🗣️☮️❣️☯️🎤♉

can't even believe it's my little sister's 24th birthday. where has the time gone? she's a mom now, i'm still jealous. miss her like crazy.

listening to Better Days - Cam Meekins. i love this song.

i miss my pothead days, seems like i was so much more mellowed out then. fuck this being uptight 24/7 bullshit.

i dont understand some things at times. like how i'm nonstop the bad guy, ect.

and i get how i'm supposed to pitch in and TRY and WANT to more, i totally get that.

but what i don't get is why you say hardly nothing at all to those who take and take and take from you constantly with no remorse or even bat their eyes, knowing they don't care but still every time it's the same thing.

there has to be someone in the world somewhere, seriously, that sees where i am coming from.

someone that can see i'm not delusional or crazy or stupid.

there's two sides to every story right?

it's been forever since i came to tumblr to vent but i am still grateful for this platform to let out all these thoughts that are driving me insane. thankful that i'm less likely to be judged here, thankful there's gotta be someone, somewhere, who might read this and understand.

it's such a lonely world isn't it?

it'll get better... eventually.

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CRAZY (not really jus starting to become very amusing lately).. how people do that. and also people sit there and constantly claim you've changed, or that you're different... but yet they can't even see their own behavior/actions? cmon now....

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so glad i'm learning to laugh at everything instead of sitting around wasting my time being all mad or sad... so glad i'm learning to remind myself of my worth, my purpose, what's important, and what i've learned.

refuse to lose myself anymore. i've lost myself enough. and i can't keep beating myself up over everything.

thankful that my God has helped me to grow & learn so much. Thankful that i've learned you aren't going to be able to understand everything in life and that's okay. AND lastly thankful that I know all too well, to not reveal everything i've learned.

Glad i've learned to pay attention and keep things to myself. Glad i'm learning that no, i'm not the worst person in the world, and no, not everything is my fault. Nobody's ever going to be perfect but all I can do is try. I can't force anybody to see/believe/understand anything. The only thing I have control over is myself. That's that. And I can, and WILL, keep praying. Because the faith of a mustard seed will ALWAYS move mountains, NO MATTER WHAT...

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one last thing: yeah sure there's gonna be shit that might depress you, piss you off, make you feel as if something's not right (especially when you get off ass vibes.) but like i keep saying: when life hands you lemons, you can't just make lemonade. you gotta learn how to stomach that shit whether it's sour or sweet. period.

... thank u tumblr for allowing me to let this shit out before it drives me insane. thankful for the one person in my life that i can talk to about EVERYTHING.. and grateful for all of her advice. so fucking ironic how spot on she seems to be about everything.

idek but it is what it is. . that's all i know.

first day of october already? where the fuck has the time gone.

so grateful to realize what i need to do, when it comes to getting my life right & getting myself together.

also grateful to be learning how to manage my crazy emotions better. i refuse to let anything define/control my life or myself. that's MY job.

blessed to have such unwavering faith. to have learned everything i've needed to learn. & realize what i've needed to realize. done going backwards.

like selena said, what i've learned is so vital. more than just survival. this is a revival; this is MY revival.

i will never ever get some things.

AT ALL.

but okay cool beans cause i will continue to do what i know i have to do.

the more stuff that happens, especially after i've been paying attention, & the more shit that continues to not change?

just gonna keep laughing at it.

why keep wasting energy and time on ANYTHING or ANYONE that's not going to change, not going to benifit me, makes me feel ANY negative type of way, ect.

no point in continuing to get mad, or sad, over bullshit. Period.

I know my worth. & I know it's pointless to give in to the negative shit.

I'm not going to stoop to any more low ass levels.

Gotta remember I AM strong. I AM good enough. & I know what i know now.

so that's cool, even when the day goes fine shit still goes fucking south.

why?

I WILL NEVVVVERRRRR KNOW.

it's cool

thank you.

just gonna keep doing what i have to do, & keep in mind what's important.

but it's sad as fuck how the day can go okay THE WHOLE TIME... but for some odd reason shit just goes south... out of the blue.

why? just why?

but okay.

i'mma just stay quiet, & focused.

funny how my gut ALWAYS gives me a heads up when something is: not right, off as fuck, or the day is about to get bad.

