BrightRainyClouds

You lit a fire in me that burned for years

Like a forest fire, it burned

Another tree toppling over with each passing second

You practically etched yourself into every brain cell of mine

And this fire, sometimes it burned bright

Other times, just when I was about to let it die completely, it mysteriously rekindled itself

Some change in the atmosphere or the direction of the wind, whatever it was

That’s all it took and it was back again

The fire was massive

It was warm

The danger of it comforted me

I’m sure you could smell it on my skin from miles away

The soot smudging everything, giving me a marked face everyone except you could see

The ashes always falling gently forming a path behind me

Everyone knows where I’ve walked

Including you, I didn’t think you knew

But that may explain why it always came back

And that fire, it grew gradually and the size of it must’ve shocked you because one day, you forced me to extinguish it

There was nothing gradual

Nothing beautiful

About the way

I extinguished it

Instantly, everything inside of me became silent and cold

I somehow knew that this would happen

Which is why I secretly saved myself a candle

I don’t know what I’ll do with it

I’m too embarrassed to admit I even have it

If I blow it out, you won’t be able to light it again

I refuse to give you that power

I can’t wait for a fire to grow in you

And no, there is no anticipation

I just simply cannot will myself to be patient anymore

For a fire that will never happen

But if I blow it out, you won’t be able to light it again

I’ll have to learn not to miss you

To pretend that I don’t regret forcing myself to neglect you

To stop myself from imagining that the lips of every guy are yours whenever theirs touch mine

You lit a fire in me that is now just a candle

I light it every night with a match similar to the one you just flicked away without a thought

Promise me that you’ll light a fire in another woman and promise me that before you get the urge to force her to extinguish it, you’ll allow whoever she is to light one in you

You’ll want to come back one day

But please don’t

Don’t look for my path of ashes

Don’t follow the scent of singed eyebrows and split ends

I don’t want you to find that they’ll only lead you to the cold, hardened wax of a forgotten candle

He’s traced his fingers along the caution tape surrounding the graveyards of all the connections of my former lovers

Attempting to turn my graves into green meadows

He’s seen ghosts haunting my no thank yous

The ones that I’ve always been honest about

That I thought he wouldn’t take seriously

I thought he’d walk away

But the graveyard invited him in too

It convinced him that he was different

That my field of flowers would blossom in his presence

Even though he bragged about being a hard worker, he thought it’d happen instantly

He dug into the most vulnerable parts of me in order to find all of the things to weed out of himself that would make him seem suitable for me

For a long time, he kept watering me

Almost to the point of drowning trying to get me to love him

He couldn’t see that I was dying & not growing

He couldn’t fertilize the ground of the meadow in my graveyard

& then he pruned, taking all the new beautiful parts of me to attempt to create his own garden, but it wasn’t the same

Walking away, he seemed frustrated wiping the sweat from his brow

Then, rushing in quickly, a different audacity came to haunt me

In yet another attempt to access my graveyard and make a meadow out of it, he tried to console me in a way that I didn’t need him for

He attempted to suck all the sanity out of me that questioned his strange motives because he himself hid the black & blue.. heavily shading areas of his intense regret

He couldn’t face the mirrors reflecting images of his aversion to rejection

He accidentally cut his fingers on the cracked glass & blamed it on me

How dare I turn down his gestures of kindness

The blood was fake.. I saw it

The juice of some bitter red fruit

Deceiving everyone except me

Just like that perfect plastic mask of pure confidence he wore over his grotesquely bruised black & blue ego

He really thought he earned me

A sour attempt to get back into my good graces

Understanding that I didn’t deserve any of the venom that seeped from his fangs

He punished me for making the hunger for me that I used to see in his eyes disappear

You're fading

There's a bit of darkness

The light that is present

Bounces brightly off the broken white eggshells

They're scattered everywhere

Conversations hurt

There's a piercing silence

I'm losing you

My curiosity used to flatter you and now it's annoying

Do you want to be found?

Where is the warmth from the beginning

Like summer sun

Carefully carrying the wet droplets of salt water off my skin

I can only find hot oil

It captures and yells at water, they fight until there is no warmth

No warmth

I love you to the ends of the earth and maybe that's the problem

Neither of us are looking up

I hope I find you again

I hope we find each other

It feels like we've dropped a basket filled with all of our precious things

The things we hold near and dear to our hearts

You said something that shocked me and I tripped

And you tried to help me, but I yelled at you in frustration

We're trying to quickly pick back up everything and place it back in our basket, but

Some things were scratched

Some are now broken

It's ruined

Should we have just left all of our things on the sidewalk for everyone to see?

I think so

I want to show everyone

At least someone would appreciate the preciousness of the art because maybe we can't do that anymore

It's worth trying, but I feel like we both know those precious things are either gone forever or forever changed

I’m not happy I haven’t moved on I know you’re wondering Those statements will remain at the back of my heart forever Because I don’t think properly whenever you’re involved I will pine for you Until I know that you’ve moved on and that you’ve graced some woman with a version of you that is unselfish I will pine for you Maybe indefinitely I’ve perfected the art of hiding before And now after I’m enamored of you I’ve always been and I always will be I’m not happy I want you to be I can’t add to your happiness It seems no one can I thought I was at least close I realize that maybe everything All of it was for you That there is no room for me You place yourself in a box To ward off everyone around you Until you sense you’re losing them And then you try to make up for it To save face? To gain access? I wouldn’t know Stop all of it I don’t want that I don’t want to enjoy the best parts of you on the verge of anger I want bliss Not the sparks Not the romance The consistency of security Your warm body holding onto mine I only asked for that and it was too much You felt trapped Butterfly.. My beautiful butterfly Where will you fly next? Will you kiss the neck of another long-haired stranger and call it love? Will you text her “I miss you’s” and then show no desire to fit her into your life? Will you tell her how it is and tell her what it will be in hopes that it’d push her into the arms of a more suitable lover? Butterfly, will you believe you are worthy of her? Of love, I mean Do you push it away? Are you addicted to the superficial kind? The type that doesn’t know who you are Who you really are That gives you the chance to be someone that you’re not Because maybe you don’t want to be you Aren’t you tired, butterfly? My butterfly Is there regret in your heart A regret that makes you better for someone else and not me? Well I’d like that for you, my baby I would love for you to find love Don’t trap yourself Into a lifelong journey of flying to avoid regrets Rest, my butterfly Allow yourself to get caught Enjoy it Let go Don’t hide Stay around even when the flowers don’t smell as sweet I want to see you that happy I promise not to distract you in the arms of your future lovers Goodbye butterfly..