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An Uncensored Evening (1980).

Gallagher is 34-years-old here and has been doing comedy for 11 years.

On paper this is a fairly charming introduction to Gallagher. It has its moments (which I’ll get to), but I just keep thinking about how a lot of these jokes seem like first-year-in-comedy type bits. Or maybe that’s just me. So many things reminded me of things I tried to write my first year in comedy. Because yeah, Gallagher is a prop comic. Because that’s what you remember. But he’s mostly a joke machine here. I just can’t decide if his one-liners are under appreciated or if he uses his wordplay and observations the same way a magician or comedy hypnotist uses them.

Also, it’s 1980. So I don’t know if all of these are original Gallagher jokes, stolen jokes, street jokes, or what was considered ‘hack’ at the time. Just as an example, he does a bit about how women cary their purse if they have money in it vs. if they don’t. And when he says, “If it’s like this, that bitch ain’t got a dollar.” Like, he uses an affected voice and delivery for the punch line he never uses the rest of the hour. Like he got it off a black Comedy Store miker without permission. But I’m making a lot of assumptions. It just feels like anyone could tell these jokes since there’s no part of him in most of them. He has a joke about the wet spot. He makes fun of commercials. He has Polack jokes. He has a gay interior decorator voice. Mexicans in a car jokes. He basically says, “These are the things I think about while I’m getting high.” He does, “If I was in charge” jokes. And his crowd work goes over well, but it’s peak club hack. I just don’t know if it was in 1980.       

There were jokes I liked. Getting Jehova’s Witnesses to deliver the mail made me laugh. He doesn’t comb his hair because, “Parallel hair? Who needs that?” Which almost sounded like Hedberg to me. I found his transexual joke really interesting, “What if there’s a female spirit trapped inside my body and I don’t know it because she’s a lesbian?” And he follows it up with saying his preference for female bicycles. “Does it seem reasonable to you that the one with the balls gets the one with the bar?” But again, what are the chances that Gallagher’s take on bicycles was original? I don’t know. There were glimpses into who this dude actually is. Like, I can tell he really hates Jimmy Carter. And while I probably wouldn’t agree with his politics, I kinda wanted him to go there instead of just dipping his toe in.   

But I guess none of this is the point of Gallagher. He comes out on roller skates. He pulls a banana out of his pants. He tosses out candy bars. The point is the fun. And actually, the part where he pretended to almost fall down towards the end actually made me laugh pretty hard because of the tension he created by hitting on a woman in the front row. And honestly, the best part of this was the introduction of the watermelon. The crowd had never seen this shit before. So they had no idea what to expect. There’s a point when he’s basically taunting them with smashing it onto them if they don’t laugh at his jokes. And then he leaves it there as a reminder. I loved that. It added a layer of danger that had them giddy with anticipation. And then during this whole thing, his microphone cuts out and his riffs, plus the crowd’s reaction in support, is one of those magic moments that I’m so glad they kept in the final cut. Which also seems very ‘alt’ of them to do. Yeah, I guess I’m curious to see where he goes from here.     

Mad As Hell. (1981). 

Well, Gallagher is in a theater now. And someone must have given him the same notes I did from his first special because the whole thing is quasi-political, “if I was in charge” material. The one-liners are mostly gone. So is the watermelon. It’s like a deep-cut Carlin special without the gravitas or like, if “Weird” Al had reimagined Chris Rock’s “Bigger and Blacker”. I don’t know. The POV is more clear. But I am guessing it’s also entirely forgettable. 

Let’s set aside the fact that this is his second hour in a year. And that he has another one coming later in the year. Or the same night (I’m not sure how it works yet). And that’s really fucking impressive. But this is still just applause-break comedy with the crutch of a bigger audience. He still hates smokers. And balding. And he still thinks money is worthless. There’s still a slight element of danger with the crowd. But this time it’s just graham crackers and spit liquor. I honestly don’t know why he’d move away from that unless it’s coming later in massive amounts. 

Again, there were jokes that I liked. His chunk about traffic was pretty strong. I liked the line about left turns (”That’s your yellow, you paid for it with your green.”) He has a strong riff with the audience about what to call a car with a bathroom. His bit about gene splicing (in 1981, holy shit) and his cat is all pretty solid (”Why don’t they make a butt flavored cat food?”, “When’s the last time your cat brought you home a tuna?”, when he wipes his feet on the pre-flattened cat). But there’s still arguably-racist jokes about the Japanese, the Iranians, Mexicans and their cars, etc. And there’s still jokes I’m not sure if he actually wrote (”military intelligence”) or might not be the most original (”why does a man have nipples?”, getting charged more when a check bounces). 

But the weirdest part comes at the end. And I say this knowing full well that he enters the stage singing, with a roller skate on one foot and a spring on the other, and that stage hands toss him hats or American flags at various times throughout the show. But Gallagher’s big Hannah Gadsby moment is a ‘save the whales’ poem complete with illustrations, one of which sprays water. It has nothing to do with the rest of the show. And Gallagher’s seemingly anti-union, dog-whistle-racist commentary seems at odds with such a cliche-hippy message. I have no real problem with it. But shit was weird. Like, maybe just smash some watermelons, man. 

Two Real. (1981).

Okay. I stand corrected. This was incredible. I don’t even care if things didn’t necessarily work. Yes, there was still gay voice and his most anti-Mexican joke yet. But this was ambitious as fuck. The ‘stupid’ part of the show makes the first part (since this was the same night as ‘Mad as Hell’) almost come off as brilliant. It’s AM & FM by Carlin meets Steve Martin meets the Carnegie Hall show by Andy Kaufman. He’s got sketches with a female performer. More songs. More balloon animals. Even a song-and-dance act with a prosthetic woman on his back that I feel like would have murdered at the Lincoln Lodge in 2005. The sledge hammer is even bigger. He even has the watermelons perform in a trapeze act. And he still finds ways to sneak in commentary on Middle Eastern oil or says the network news ain’t real or whatever.  I’m trying to picture a 35-year-old comic from my generation pulling this off now and I’m coming up completely empty. Maybe Vatterott. It’s just hard to believe this is the same guy from the year before. 

Totally New (1982).

The name probably wasn’t meant to be ironic. But this is a lot of rehash from the first special. Actually, I think the watermelon routine is the exact same as the first special. But I just keep thinking about how the watermelon smashing is the only thing we currently remember about Gallagher, when so much of this is political in nature. The theme is essentially, “How do we beat the Japanese?” That comes with some pretty dicey commentary on Japanese people, themselves. The worst of which is when he asks a member of the audience what they did today to beat the Japanese. And when the man replies that he dug a ditch, Gallagher says, “And buried a Jap in it?” I mean, Jesus Christ. Even if that line was handed to him on a platter... yuck. And since his overall message reminds me of a nationalistic Trump campaign rally, it might be important to know that our president is only a month older than Gallagher. Take that for whatever it’s worth. 

I guess I miss the fun of the last special and was hoping Gallagher was finding his groove. Maybe the dislocated elbow has something to do with it, but the same magic isn’t there. And the odd editing and misplaced laugh tracks also distracted me to the point that I had to assume some the jokes didn’t land when he did them live. I’m not even really sure if any stand out to me. There’s anti-union stuff. He does gay voice again and says “fairy” towards the end. There’s a point where he says, “I want you people to respect me for my mind,” and I thought, ‘that’s interesting’, but then he follows it up by saying, “See how dumb that sounds, girls?” So yeah. That’s what I’ll probably remember. I don’t know. The observational stuff wasn’t for me. He had a bit about women loving shoes. He sang a country song (!) that would definitely not be okay in the MeToo era. At times, some of the sight gags reminded me of something John Oliver would do towards the end of his show. But most of it felt like filler. 

There’s a point where he takes a fuzzy bathroom mat and lid and pretends to be a baseball catcher, which is a pretty great sight gag. His spelling material was interesting, but lacked punch lines. And I liked when he talked about his daughter. Because maybe it was the only time we’ve really gotten to see the real guy behind all the mess. The title notwithstanding, I am ready for something from Gallagher that is totally new.      

That’s Stupid (1982).

Hey gang. This was bad. And I’m not really clear what it was for. It’s the same jokes for the most part, but this time it’s done in a frantic and oddly-edited public-access-style monologue. There were lots of takes he should have re-shot. And I’m wondering if these were originally supposed to be digested in 5-minute chunks between shows. And maybe they threw them together into a special at a later time? And I almost skipped this because it’s not live. Then I remembered Drew Michael’s HBO special, which is essentially the same thing. So oddly enough, the two most avant-garde specials of 2018 (Drew and Hannah Gadsby) had already been done by Gallagher in 1981 and 1982. But I guess that’s what happens when you have 100 specials.    

Just about the best thing I can say about this is that he looks like he’s having fun. He keeps going for a joke about a Japanese computer spitting out fortune cookies, which... no. He also complains about cab drivers not being from this country. Then again, I swear Seinfeld has the same fucking bit. And he has even more anti-gay jokes. Some of which appear while he’s shirtless with manikins, which seem like a fever dream. I guess I liked seeing his house in Malibu. He had two jokes I hadn’t heard yet that I liked (one about finding good parking spots for the gym and the other about how they should get the net out of the middle of tennis courts because it ruins the game). And the one genuinely funny moment, quick though it was, came when he talked to a blonde woman at the unemployment office who said a man exposed himself from behind a newspaper. And Gallagher asked if he was reading the want ads. It’s objectively funny. But yeah. This one should be avoided. But I guess his joke about E.T. is a kind reminder about just how long ago this actually got made.         

Stuck in the Sixties (1983).

So there’s a theme of sorts, even though almost every joke was on “That’s Stupid.” Again, the editing is distractingly bad. I always think how expensive it must have been for him to just buy all these random things just to hold them up to the audience and say they’re stupid. But again, that still reminds me of John Oliver. There’s a long chunk about women’s nightgowns, and I have to admit that the sight gag of him pretending to go to the grocery store while saying, “This is a hideous problem,” made me laugh. I find it interesting that he said we shouldn’t have phone books, we should have computers. And that we should be able to dial people’s names. So he was right on those ones. But really, this is forgettable. And still, nothing gets a reaction like the Sledge-O-Matic. This one includes cottage cheese, so that’s fun. And the anti-Mexican, anti-Japanese stuff was barely noticeable. He says “rice-burnin’ cars” and he points at a guy in the crowd and identifies him as a Mexican. Other than that, it’s peace and love. But not much else.     

The Maddest (1983).

Do I think this one is memorable? Yeah, because I remember it from when I was a kid. It’s the giant couch trampoline special. And I’ve noticed that Gallagher has developed a bit of swag over the last two specials. And why wouldn’t he? This crowd is with him on everything this time. And at the end, they know the Sledge-O-Matic is coming, a few people have brought protective sheets and these people WANT that watermelon. And they want that son of a bitch smashed. He’s definitely performing to fans. Finally.     

I also might be changing my mind, in hindsight, about the “That’s Stupid” special. These last two specials have been packed with that same material. So it’s like he crammed every joke he performed into an hour and did them as fast as he could. “That’s Stupid” is jam packed. It’s two-other-specials worth of material. Which also means a lot of this stuff is repeats again. There’s also an outsized number of jokes I have to wonder, again, if they were written by Gallagher. Hot dog packages and hot dog buns have different numbers. 7-11 has locks, but it’s open 24 hours. And agin, I have to wonder if all of that is besides the point since he’s also entering on roller skates, driving around a school desk, having an Exorcist baby spit water and doing backflips on a fucking couch trampoline that he bought “with yer money.”

Again, I think his stuff about his baby daughter is probably the strongest. I liked the bit where he says Californians were pissed they couldn’t go any farther west so they built piers. And he has a men vs. women joke that’s eerily similar to Chris Rock’s from “Bigger and Blacker”, which came almost two decades later. Also, there’s some homophobia (he calls a hat ‘sissy’, he repeats a joke about sexual confusion in San Francisco). And I’m curious if his “busses taking kids to the wrong schools” line (another repeat) is anti-integration, which would be fucking flagrant.   

Mostly I’m curious about all the repeat material. Like, what is the need for Gallagher and Showtime to put out multiple shows with the same jokes shuffled around? The sight gags are what’s new, which I guess answers the question about what was important. At one point we’re almost 55-minutes in, and Gallagher references being up there for an hour and a half. He’s done something like this before and it makes me wonder if he had a longer show they edited around or what. I guess I’m just confused as to why we keep getting two specials a year or whatever it is, just so another big sight gag can be introduced. Then again, I remembered the couch. But I couldn’t tell you a single joke. And I think it’s probably gonna stay that way.  

Melon Crazy (1984).

The jokes are no longer the point. You could argue that they never were to begin with. But things have fully devolved into a big messy finale, new gadgets and sight gags and nothing else even matters. The people have brought their tarps from home. There’s a kid in a welding mask. And you’ve heard a vast majority of the jokes already. Nobody seems to mind. Part of me is surprised Showtime didn’t mind. But again, the jokes are no longer the point. If they were ever the point. 

In fact, this time, Gallagher brings out Bill Kirchenbauer (Growing Pains, Just The Ten Of Us) to do 12 minutes of material and then another 5 minutes of riffing. But I guess, why do other people’s material when you can just get other people to do their own? And Kirchenbauer isn’t bad. He’s physical. He has props. He’s bald. Less charismatic, but more likable. I feel like I remember watching his set when I was a kid. 

But we should probably talk about the sight gags. Gallagher comes out with a train-set hat shaped like a watermelon. He has a giant inflatable watermelon. He flies a small zeppelin (also a watermelon) over the audience, telling them he spends money on these things because they’re tax deductible. Now there’s a cleaning bucket for the Sledge-O-Matic. And the big closing piece is a Jackson Pollock-style painted map of the United States made with condiments and goop.

