I want to be fascinated

* * *

Karin’s apartment was on the twentieth floor of a tall building in Shibuya. The elevator ride up was a living hell, not because it was long, but because Karin knew there was a security camera in the corner. She couldn’t just grab Kasumi by the waist and kiss her all over like she wanted to. She endured by stroking Kasumi's hand outside of the view of the camera. There was this suffocating air of anticipation that filled up the whole elevator. Kasumi looked almost illegally pretty, and Karin just wanted to get to her apartment and throw all their clothes to the side.

After the elevator came to a halt and the doors opened, Karin pulled Kasumi along, almost running to her apartment door. She opened the door for Kasumi and followed after. They both slipped out of their heels and Kasumi backed up against the wall of the entrance hallway and Karin turned on the light and looked at her.

Kasumi was so hot that Karin felt she might melt just from their close proximity. Karin walked up to her and looped her arms around Kasumi's back and leaned in. Kasumi tilted her head upwards and stared into Karin's eyes. There was a brief moment where they did nothing except stare. Then Karin saw Kasumi's teeth graze her lower lip and Karin lost all sense of restraint.

Karin kissed her, skipping all the steps of chasteness, going straight for Kasumi's lips and tongue with her own. Their kiss was wet and sloppy and hot and absolutely perfect. They melted together as they continued, with Karin pressing so hard into Kasumi that there was no space between their bodies and the wall. Kasumi's hands roamed all over Karin's back like they were searching for something that wasn't there, and Karin moved her hands to Kasumi's waist and tried to pull her impossibly closer. Karin didn't know what was with her that night, but damn, was she ecstatic that it was going like this.

They eventually separated, breathless and flustered. When Kasumi recovered first, she smirked at Karin.

"What happened to dancing?" Kasumi asked. Karin scoffed at the question, but when the smirk didn't disappear from Kasumi's face, she became aware that Kasumi was serious.

"You want to dance after that?" From the distance they were at, Karin could still see the wetness of Kasumi’s lips shining in the light.

"You invite a girl to your place saying you're gonna dance, and you're not gonna dance? How cruel of you." Kasumi wiped away tears that weren't there and pouted. Karin thought it was so infuriating how cute Kasumi could be when she tried. She was even more infuriated about how that cuteness was able to convince her so easily.

"You're too much, you know that?"

"I've heard that a couple of times, yes." Karin sighed and started walking to her minibar then looked back.

"Do you want something?" Karin asked as she pointed towards the liquor.

"Can't say no to a free drink," Kasumi said with a smile. "You have a nice place. A good view, a bar, a big enough living room to fit twenty people."

Kasumi’s words were true. Karin’s penthouse apartment was large, had full windows overlooking Shibuya instead of outer walls, and had a bar stocked with different kinds of liquor that Karin drank depending on her mood.

"Thanks." Karin poured a couple glasses of vodka on the rocks and connected her phone to her speakers and turned on whatever mix she could find on her phone.

"Next time you have a party, invite me," Kasumi said with a wink. If only she knew how much damage that did to Karin, who downed her drink and poured another.

"I've never had a party here, actually." Karin didn’t go to parties in the first place. She always turned down invitations, preferring to go to the club or back to her apartment instead. Kasumi watched Karin take another long drink, but said nothing.

They drank a little more before getting into the groove of things. Karin didn't really feel drunk from the alcohol, even though she definitely was. She was more intoxicated on Kasumi.

Their dancing was much more aggressive and sexual than back at the club. They immediately glued their bodies together when they started. Kasumi turned around and pressed her behind against Karin's hips and brought her hands down to Karin's thighs. Karin snuck her hands under Kasumi's top and felt her smooth skin and taut muscles. She wasn't able to tell from seeing her in that shirt, but once she felt Kasumi's tight abs, she knew that Kasumi was fit. Karin took her time, feeling all over Kasumi's midriff and waist as they danced.

When the first song finished, Kasumi turned around and placed one of her legs in between Karin's and the two of them grinded together. Karin put her hands in Kasumi's hair and pulled her closer so that their faces were almost touching. Instead of kissing Karin where she wanted to be kissed, Kasumi planted her lips all over Karin's neck and collarbone. In retaliation, Karin moved her hands to Kasumi's breasts. She let out a breathy moan, and, in an instant, Karin was done with dancing. Karin pulled her over to the couch and laid her down.

“Someone’s eager,” Kasumi said with a coy smile. Karin didn’t say anything and just dove in.

Their lips met over and over before Kasumi gave way for Karin to enter her mouth with her tongue. The whole time, they felt each other up all over. When Kasumi’s hands drifted to her chest, Karin gasped before kissing her even harder than before.

As they continued kissing, the music kept playing. Then, as she was pressing into Kasumi with her entire body, Karin started to hear a slow love song.

Karin was reminded of her. They used to dance and kiss and make love to this kind of song, so it only made sense that it would happen. But for Karin, who wasn’t emotionally invested in the girl she was kissing, the feelings coming from the song were jarring. Kasumi wasn’t her. She wasn’t even close.

So what was she doing?

Karin asked herself that question and didn’t kiss Kasumi and wanted to get to her bar and just drink and knock out somewhere in her apartment. Preferably with no one there. Karin got off of Kasumi and looked towards the bar.

“I need something to drink,” Karin said.

“What’s with you?” Kasumi asked while holding Karin’s arm, stopping her from getting up. “Like, I’m the one risking my whole career right now, and you’re the one who started kissing me, but you keep getting distracted. And don’t tell me that Kasumin isn’t good enough or cute enough or sexy enough.”

