Brokenndownboyy

Fuckin

Christmas

It takes me away from my family which is hell. And I feel like sometimes my priorities arent aligned with the one I love.

And I'm scared it's only going to cause divide.

I'm scared, That the things I need to feel like me aren't helpful or cohesive to our lives.

That even if I try my hardest to balance it..she's going to feel left out. It isn't her vibe. My music isn't something she enjoys. If I emote to much it causes more sadness around me. So I cover it.

I'm so fucking tired

With so much time focussed on this new business, it still isn’t growing.. I was blind sided by the sheer convenience of it I didn’t see the potential for disaster. And now.. months invested. It’s grinding down to absolute mayhem.

I work, as much as I can to support my now growing family. To pay rent, bills, food.

But finding that balance between working too much I miss everything at home, and not enough to make ends meet.. this shits fucked.

I’m about to snap. I haven’t felt this much stress in my life ever.

We can thank the lack of guidance in my youth,

We can thank a failing education system that chews humans up for thinking their own happiness is worth a goddam thing.

We can thank elected officials who believe that their already audacious pay rate needs to increase, as they sit and watch when the nations poverty numbers continue to rise.

But most of all.. we can blame my own blind optimism.

I’ve never been a gambler.

This didn’t seem like a bet.

I suppose this place is just for me and my self loathing.

Some days I just wake up, come to work, look in the mirror and just... don’t like what I see

I’ve got a beautiful family who I don’t deserve. Friends i don’t deserve,

And an ever increasing sadness coming back up to the surface.

Environmentally I’m in a magical place. Nature in abundance, a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, money coming in at a pretty consistent rate.

So why the fuck am I sad? What’s got me this way.

My identity is that of “father/partner/barber/musician” and that should be plenty. That IS plenty. My heart is full, my mind just keeps racing

A nirvana tribute thing

And two solo shows.

Nirvana went fine till one of my bass’s fucked out the second last song,

Other bass was there. Made a recovery. 70/100

First solo show was brilliant. Great response, plenty of money for the bar, 90/100

This solo show tonight..

Came out at 88% got a great response, life’s fucking brilliant

25 minutes into an hour long show and bam.. voice fucks out.

I play every quiet mournful song I know to keep me register low, and effort minimal so I don’t lose my voice entirely. Crowd notices, sadness takes over internally..

Look at at time with only 10 minutes to go (2 and a bit of banter songs to go)

Bring it back up with crowd participation songs, crowd helps but they all kinda shirk away at the same time.

Finish with last song, latest single, higher register and bam.. it’s done. It’s over. My voice is blown.

40/100.. and all in all I feel like I never want to show my face at the bar I played again.