The bit is also a vehicle for more racist jokes about Mexicans. The crowds all seem to be in California. And they seem to laugh and applaud at the jokes. He uses guacamole to paint California. Then bean dip to indicate the southern border. It might have seemed more innocent if he hadn’t already had a joke about Californians wanting to annex Mexico because, “If you’re gonna live with the people you might as well get the real estate that goes with ‘em.” And he’s already told you (again) that he’s not thrilled about foreign cab drivers (”I don’t have anything against foreigners, but it ain’t no reason to give em a job,”). He also alludes to Chinese people in San Francisco, but it seemed more innocent without anti-Chinese shit earlier in the act.      

Maybe none of this matters. Maybe it’s just a cadence, words to say while he does the thing they came to see. But as the credits roll, snippets of his act are repeated in audio form. Like, “Remember this one?” And yeah. I do. Because you’ve used it on four specials. Which, again, is probably besides the point. 

Over Your Head (1984).

Hey, some new stuff. Or like, 70% anyway. This time Gallagher is in Texas. And he’s figured out new ways to fuck with the crowd. He’s got a bucket of water in a paper bag. When they think that’s done, he sprays them with a water gun as they scurry for their tarps. At the end, the stage has sprinklers, which is actually pretty genius. And I have to admit that I love when he gives the crowd a knowing look. About 13 minutes in, he does just that while saying, “You’re very correct to have your plastic up at this point.” Because, really, what’s the fun if everyone is ready for it? 

This is almost a full-on variety show. He tap dances. Sharon Baird from The Mickey Mouse Club tap dances even better. Gallagher reads a poem about river pollution, while a blue screen shows videos to the home audience. He sings “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” while a zeppelin hovers over the crowd. It’s bigger than the one from the last special. Then the feed cuts to Gallagher flying an actual zeppelin somewhere. Presumably over a rainbow. All while wearing a top hat that turns into a rainbow. And it’s somehow all a message about air pollution. In Texas. In 1984.        

So he definitely gets an A for ambition once again. Because as I typed that out, it started to dawn on me how insane that sounds on paper. Plus he’s got jokes about the Phoenicians, he’s got a mascot-like character of guy with his head up his ass. His fake daughter hangs off the rafters. And he has giant swim trunks he turns into a dress and a bull whip he bought at a 7-11. Maybe I’d be more impressed if I liked the stand-alone jokes. It’s really broad, for the most part. Women be shopping. Lots of pandering to Texas. Lots of facial mugging. But when the slop comes out everyone roars. By now I should give up on the ‘smart’ portion, accept the applause breaks, and embrace the stupidity. 

The Bookkeeper (1985).

James Franco should totally play Gallagher in the movie. Anyway, I don’t know why I’m getting so annoyed at all the repeat material. Maybe because saying ‘14 specials’ is kinda misleading since it’s one or two specials, shifted around by theme or at random. The theme in this one is taxes. He doesn’t like paying them. And there are some funny lines in there. He breaks down whose seat payed for what and then says, “That’s why I love the balcony. You’re MY money.” And “Congress is the opposite of progress,” which I’m guessing there’s zero chance he wrote. But he also shoots a ball of money into the crowd with a cannon, so what’s the point of dissecting it?   

And I could complain about his ‘men don’t stop to ask for directions’ bit. Or tell you that his material about masculine female athletes would be problematic in 2019. Or that he does a bit about women breaking a nail. Because he also has an invisible elephant climb up a ladder (complete with bending bars) and dive off a diving board into a pool, splashing water on the first few rows. He also has new mallets. He’s got a peeled watermelon. He’s got a giant big wheel. He’s got strobe lights. And it still hasn’t gotten old to me when he fakes out the crowd.  

There were things I liked or found interesting. I honestly liked hearing him talk about Michael Jackson (”You sing about Billie Jean, I want to see the bitch,”) and Brooke Shields ("Her name even sounds like an anti-sexual device,”). It’s funny when he talks about all the ridiculous things he learned in school, which he pronounces SHULE. And the bit about the ‘W’ in ‘One’ and ‘Two’ is clever. And the commercial he saw for the suppository, where the woman saying, “Don’t take my world for it,” is just a nice way of saying, “Stick one up your ass.”          

He’s spending a fuckload more times on the props though, and it shows. Even if there are multiple repeats, he’s always a step ahead of his audience in the splash zone. Just not sure if you can fault him if he’s giving the people what they want. 

Overboard (1987).

Honestly, I think this might be Peak Gallagher. If this isn’t his pinnacle, I’d be shocked. The material is new (or like, 95%), and strong enough that an editing decision was made to just give a highlight reel of the Sledge-O-Matic starting at the 45-minute mark. He must have done over two hours by the looks of it. And he’s got the biggest stage yet, the biggest set yet and the biggest props yet. In other words, yeah, Overboard. 

Let’s also get out of the way, that it’s also probably the most ‘problematic’ of the Gallagher specials if it were released in 2019. He’s got a ‘Fat Bitch on a Stick’, basically a heavyset woman on a pole that he holds over the audience and says, “She’ll poop on ya.” Which she then does. And I’m laughing as I type that. He throws the mannequin of an ugly Soviet/Russian woman in a pool. He hands vibrating watermelons to bikini models. He has bikini models. He says he doesn’t like women who look like men. And if they want to pump iron... it’s a dumbbell made of clothing irons. He says prison overcrowding causes homosexuality. But that might just be for his street joke punchline of “nowhere to put their stuff.” He says ‘sissy’ again, regarding the names of nuclear missiles. He has more jokes about the Japanese (”a race of very short people who are always bending in half”) and does an L/R pronunciation joke for the Toyota Corolla. There’s also Japanese tourist material. But the real ‘yikes’ stuff is about Arabs. TWA stands for ‘Travel With Arabs’, Delta stands for ‘Don’t Even Let Them Aboard’. He mistakes ‘Arab’ for ‘Muslim’ again later in the show. This is in 1987, mind you. And then the skinned watermelon at the end is Muammar Gaddafi, complete with a turban. It might be Bugs-Bunny-level racism, but still. 

If we can get past that, this can be a fantastic spectacle full of fantastic spectacles. He has a giant car, designed to look like a boat. He has a seagull on a pole, which also shits on all the people in their raincoats. He swings on a rope over their heads, which looks fucking dangerous. He invented a beer gun. And a champagne gun. And a moose douche, which is so stupid, it’s hilarious. He has a muscle coat, which I wanted really bad as a kid. And at the end, his daughter (I assume) hits him in the face with a pie.      

I think the biggest relief for me was that the material was new. I think we get to the 43-minute mark before he does verbatim jokes I’ve heard him do. Sure, some of the ‘new’ stuff seems lifted. He does the Greenland/Iceland bit. He does the “the cops didn’t have anything to go on” street joke. A new joke about men not asking for directions. But it’s also commentary on Iran-Contra, the presidents since LBJ, and after he ranted about spending money on other countries and giving back the Panama Canal, I swear Trump has seen this special. Especially when you see Trump splashing water. If he could hand vibrating watermelons to bikini babes at his rallies, you know he would. 

In 1986, Showtime put out a special called, ‘The Messiest’, which was just clips from pervious specials. I joked to myself about how that’s basically what every Gallagher special was. Not this one. Maybe if five specials from now, he’s still splashing the crowd with a paddle while Frankie Ford’s “Sea Cruise” plays, but as of now, this one will be hard to top.                

We Need a Hero (1992).

I can’t quite place my finger on it, but I feel like this isn’t the same fun-loving Gallagher from the 80′s. Maybe it’s because he seems obsessed with ‘getting’ the audience now. He makes fun of them when he fakes them out with water and slop. He tells them they look dumb when they duck. He never used to do that. Maybe it’s because they bring massive tarps now. But the ‘pies’ he makes at the end just gross the audience out. They grossed me out too. A soaked diaper with mustard and beer? That’s pretty fucking disgusting. So is watching him hand-mix baked beans and apple sauce for some reason. But I guess he stands in the audience while his infamous brother smashes shit this time to prove he can take it, but still. At this point, if you go to one of Gallagher’s shows, he’s fully intent on ruining whatever you were wearing. Hey honey, I got tickets to a full-on food fight tonight. Can’t wait to come home stinking like god-knows-what. This is the same guy who used to throw out candy bars and cookies.        

Maybe it’s his age. Gallagher is 46 now. He’s got a shaved head, which is actually an upgrade, even though he looks like G. Gordon Liddy. And I can’t help but think he feels angrier or like he’s not having as much fun. At least until the whig comes off. Maybe he’s just seeing how far he can take things. All that being said, this is also Gallagher’s most topical special thus far. And it does have some truly great moments (which I’ll get to). 

He’s got jokes about Pee-wee Herman, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Baker (”It’s too much to ask the preachers to do more than laypeople”, “I’m not a preacher ‘cause I already got your money”), Mike Tyson, George Bush (he said, “Read my lips” because he’s lying out his ass), Bill Clinton, Ross Perot, the Kennedys (they’re “drunk butts” from High-anus), Pete Rose, Madonna, Dr. Ruth, etc, etc, etc. Everything places us clearly in 1992. And I believe it’s 100% new stuff. There were lots of lines that made me laugh. “Soup isn’t food. Soup is what’s left over in the dishwasher after a good meal”, “A fair is where we all go to get cheated”, “Women can’t keep a secret but they can hold a fart”. And the problematic stuff might not be as noticeable. He doesn’t like men who wear an earring or women who look masculine. But that might just be a way for him to reveal his shaved head or the bikini top he made for his muscle suit. He has a “Black Or White” joke for Michael Jackson, but I’m guessing every comic at the time thought of that joke. 

My favorite part is when he brings up Robert Morris, a 14-year-old boy, who is so perfectly dorky that he is probably a plant. Like, I rewound the part where he tries to speak into the microphone and gets sprayed with water three times. That shit killed me. Even thought I’m positive I’ve seen this before. I mean, Gallagher also sprays the kid with a fuckload of silly string, which could be considered mean. But he really walks a fine line between laughing AT this kid and still making it okay. This special is essentially topical jokes and passable relationship humor done by a guy who probably has the gravitas to not smash shit anymore. And maybe it’s making him resent them for making him. 

Smashing Cheeseheads (1997).

I’m pretty sure this isn’t a Showtime special, but it almost looks like one, so why not? Gallagher sticks with the topical. He’s got jokes about OJ Simpson and Lorena Bobbitt. After his Mike Tyson joke, a graphic comes on the screen that says, “Two hours after this performance, Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear.” He also thinks the kids should pull their damn pants up. He points out how different men and women are. Men go off to the garage, for example. So it’s definitely not hip. And the hair is back, so maybe that’s a statement on how he’s 51-years-old and he’s not changing. But I also think the career decline is the most evident here, even though the theater in Green Bay is full.  

This is also the first special where Gallagher just flat-out calls something, ‘faggy’. He also says he’s gonna smash fruit cocktail for the homosexuals. Then he combines the fruit cocktail (aka ‘the queers’) with La Choy (for ‘the China people’) and calls it “a San Francisco treat.” We’re in Wisconsin, mind you, so who fucking knows why that would land. And the laughter seems pumped in for that line. The weirdest fucking thing to me is that, based on the montage at the end, there was a lot of editing done during the show. So he (or whoever edited this) left that joke in because they liked it. Crazy.   

I’m guessing this is largely forgettable. The Sledge-O-Matic has devolved into blatant gross-out time. There’s pickle water in a Depends diaper. Peanut butter becomes a shit joke. Jelly is cum. He hits chocolate Pop Tarts into the crowd with a tennis racket and says they're bound to hurt somebody. So like, why do it then? Just about the most interesting thing for me was that this is the first time we see Gallagher actually purchasing groceries for his show. And he spends $253, which would be about $400 in 2019. It’s all fresh food, Gallagher reminds the audience earlier in the show. So if it hits you with your mouth open, just go ahead and chew. It’s also the first time I’ve seen him walk into the crowd with a fire hose and spray the back of the crowd and the balcony. So nobody is safe. And I’m sure if he found a way to splash his gross-ness on me while I watched it 22-years later, he would do that too.  

Messin’ Up Texas (1998).

Wow. This is an absolute shitshow. I don’t even know what to say about what this has devolved into. Then again, the tastes in entertainment in the late 90′s and early 2000′s sure were going this way, but Jesus Christ. It’s almost entirely crowd work. A lot of it is downright mean. And then by the end, the stage is just a goddamn disaster. Again, there were parts I liked. 

First of all, Gallagher’s nephew, Logan, is a hit with the crowd. Some of Gallagher’s interactions with the kid are a smidge inappropriate. But one of the parts I liked the most from We Need a Hero was when he’d have ‘adult’ lines go over the 14-year-old kid’s head while the crowd laughed. So I have to accept that a boy scooping butter out of a tub with his hands gets told he should be a gynecologist when he grows up. And that’s before a thinly-veiled joke about the kid masturbating in the shower. Real fucking borderline. But those were the good interactions. 

Gallagher loves telling people they’re fat. That’s a new thing he’s doing. And one poor kid named Adam gets told his mom picked a Biblical name because she’s in motels so often and she picked up a Bible and turned to the first page. And that’s before he tells the kid he has a ‘faggy’ pocket on his pants. There’s more homophobic shit when he starts bringing up dudes from the crowd who have pocketknives to open paint cans. He starts insinuating one guy’s earring is gay. And he tells him people with rainbow bumper stickers deserve to be rear ended. I felt the worst for a girl with the last name Campbell. Gallagher calls her a dumb bitch in a way that felt like he was barely kidding. He hits her with one of his gross-out pies when she wasn’t expecting it. And then has her lift her shirt up to wipe it off, exposing her bra. I felt so uncomfortable. But she was a really good sport and got to smash watermelons at the end. Someone her age now would dash off the stage bawling and her tears would launch 1000 blogs. And these were all the parts where it felt like Gallagher was in control. Not so much later on.  