“It’s not that. You’re cute and hot... but I can’t do this right now.”

“Why?” Kasumi asked, her steadfast gaze piercing through Karin.

Karin thought for a long time about how she could explain everything, but realized she should instead be thinking about what she wanted to tell Kasumi. Maybe this was wrong from the beginning, and Karin should just drink and dance and sleep and work and repeat the cycle.

Karin again tried to get off the couch, but Kasumi kept holding her arm and pulled her into a hug and looked at her with those puppy-dog eyes that Karin couldn’t resist.

But she would try.

“You can tell me,” Kasumi said while stroking Karin’s arm.

“I can’t.”

“Just tell me.”

“Let me get a drink first.”

“No. Tell me.”

“Just a little.”

“Tell me, Asaka.” Hearing her name called so aggressively broke Karin.

“I just... haven’t done something like this in so long. Since high school, really,” Karin said. Kasumi rubbed her arm while she listened. “And back then I was... I don’t know... in love, I guess.”

Karin talked about how a foreign transfer student became friends with her, and how they were dorm-mates, and how she was understanding and amazing and perfect for her. She talked about how they started dating and how they were just so happy together.

But eventually, her love had to move back home after high school. And things became hard when it was long distance. Karin was really focused on becoming an amazing model, so she couldn’t spend as much screen time with her lover. Then calls stopped happening as often, and texts stopped coming, and when they did, Karin couldn’t respond immediately. It was partially the time difference, and partially their schedules, and partially their love fading away.

Karin blamed herself. If only she didn’t become a model. If only she had a free schedule so she could respond whenever she called or texted. If only she could tell when things weren’t working out, and she could just fly over and make amends and fix everything.

Because she couldn’t blame her. She was perfect and amazing and caring and beautiful and loving. She knew how to get Karin out of her shell and how to make Karin happy. She made Karin feel whole.

There was no one else that could do the same, so why even try in the first place?

Karin explained most of this to Kasumi. Sometimes she would try to stand up to get alcohol before opening up, but Kasumi would hold her there and just listen. When Karin stopped talking, Kasumi still held her there, despite all of Karin’s desire to get up and drink and be numb again.

“I don’t know. Like maybe you loved her, but that’s all in the past right?”

“Yeah, and I can’t go through that again. I just can’t.”

“This is not the same,” Kasumi said. “In the first place, I don’t like you. You’re famous and hot, but I don’t like you like that.” Karin wondered if she should feel offended by those words but accepted them in the meantime.

“I don’t like you either.”

“That’s fine. The point is, what did you learn from that? Like, that’s how it was for our entire careers right? We’d do something, fail, and think about how we could be better afterwards. I think it’s the same thing with your ‘love’ or whatever.”

Kasumi’s words made too much sense. Karin had a lot to think about. She racked her brains, but she couldn’t focus because Kasumi’s hands moved from her arm to her midriff.

“So, what do you want to do?” Kasumi asked, still stroking Karin’s body. Karin’s head went empty at Kasumi’s touch. Maybe she shouldn’t think so much and just enjoy it, she thought for a little. Maybe she shouldn’t think about that ever, she thought as Kasumi’s hands wandered too far up her body.

No, despite Kasumi tempting her, Karin thought long and hard about everything. Kasumi was probably right, but it was that gap between probably and absolutely that Karin was worried about. She filled her mind with what-if's and struggled to answer them all.

It boiled down to a single question in the end. What did her relationship with Emma mean to her? Was it something she would just push aside and try to forget? Or was it a failure she'd learn from? Or was it something that would haunt her forever?

Karin made her decision and pushed Kasumi down at the same time.

“I want to do you,” Karin said.

“Prove it,” Kasumi said while wrapping her arms around Karin.

Karin’s hands rushed underneath Kasumi’s top and felt her smooth skin and hurriedly took off that piece of clothing. Kasumi was criminally gorgeous underneath that shirt. She was wearing this cute, lacy, yellow bra, and Karin wanted to rip it off, but reached around her back and unhooked it because she wanted to be polite. Kasumi’s breasts were small and cute and Karin needed to taste them.

Before she did, Karin paused.

“What should I call you? Nakasu?” Kasumi rolled her eyes at the question.

“We’re well past first name basis.”

“Kasumi, then.” At the sound of her name, Kasumi wrapped her arms around Karin.

“Kiss me, Karin.”

Karin pressed her lips against Kasumi’s skin, peppering Kasumi with kisses as she moved downwards. She paid extra attention to Kasumi’s chest, and Kasumi let out some soft moans in return. Karin kissed Kasumi all over her midriff before moving her hands to her skirt.

Karin dragged her skirt off, slowly, and the friction between her legs and the fabric made Kasumi growl. Once it was off, Karin threw it to the side and pressed her lips against Kasumi’s waist. She moved downwards, past the place where Kasumi wanted her, and kissed Kasumi’s thighs over and over.

“Fuck, Karin,” Kasumi moaned as Karin kept inching closer but pulling away.

“I thought idols weren't supposed to curse.” Karin looked at her from down there and smirked and laughed when Kasumi glared back.

“Shut up and fuck me.”

When Karin saw how much Kasumi needed her, she stopped teasing. She pulled off Kasumi’s underwear, and looked at Kasumi before her, and knew what she needed to do.

“With pleasure.”

Karin brought her head down between Kasumi's thighs and stuck out her tongue. She tasted incredible, Karin thought as she ran her tongue along her pussy. Kasumi let out a gasp, and Karin loved hearing that sound, and wanted to hear more of it.

