or just that I made a fake twitter account and have been posting all my angst on there... probably that

but I just wanted to mark this day 2/16/18 as the beginning of something. what exactly? not quite sure. but it feels good. I made a to-do list for work last night and mapped it all out and then I actually did the stuff on it. 

re: personal life I think I’m finally coming to a place where I can set boundaries more effectively and not over-commit and then feel guilty about all the work I have to do that I’m not doing. and I think I’m finally at a place (that I take no credit for, the universe just plopped me here) of having no real hope aimed at any one person. I mean, of course I have the goal of being with someone consistently who I love to sleep with and find incredibly attractive in every way and think is intelligent and tall and perfect, but it’s not tied to any one person. which is a fucking ShIfTaRooNi from where I’m usually at

and that’s awesome!! is it cause brennan lives in fitchburg? probably bc I don’t see how we wouldn’t be constantly together otherwise. it it cause chris stavre never gave into my relentless pursual? probably bc tbh if he asked me to marry him today and move to india or some other random country for any reason I definitely would just quit my job and leave to be with him. so like I’m glad the universe works out like this!! somehow my desires and attractions have melded with reality in an explosivethencalm way where I now feel like I’m actually floating in purgatory of knowing I have brennan but not being at all committed to him and not even avoiding talking about that anymore bc I tried to and he wasn’t very good at talking abt it either. and then it’s like sure I’m either heavily infatuated to the point of thinking it’s being in love or actually in love with chris stavre but at this point I’m not staying over there anymore so I just appreciate his existence when I can and then I don’t even think about him too much anymore in the meantime.

and I still am making mistakes and doing things like accidentally banging a random guy who looked weirdly like him when I was in NYC 2 weekends ago and having to go to a women’s center to get STD tested and got the tests back today and I’m !clean as a whistle! which is great and I’m just trying to do my best. my mom came sunday-monday of this week and helped me clean my room and get my life in order and I just feel good abt where I’m at.

so yeah, life’s not horrible in this moment. I can’t say I felt the same last night (minor breakdown, reference 2/15/18 on fake twitter future self if you want to see what I’m referring to) and maybe I won’t feel okay even 4 hours from now but right now I do. I feel like I’m floating, not drowning, and not swimming upstream, just floating