Some of the audience members are not ready for prime time. One teenager is uncontrollable and starts grabbing random things off the stage. That stayed in the final edit, somehow. Gallagher also apparently blinds himself with one of the mustard splats and I felt like the wheels were coming off. There was a point a few specials back where I was sick of his material. Now I’m begging him to reel everything back in.             

Sledge-O-Matic.com (2000).

This might be entirely skippable. It’s essentially the same set as the last two specials. Except it’s somehow even more homophobic. He says ‘faggy’ more often. He basically tells a 10-year-old boy he looks like his mom and picked a ‘faggy’ candy. He thinks pro wrestling is gay. Men with earrings look like homosexuals and piss off all the queers that come up to them. Lots of YIKES-type shit. He even manages to throw in a Mexican janitor joke. It’s a little much, to say the least. I guess I’m surprised he put this out. Except I guess he’s got a shaved head and a goatee again. Because he’s trying to look like Steve Austin. And maybe he just wants to sell a new shirt. And I suppose when he tells the little boy he can’t tell his gender, it does yield the line, “What? It’s just a head sticking out of a plastic bag. Looks like Jeffrey Dahmer’s garbage.” So... worth it?

The crowd just wants the smashing. When he’s trying to complain about modern society, he starts to lose them. He seriously tries to sneak in anti-religious jokes in the middle of this chaos where the audience has essentially become children and Hot Topic teenagers with their parents. There are a few other good lines. A guy walks in late with (presumably) a NASCAR jacket and Gallagher says, “You walk in late with Tide on your jacket. Go do another load and come back.” And when he talks about precautions against a lawsuit for things that happen during his show he says, “The things I want to do at night for fun sound real dumb at court in the morning.” In fairness, I guess he didn’t have too much further he could have gone after Overboard. But at this point, we’ve hit a wall.             

Tropic of Gallagher (2007).

I can’t find the footage online and part of me is thrilled about that. 

Gotham Comedy Live (2014); episode “Gallagher”.

The Baseball Hall of Fame just announced the 10 candidates on this year’s Veteran’s Committee ballot. And it’s a fun one since it’s from the “Modern Baseball” era. Don Mattingly, Dwight Evans, Steve Garvey, Tommy John, Marvin Miller (yawn, a union executive), Thurman Munson, Dale Murphy, Dave Parker, Ted Simmons, and Lou Whitaker are on the ballot. That’s just about the sweet-spot for my elementary school baseball card collection. Let’s see where these guys stack up now in 2019. I’ll go in order of their JAWS score, which is a combination of their career rWAR and peak 7 years. Google it. Okay... 

Lou Whitaker 

Sweet Lou gets no respect. And that starts at home, where he played 19 seasons for the Detroit Tigers, is the 4th-greatest player in their franchise history and doesn’t even have his number retired by the team. I guess, either does Alan Trammell, with whom Whitaker is forever linked. So maybe they’re waiting for Whitaker to join Trammell in the Hall, but still. No respect. He even hates the nickname “Sweet Lou” and that’s how I started this paragraph.  

Whitaker was the best player on the Tigers in 1983, 1989 and 1991. He was the best second baseman in the American League in 1982, 1985, 1986, 1988, 1991 and best in baseball in 1983. His career stats are similar to Ryne Sandberg, (of course) Trammell, Roberto Alomar, Joe Morgan, Joe Torre (who’s in as a manager, but could have made it as a player) and Barry Larkin. And JAWS ranks him as the 13th-best second baseman of all time, behind only Bobby Grich for non-Hall of Fame players. And only Robinson Cano and Chase Utley are better but ineligible. Over his long career (1977-1995), Whitaker is only behind Rickey Henderson, Wade Boggs, Cal Ripken, Mike Schmidt, Eddie Murray, Barry Bonds and George Brett for overall WAR.

And yet in 2001, possibly because WAR wasn’t really a thing yet, Whitaker only received 2.9% of the vote and fell off the Hall of Fame ballot after one chance. This feels like a crime. The man played the 1985 All-Star Game in replica merchandise purchased at the stadium in Minnesota. He wore a mesh cap and his number was drawn on in marker. Let the guy have something. Whitaker is probably the most-deserving player on this year’s Veterans Committee ballot. And if they vote for anyone, it might as well be him. A Hall of Fame with Trammell, and without Whitaker, feels like it’s missing something. 

Dwight Evans 

Dewey started his career as a stellar defensive right fielder - he has eight Gold Gloves - and then became a power hitter (by 80’s standards) later in his career. He was the best player on the Red Sox in 1974, 1981 and 1982. Although that team, at various times, had Carlton Fisk, Carl Yastrzemski, Jim Rice and Wade Boggs. Evans was the best overall player on the franchise from 1972-1990. And he’s the 4th-greatest player in franchise history (in terms of overall fWAR) after Ted Williams, Yastrzemski and Boggs. He played and lost two World Series with the team, all during the Curse of the Bambino.  

Evans was also the best right fielder in the American League in 1984 and 1987, and the best in baseball in 1981 and 1982. And he was the best overall right fielder from 1972-1991. Over that same 20-year time period, he was also the 11th-best player in all of baseball. JAWS ranks him as the 15th-best right fielder of all time with a 52.2 score. That’s a smidge below average for a Hall of Famer, but everyone above him is in the Hall of Fame, except for Larry Walker and Shoeless Joe Jackson.  

So the long career gets him his WAR numbers (where he remains 15th all-time), but it’s the relatively quiet peak (30th) that hurts him. Evans was ‘only’ an All-Star three times. He ‘only’ had three elite seasons. And he fell off the writers’ ballot after three tries. I think he deserved to win the 1981 AL MVP (he got 3rd), when he tied for the home run title (22) in the strike-shortened season. I also would have given him second in 1982, when he finished 7th. 

The career numbers (385 home runs, 2,446 hits) are good, but not great. Similar to Billy Williams, Tony Perez and Al Kaline. Slightly below average for an inductee. Also, you would think the Gold Gloves would help, but 8 did equally nothing for Jim Edmonds. And 10 ain’t doing much for Andruw Jones. So here we are. Right field is rough. Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron and Stan Musial played right. They bring up all the average numbers at the position. And I could honestly go either way on this one. Which means I’d probably have to vote no. 

Tommy John 

Tommy John played for fucking ever. He was pitching in the Majors at age 46. And only Cap Anson and Nolan Ryan played in more seasons than John (26). And that’s with him taking off the 1975 season to recover from his namesake surgery. He was a compiler, whether you’re impressed by that or not. And with that came 288 career wins (only Roger Clemens and Bobby Mathews - who was from the 1870’s - have more and are not in the Hall) and lands him 21st all-time in career fWAR.  

I should make a note here that fWAR and rWAR differs enough for pitchers that it makes a significant difference in his JAWS ranking. But in plain English, Baseball Reference thinks he was pretty mediocre in terms of Cooperstown worthiness. He’s 85th on JAWS for starting pitchers, which is behind way more non-Hall of Fame pitchers than I care to list. However, 80% of the pitchers with the most similar career stats (Robin Roberts, Bert Blyleven, Fergie Jenkins, Early Wynn, Tom Glavine, Burleigh Grimes, Don Sutton and Eppa Rixey) are in the Hall. That’s not nothing. And his Career Standards (44) would only be slightly below average for a Hall of Fame pitcher. 

And since I prefer fWAR for pitchers, anyway, it’s probably important that John is 30th all-time in JAWS for that non-official ranking. And only behind Roger Clemens, Curt Schilling and Kevin Brown for non-Cooperstown pitchers. He’d be an above average Hall of Fame pitcher by that metric. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. 

John was often the best pitcher on the teams he played on. He was the best on the White Sox in 1968, 1969 and 1970, and the best overall during his tenure there (1965-1971). He was also the best pitcher on the Dodgers in 1976 and 1978 (a pennant year), but second-best overall, after Don Sutton. He was the best pitcher on the Yankees in 1979 and 1980, and second overall to Ron Guidry. He was the best pitcher on the Angels in 1983, third overall after Mike Witt and Geoff Zahn. And he was the best pitcher on the Yankees in 1987, and best overall there from 1986-1989. John only had 3 elite seasons in his long ass career. You could make an argument for him being the best pitcher in the AL in 1979, when he got second in Cy Young voting. His teammate Guidry should have won it, but it went to Mike Flanagan instead. John also got second in Cy Young voting in 1977 (I would have given him 5th).    

Any way you slice it, John seems to be a top 10 pitcher in his era. I don’t love the Wins stat. Or the compilation of WAR stats. Especially with no real greatness on which to hang his hat. And I don’t think the ulnar collateral ligament reconstruction surgery that bears his name is so much an accomplishment for him as it is for Frank Jobe, the surgeon. John played for fucking ever. Which is not nothing. I just don’t think it’s quite enough of a ‘something’ to land him in the Hall.  

Dale Murphy 

There was probably a time in 1983, around the time Murphy won his second consecutive NL MVP Award, that people would have considered him the greatest player in the world. That was before WAR and everything, but still. He had RBI titles and that’s what got everyone horny in the 80’s. Well, that and (I’m assuming) cocaine.  

Murphy was the best player on the Braves a decade before they decided to become a National League dynasty. And he’s one of those guys that advanced stats made look worse. Like, I’m sure nobody wants to hear that Chet Lemon was better than Dale Murphy, but here we are. 

I’d say Murphy had five elite seasons. I would have given him the MVP in 1983, but not 1982 (I would have given that to Mike Schmidt and considered Murphy 5th). And then after a fairly decent peak, his numbers collapsed after 1987. Whoa. I just realized another hot shit Atlanta center fielder, Andruw Jones, kinda had something similar happen after he turned 30. But the end result is that Murphy is 25th on JAWS for center fielders. That’s behind Kenny Lofton, Jones, Jim Edmonds, Willie Davis, Jim Wynn, Vada Pinson, Cesar Cedeno, Chet Fucking Lemon, Johnny Damon and Fred Lynn. And it’s also behind Mike Trout (obviously) and Carlos Beltran. 

In his own career (1976-1993), he’s 28th in overall WAR. That’s not Hall worthy. But he seems like a nice and charitable Mormon man. I heard they can turn it off like a light switch. We all should too.  

Ted Simmons 

Should the top 10 players at every position be in the Hall of Fame? I think so. As it stands now, Simmons is 10th in all-time JAWS as a catcher and is the only one (other than Joe Mauer, who retired in 2018) who isn’t currently enshrined. If we go around every position’s top 10 non-enshrined he’s in a pretty elite company with Bobby Grich (2B), Scott Rolen (3B), Bill Dahlen (SS), Barry Bonds (LF), Pete Rose (LF), Manny Ramirez (LF), Kenny Lofton (CF), Larry Walker (RF), Roger Clemens (SP), six relief pitchers I don’t care about and non-eligible superstars like Mauer, Albert Pujols, Robinson Cano, Adrian Beltre, Alex Rodriguez and Mike Trout. It seems pretty clear to me that Simmons should be in the Hall. 

He was the best player on the Cardinals in 1972, 1973, 1975, 1976, 1977 and 1978 and was the best overall player there during his (1968-1980) tenure. He was also the best catcher in the National League in 1973 and 1977. And he was the best in baseball in 1978. And over his entire career (1968-1988), he was second best overall to Johnny Bench - the greatest catcher of all time - who’s own career (1967-1983) was occurring at the exact same time as Simmons’. 

Maybe he’s a victim of bad timing. Simmons’ contemporaries, besides Bench, include Gary Carter (2nd all-time) and Carlton Fisk (4th). But as Jay Jaffe has pointed out, there were 5 active Hall of Fame catchers in 1929 and every year from 1931-1937. So the fact that 4 Hall of Fame catchers would have played between 1974-1983 would not be weird at all. And we’ll talk about a 5th, Thurman Munson (1969-1979), in just a second.

Simmons’ bad timing also included a playoff drought for St. Louis. Which probably had more to do with trading Steve Carlton than the play of Simmons. I would say he had 4 elite seasons while he was in St. Louis. He has similar career stats to Alan Trammel, Joe Torre, Carlton Fisk, Gary Carter, Barry Larkin, Joe Cronin and Yogi Berra. And the top 10 in similarity scores are rounded out by Lou Whitaker (who I heavily insinuated should be in the Hall a moment earlier) and Miguel Tejada.     

There have been a lot of theories as to why Simmons still isn’t in Cooperstown. There were contract disputes. There was the fact that he was against the Vietnam War and against Nixon. He was seen as a bad defensive catcher, although current metrics show that to be way overblown. He butted heads with Whitey Herzog, who also wound up as a  Veteran’s Committee voter. Which would be even more bad timing. But I think Simmons has mainly been vindicated on all of those things over time. And the timing should finally be right for his induction. 

Thurman Munson 

His career was cut short after a tragic Cessna crash in 1979. Otherwise, who knows? Munson was the best player on the Yankees in 1973 and 1975. And the best overall from 1969-1979. He was the best catcher in the American League in 1970, 1975 and 1976 and the best in baseball in 1973. His 11-year career also includes a Rookie of the Year Award, two World Series rings and an MVP Award in 1976. The Yankees also made him the team’s first captain since Lou Gehrig. And after his death, the Yankees immediately retired his number and never replaced his locker at old Yankee Stadium.   

A short career makes for some sub-par Hall of Fame numbers. And nobody with similar career stats is enshrined in Cooperstown. And that 1976 MVP was a bit of a stretch, even though he was 10th in the AL in fWAR. I would have given him a top 5 finish in 1973, when he finished 12th, but what are you gonna do? 