Soon Kasumi was gasping for air in between moans, and Karin was hyper-focused on making Kasumi feel good. Karin raised a hand up to Kasumi’s face, then, after fondling her until Kasumi begged her to touch her, Karin inserted her fingers into Kasumi’s mouth. Knowing what she wanted, Kasumi licked her fingers to make them wet, and Karin brought them down and started to tease Kasumi’s entrance.

Karin inserted a finger, then two, and Kasumi was so wet, and she put her hands in Karin’s hair, and Karin felt so comfortable with it, because it almost felt like her hands belonged there. She relished in hearing the obscene sounds coming from Kasumi's mouth. She focused on Kasumi’s clit, and Kasumi’s legs shuddered so hard, and she begged, so needily, for Karin to keep going. After hearing that she was close, Karin went deeper with her fingers and touched her teeth against Kasumi's clit.

When Kasumi came, it was utter perfection. Hips bucked, back arched, head thrown back into the couch, hands pulling her forward. And that sound. It was beautiful music to Karin’s ears, and she wanted to hear it over and over again.

After Kasumi stopped shaking, Karin crawled up the couch so that she could kiss her. They locked eyes while smooching, then Kasumi flipped Karin over and looked at her with eyes that said they wanted so much more.

“Your turn,” Kasumi said before dragging Karin’s skirt and underwear off, awfully slowly. Karin let out a long, deep groan as Kasumi's fingers went to her entrance. Kasumi made a comment about how wet Karin was after touching her, and Karin retorted about how Kasumi was the same earlier. Karin took off her shirt and unhooked her bra and threw them to the side and watched as Kasumi’s eyes widened.

“These are just... so unfair,” Kasumi said as she fondled Karin’s breasts, her hands not big enough to hold them in their entirety.

“You like them?”

"I hate them." Kasumi then brought her mouth to Karin's breasts and showed how much she hated them by kissing them all over.

Kasumi continued downwards, but moved more quickly, because she could already tell where Karin was weak. Karin had spent a lot of time teasing Kasumi’s thighs earlier, so Kasumi took a wild guess about how returning the favor would go.

Kasumi was right. When she softly dug her teeth into Karin’s skin as she moved up and down her inner thigh, Karin squealed and asked for more. And Kasumi wouldn’t give that to her. No she would keep enjoying Karin’s whimpers as she continued to hover over that spot while barely grazing it with her kisses.

“Please, Kasumi. Please,” Karin said in between gasps of air.

Then, when Kasumi did bring her fingers to Karin’s core, and Karin moaned in relief, Kasumi stopped moving.

Karin looked at her, confused and desperate. Kasumi brought her face back up to Karin’s, then inserted two fingers while staring right at her.

“I want to watch you come,” Kasumi whispered as she started thrusting her fingers in and out. Karin, who was powerless in that position, just held Kasumi’s head and kissed her as hard as she could.

Oh, did the orgasm start building quickly. It was like Kasumi better pinpointed her most sensitive spot with each thrust. Karin’s breaths became ragged, and she moaned into Kasumi’s mouth over and over. Kasumi curled her fingers up into Karin’s abdomen and hit a spot that sent electricity throughout Karin’s entire body.

Karin opened her eyes after that first touch to that spot and saw Kasumi prowling over her with a hungry gaze. And in the reflection of those eyes, she caught a glimpse of herself.

But who she saw wasn’t Karin Asaka. It wasn’t the cool, mature, successful, eternally lonely model. No, she saw a moaning, shuddering mess of a woman who she hadn’t seen in such a long time.

And then she came harder than she ever had before in her entire life and Kasumi held her as she shook so violently and maybe this was what it was like feeling whole again.

Or maybe it was just a fucking good orgasm.

As Karin’s vision became clear again, and she caught her breath, and she looked at Kasumi who was wearing the most annoying grin... Karin felt happy.

“You were amazing,” Karin said, not caring to put up false pretenses after experiencing that.

“I know,” Kasumi said while smirking. “And you, were certainly something.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I never thought the Karin Asaka would ever look like that.” Kasumi laid down next to Karin on the couch, and they stared at each other. Karin leaned in to kiss her, but Kasumi rolled over and looked at the ceiling. “It’s a shame we’ll never do that again.”

Right, Karin thought. Relationships were off limits. Kasumi’s career was just starting. If they were caught dating, Kasumi might just fade into obscurity after the scandal.

“If we ever work together, we should treat it like we’re just meeting. Just be super professional with each other. Try to keep things short and not personal.”

Maybe that was for the best, Karin thought.

But, she decided to ignore everything that Kasumi just said.

Because even if things wouldn’t work out, even if she ended up heartbroken again, Karin had already come up with the resolve to at least try.

She rolled Kasumi back over, and brought her hand to her face, and stroked her cheek. She was unsure of what the look in Kasumi’s eyes meant. They were full of fear and expectation and longing and so many other things.

“What is it... Asaka?” Kasumi asked, avoiding using the name she called Karin just minutes before. She didn't want to get her hopes up. Hearing that, Karin gulped down her fears.

“Y-You want to go to the club sometime? Together?” Kasumi laughed and put on a smirk and shook her head.

“Why? You gonna dance with me?” Her smirk faded when Karin’s gaze didn’t waver. “Or what?”

Karin nodded and smiled and leaned in and kissed her, and Kasumi felt unsure of everything except wanting to kiss Karin back.

“Fine. But we can’t be lovers or anything like that though.” Karin smiled because she knew the perfect answer to that.

“We won’t be. We don't even like each other.” Intrigued, Kasumi raised an eyebrow and waited for Karin to continue.

