Invisible

I often wonder what I did to disappoint my mother so much.

I have reached a point where I'm completely over the multiple sex partners, F.W.B etc. Thing. I've spent the last few years bopping and weaving bad relationships, failed attempts at getting to know people and on going on call sexual relationships. Casual sex has become something to just do instead of enjoy and really want. It's always been easier to get sex but not the relationship. I'm over being the girl who's only seen at night, snuck into and around the house and fucked in a car. I never really wanted it but I figured this is what I can get might as well take advantage. In the long run it wasn't even worth it as I got nothing out of it. Niggas were/are more concerned with getting their than pleasing you. Weak, wack, low grade pipe game is not in my future like it has been in the later portion of my life. I'm almost willing now to give up sex (again) to wait around and see if my luck will change. May be someone will come along and want me in more than a sexual way. May be my luck will turn around and it's not a guy interested in me but has a gf. I've run out of personal hope for a relationship or significant other BUT I do still long intimacy. I crave for someone to want me, need me, love me, enjoy me, take their time with me, show me how to love and be loved. Maybe I'm asking for too much, maybe I want too much, maybe this void I have will never be filled. I have so much to give and it's wasted because no one can see past the average looks and fat body. I won't waste anymore of my time being wrapped up or lost in people that don't want more from me. One thing is for sure and two things are for certain, I want more, I deserve more.

I'm so tired of fighting.

I'm dead about to say fuck everything and hop on a plane. It solves nothing but I'm just over everything.

Everyone expects me to stay the same. Everyone thinks I'm the same person I used to be, I'm not. I know I've changed in many ways, but I also don't know how I've changed. May be I just don't see it because I don't want to. May be I don't get it because I don't know who I was and who I am now. I'm confused but I'm also over being expected to stay the same.

The crazy thing is no matter how hard I try and what I do to keep myself to myself I'm still in the wrong. It's beyond tiring and emotionally draining to constantly fight with someone.

Sometimes I wish that I was better at expressing feelings, more so I wish people didn't give up on me so easily.