Even with Munson’s untimely death, he’s still 13th all-time on JAWS for catchers. And he’s 8th in peak (WAR7) for catchers, above average for a Hall of Fame catcher and tied with Buster Posey. Which is extra fun since Munson and Posey both won a Rookie of the Year, an MVP, a Gold Glove, a World Series title, and a College Baseball All-American nod. And they’re the only catchers to do all that.

It might be hard to say yes to Munson without putting Ted Simmons in first. Simmons is two spots higher on JAWS. And over Munson’s career (1969-1979), he’s third in fWAR after Johnny Bench and Simmons. But that peak is still better than Simmons’. And Munson still hit .357 in the postseason. Including a 9-for-17 outburst in a losing effort against Bench and the “Big Red Machine” in 1976. I mean, a Yankees team that won back-to-back titles considered Munson their heart and soul. And they had Catfish Hunter, Goose Gossage, Reggie Jackson and some pretty good years around that time from Willie Randolph, Graig Nettles and Ron Guidry. I could honestly go either way. So why not? But Simmons probably needs to go in first. 

Don Mattingly 

Two of my closest friends consider Mattingly their favorite player of all time. And he’s in one of the greatest "Simpsons" episodes of all time. Oh, and unbeknownst to the writers, he was benched for refusing to trim his mullet in 1991. So there’s that too. But let’s talk about his career.

Donnie Baseball was the face of the New York Yankees when the Yankees were in the longest postseason drought in their post-Babe-Ruth history. They were in the World Series the year before he joined the team. They won the World Series the year after he retired. You could argue that they would have won it all in the strike-shortened season in 1994. But as it stands, Mattingly’s only postseason with the Yankees was that 1995 ALDS against the Seattle Mariners that ended in the bottom of the 11th with a walk-off double (ahem, THE Double) by Edgar Martinez and an elated Ken Griffey Jr. at the bottom of a doggy pile. Mattingly is considered the greatest Yankee to never play in a World Series with the team (probably Rickey Henderson only played 5 seasons in the Bronx) and he’s the only Yankee to have his number retired by the team, without winning at least one ring (Your move, Aaron Judge).

It definitely wasn’t his fault.

Mattingly was the best player on the Yankees in 1984, 1986 and 1987. Henderson was better in ’85, even though that’s somehow the year Mattingly won his MVP (I’d would have given him 4th, after George Brett, Henderson and Wade Boggs). Mattingly SHOULD have won an AL MVP in 1984. And there’s a really good argument for Mattingly winning it in 1986, even though the bozo writers gave it to Roger Clemens (Pitchers have their own awards, guys! And Boggs was on the same team! How are you so stupid???).

Mattingly was also the best American League first baseman from 1984-1987. And probably the best in baseball at first in ’85 and ’86. During Mattingly’s own career (82-95), Eddie Murray was better. And Mark McGwire played in more All-Star Games. But I already know what you’re gonna say about that. Pat yourself on the back for your moral superiority.

Mattingly won 9 Gold Gloves. He was the A.L. MVP in 1985. He won a batting title in 1984. And then he got into a clubhouse wrestling match with Bob Shirley in 1987, injured his back, and wasn’t really the same after that. I guess, it was the same year as Hogan-Andre at WrestleMania III and wrestling was pretty big at the time, but yeah. The Yankees promptly released Shirley, by the way. Mattingly would have moments where he looked like his old self. He was still great, defensively. But the back problems persisted. And Mattingly ended his career after only 14 seasons, when he was 34-years-old.

Mattingly is ranked on JAWS as the 40th-best first baseman of all time. That’s behind first basemen like Rafael Palmeiro, Todd Helton, McGwire, Keith Hernandez, John Olerud, Will Clark, Fred McGriff, Norm Cash, Dolph Camilli, Gil Hodges, and Carlos Delgado. That’s also behind not-yet-eligible first basemen like Albert Pujols, Miguel Cabrera, Joey Votto, Jason Giambi, David Ortiz, Mark Teixeira, and Paul Goldschmidt. He has 222 career home runs, 2,153 hits, and a .307 career average. Of the 10 most-similar batters, only Kirby Puckett is in the Hall of Fame. He would be well below average for a Hall of Fame first baseman. Better than Mark Grace. About half as good as Frank Thomas.

Should Mattingly be in the Hall of Fame? No. Then again, he was better than Harold Baines, so what do I fucking know? But Mattingly spent 15 years on the writers’ ballot. He never got higher than 28.2% of the vote (his first year). His final season only garnered 9.1%. His peak wasn’t high enough. His career wasn’t long enough. And he definitely shouldn’t have played grab ass with Bob Shirley in 1987. The sideburns, however, can stay.

Dave Parker 

They called him “The Cobra”, he used a sledgehammer in the on-deck circle, he wore a Padres helmet AND a Reds helmet in the 1977 All-Star Game… while he was on the Pirates, and he loved cocaine. Boy did he ever, apparently. He was also the best player on the Pirates in 1975, 1977, 1978 and 1979. And then he was the best player on his hometown Reds in 1984 and 1985. I’d also say he was the best right fielder in baseball in ’75, ’77, ’78 and the best in the N.L in ’85. Parker was a seven-time All-Star, he won two batting titles, three Gold Gloves, two World Series rings and received MVP votes in nine different seasons, including winning one in 1978. He was baseball’s first million dollar contract. I think he had five elite seasons. He deserved that ’78 MVP. And I would have given him 2nd in 1975 (he got 3rd), 4th in 1977 (3rd again), 6th in 1979 (10th) and 5th in 1985 (he got 2nd). Parker also got 5th place in 1986, which is stupid. Dude had a 0.7 fWAR, but he also had 116 RBI and you know how stupid these guys were with the RBI. 

It’s possible the cocaine got the best of him. Or the injuries. Or the weight gain. Because it looked like he was well on his way to a Hall of Fame career in the late 70’s, and except for a brief bump (sorry) in 1985, he didn’t do much else after 1979. That leaves Parker as the 5th-best right fielder, even in his own exact timeframe in the Majors (1973-1991, after Dwight Evans, Dave Winfield, Andre Dawson and Reggie Jackson). He would be well below average for a Hall of Fame right fielder. JAWS ranks him as the 39th-best right fielder of all time. That’s behind Larry Walker, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Evans, Reggie Smith, Sammy Sosa, Bobby Bonds, Gary Sheffield, Brian Giles, Jack Clark, Tony Oliva, Rocky Colavito, and Rusty Staub. He’s also behind not-yet-eligible players like Ichiro Suzuki, Bobby Abreu, and Mookie Betts. He was better than Darryl Strawberry. Miles behind Tony Gwynn.    

With over 2,700 hits and 339 home runs in 19 seasons, Parker does have similar career stats to Tony Perez, Billy Williams, Harold Baines and Andre Dawson. Not quite inner-circle guys. And Parker never got more than 24% of the vote from the writers. And I think he’s relegated to the Hall of Very Good. But he’s not a Hall of Famer. 

Steve Garvey 

They called him Mr. Clean, even though he totally wasn’t. He has some, uh, ugly relationships with women. A weird fact that dashed all of his hopes to become a Republican Congressman later in life. I think a lot of Garvey’s popularity and fame during his career had to do with his looks. He was never the best player on the Dodgers. And during his tenure there (1969-1982), he was second to Ron Cey in overall fWAR. And while he was the best first baseman in the National League in 1975, 1976 and 1978, he was only 7th-best over the 15 years he played first base (1973-1987) after Keith Hernandez, Darrell Evans, Rod Carew, Eddue Murray, Gene Tenace and Pete Rose. JAWS ranks him as the 51st-greatest first baseman of all time, behind too many non-Hall players than I care to type. His career numbers are similar to Orlando Cepeda (#33), but they look more like those of John Olerud (#22), Will Clark (#26) and Mark Grace (#41). Even though all of those players were better.  

The AON Center in Chicago is 83 floors and 1,136 feet high. And at the time I worked there, it was the second-tallest building in the city. From the 70th floor, where I worked, the views were just asinine. The cars on Michigan Avenue looked like ants. The people down on Randolph Street were specks of dust. I could look OUT at the endless lake and basically feel fine, but looking straight DOWN made me feel queasy and I never, ever got used to it.

We were up so high, in fact, that they let our chain-smoking secretaries and storeroom guys just light up on the 70th floor. They got grandfathered or grandmothered in to indoor smoking in some designated areas, which was far more time-efficient than making them take elevators all the way down, head outside and then back through security twenty five times a day. This was 15 years ago in Chicago, mind you, so good luck telling some middle-aged woman from like, Berwyn that she has to either give up her Virginia Slims or brave the frigid winter air just off the lake. 

The amazing thing was, sometimes I would see these ladies at the elevators as everyone was heading down for lunch. And occasionally one or two would stay behind and say they were gonna take the stairs. I remember just thinking, “Good for them.” Sometimes I’d even say it out loud and people would nod in agreement. It WAS good for them. And I never actually considered what that would entail or how impressive a feat that was for these women - most likely actual grandmothers, whose ages were impossible for a kid straight out of college to ascertain - to head down all those stairs. They looked 99% like Allison Janney in “I, Tonya” and zero percent like health nuts. But since nobody else reacted with shock and horror to them doing this, my brain never questioned that these frail, hacking, wheezing old women took the stairs all the way down to the lobby for their lunch. I’d never experienced it myself, so who was I to judge?     

Not long after I started my entry-level job there at the AON Center, I got promoted and sent to training on the 71st floor. Whereas the atmosphere on 70 was fun and lively and filled with the cubicles of a hundred other kids straight out of Big Ten schools just like me, the 71st floor felt like cruel and unusual punishment by comparison. They treated training like we were Navy Seals. Pages of memorization and testing. Rigidly enforced time management. Strictly suit and tie attire. Zero breaks. At one point I was admonished in front of my class for needing a haircut. For fucking phone sales. I had four trainers and hated three of them. I thought I was going to quit. They thought I was going to quit. So from time to time, I’d get called back down to 70 by one of the managers there to give me a ‘stick with it’ pep talk. And more often than not, I’d just sneak down there anyway to see my friends from that floor and to vent. I just hated it.  

When I got caught sneaking off in the elevator, I’d lie, feign embarrassment, and say I had to poop and preferred the bathrooms on 70. When that stopped working (since absolutely nobody preferred the bathrooms on 70), I figured out a stairwell I could use with my security badge and figured they’d be none the wiser. They quickly got ‘the wiser’. And each time, I’d be publicly scolded, I’d be punished and I’d make my own shitty situation even worse. That is, I guess, except for the last time I got caught.

On this particular day, probably in the winter of 2004, as I headed down the stairwell the door from 71 seemed to close behind me in slow motion. “Oh FUCK,” was all I could blurt out. In my haste to sneak away from training, I’d completely forgotten my security badge and was now trapped between the 70th and 71st floors of the building. I tried banging on the door to 71 to no avail. And then tried and failed again on 70. As I stood there for few beats in a dead panic, wearing the suit my mom bought me for my sister’s wedding, I remembered the chain-smoking Allison Janneys from the 70th floor and decided since I had no time to spare, I might as well do what they would do and walk all the way down to the lobby and head back up in the elevator. I was young. I didn’t look like I was about to die. So surely this had to be the best plan, as well as the fastest way to do it. In no time, I’d be back in training and in the clear. 

This is one of the worst ideas I’ve ever had.  

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever walked down 71 industrial flights of stairs, but a few bad things start happening to you. First of all, your ‘going down the stairs’ leg muscles have had no real-world experience for this and they become completely useless within minutes. You’re mostly just jelly-legging it and by the end, your body has produced all new completely useless muscles just to provide you with a deeply-felt agony. It’ll be the only thing you feel below your waist. Your legs are garbage. You truly have no way of knowing this until you actually do something so stupid. 

The second bad thing that happens, is that you start to get dizzy. And like, dizzier than you can ever possibly imagine. Picture yourself going down four flights of stairs in a parking garage. You are on those stairs for such a short amount of time that you don’t even realize you’re basically just walking downhill in a circle. If you go down 71 FLIGHTS of stairs, it’s like a never-ending baseball-bat-on-the-forehead spin race. Except this time, your legs are also deteriorating at a rapid rate. So your ever-increasing stumbles send you careening off of brick walls and iron railings. The clangs of your shitty Kenneth Cole dress shoes echoing off 1000+ feet of metal and concrete is all you hear while your eyes completely glaze over and the most elemental, lizard part of your brain, which is all that’s left, keeps urging you to push on downward. And downward. And down.  

The final piece of advice I’d give you if you are to decide to take the plunge down 71 flights of stairs is to not wear the suit your mom bought you for your sister’s wedding. But in this particular instance, it probably ended up being my only saving grace. But I’ll get to all that in a second.

Eventually I made it all the way down to the lobby. And I’d never been so happy to see that lobby in my life. That lobby usually meant I was heading to work before 8 AM. Or back from lunch. Either way, I hated that lobby. But this time I could have kissed the floor like Jordan when he said goodbye to Chicago Stadium in ‘94. Except I felt a lot more like Jordan in the “Flu Game” during the ’97 Finals. Everything felt like it was moving and spinning. Like when you get off a treadmill and your body takes 30 seconds to decide you’re no longer on it, but multiplied by 71. My legs had broken all the way down into full ‘goofball’ mode. And I dipped and bobbed erratically around the lobby as my mind tried to aim my body at the elevators. 

I knew I was fucked. I’m not sure exactly how long this endeavor had taken. But I’m guessing it took a second per stair, 20 stairs to a floor… not factoring rest time, at least 24 minutes.  Possibly much, much longer. I don’t know. By the end of it, my brain was broken and time no longer existed. But now, as the elevator headed back up to where I started, I was preparing for the worst. And here’s where my suit came in handy.  