* * *

Karin was drunk. Not the belligerent kind of drunk where you threw too many fits, and didn’t remember it the next day, and when you looked around it seemed like a tornado swept through your room — not that Karin needed any help making a mess of her living space. It was the kind of drunk where your body felt paradoxically light yet heavy, and your head felt that everything-will-be-okay numbness, and you didn’t feel so alone.

And, in Karin’s case, it was the kind of drunk where you just felt like dancing.

She was at a high-end, exclusive club she visited whenever her schedule allowed it. It was the kind of clubs where, if you wanted to drink and dance there, you either needed a hefty amount of spending money that night, or you needed to be somebody.

Oh, was Karin Asaka somebody.

She had an astronomical rise to fame as a model after moving to a prominent agency at the age of twenty-two. Now, at twenty-four, she was everywhere. On billboards, magazine covers, and television shows, including the celebrity talent shows where she could show off her singing and dancing. Maybe she could have been an idol in a different life, but she leaned more towards modeling than performing in the first place.

Still, the club might as well have hired her for how often she put on performances while drunk dancing. Whenever she put her drink away and stepped onto the floor, everyone’s eyes started drifting. Sure, they would redirect their stares after realizing they were in company, or when it felt wrong to ogle for that long. But in the back of their minds, they knew they could return their gazes to her and watch an amazing show.

There were some brave people who stepped up to dance with Karin. But it never turned into anything sexual. Karin tunnel visioned on moving her own body way too much to think about her partner. She’d match their movements, sure, but in the end, when that numbness started to dwindle away, she’d thank them, pay her tab, and leave to her liquor-filled penthouse. There she could keep that numbness going long enough to sleep.

Because thoughts came in the night. Thoughts of being lonely for her entire life. Thoughts of how the past could have gone much differently. Thoughts of how she wouldn’t have gotten to where she was in any other way, but at the same time, the curiosity about a normal life would continue burning inside her.

Then again a normal life would involve romance, which Karin was absolutely not interested in.

She told herself that, anyway.

“It’s kinda funny how you can feel lonely surrounded by all these people,” Karin bemusedly thought as the music slowed down. Her drunkenness was starting to wear off, so she thought of leaving. She took a quick scan of the room. Many eyes were on her.

Then, Karin noticed someone who wasn’t looking. That girl was sitting at a table and facing her friends, engaged in chatter. Her short, light-brown hair framed her tiny, pretty face. She was wearing a light, off-the-shoulder top that hugged her thin body tightly, accentuating her not-so-curvaceous figure. She had on this smile that said she was having a great time chatting. It was the first time Karin had seen her at that club, but Karin thought she looked familiar. She focused on that girl and turned her body in that direction.

The tempo picked up again, and Karin started dancing. Her tantalizing body rocked like a violent ocean wave at times and swayed like a breeze-blown branch at others. She did a sexy dip with her hips, then, after standing up straight, she bent ninety degrees and dragged her hand up, awfully slowly, from her ankle all the way up to her thighs as she straightened out again. The whole time, her eyes were on that girl.

Many people shouted and cheered, drawing the brunette’s attention. The girl looked at Karin, and her gaze moved slowly downwards and lingered, before moving up even more slowly. Karin grinned at that as she continued to dance. However, the girl soon turned back to her friends. Karin was pissed, but wasn’t sure why. She stopped her swaying and started to walk over, twisting her hips with every step.

“I haven’t seen you here before,” Karin said as she stood next to their table. All of them looked, but the brunette Karin was eyeing was the one who turned last. 

“Must be because you’re not looking.” The girl stared at her with a deadpan expression. That surprised Karin. Normally everyone wanted her attention. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m talking with my friends.”

“Kasumi-san, that’s Karin Asaka. The Karin Asaka!” One of Kasumi’s friends, a girl with long dark hair and blue eyes, stood up from her seat. “I’m Shizuku Osaka. I’m a big fan.”

Karin recognized the face. Shizuku was an actress that had made her debut recently. Sure, it was as the main character’s best friend, but even Karin could tell she was good. Karin also heard some talk about Shizuku getting a main role soon.

“Same here. Rina Tennoji. You might know me by AIP.” The other friend, a girl with messy pink curls and a blank expression, stood up and bowed.

Karin recognized the name. AIP  — as in artificial intelligence producer, but pronounced Ai-P — was a well-known sound technician in the industry who produced vocaloid and electronic songs in her free time. Karin liked most of her songs, and now she could put a face to that name.

“Nice to meet you both,” Karin said before looking at Kasumi. Her friends certainly were somebodies, Karin thought. “What about you?”

“Kasumi Nakasu. Also known as the cute Kasumin. I’m not a fan,” she said. Karin knew she was an up-and-coming idol that relied on the fact that she was cute. That was why she seemed familiar. Karin agreed with the cute part, just not when she was talking.

Karin scanned the table. Her friends were both drinking some sort of light cocktail. Karin would know. Then she noticed that Kasumi’s glass was empty which, in Karin’s head, meant one of two things. Either Kasumi was thirsty for more, or she was ready to dance. In her case, it was probably the former.

“Let me make you one then,” Karin said back. “I’ll buy you a drink.” She spoke in a sultry voice, wearing an expression that would slay any other person in their seat.

“Already charmed by me, huh? Well, can’t say no to a free drink.” Kasumi stood up and started walking to the bar. It wasn’t exactly the response Karin was expecting, but that was a good thing. She didn’t often offer to buy a drink for others, but every time she did, the girl would either be way too eager or way too shy.  Kasumi towed the line for being eager, and she was in no way shy. She seemed like a girl who knew what she wanted and knew what to do to get it. Karin’s interest was piqued.