Been paying attention, recognized & realized A LOT.............................

Now I know. More than people think.

But.. once again, I know what I have to do.

Just gonna keep doing just that.

Not gonna backslide with any progress, it's not worth it.

Will never understand this but I'm done trying to understand, because it's pointless. So oh whale.

despite the fact i don't even fucking understand things right now, i'm STILL doing what i'm supposed to do..

rather definitley be anything but sober right now cause i'm not trying to think at all right now.

there's not a point sometimes, in thinking.

ONCE AGAIN... being a wallflower DOES have its perks. right? it sure does...... just saying.

idgi

been a good day, that shouldn't change.

i'm fine.

only reason i'd be anything but mad?

bullshit.

social anxiety is a bitch, but for once i'm definitely NOT acting up, having an attitude, bothering someone, or talking too much.

so i don't get it.

but i'll just continue to write/blog my thoughts & feelings, and just keep things to myself.

just going to sit here and keep to myself.

can't stand when things are fine then suddenly it feels like they're not and you sit there constantly wondering wtf happened, and wondering why things seem off.

hate sitting here thinking too much.

i just don't get certain things. at all. AT. ALL.

despite how irritated i am getting, i know it's pointless to say anything or do anything. i know all i can do is keep quiet, pay attention (be a mf wallflower), and do my best to enjoy my night.

last note. it really sucks when you're trying to be there for someone and it seriously seems like they are getting mad at you, for what? don't even know. and now i am just slightly confused, cause IDGI.......... and feel honestly just out of place. i get i should be better at socializing, but if i don't know what to say, or even have anything to say, then of course i'm going to be quite. but.. yeah.

it really kinda just hurts my feelings, but i guess that's my own problem. i was just trying to be there for you. that was all.

but okay.

got all that out. good to know i can write or blog at times instead of bottling shit up. really really REALLY dislike feeling off vibes. and feeling confused, like i literally don't get it. of course i understand people just wanna chill at times... and i'm not doing anything at all to prevent anyone from doing just that. i just don't understand why things are different now cause one minute they were fine and now i just keep getting these looks which makes me feel even more like shit ain't right. but.. alright. it's cool. i know i just have to deal with it.

anyways. know i can't sit here and dwell... just don't get why things have to be like this. but it's fine. i'm still okay. hope things actually are okay. definitely going to make sure my mind stays occupied (so i won't start feeling any negative way, obviously), & that i continue to be a wallflower, & just chill..

PS: it's insane, the things you notice/hear/see, when you play the wallflower role. some shit is just whack.. seriously.

thank you tumblr for being healthy outlet.

it helps A LOT.

stg some shit just is hilarious. like.. are people serious? really?

mentally laughing my ass off honestly.

some shit is just whack as fuck.

stop talking, and definitley don't bitch about things.

kill em with kindness & laugh at the bullshit.

stop wasting energy on negative ANYTHING.

you already know it's pointless so just stop.

keep in mind what matters, stay focused, & be the wallflower.

you're trying, that IS good enough. & so are you.

you ARE worth it.

any extra shit, take it with consideration but you don't always have to instantly react.

lastly: actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.. keep doing what YOU need to do.

& pay attention to other people's reactions, especially after you hear their words.

PS: the truth will ALWAYS come out, sooner or later.. don't stress over shit you don't know. woosah, take a breath, laugh. you got this.

ALSO: PAY ATTENTION BUT DON'T LET IT BE KNOWN HOW SOMETHING/SOMEONE MAKES YOU FEEL. IN LIFE YOU WILL SEE A LOT THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY...

why do i have to be the bad guy ALWAYS.

just why any of this?

i don't get it and i never will.

i try so hard and try to explain to you but it never seems to make a difference.

nobody listens, and it seems so much like things aren't ever going to matter no matter what i do.

from here on out i'm just gonna keep my mouth shut, i'll be sure to stop being a bother.

and people don't seem to understand WHY another person feels the way they do. but yet i try to explain all the time..

i don't ever understand why it's okay to make someone feel like every little thing they do is wrong.

all anyone can do is try.

and i do.

so why can't that ever be enough?

always questioning why,