does he expect out of me? I’ve never gotten an A on an essay in his damn class. My gradebook is giant column of B+’s. I don’t think he even grades them, he just thinks, ‘oh, I bet this is good but he probably has some grammar errors’ but let me tell you, I spell check my papers three times and I swear to God—-”

“Okay, if you want me to listen to you you’re going to have to stop flashing your abs because it’s very distracting and we’re not at the point in our friendship where popping a boner is appropriate.”