Suits, by large, are not ideal workout clothes. And so unbeknownst to me, in the haze of my Great Struggle to the Bottom, I’d also managed to drench myself in sweat from head to toe. I looked like a drunken Ted Kennedy emerging from the pond at Chappaquiddick, ready to tell his side of the story. AND My trainers were waiting for me, arms-crossed-negative and ready to do their worst. 

When they saw me, all sloshy-shoed with my knees buckling and my suit sweated all the way through, their faces changed. We all just looked at each other. Then one of them asked, “What the hell happened to YOU?” 

And I just came out with it. All of it. I told them the truth. 

Then we looked at each other some more. 

And they. Just. Started. Fucking. Dying. 

Like, I’m just standing there, wobbly, preparing to be shit-canned. And they are doubled over, slapping their legs and pointing at me. This lasted for a while, until one of them started picturing the logistics of everything I’d just done and goes, “Why didn’t you just use one of the emergency call boxes??? They’re every five floors. Why would you POSSIBLY think to go all the way down 71 flights of stairs???” 

And so I brought up the chain-smoking ladies. “I don’t know. I thought if they can do it, so can I.”  

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!?!?”

“I heard them say they walk down for lunch. Right?”

“WHAT?!? DUDE! NO!!! WHAT??? MIKE! Their offices are on 68! They just smoke on 70! They only walk from 70 to 68!”  

And then, “Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you thought… (Deep breath) AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (Deep howling breath) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”

Now they’re on the ground. Two trainers. Slowly crumbling into a pile of mocking laughter. While I stood there half feeling like I’d just done the dumbest thing I’d ever done in my life. Half wondering if I might have just gotten away with a fireable offense. It’s a crazy feeling. Plus, you know, the way I actually FELT physically.  

Within minutes, everyone knew. Everyone. And I’m talking about 3 entire floors of people in the AON Center. “Did you hear about that kid in training?” “Yeah. Holy shit! What a fucking idiot!” I was all the rage in my office for the rest of the week. And they fucking LOVED me for it. I had zero problems with my trainers for the remainder of my time in training. Morale had never been higher. I eventually headed back down to 70, graduating from bootcamp with slaps on the back, almost like some sort of celebrated mascot for the worst human being any of them had ever experienced. Years later, this time in an office out by O’Hare, I found out they still told that story downtown in training. I had become this legendary example of what NOT to do. And I’d get a “That was YOU???,” reaction every time I fessed up to my crimes of stupidity. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about Brody. I’ve had so many conversations about him over the weekend with comics and a few things have really struck me. This is long, but I just wanted to try to say a few things. Okay. Besides being universally beloved and respected, it’s actually kind of incredible just how many different scenes he was a part of. I don’t know of too many comics who are regulars at The Comedy Store the alt-rooms, and everywhere else in between. I feel like stand-up actually has multiple genres. And maybe it didn’t hurt that he was absolutely a genre all his own. 

I’ve also been struck by the outpouring of positivity (positive push!) and kind words from comics of many walks of life. A lot of people had great stories. Read John Roy’s thread on Twitter if you haven’t already. Jonah has posted some great things too. I’ll stop listing people. But in times of tragedy or loss, it is always good for me to remember that we’re a community and a family of sorts. And I thank you all for that. So I guess I just wanted to share two quick Brody stories. One about the first time I ever saw him perform. And the second about the last two times I saw him. There are much better Brody stories out there. But I just wanted to share mine.  

The first time I saw Brody perform was in 2007 in Las Vegas. I’d just moved to L.A. and was in Vegas for an HBO festival. And everyone from my show was supposed to meet in a ballroom at Caesar’s for a sound check. Most of us just walked out and went through the motions until they told us we were good to go. When it was Brody’s turn, I watched from the back as he took the mic, climbed down from the stage and launched into his full-Brody routine, stalking back and forth in the sparsely-attended seats and mostly shout-complaining about not getting asked to do the Aspen festival. If you knew Brody, you can picture it. But I remember thinking, “Who IS this guy?” This was just a sound check. I thought he was settling scores or something. Eventually someone said, “You don’t have to like, do your act. We just want to walk through the beats.” And it felt like it was about to be a confrontation. But he just smiled really big and walked off. At a moment I was feeling incredibly nervous for my own performance, I felt like I’d just seen the most confident person in the world. And I remember thinking I needed to be more like him. Be more like Brody Stevens. Ha! That was my genius advice to myself in my twenties, not knowing just how impossible that statement even was. 

(The first photo is from the actual show that night.)  

The last two times I saw Brody perform where at Howard’s SquatMelt show last year. I took a photo while he performed at one of them because he was making me laugh so hard. After his sets, we talked about the Cubs. He was excited to tell me about his connections to the team. And yeah, I loved that he loved the Cubs. But mostly I think about the last set I saw him do. I posted about it that night. He just crushed. The show was outside. A woman walked by and asked what was going on. Brody goes, “Oh this? It’s a Proud Boys meet up. We’re headed to the Griffin.” That was the biggest laugh of the night. And then he yells, “I read the Internet!” Over the laughter. Just the perfect person to be ‘onstage’ if someone were to walk past and shout something. I couldn’t believe he just had that immediately prepared in his head. But the part that I always laughed to myself about afterwards, especially now, is when a hippie-looking couple wondered up. Brody paused whatever he was doing, looked at them for a few beats and goes, “You from Australia?” They were so confused. The guy said, “The U.K.” And Brody put his arms up and yelled, “NAILED IT.” I don’t know why, but that’s always made me laugh so hard. I’ll just be in my kitchen laughing about it for no reason. And I know anyone who’s seen him or knew him would laugh or at least smile at those stories, while the average person might shrug or not understand. Good. You don’t need to be part of the club.    

Since I’ve already gotten multiple text messages about last night’s Veterans Committee vote, here’s how you should feel about it. 

Lee Smith

You can analyze his stats all you want, you’ll just end up scratching your head. Don’t waste your time. Lee Smith got elected because he’s 3rd all-time in saves after Mariano Rivera and Trevor Hoffman. And he was the all-time leader from 1993-2006. Hoffman broke his record. Rivera broke Hoffman’s record. That’s basically it. Everyone just decided at some point that Rivera and Hoffman are baseball gods. So therefore, Smith has to get put into that same conversation by default. Because saves. All saves. Nothing but saves.   

Smith was a failed starter who got moved to the bullpen in the minors. He started a handful of games early on in Chicago (where he also homered off of Phil Niekro). But he couldn’t cut it and he had to get moved to the pen. That’s the story with all relief pitchers. If they could go 7 innings, they would. Smith could not. His career WAR, his JAWS, his ERA+, all that stuff don’t make much sense in any applicable Hall of Fame pitching context. Smith’s postseason is also really bad in its tiny sample size. But remember, we’re only focusing on saves. Just saves. I already told you we only care about saves.   

For what it’s worth, Smith was probably the best National League relief pitcher of the 80’s. And he finished in the top 5 in Cy Young balloting three times. But if I’m John Franco or Francisco Rodriguez, I have to be rooting for this Lee Smith induction harder than anyone else. Because they also have saves. And like I’ve been trying to tell you, the only thing this is about is saves. 

Lee Smith is in the Hall of Fame. Mike Mussina is not. The save stat is stupid. We’ve already talked about it. Let’s move on.  

Harold Baines

Yikes. At first glance, this one probably makes even less sense to me than the Smith choice. The advanced stats on Baines are pretty horrible. I think he finished in the top 30 in the American League in WAR one time. He was the 9th-best right fielder in baseball during his time there (1980-1987) and the 8th-best DH from 1988-2001. JAWS ranks him as the 74th-best right fielder of all time. That’s behind Jason Heyward, Shin-Soo Choo and Nelson Cruz.    

All that being said, the White Sox organization loves him. He was the best player on the team in 1984 and 1986. He was the second-best player on the team after Carlton Fisk during his first tenure there. It’s not impressive to me at all, but they still retired his number in 1989, while he was still active and would play for another 12 seasons, returning to the club two more times. There’s also a bronze statue of Baines at their stadium. All of that is after a 24.5 total WAR with the club. Which is 13th all-time among White Sox position players. To put that into perspective, that’s about what Anthony Rizzo has already done with the Cubs (25.8) in half the time. And Kris Bryant already has a 23.1 WAR with the Cubs in just four seasons. Advanced stats hate Harold Baines. The White Sox do not.  

There are a couple historical items of interest with Baines. He was drafted first overall in 1977. Ahead of Paul Molitor, Ozzie Smith and Tim Raines. And he was infamously traded to the Rangers for Sammy Sosa in 1989. But none of this is the real reason Baines got elected. 

Baines can basically be viewed through the lens of a compilation of counting stats over a long 22-year career. It wasn’t necessarily pretty in terms of all-around play, but Baines did manage to collect 384 career home runs, 2,866 hits and 1,628 RBI. On paper that looks like Tony Perez, Al Kaline, Billy Williams and Andre Dawson. 2,800 hits probably gets him in on its own. Of all eligible players, only Pete Rose (who I guess I’ll include in that category), Rafael Palmeiro, Barry Bonds and Omar Vizquel have collected 2,800 hits without getting elected into the Hall of Fame. And Vizquel is the only one of those players without other glaring issues preventing his election. Baines’ RBI total is 34th all-time so its a similar story there too. So while Baines might have been mediocre. He was mediocre for a really, really long time. Which winds up getting you something extraordinary. I guess.  

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas is fine. But it’s also time for me to argue with everyone about who should get into baseball Hall of Fame. I did this last year and two of my friends essentially called me a coward for avoiding the Barry Bonds/Roger Clemens issue altogether. Fine. I’m going to open with them this year. And you might not like what I say about it. This year, I went off of Jay Jaffe’s JAWS ranking. I also used Bill James’ ‘Keltner List’ as a guide, I referenced Jaffe’s Cooperstown Casebook because I am a fucking dork, and the stats come from Baseball Reference and FanGraphs. Actually, whenever I’m looking at Baseball Reference or Fan Graphs, my wife laughs at me and tells me I’m looking at porn. Like what you like, everyone. Oh, and I also skimmed everyone’s Wikipedia pages to see if I forgot anything. Okay. With that self-deprecation and basement-level nerdy-ness out of the way, let’s get started. I’ll follow the BBWAA rules and only pick 10.     

Barry Bonds 

I’m so sick of having this argument. Aren’t you? Barry Bonds might be the single greatest baseball player of all time. His 164.4 career WAR is second only to Babe Ruth, who played in a pre-integrated era when the pitchers were trolly hobos and nobody ever went west of St. Louis. Bonds’ (alleged, but let’s not kid ourselves) steroid era numbers would look like typos, even in a video game. Just for fun, look at his age 42 season in 2007. His OPS+ was 169, which is basically what Christian Yelich and JD Martinez did this year. Then nobody signed Bonds in 2008, even though he offered to play for the league minimum. Riiiiight. 

Here’s another fun fact, if Bonds had retired after the 1998 season (before… you know) he’d still have 3 MVP awards, over 400 career home runs and a JAWS ranking (an average of career bWAR and a player’s 7 best WAR seasons) that would make him the 3rd-greatest left fielder of all-time after Ted Williams and Rickey Henderson. Sometimes steroids turned nobody’s into superstars. Sometimes the guy who was already the best player in baseball gets pissed about the attention those lesser players are getting, decides to take steroids himself to spite everyone and turns into an unstoppable monster person that makes a multi-billion dollar league have to (allegedly, but let’s not kid ourselves) collude so that he doesn’t Hulk-smash every hitting record in Major League history they’d ever come up with. 

I guess I don’t understand who his election would be hurting - the fans for making us all look like idiots? We should be over that by now. And we’re probably better for it. Joe Morgan? Who gives a shit? Unless someone could give me indisputable proof that both Willie Mays and Hank Aaron were against Bonds’ induction, then I don’t want to hear it. And Mays just gave an endorsement speech at Bonds’ number retiring ceremony in San Francisco back in August, so that kind of settles that. If you’re bent out of shape about steroids, elect the skinny guy from the Pirates and the Candlestick Park Giants. Because that guy still deserves to get in. Pretend he’s the guy on the plaque. Put an asterisk on it. Put 762 asterisks on it. I don’t care. It’s 2018. Bonds’ lack of inclusion in Cooperstown draws more attention to the steroid era than anything else in the minds of fans. You should have spoken up in 1998 if you’re still gonna throw a shit-fit 20 years after the fact. And maybe that was the entirety of Bonds’ point the whole goddamn time. Free Barry Bonds. 

YES (1/10)      

Roger Clemens

Am I going to make the same argument for Clemens, who is the all-time leader in pitchers’ WAR? Yeah, but it’s honestly not as fun. He’s a pitcher. And I think about Bonds more than I think about Clemens because the Rocket didn’t break any sanctified records from the annals of baseball history. He didn’t win 512 games. He didn’t strike out 5,715 batters. He just won 7 Cy Young Awards, 7 ERA titles, 5 strikeout titles and won 354 career games. He gets lumped in with Bonds because they were both too good at taking steroids. I mean, there is the fact that Clemens has two 20 strikeout games. He also has the greatest postseason pitching performance of all time. Nobody really talks about that, but it’s true. Go look at Game 4 of the 2000 ALCS against the Seattle. 9 innings pitched. 1 hit. 2 walks. No runs. 15 K’s. 98 GameScore. With Alex Rodriguez, Edgar Martinez and John Olerud on those Mariners. But these are the type of things we can celebrate when we just get over ourselves. He was the greatest pitcher of all time. Free Roger Clemens.      