The bartender greeted Karin like she was an old friend, then asked what they’d be having. Karin ordered a shot of a particularly expensive vodka that she liked, then looked at Kasumi.

“I’ll have what she’s having,” Kasumi said, her voice exuding fake confidence. Karin picked up on that and snorted.

“Shots aren’t good for little girls.” Karin smirked at Kasumi’s glare.

“You’re what? Only two years older than me? I’ll be fine.” Kasumi nodded to the bartender, who poured another shot.

“Oh? So you do know a little about me.” And now Karin knew a little about her.

“Who doesn’t?” Kasumi handed a shot glass to Karin. They clinked glasses together. “Cheers.”

They both downed the vodka. It went smoothly down Karin’s throat but left a familiar burning sensation at the end. On the other hand, Kasumi grimaced as she swallowed. Karin saw that and giggled and called Kasumi cute. Kasumi told her to shut it and ordered more, and they took another.

Karin looked at Kasumi, who was still reeling in the aftermath of swallowing. She had on this small black skirt that barely reached her thighs. Her heels lifted her a few centimeters off the floor, not helping her small stature much. 

Kasumi wasn’t that kind of innocent cute reserved for small animals and children. No, it was the kind of cute where Kasumi was still unbelievably hot but was unable to be described as sexy like Karin. That’s how Karin saw it, anyway.

When Karin brought her eyes back up, making sure to linger on all the right places, she found that a smirk had replaced Kasumi’s grimace.

“Enjoying the view?” Kasumi asked, her grin only getting more annoying by the second. 

“View of what?” Karin’s eyes landed on Kasumi’s meager chest.

“Don’t be rude. That’s one of my selling points. I wouldn’t be called ‘cute’ if I had those… things you call boobs.” Kasumi pointed at Karin’s chest, and Karin laughed back.

Karin felt that drunken numbness coming along again, but she didn’t want to stop talking for the moment. Kasumi alternated between looking at her friends and at Karin. When she stood up, Karin grabbed her hand. 

“Why don’t you tell me a little about the idol life?” Karin asked. 

“Give me a second.” Kasumi walked back over to her friends and talked with them for a bit. Then she sauntered back over to Karin, trying to show off her cuteness with each step. “Why? Interested in becoming one?” she asked as she sat down.

“Interested in you,” Karin said while tilting Kasumi’s chin upwards. Kasumi’s reaction would surely be snarky and fun, Karin thought. But, when Kasumi’s face turned red, Karin let go of her after a delayed heartbeat. “S-Sorry, I didn’t mean-"

“I-It’s fine. It was just… Anyway, let’s have longer drinks if we’re gonna do this.” Kasumi ordered a relatively weak cocktail. The bartender looked at Karin, waiting for her to order something strong.

“I’ll have what she’s having.” The bartender’s eyes widened, but he shrugged and made them their drinks.

Kasumi started talking about idols. Really talking about them. Not about all the glitz and glam, but about the painstaking effort they had to put in to get to the top.

Kasumi knew she wanted to be an idol from a young age. She saw how cute they were and wanted to be that cute as well. So she devoted time to learning how to sing and dance. In high school she became a school idol. And for the first time she realized how it felt to be on stage.

It sucked. Sure, you performed in front of all of the people who supported you and cheered you on; that part was great. But, if you made a mistake up there, the whole world could see it. And then your number of fans would dwindle away. Kasumi was never a super popular school idol to begin with anyway, so watching any of her fans disappear hurt.

It was after high school when she decided to devote herself to becoming better. She enrolled in more dance classes, took up singing lessons, and took everything she learned and applied it. She talked with every producer she could and auditioned many, many times. She was hired by an agency that, at the time, was pretty much unknown. Kasumi brought it out of the shadow and into the limelight through her performances.

The road was tough, and she even did things to sabotage the people in her way. Things that didn’t hurt them directly, but things that definitely made them look worse at being idols in comparison to Kasumi. Never anything sleazy like sleeping with their producer or some rich guy supporting her agency, though. Kasumi was too good for that. Eventually a popular agency saw how much she pushed herself and picked her up.

Karin appreciated the competitive mindset that Kasumi had. She saw the same drive she once had in herself before she ended up at the top of the modeling world. Kasumi might be able to reach the top, as well, Karin thought. She didn’t say it, since that would boost Kasumi’s ego way too much.

As Karin listened to Kasumi’s story, she sipped at the cocktail, which tasted more like fruit juice than liquor. After Kasumi stopped, they both finished their glasses. Kasumi ordered two more.

“Your turn,” Kasumi said after handing Karin her cocktail. With a sigh, Karin recollected her past and swirled her glass around before taking a long drink.

Karin’s story was roughly the same as Kasumi’s now that she thought about it. She was an amateur model throughout high school, then devoted her life to modeling afterwards. She worked her way up to the top. Kasumi was heading up on the same road that Karin took a couple of years ago. Following that projected path, soon Kasumi would be as famous as her. 

But she wouldn’t be as lonely.  Karin was sure of it. Kasumi had friends to hang out with at bars. She wasn’t there to dance the night away in a drunken haze, all alone in a sea of swaying bodies.

Thinking of that while she recounted her past to Kasumi, Karin downed the rest of her drink and ordered another. Kasumi eyed her, suspicious of what Karin was feeling, then followed her lead. 

The alcohol started to kick in, and the two of them started talking about random topics, including the people around them. Karin had met a few of them before or heard about them from others. Kasumi was curious to learn more, maybe to find some angle to approach them, Karin thought. The two of them leaned closer in their seats as Karin whispered, and Kasumi laughed and put her hand on Karin’s thigh and left it there. Karin looked all over Kasumi’s body, and could feel that Kasumi was doing the same to her. The distance between them grew smaller with each second.

“You gonna dance with me or what?” Kasumi asked before they could actually collide. Karin grabbed her hand and pulled her to the dance floor.

Again, everyone’s gaze drifted. Oh, it was another one of Karin’s performances, they probably thought. They were waiting to see how much she outshined her partner.

But, for some reason unknown to Karin, that night felt different. Like the energy in the air was charged with something special. She decided to focus on herself like she always did.

But in the end, Karin couldn’t take her eyes off Kasumi. She kept up with Karin with seemingly no effort. Karin knew it was due to the dance practice she talked about when they chatted about idols, but Karin never knew idols could be this good. She thought they were all about being cute and smiling and appealing to the audience, but Kasumi was hot and sexy and everything Karin never expected from her.

Kasumi pulled Karin over, and they danced together, their bodies touching then separating, as if Kasumi was teasing Karin with the light contact. Karin focused on showing off her body and sex appeal, and she could tell that Kasumi’s eyes were all over her. She pointed that out to Kasumi, who said that Karin wasn’t any better. She was right. Some tried to join them, but Kasumi and Karin shooed them away while pulling each other closer. Soon their bodies started to grind together, leaving no room for anyone between them.

Everyone’s eyes were on them, but they only looked at each other.

After a few songs, Kasumi called for a water break. As they walked up to the bar, Karin watched a mixture of both of their sweat drip down Kasumi’s upper back. Kasumi asked the bartender for two waters.

“You’re gonna need water to keep up with the cute Kasumin,” she said as she downed the entire glass. After thinking about how Kasumi was much, much more than cute, Karin did the same.

Karin looked over at the table where Kasumi’s friends were sitting. It was filled with unfamiliar faces.

“You’re gonna be fine without your friends?” Karin asked.

“Yeah, I told them earlier I might be a while. They’re probably off doing their own things.”

“What like… each other?” Karin asked while winking. Kasumi scoffed and shook her head.

“No, they’re not an item. Shizuko is single since she’s way too busy learning roles and auditioning. Rinako does have a girlfriend, and they’re good for each other, you know?” Kasumi smiled as she looked past the bottles in front of them. “You don’t know this, but Rinako is pretty shy. Her girlfriend is the opposite. She’s bubbly and always helps Rinako when it comes to her feelings. They're cute.”

Karin hummed. Yeah, if only there was someone tailor-made to suit you, Karin thought. If only it always worked out no matter what happened. If only you could just be together forever and nothing would get in your way.

She shook off those thoughts before speaking again.

“And what about you, Miss Cute?” Karin asked.

“I’m an idol. Relationships are out of the question. After all, the cute Kasumin belongs to all her fans, not just one person.” Kasumi said that last sentence in a sing-song voice. Karin recalled that rule she had heard about. She snorted and shook her head at how stupid she thought it was. “You?” Kasumi asked, leaning closer as if she was listening to a secret shared between them.

“No. I’m single. Have been for a long time.” Karin looked beyond Kasumi into the past, remembering her. Kasumi tilted her head in questioning, but Karin said nothing more. Instead she went back to the bartender to get another glass of water. When Karin came back, Kasumi grabbed onto her hand.

“Enough talking. Let’s dance.” It was Kasumi’s turn to pull Karin away from everything, including her thoughts.

Their shared performance this time was much like the first, except it escalated more quickly. Kasumi seemed to be extra attentive to Karin, teasing her with quick touches whenever she felt like she’d be pulled away from the dance by her memories. Karin wasn’t sure how Kasumi knew. Eventually, Karin focused on only her.

Soon, Karin was dancing against Kasumi’s back, their bodies still pressed together. Their hips swayed in sync. Karin’s hands drifted along Kasumi’s body but missed the parts that should only be touched in the bedroom. Her shoulders, arms, waist, and midriff were all free game, though. Kasumi rubbed her hands along Karin’s thighs and hips in return.

It was almost like sex with their clothes on, Karin thought as she started to ache. A familiar heat spread up to her cheeks and inside her stomach and down between her thighs. She knew the wetness down there wasn’t just sweat. She looked at Kasumi’s chest from above, and saw moisture slide down it, and felt the urge to kiss and lick Kasumi, following the path of the sweat droplets. She didn’t but spun Kasumi around instead.

Kasumi didn’t seem to be faring any better, with a blushing face and eyes that practically screamed, “Do me.” Karin saw that and grabbed Kasumi's waist and pulled her closer, so close that there was no air in between their bodies. Kasumi exhaled a hot breath and looked up at Karin. They stayed together like that, not moving for a brief moment.

Then Karin wrapped her arms around Kasumi’s back, and leaned in closer, and Kasumi was so warm, and her lips were so close, and… then Kasumi pulled away. Karin questioned her with a confused look.

“R-Remember what I said.” Right, relationships were out of the question. People were watching. They might be able to pass off dancing together, but a kiss was a death sentence. 

But Karin didn’t want the night to end. Sure, that drunkenness had turned into something else entirely, but Karin relished that feeling.

“We could... go somewhere else,” Karin said, unsure of everything. “If you still want to dance.” Kasumi thought for a while, just swaying in Karin’s arms. Then she leaned in and whispered.

“I’ll meet you outside. Don't make it too obvious you're following me, okay?” Karin nodded, then headed back to the bar. 