YES (2/10)

Curt Schilling

Boy, these first three make this a lot less fun. To be completely honest, that’s a Cooperstown speech everyone can do without. Schilling is a fucking asshole. But he’s the 5th-best pitcher of his own era, behind Clemens, Greg Maddux, Randy Johnson and Pedro Martinez. JAWS ranks him as the 27th-greatest pitcher of all-time. His strikeout-to-walk ratio is the best ever, except for Tommy Bond (who pitched from 1874-1884) and current stars like Chris Sale, Corey Kluber and Stephen Strasburg who haven’t pitched half as long. On top of that, Schilling and his bloody sock are the greatest postseason pitcher of his generation. If the sportswriters want to keep him out because of his disgusting anti-journalist, far right posts on social media, that’s their right. As a human being, he’s pure trash. As a player, he’s in. 

YUCK. BUT YES (3/10) 

Mike Mussina

Okay, our first good person. I think. What’s hurting Mussina’s candidacy is a lack of marquee accomplishments (Cy Youngs, 300 wins, World Series rings), but he did finish in the top 5 in Cy Young balloting six different times. And he absolutely should have won it in 2001. Mussina has similar career numbers to Juan Marichal, Jim Palmer and Carl Hubbell (as well as Curt Schilling). He’s the 28th-best pitcher of all time, according to JAWS (behind Roger Clemens, Jim McCormick and Schilling). And I’d say for his own playing era (1991-2008), he’s the 5th-best pitcher behind Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux, Clemens and Pedro Martinez. He even won seven Gold Gloves as a pitcher. Yes, his 3.68 ERA is a little high. But he played in the AL East during the steroid ERA (123 ERA+), so he actually had top 5 finishes 7 times and top 10 finishes 4 other seasons. 

In Mussina’s final season in 2008, he won 20 games for the first time in his career. Three other pitchers have won 20 or more games in their final season. One was Sandy Koufax, whose arm fell off after 1966. The other two were on the Black Sox.   

YES (4/10)

Larry Walker

Walker was the best right fielder in baseball during his career. He’s the 10th-best right fielder of all time, according to JAWS. And he’s the best right fielder still not in the Hall. During his own career, Walker is the 5th-highest in WAR after Barry Bonds, Ken Griffey Jr., Jeff Bagwell and Alex Rodriguez. His career stats (383 HR. 2160 H. .313 AVG) are similar to Duke Snider, Joe DiMaggio, Johnny Mize, Chuck Klein and Vladimir Guerrero. He won 3 batting titles. And he won the N.L. MVP in 1997. 

The arguments against Walker are probably the home-road splits in the thin air of Denver (more on this later) and a relatively injury-shortened career. I guess the best answer to the Coors Field question is Walker’s 141 OPS+, which adjusts for ballpark and era, and that lands him as the 8th-best right fielder of all time. He was also a five-tool player with seven Gold Gloves and was also considered an exceptional baserunner. So he didn’t hit .381 with a 1.172 OPS on the road. If he did we wouldn’t even be having this debate, we’d be naming the fucking Hall of Fame after him.

YES (5/10) 

Roy Halladay

I’m curious to see how Halladay’s recent death affects his vote in his first year of eligibility. Especially since I’d place him behind Clemens, Schilling and Mussina due to his JAWS ranking. But Halladay also might have the benefit of sticking out more in his own era, where he was the second-best pitcher over that time period (1998-2013) after Randy Johnson (who retired in 2009, Jesus Christ).

Halladay was the best pitcher on the Blue Jays in 2002 and 2003, as well as from 2006-2009. And he was the ace of the Phillies in 2010 and 2011. He was probably the 3rd-best American League pitcher (1998-2009) after Mussina and Pedro Martinez during his time there. But I’d give him the best overall AL pitcher in 2008. He was 5th overall in the National League from 2010-2013, although he was probably the best in the league in 2010 and 2011. And I’d say he was the best pitcher in baseball in 2011. 

Halladay won Cy Young Awards in both leagues (2003 and 2010). Which also gives him an edge on Schilling and Mussina, who never won the award. His career stats (203 wins, 3.38 ERA, 131 ERA+) aren’t that comparable to other Hall of Fame pitchers, other than Dazzy Vance. But they do look a lot like those of Justin Verlander and Zack Greinke, who I think will get a lot of backing. 

The thing that might put a semi-borderline career over the top is the fact that Halladay threw a no-hitter in the first postseason start of his career in 2010 (94 GameScore - tied for the 5th-greatest postseason game ever). It was the first postseason no-no Since Don Larsen’s perfect game in 1956 (which also had a 94 GameScore). And that was on top of a perfect game Halladay had thrown earlier in the season (98 GameScore, since we’re doing this). All of which made him the first pitcher since Nolan Ryan in 1973 to throw two no hitters in a season.

Halladay has a Hall of Fame peak. And since everyone seems to consider Clayton Kershaw to be a no-brainer 1st ballot Hall of Fame pitcher, I’d like to point out that Halladay’s WAR7 is slightly higher than Kershaw’s. And they almost have identical career WARs through Kershaw’s age-30 season. During his prime (2002-2011), Halladay was by far the best pitcher in baseball. And as the best pitcher of his generation, I think he should get in. 

YES (6/10)

Scott Rolen

I had a real hard time with Rolen last year. The knock against him is that he was only the best player on his own team a few times, he was only the best third baseman a couple of times. His career offensive numbers are good, but not great. And he was never really an MVP candidate. He looks more like a Matt Holliday/Paul O’Neil type in the career numbers than he did the very best third basemen of his era, Alex Rodriguez and Chipper Jones.

On the flip side of that, Rolen is also one of the 3-5 best defensive third basemen of all time. So combined with his good offensive numbers, his career WAR and his peak WAR say he’s a Hall of Famer. JAWS ranks him as the 10th-greatest third baseman of all time, ahead of Edgar Martinez (who is majorly docked by WAR formulas because he DH’d). And his 56.9 JAWS puts him in the range of Jim Thome, Miguel Cabrera, Ryne Sandberg, Chase Utley, Jackie Robinson, Paul Molitor, Barry Larkin, Derek Jeter, Alan Trammell, Carlos Beltran and Shoeless Joe Jackson. It’s not sexy, but he deserves to get in.  

YES (7/10) 

Edgar Martinez

Don’t get me started about how fucking stupid it is that everyone considers Mariano Rivera a no-brainer, 1st ballot guy and then dismiss Edgar for 10 years because he was a DH. Even with Ken Griffey Jr. and Alex Rodriguez on his team, Martinez led the Mariners in WAR four different times. And I already told you he got docked by the WAR formula for not playing in the field. That’s nuts. He won two batting titles. I would have given him the AL MVP in 1995. Major League Baseball’s DH award is named after him. He’s above Hall of Fame standards for JAWS at third base. He has a higher OPS+ and JAWS number than David Ortiz, who everyone declared the greatest DH of all time a few seasons ago. Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson and (yes) Mariano Rivera have all said he was the toughest batter they ever faced. And his ALDS performance against the Yankees in 1995, including “The Double”- one of the most famous base hits of all time - was arguably the catalyst to funding Safeco Field and/or possibly saving baseball in the city of Seattle. And he did all that with some kind of crazy depth perception disorder and he didn’t even play his first full season until he was 27. He’ll probably get in this year, but I just wanted to shame the voters for making him wait this long. 

YES (8/10)        

Manny Ramirez

If you’re a stats-only voter, the answer is yes. He was an historically amazeballs hitter and he was pretty much horrible at everything else. I stop my consideration at the two PED suspensions. That’s enough for me to shuffle him to the bottom of the deck and see if there’s two more players who are worthy that didn’t get caught with female fertility drugs, or whatever.  

Andruw Jones

He’s the greatest defensive center fielder of all time and has 10 consecutive Gold Gloves to show for it. While still managing to hit 434 career home runs, including a home run and RBI crown in 2005. During that long Braves run of postseasons, Andruw Jones actually edges out Chipper Jones in WAR while they were both on the roster (1996-2007). And JAWS ranks him as the 11th-greatest center fielder of all time, but three wins below Hall of Fame standards, although he did have a Hall of Fame peak. So why am I on the fence?   

Jones was hitting home runs in the World Series at 19. He was considered fat, washed-up and lazy by the time he was 30. That’s not really helping his cause. And while 10 Gold Gloves is amazing, Keith Hernandez and Omar Vizquel both have 11 and they’re not in the Hall of Fame either. The .254 batting average and sub-2,000 hits (1,933) are probably hurting him more than anything. But all of that would be moot if he hadn’t pulled a Reverse Koufax and turned into a pumpkin after his 30th birthday.     

When you add up the offensive numbers, the most similar players are Dale Murphy, Jose Canseco, Joe Carter and Jim Edmonds. That’s as iffy as it gets. But the JAWS total (54.7) puts him in the range of Pudge Rodriguez, Willie McCovey, Roberto Alomar, Tim Raines and Tony Gwynn. I’m gonna have to plug my ears, close my eyes and say, “10 Gold Gloves, 400 home runs, best position player on the Braves Dynasty,” and call it a day. 

YES (9/10)  

Todd Helton

No one who has ever played for the Rockies is in the Hall of Fame. None. Not Larry Walker. Not Andres Galarraga. Not Dante Bichette. Not Ellis Burks. Nobody. That’s weird, right? The franchise has been around for 25 years, but home/road splits and the city’s thin air means that the great American city of Denver is where Hall of Fame careers go to die.

Walker’s career splits (381/462/710 in Denver vs. 282/372/501 on the road) might be slightly more severe than Todd Helton’s (345/441/607 at home vs. 287/386/469 on the road), but Walker played the entirety of his 17-year career with the Rox. So nobody in the history of baseball has had better home conditions throughout their career than Helton. So when we look at Helton’s accomplishments, all of that has to be taken into heavy consideration. 

Helton won 3 Gold Gloves, he won a batting title (and a slash line Triple Crown) in 2000. I actually think he should have on the N.L. MVP that year. He was the best player on the Rockies every year from 1998-2003. He’s also the best player in their franchise history. He was the best first baseman in baseball in 2000, 2001 and 2002. But for his career era, he falls to third behind Albert Pujols and Miguel Cabrera. Helton wasn’t a serious MVP candidate, other than 2000. He only played in two postseasons. And his 133 OPS+ would only rank him #50 all-time out of first basemen.   

Let me pause here and say again just how weird it is that not one Hall of Fame player has ever played for the Rockies. Figuring that out bothered me so much that I decided to look to see where all the Hall of Famers who played between 1993 and 2012 (the first year of eligibility last year) played, and every single franchise except for the Rockies and the Pirates have had Hall of Famers grace their diamonds during that period. That’s not weird to you? Even the Rays had Wade Boggs. The Nationals had Pudge Rodriguez. The Royals had George Brett in his final season. The Giants had Randy Johnson in his final season… which combined with the Pirates omission should be another reason to induct Bonds. But obviously there are Pirates in the Hall of Fame. Fathers and grandfathers can bring their kids to Cooperstown and tell them stories about Willie Stargell or Roberto Clemente. Honus Wagner is displayed prominently as a member fo the First Class in 1936. People from Colorado have to go there, point to the plaques of Goose Gossage and probably Roy Halladay and say, “It’s a good thing they left town, son.” 

Helton is the 15th-greatest 1st baseman of all time. His peak is 10th all-time, ahead of several Hall of Fame first basemen. His career stats are similar to Jeff Bagwell, Miguel Cabrera, Edgar Martinez, Vladimir Guerrero, Walker, Jim Rice and Fred McGriff.  And if you don’t put Walker and/or Helton in, you’re either saying that no Rockies can ever be in the Hall of Fame, or you’re saying that you either want these guys to suck at home or be Babe Ruth/Ted Williams/Lou Gehrig/Barry Bonds/Jimmie Foxx on the road. Free the Rockies.   

YES (10/10)

Well. That’s 10. My apologies to Manny Ramirez, Sammy Sosa, Gary Sheffield, Andy Pettitte, Lance Berkman, Jeff Kent, Roy Oswalt, Fred McGriff, Mariano Rivera, Miguel Tejada, Placido Polanco, Omar Vizquel, Kevin Youkilis, Derek Lowe, Freddy Garcia, Vernon Wells, Ted Lily, Travis Hafner, Jason Bay, Billy Wagner, Michael Young, Jon Garland, Darren Oliver, Juan Pierre and Rick Ankiel. 

I’ve defended Sammy Sosa here. I’ve bashed Mariano Rivera here. I think the 10-maximum rule is stupid, since I would have voted for more than 10 players on this year’s ballot. Including Fred McGriff on his final ballot. But I had to prioritize somehow and I went with JAWS. 

NL MVP: Christian Yelich, Milwaukee Brewers.

Okay, let’s just rip the Band-Aid right off. I never thought this was much of a race. Yelich led the National League in WAR, wOBA and wRC+. He won the N.L. batting title and he was two homers away from winning the Triple Crown, if you like those sorts of stats instead. And (*cringes while typing*) he was the best player on the best team in the league. 

So let’s talk about Javy Baez. I’m not one of those people that demands his own team’s star is the best, no matter what the stats say. I’m also the type of person who think you need to pick your criteria for what an MVP should be and stick to it. Javy Baez finished 5th in the league in WAR. And he only finished in the top 15 in my other favorite offensive categories. I’m not an RBI Guy, even though winning the RBI title means you must be pretty good. However, Baez is easily the most exciting player in baseball. And there’s no stat for that. There’s no stat for “Somehow Makes Tagging Look Cool” and “When He’s On The Bases, He Makes People Fuck Up”. But both of those things are true. There is no stat for what Javy Baez does. So no matter how perfect these advanced stats get or how much I’d love to be able to point to a player’s WAR and drop a mic, you still need to (*gasp*) watch these games and let your eyeballs speak for themselves. Which probably means I’ve softened on my hardline anti-Yadier Molina stance I’ve kept over the years because Cardinals fans (who are still homers) are saying the same things about Yadi as I’m saying about Javy. Which is super gross. But that’s something I’ll have to come to grips with over the offseason. Along with that Cubs Wild Card (which hasn’t happened yet as I write this). 