“Getting another drink, Asaka-san?” the bartender asked as he pulled out a bottle of her favorite vodka and a shot glass. Without waiting for an answer, he started to tilt the bottle. Karin half-thought of accepting it.

“No, no. I’m closing my tab. Put her drinks on it. Can you also call a cab to my apartment?” The bartender smiled and put the liquor away.

“Of course.” He closed her tab and made a quick phone call. “Good luck, by the way.”

“You know it's not like that.” Karin looked back towards the door, where she saw Kasumi exiting the building. “But thanks. As always.”

The bartender bowed to her then went to serve other customers. Karin did as Kasumi said and waited for a little, looking upon the many people dancing. After a couple minutes that felt like an eternity, she left, leaving the club behind.

She saw Kasumi outside, wearing a facemask and sunglasses, as if no one would recognize it was her from that hair and that face shape and that body. Karin tried to stifle a laugh as she walked over. They argued about whether or not her disguise was effective as they waited for the cab to arrive. When it did, Karin opened the door for Kasumi, and they both got into the car.

“So where are we going?” Kasumi asked as she dragged her fingers along Karin’s thigh, again causing Karin to heat up all over.

* * * 

Setsuna found Ayumu on the rooftop where they practiced with the club, leaning on the railing while gazing at the stars, her eyes so far away.

“Ayumu-san.” Setsuna watched as Ayumu turned to her, slowly and gracefully.

“Setsuna-chan. What brings you up here?” Ayumu asked. 

“I just wanted to take a break from all the planning.” Ayumu hummed and looked back to the sky. Setsuna stood at the railing next to her, but did not look up. Instead she watched Ayumu, saying nothing for a while, just enjoying the view. “What are you thinking about?”

“Yuu-chan told me about her dream. And it got me thinking about what my dreams are.” Ayumu said those words, but she did not sound sad. No, her voice was filled with expectations and hope. “Should I follow Yuu-chan into the music course? Maybe there’s something else out there for me. I don’t know.”

Setsuna listened without saying a word. Even in the darkness of the night, she could see Ayumu’s eyes lighting up. That sight brought a smile to Setsuna’s face.

“But I know one thing for sure,” Ayumu said, turning to Setsuna. “I can’t wait to sing on my stage.”

“Same here.” The two of them grinned at each other. Setsuna looked up towards the summer sky they stood under. It was not full to the brim with brilliant starlight, but Setsuna knew that in the darkness between the light, there were seemingly limitless stars. “Ayumu-san, whatever you choose, I know you’ll succeed. And I’ll support you the whole way.”

Ayumu thanked Setsuna, then shocked her with her next words.

“You know, I’m kinda jealous of you sometimes.”

“What do you mean?” Setsuna asked.

“Well, you’re good at giving advice. You’re so hard-working. You’re always chasing after your dreams.” Ayumu paused for a bit, then continued. “I’m always thinking, ‘Setsuna-chan has it all figured out.’ I think you’re amazing.”

Those words filled Setsuna’s chest with warmth.

Then, as she remembered her own indecision when it came to the girl in front of her, that warmth was drained back into the cold outside air.

“That’s not true, Ayumu-san.” Setsuna looked back up at the sky and let out a sigh. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she whispered.

“Then let me help!” When Setsuna turned she found Ayumu’s face a few millimeters away.

“E-Eh?!” Setsuna backed away, but Ayumu grabbed onto her hands, preventing her from moving further.

“You’re always helping me. I want you to rely on me too.” Ayumu’s bright smile seemed to catch the light from the moon and stars above. “Let’s support each other.”

“B-But… It’s a little personal,” Setsuna said while pulling away her hands. She watched as Ayumu’s expression turned from excitement to worry.

“You can’t tell me?” Ayumu asked. As much as she wanted to hide the truth, seeing Ayumu like that… Setsuna could not handle it.

“No, I can.” Setsuna thought long and hard about the words she wanted to say, the words that were absolutely unspeakable, and the words she would use here.

“If you wanted something, but it might hurt you and someone you really care about, what would you do?” Setsuna asked, hoping Ayumu would not understand the true meaning behind her words. 

Ayumu thought about an answer for a while. The recent events with Yuu swirled around her head. She was sure there was an answer for Setsuna in there somewhere.

“I wouldn’t want to hurt someone I care about,” Ayumu said. Another small sigh escaped Setsuna’s lips.

“Yeah, I thought so-”

“At the same time, if you’re worried about hurting that person, then you should talk with them.” Setsuna’s eyes widened after she heard that. “You’ll never know for sure unless you’re honest with each other, right? And as long as you really do care for each other, things should work out. That’s what happened with Yuu-chan and me, anyway.”

Setsuna did not respond, her mind racing as she tried to process everything. Surely, the situation with Yuu’s dream was different from Setsuna’s indecision when it came to her feelings. But could Ayumu’s advice still apply? 

During the entire time Setsuna was thinking, her gaze remained fixated on the girl in front of her. 

“Did that help, Setsuna-chan?” Ayumu asked.

“I think so,” Setsuna responded. She knew she needed to think much more to come to her own conclusions. But for now she was content with the advice she received. “Thanks, Ayumu-san.”

“Any time.”

The cold air blew around them, and Setsuna watched Ayumu’s hair sway in the wind. Ayumu brought her hand up to her head and looked back up at the sky. Setsuna stared at the beautiful sight before her. Then her gaze followed Ayumu’s. They did not say much more, simply enjoying themselves in silent company.

Ayumu’s phone eventually rang. She said Yuu was done practicing in the music room and bragged about how she recently started to hear Yuu playing from her apartment. Setsuna silently hoped Ayumu would find the dream she was looking for. Ayumu offered to walk home with Setsuna, who said she would stay a bit longer. Then the two of them exchanged goodbyes.

Before Ayumu left, she turned around and called to Setsuna.

“Whatever we decide to do, Setsuna-chan, let’s both do our best.” After saying that, Ayumu extended her fist outwards. Setsuna smiled, wrinkling the corners of her eyes, and ran up to Ayumu. 

“Of course!” Setsuna shouted while raising her arm up to match Ayumu. Their fists collided, and they stared at each other, the air around them charged with a familiar, encouraging energy.

Ayumu left soon after, and Setsuna leaned on the railing once more. The coldness of the metal felt refreshing on her arms. She gazed upon the stars, and they gazed upon her as well, shining as if they were smiling.

A storm of thoughts spiraled through her head, but she did not feel the same pressure as before. All of those thoughts led back to Ayumu, and the words she had spoken, and the feeling of their fists pressed together. Setsuna looked back at her hand and smiled.

After thinking for a bit more, Setsuna decided. 

So yeah, I wrote 5k words about a hiking date. This is because I started with a simple premise, KasuKari on a hike, and then new ideas kept piling on until I ended up with a big mess in my head and had to figure out what to keep and what to cut.

Sorting the mess is actually what I spend most of my time doing instead of writing. There are a few reasons for this. One of them is how terribly I organize my plot. When I write plot progressions, I do it like this (don’t laugh):

KasuKari meet up → They do something, this is why, this is how they feel → They do another thing, this is why, this is how they feel → blah, blah, blah → ... 

It is a terrible system. I’m looking back at my original one, a twenty-line wall of text, and I don’t even want to read it. The worst part is that I end up straying from it anyway. For example, in my notes, I have Karin kissing Kasumi to cut her off after they find her phone. After adding in the scene where they talk about dating and have a small fight over the photo, I realized that it was really jarring, so I changed it. I’m pretty sure I just use this plot progression for direction, and then write what feels natural anyway. Maybe that’s incorrect. I don’t know.

I also cut and add things in the final story that are not in my plot outline. I cut out Karin showing off her flexibility and an extra “I love her but I shouldn’t” monologue. The wall, Kasumi and Karin banter after it, and the dating section are not in my outline. I add what makes sense to me, and cut what feels weird. 

Another thing that is not in my outline is the idea that the hike should represent their future relationship. This single idea turned my whole fic around. I wrote too many words thinking of this idea. Like actually, I tried to insert it in everything they do after they hit the trail. Try spotting all of them. If you think you’re thinking too much, trust me you’re not. I say this because I thought too much about all of their actions after they started the trail. I actually remember myself, talking in call with a close friend, saying, “I’m doing too much,” while writing. I’m probably not, but it felt like a lot of juggling while I was writing.

I have stolen many, many things from better writers. Kasumi being a “minnow” when there’s “plenty of fish in the sea,” is taken from one of my favorite movies. “It’s pretty to think about” is taken from my favorite book. I’m a big proponent of the statement “You can’t write what you don’t read.” Obviously there is room for creativity, but my writer brain is small. The English language is a vast landscape, and when it comes down to what you want to say, there’s many ways to say it. But there’s not many good ways of saying it. Good ways fit the story, and have the right connotations, and focus on the right word. That’s the mystical thing about writing. You writers out there probably understand where I’m coming from.

I might care too much about a fic that maybe 100 people will read. At the same time, I love Kasukari. I love storytelling. I love, really, really love the characters I’m writing about. Maybe I misunderstand them. Maybe I don’t know enough about writing. But I am willing to sacrifice my free time and put it into writing. It might not be worth it. But I love it.

I’m going to say right now. I do not accept requests. The reason for that is passion. If I don’t feel the pair, then I can’t write them. If I don’t come up with the plot myself, it doesn’t excite me. It’s that simple, I think. Kasukari is my passion. It’s my drug. It’s what gets me thinking in the morning, “How will I write them next?” And the answer is, “I’m not sure.” I think that’s beautiful.

What were the odds of this happening, Karin Asaka wondered. The odds of attending Nijigasaki High School, and bumping into a transfer student who adored idols, and joining the School Idol Club, and falling in love.

Karin wouldn’t say she was a math expert, but she knew that finding the chance of several events occurring had to do with multiplying their probabilities. She also knew that the product of two small percentages was an even smaller percentage.

The odds had to be minuscule. After all, there were seven billion other fish in the sea, and it had to be her.

Unfortunately for Karin, Kasumi Nakasu was just a minnow.

Two years might not seem like much of an age difference. However, in high school, a first-year and a third-year can come into each other’s lives as quickly as they can leave. 

Karin didn’t even know whether or not Kasumi loved her back. For the past few months, the two of them had followed the same back-and-forth routine. Karin was content with their tease-offs. She didn’t want to get her hopes up through misunderstandings or project the reasons for her actions onto Kasumi. 

Even if Kasumi felt the same way, she would be stuck in high school for the next two years. She’d meet someone else, someone who could spend more time with her than Karin ever could in their one year together. 

Besides, behind her mask of cool maturity, Karin felt weak and pathetic. According to all the relationship advice she’d read in magazines and online, successful relationships were built on honesty. Karin could pretend to be cool and sexy all she wanted. If Kasumi realized the truth about her… 

Karin rid herself of the thought by shaking her head back and forth. As the train she was riding pulled into the station where they would rendezvous, a new thought entered Karin’s head and lingered as she exited through the sliding doors.

Kasumi deserved someone better than her.

* * *