Javy is best for business. But Yelich’s numbers speak for themselves. Is that proper grammar? Sorry, Game 163 has be grumpy.         

Honorable Mention: Anthony Rendon, Nationals (Seriously, nobody is talking about his season?), Paul Goldschmidt, Diamondbacks, Nolan Arenado, Rockies (even if you take Coors Field’s advantage out of the equation), Freddie Freeman, Braves, Matt Carpenter, Cardinals.  

AL MVP: Mookie Betts, Boston Red Sox. 

I almost get angry any time anyone in the American League other than Mike Trout gets mentioned for MVP. But Betts actually does have the stats to live up to the hype he’s gotten for being the best player on the best team, with all the East Coast media bias and an A.L. batting title. He was the best player in baseball this year. And while Trout’s mediocre Angels keep missing the postseason (probably the worst thing to happen to baseball since the steroid era), Betts is the next best hope at becoming the face of baseball.    

Honorable Mention: Trout, Alex Bregman, Astros, Jose Ramirez, Indians, JD Martinez, Red Sox, Matt Chapman, Athletics.

NL Cy Young: Jacob deGrom, New York Mets.

He led the league in WAR, FIP and ERA. So maybe in an era of bullpenning, openers and initial-out-getters, we can finally put the Win stat to bed. deGrom should win this thing hands down.   

Honorable Mention: Max Scherzer, Nationals, Aaron Nola, Phillies, Patrick Corbin, Diamondbacks, Miles Mikolas, Cardinals, Kyle Freeland, Rockies, Mike Foltynewicz, Braves, Jameson Taillon, Pirates. Jesus, that means Freeland is the best N.L. pitcher in the postseason. Ugh.  

AL Cy Young: Trevor Bauer, Cleveland Indians. 

Nobody has made fun of Drone Finger more than me. I still think he’s a weirdo. And I know that if Chris Sale had pitched 40 more innings this year, it would be his award in a landslide. But I was wrong about Bauer. He has a better FIP and ERA than Justin Verlander and Gerrit Cole with essentially the same WAR in 25 fewer innings due to a broken leg. And he’s been the best pitcher on a Cleveland staff that has three other legitimate Cy Young candidates. I’ll honestly take the Indians over the Astros in a five-game series. All Hail King Drone Finger. 

Honorable Mention: Verlander, Cole, Blake Snell, Rays, Corey Kluber, Indians, Carlos Carrasco, Indians, Luis Severino, Yankees, Mike Clevinger, Indians. Snell seems to be the trendy choice because he led the league in Wins and ERA. But I still see him as 7th in WAR and 5th in FIP. He had a .241 BABIP, which is almost impossible. So yeah, I see a guy who got great results, but relied a lot on his defense. All Hail King Drone Finger.  

NL Rookie of the Year: Juan Soto, Washington Nationals.    

Soto is 19-years-old. He was born in October, 1998. I was a freshman in college. That’s disgusting. If you thought I was going to say Ronald Acuna Jr., that’s fine. But Soto and Acuna Jr. both had identical 3.7 WARs, but Soto edged him out in wOBA and wRC+. 

Honorable Mention: Acuna, Harrison Bader, Cardinals, Brian Anderson, Marlins, Walker Buehler, Dodgers.        

AL Rookie of the Year: Shohei Ohtani, Los Angeles Angels.

Joey Wendle might have been a better position player. And Shane Bieber might have been a better pitcher. But Ohtani did both. He was a 3-win player as a DH and a 1-win player as a pitcher. And you shouldn’t expect me to pretend those are two different people. I have no idea what’s going to happen to him after Tommy John surgery. Other than that he’ll probably suck in Spring Training. We have no real precedent for what he’s doing. But I’m looking forward to finding out. 

I never loved Sammy Sosa. I just want to be clear about that from the get-go. My favorite player growing up was Andre Dawson. And I used to have to defend that choice, even to other Cubs fans who favored Ryne Sandberg and Mark Grace. But Dawson was always my guy. Then to see Sosa come in, play the same position and completely eclipse everything Dawson ever did was almost personal to me. Like, the right field bleachers is doing the ‘salami’ to Sosa? That was Andre’s Army! I almost felt a sense of betrayal.  

On top of an unnecessary personal loyalty to Dawson, I felt like the Great Home Run Chase of 1998 brought out a bandwagon element to the Cubs that I was uncomfortable embracing. And I thought all the anticipation over Sosa’s home runs made fans at Wrigley stupid - cheering for any ball hit into the air, only to get faked out by easy fly balls. Cubs fans got a bad rap for being drunken idiots who didn’t know the game, didn’t follow the game and were just there to be morons. I heard it all the time from Cardinals fans and White Sox fans. And I hated that it was at least partially true.  

Here’s the thing though: none of that is Sosa’s fault. He didn’t make new fans stupid or tell them to get drunk at the ballpark. Hell, a lot of that was the culture of the park, the culture of the city and the fact that every national broadcast of a Cubs game from 1982-1997 was announced by a beloved grandfatherly figure who also happened to be slurring every word by the 7th inning. I mean, I’ve been drunk at Wrigley Field a number of times. I love that park. I love that city. I loved being drunk there. And I loved Harry Caray too. At least in hindsight. So why not try to love Sosa?

Before I start naming the reasons to not love Sosa that I assume you’re probably thinking of, let me remind you as much as I need to remind myself; There were many times Sammy Sosa made you happy. REALLY happy. I mean, those bleacher bums in right kinda had a point. And so did the bandwagon dipshits. Sosa was pretty goddamn exciting sprinting out to right and doing the pop-and-hop after he crushed one onto Waveland. There was also the playful way he tapped his chest and blew kisses to the camera. He gave us June of ’98, when he hit 20 home runs in a month, which is an all-time record. And that home run chase was actually fucking great. The whole country got swept up in it, no matter how clouded it seems now in 20/20 hindsight. And it could be argued that the ’98 season helped to erase the memory of the ’94 strike and put the game back in the good graces of the fans.  

There was also the American flag home run in the first game at Wrigley after 9/11. And the two-run home run in the bottom of the 9th in Game 1 of the NLCS in 2003. Yeah, that series isn’t fun to think about now, but Sosa hit .308/.455/.577 in those seven NLCS games. So you can blame Steve Bartman or Alex Gonzalez or anybody else until the cows come home. But nobody in their right mind can blame Sosa.   

Okay. Now that we reminded ourselves how happy he made us, we can go further into just how good he was. 

Sosa was the best player on the Cubs (in terms of fWAR) from 1994-1996 and then from 1998-2002. He didn’t really qualify in ’92. Grace was better in ’93 and ‘97. Moises Alou surpassed him in 2003. And we’ll get to 2004. But during his overall time in Chicago, Sosa was almost twice as good as the next best player (Grace) in Wins Above Replacement. If you go off of Bill James’ Superstar accomplishments list, it breaks down like this…

1993. Member of the 30/30 Club (33 home runs and 36 stolen bases). 4.1 WAR.  

1994. .545 SLG. .300 AVG. 

1995. Member of the 30/30 Club (36 home runs and 34 stolen bases). 119 RBI. .500 SLG. 5.3 WAR.    

1996. 40 home runs. 100 RBI. .564 SLG. 5.4 WAR.    

1997. 36 home runs. 119 RBI.  

1998. He briefly held the single-season home run record. Named the National League MVP. Led the league in RBI (158). Led the league in Runs scored (134). 66 home runs. .647 SLG. 6.5 WAR. .308 AVG.        

1999. 63 home runs. Started in the All-Star Game. 141 RBI. 114 Runs. .635 SLG. 4.8 WAR.      

2000. Led the league in Home Runs (50). .406 OBP. Started in the All-Star Game. 138 RBI. 106 Runs. .634 SLG. 5.7 WAR. .320 AVG.      

2001. Led the league in RBI (160). Led the league in Runs scored (146). 64 home runs. That made him the only player in history with three seasons of 60 home runs. .437 OBP. Started in the All-Star Game. .737 SLG. 10.3 WAR. .328 AVG.      

2002. Led the league in Runs scored (122). Led the league in Home Runs (49). Started in the All-Star Game. 108 RBI. .594 SLG. 5.7 WAR.       

2003. 40 home runs.  103 RBI. .553 SLG.  

2004. 35 home runs. Started in the All-Star Game. .517 SLG.   

Boy, look at all that selfish play. James ranks him as a bona fide superstar from 1998-2003. He hit more home runs over a 5-year period and over a 10-year period than any other player in Major League history. He’s the all-time Cubs leader in home runs (545). Of the 10 players with the most-comparable stats, 9 (Jim Thome, Mike Schmidt, Reggie Jackson, Ken Griffey Jr., Harmon Killebrew, Eddie Mathews, Mickey Mantle, Willie Stargell and Willie McCovey) are in the Hall of Fame. He was Sports Illustrated’s co-Sportsman of the Year in 1998. And, not for nothing, Bill Clinton invited him as his guest to the 1999 State of the Union address, where he sat in between Hillary Clinton and Tipper Gore and was one seat over from Rosa Parks.     

Advanced stats tell a slightly different story than the standard ones do. If you look at Sosa only in terms of WAR, he basically only had two elite seasons (1998 and 2001) and JAWS ranks him as the 18th-greatest right fielder of all time, below the average standards for the position amongst Hall of Famers (which are higher standards than any other position, anyway due to Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron and Stan Musial having played in right) and behind non-Hall players like Larry Walker, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Dwight Evans and Reggie Smith. 

However, Sosa’s peak (WAR7) is right above the average for all 25 hall of famers at the position. Which isn’t nothing. He’s also 5th all-time in WAR for all Cubs players (behind Cap Anson, Ron Santo, Ernie Banks and Ryne Sandberg, but ahead of Billy Williams) and the Hall of Stats site puts him in their Hall of Fame, considers him the 16th-best right fielder of all time (one spot behind Dawson, which I don’t mind) and the 6th-greatest Cub of all time (behind Anson, Santo, Sandberg, Banks and Gabby Hartnett).      

Okay. Now that we reminded you how happy he made you, and how he ranks as an all-time great, especially an all-time great Cub, we can talk about some of the negatives. 

In 2003, Sosa got caught with a corked bat. Fine. I probably don’t need to find a physicist to tell you how corking a modern bat doesn’t really do anything besides make it lighter. But the league already disciplined Sosa for that and, in the process, examined 76 of his bats and found nothing else. Maybe it was an honest mistake. Maybe he doctored one bat for batting practice, thinking it did anything. And then maybe he accidentally used it in a game. So what? How that negates everything I’ve already listed above is beyond me. The corked bat should be a nonissue. 

Now we can talk about 2004. At the end of the disappointing 2004 season (where the Cubs actually won one more game than than their previous NLCS-bound season), Sosa showed up late to the final home game, asked to sit out the game, never even dressed for that game and then went home early. He claimed he didn’t leave until the 7th inning, but security footage showed him leaving shortly after the start of the game. Then one of his teammates (rumored to be Kerry Wood, Paul Bako or Todd Walker) smashed his salsa-blaring boombox, which apparently sent the message to the organization that his teammates wanted him gone. Or that they hated him for playing the same CD every day. Either way, the Cubs shipped Sosa off to Baltimore in January, to make for a pretty inauspicious ending to his pretty spectacular tenure in Chicago. 

So maybe Sosa shouldn’t have done all that in 2004. And he probably shouldn’t have criticized manager, Dusty Baker the next day either. But he and Baker patched it up pretty quickly during the offseason. And Sosa has since apologized for everything and even paid a $87,500 fine for the incident. And listen, that season was frustrating for everyone involved. Especially when the long-suffering Cubs had gotten so close the year before. Sosa, who had suffered bizarre injuries and slumped for large portions of the season, felt like he was taking the brunt of the blame for his team’s failures. He also felt humiliated by being dropped to 6th in the order by Baker. There are better ways it could have been handled. But fans booing his image at the Cubs Convention the following winter is just as fucking petty.   

Look, those were really dark times for the Cubs fanbase. And I mean downright ugly. I cringe even thinking about the way the Wrigley Field fans treated Bartman during Game 6 the previous year. I cringe thinking about those fans during the NLDS in 2008 after Ryan Dempster gave up the grand slam to James Loney in the 5th inning of Game 1. And I think it took multiple years and a major cultural change in the organization before it even started to get better. 

But don’t tell me Sosa walked out on the fans. He walked out on Dusty Baker. And you don’t even like Dusty Baker. It was a meaningless game the Cubs won 10-8 anyway. Nobody can honestly tell me they still give a fuck about that game. And you also don’t give a shit about the precious Cubs fan base. Especially not after the way you treated Bartman. Oh, look at us, the precious Cubs fans! We wanted to kill one of our own just because he was easiest to scapegoat for all our hurt feelings and years of frustration.  

I think the reality of the situation is that Sosa came to symbolize an era of dashed hopes and futility to the bandwagon contingent, too fickle to deserve calling themselves Cubs fans to begin with. If you hate frustration and futility, as a Cubs fan, you can also hate Ernie Banks, Fergie Jenkins, Billy Williams, Greg Maddux, Ryne Sandberg and any other Cubs player who was unfortunate enough to play for that team during the miserable 108-year drought.   

And we still haven’t talked about steroids. 

Fine. During a time the Cubs fanbase decided they hated Sosa, anyway, he appeared in those infamous Congressional hearings and had his lawyer read his incredibly vague statement for him due to English being his second language. You want to be mad about that? Cool. Do you know how much money the U.S. government wasted trying to catch Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens in a perjury case? Well, they came up with exactly nothing for all their efforts. And the same shit would have happened with Sosa too. 

His lawyer read his carefully worded statement in English. The statement left room for him to have technically taken steroids orally, in pill form, from a prescription from a doctor in the Dominican Republic. Sosa didn’t have to trip up on the wording in the hearing. And your tax dollars went to a road or a school instead. Or a war in the Middle East. Whatever. You get my point. 

Then there’s the 2009 article in the New York Times naming Sosa as one of the ‘anonymous’ players who tested positive for PED’s in 2003. Ugh. Do you know how many problems there are with citing that story as your reason Sosa did steroids? Okay sure, Doctor SuperFan, what drug did he do then? What was the source of the information? Can the test you’re citing distinguish between PEDs and over the counter, legal drugs? You have no earthly idea. 

And this was in the Wild West days of the league before they even had a PED policy, in an era of almost total complicity, from the fans and all the way up to the commissioner’s office. Sosa never actually failed a drug test. He was never actually disciplined by the league. And all you have is your eyeballs and the thoughts and opinions of other clueless fans who are also not biochemists, don’t really know how PED’s can even affect baseball performance, don’t know about Sosa’s dogged work with Jeff Pentland in the batting cages after the 1997 season, don’t even lift fucking weights to know how that works and probably still get a red ass over his corked bat for the same ignorant reasons.

Don’t get me wrong. He totally did steroids. 

But I can’t prove it. And either can your buddy from work or the four guys you know who still try to say Barry Bonds’ head got three times bigger or whatever. That’s my point. And by now you’ve already forgotten that Sammy Sosa, on several occasions, made you really, really fucking happy.   

So what else? What other anti-Sosa arguments could you possibly have? Tom Ricketts wants an apology from him? Tom Ricketts has $900 million. Why doesn’t Tom Ricketts apologize for the wage theft and economic scarcity that allows him to have that type of money in the first place (to paraphrase a meme I saw posted about Bruce Wayne one time). But talk about cheating. Dude is an investment banker. I don’t think he gets to star in his own morality play on this one.

Sosa put asses in seats for 13 years in Chicago. For the Tribune Company. He owes Tom Ricketts fuck all. Especially since Ricketts, like your buddy from work, can’t prove a goddamn thing about his PED use. He doesn’t have special information about it because he’s rich. Plus, the same phony-pearl-clutching, butt-hurt Ricketts allowed the Cubs to hire twice-busted steroid user, Manny Ramirez, as a hitting consultant in 2015 and 2016. That’s him in the photo above smiling like he didn’t get caught taking female fertility drugs in 2009. Meanwhile at the 100-year celebration at Wrigley Field, as well as the Cubs’ World Series celebrations, everyone had to pretend Sosa never existed, that he never did all the wonderful things he did for the team and that he never made you really, REALLY happy. The only thing Ricketts should be mad about is that he didn’t own the team when Sosa was making them millions in merchandise sales. Shut up, rich kid.    

As Cubs fans, it’s time we let all this shit go. Just like we let most of the rest of the old culture go. Thankfully, “That’s Cub” and other Maddonisms replaced the “Cubby Occurrences” of Lou Piniella or the frustrations of the Dusty Baker era. Or any other era, for that matter. We weathered the storm of Game 7 in 2016. Literally and figuratively, thanks to Jason Hayward. We watched Kris Bryant slip on the grass and throw a ball to Anthony Rizzo that could have easily sailed over his head, kept the inning going for Cleveland in the 10th and added to our collective list of miseries. But it somehow didn’t happen. The throw found its way to Rizzo’s glove. The Cubs won the goddamn World Series. They had a giant parade. Even Bartman got himself a ring. And I’m supposed to be mad that Sammy Sosa took a pill to make himself better at baseball over 14 years ago? Beat it, nerd. 

Barry Bonds is getting his number retired by the Giants later this year. Mark McGwire has been back in Major League dugouts. Roger Clemens has too. And his number 21 jersey hasn’t been used by the Red Sox since he left in 1996. Sammy Sosa had to hit his 600th career home run off of Jason Marquis, while Marqis was wearing Sosa’s rightful number 21 jersey for the fucking Cubs. How’s that for irony?  

Sosa’s already been punished long enough. They all have. Sosa isn’t getting into the Hall of Fame any time soon. He got less than 8% of the vote last year. In his 6th year on the ballot. And he’s basically been banished into baseball exile for over a decade like he was named an enemy of the people in some Stalin-esque purge.  It’s been 14 years. Contaminating food or water for terrorist purposes only gets you 10 years. Jesus Christ. 

But it doesn’t have to be this way. By now the Cubs can put the ugliness of the drought years behind them and actually honor a man who turned so many people at Wrigley into fans in the first place. 

Forgive Sammy Sosa, everyone. He took nothing from you. He only gave to you. And remember, he made you really, really happy. 

Another one bites the dust. Robinson Cano tested positive for a PED-masking substance this week, which, for all intents and purposes renders his Cooperstown candidacy a moot point. He’s now banished to Rafael Palmeiro Island with Manny Ramirez, Mark McGwire and the rest of the great, what-if and say-it-ain’t-so players we’ve come to love and forget over the past twenty years. But just how good was Cano? Let’s take a look with Bill James’ tried and true Keltner List method to see just how many tears we should be shedding for the latest in a long list of players to let us down.    

1. Was he ever regarded as the best player in baseball? Did anybody, while he was active, ever suggest that he was the best player in baseball?

I don’t think so. Albert Pujols, Miguel Cabrera and/or Mike Trout have basically had a lock on that designation for Cano’s entire career. He finished 3rd in A.L. MVP voting in 2010 and he was 4th in baseball in fWAR in 2012. But nobody was saying he was THE guy.    

2. Was he the best player on his team?

Well, to be fair, Cano played on the Jeter/A-Rod Yankees from 2005-2013. Those Yankees also had Jason Giambi, Jorge Posada and Johnny Damon. But Cano would have been the best player on the Yankees in 2010, 2012 and 2013 and over that 2005-2013 time period, he was second to A-Rod in overall WAR, edging out a fading Jeter. In 2014, Cano went to Seattle. There were some strong years from Nelson Cruz and Kyle Seager, but since 2014 (2014-2018), Cano has led the Mariners in overall WAR. And you can add 2014 and 2016 to the years he was the best on his own team.      

3. Was he the best player in baseball at his position? Was he the best player in the league at his position?

Yes. Cano was the best second baseman in baseball in 2010, 2012 and 2014. And he was the best in the American League in 2013. During his own playing career (2005-2018), he’s been the best second baseman in the American League and second in overall WAR to Chase Utley.   

4. Did he have an impact on a number of pennant races?

Yes. All in New York. Cano played in 7 postseasons from 2005-2012 and has one ring with the Yankees.  

5. Was he good enough that he could play regularly after passing his prime?

This is Cano’s 14th season in the bigs. He got MVP votes in 2016. He was an All-Star last year. You could probably argue that he’s still in his prime. Dude’s on fucking steroids. That’s what they do.    

6. Is he the very best baseball player in history who is not in the Hall of Fame?

No. Barry Bonds. I don’t even have to look. 

7. Are most players who have comparable statistics in the Hall of Fame?

No. But Cano does have similar stats to Ryne Sandberg. And Joe Torre, who was a borderline candidate as a player and is in the Hall as a manager. On the list of 10 most similar include Scott Rolen, Jeff Kent, Matt Holliday and Ken Boyer, who are borderline candidates (I’ve said yes to Rolen in the past). But his career numbers after 14 seasons look most like Miguel Tejada.

8. Do the player’s numbers meet Hall of Fame standards?

Cano gets a 48 on the Standards list, with a 50 being average for a Hall of Famer. 305 home runs, a .304 batting average. 2,417 hits. That’s pretty fucking good for a second baseman.     

9. Is there any evidence to suggest that the player was significantly better or worse than is suggested by his statistics?

I guess there is now. 

10. Is he the best player at his position who is eligible for the Hall of Fame?

Yes, actually. Cano is the 7th-best second baseman of all time, according to JAWS. And Rogers Hornsby, Eddie Collins, Nap Lajoie, Joe Morgan, Charlie Gehringer and Rod Carew are all in the Hall. Carew was mostly a first baseman, but whatever.   

11. How many MVP-type seasons did he have? Did he ever win an MVP award? If not, how many times was he close?

Cano got MVP votes in 8 different seasons. He got 3rd in 2010, 4th in 2012 and 5th in 2013 and 2014. I would have given him 4th in 2010, 3rd in 2012 and 5th in 2013. So 3 elite seasons. That’s okay. 

12. How many All-Star-type seasons did he have? How many All-Star games did he play in? Did most of the players who played in this many All-Star games go into the Hall of Fame?

Cano has been an All-Star 8 times. And that puts him in pretty elite company. Just as a comparison, Utley has 6, Jose Altuve has 5, Dustin Pedroia and Ian Kinsler have 4. But, I could also point out that Roberto Alomar had 12 and Ryne Sandberg and Joe Morgan had 10. Not that Cano is done.  

13. If this man were the best player on his team, would it be likely that the team could win the pennant?

I kinda hate this question considering Mike Trout hasn’t played in any World Series games. But the Yankees made it to the ALCS in 2010 and 2012, when Cano was the best player on the team. But those teams also had Jeter and A-Rod and CC Sabathia.     

14. What impact did the player have on baseball history? Was he responsible for any rule changes? Did he introduce any new equipment? Did he change the game in any way?

I can’t think of anything. 

15. Did the player uphold the standards of sportsmanship and character that the Hall of Fame, in its written guidelines, instructs us to consider?

Nope. 

Babe Ruth the hitter will probably never make sense to me. He really shouldn’t make sense to anybody. If you’re reading this, you’re probably at least a little bit aware of his slugging statistics that all look like typos or hilarious lies we all tell ourselves to pat ourselves on the back for inventing baseball. In 1920, Ruth hit 54 home runs. Which is four more than any other American League team hit for the full season. And so forth and so on. In order for anyone to touch his single-season hitting records, you’d probably need a scenario where 80 years later, we all agreed that it was okay for the guy who was already the best player in baseball to get pumped full of the most advanced human growth hormones we had. And even in that scenario, Babe Ruth in the Twenties still makes absolutely no sense. 

But what about Babe Ruth the pitcher?

We’re gonna hear a lot about that guy this year. Especially if Shohei Othani keeps hitting three home runs in a week and then goes out on the mound and flirts with a perfect game in his next outing. Comparing anybody who isn’t Barry Bonds-on-clydsdale-semen to Babe Ruth is completely and unnecessarily unfair. But in this case, there’s really nobody else to compare him to. 

From 1914-1919, Babe Ruth was a starting pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. And yeah, he started getting a reputation for hitting massive home runs. And crowds were bigger on days Ruth pitched because they wanted to see him do more of that. He also had a reputation for being a bit of a maniac. In one outing in 1917, he walked the first batter he faced, got pissed enough at the umpire to throw a fucking punch at him. And then after he was ejected, Ernie Shore came in and retired 27 batters in a row. For the longest time, Shore’s performance was recorded as a perfect game. But as it stands now, it’s probably just the most bizarre combined no-hitter that’s ever happened.   

But there was also a time Ruth might have been the best left handed pitcher on the planet. In 1916, he pitched head-to-head against Walter Johnson five times and won four of those games. I’m not a Wins Guy, but that’s still impressive when the other guy is inarguably one of the five greatest pitchers of all time. Ruth also pitched a 14-inning complete game in the World Series that year. And he also led the league in ERA, Complete Games and Shutouts. And if you’re just looking at his stat line of a 1.75 ERA, a 2.43 FIP and a 4.5 WAR, taken completely out of context, that’s fucking Dwight Gooden in 1985, Greg Maddux in ‘94-’95, Pedro Martinez in 2000 shit. Yeah, it was in the Deadball Era that he single-handedly ruined. But look at his career stats, compared to surefire, First Ballot Hall of Famer, and GOAT, Mariano Rivera.       

Ruth.   1221.1 IP.  2.28 ERA  2.81 FIP 

Rivera. 1283.2 IP.  2.21 ERA  2.76 FIP

You just have to shrug. Ruth makes no sense. Ohtani makes no sense. But I think I’m gonna keep have fun trying.

Let’s go around the League. 

AL East.     

With the Red Sox blasting off a 10-2 record and the Yankees sitting just below .500, the projections in the East have already changed. The Red Sox are now projected at 96-97 wins to win the Division. And the Yankees are looking at 91-93 wins and another Wild Card. I’ll start bragging about calling that two weeks ago when any of the games are above 40-degrees. But this divisional race, plus another full-on brawl makes me giddy to watch this rivalry unfold over the rest of the season. Especially when Giancarlo Stanton figures it out. Homebody is not hitting well. He had another zero-hit, five-strikeout game this week. And nobody has ever had two zero-hit, five-strikeout games in a season before, let alone by the end of April. He never even had a four-strikeout game last year. Joe DiMaggio only struck out 13 times in 1941. Yogi Berra struck out 12 times in 1950. Stanton has 23 K’s through 13 games. It’s getting so much attention that nobody seems to be noticing that...

AL MVP: Didi Gregorius, New York Yankees.

Didi has the second-highest WAR in baseball right now. He also has the highest wOBA in the American League and highest wRC+ in the Majors. He’s also tied or leading in stats you’ve heard of like RBI, SLG and OPS.    

AL Central. 

The Indians have the worst batting average, on-base percentage and OPS in the Majors. And they’re still tied for first place. Because, and stop me if you’ve heard this, their pitching is fucking awesome. Also, check out Joe Mauer’s stats in Minnesota. Does anybody feel like talking about that? He’s hitting .412 and leading the Majors in OBP too. Or do we have to ignore everything about this division for as long as we can? Let me know. 

AL West.   

Everybody still seems to think the Astros are the best team in baseball by a wide margin. But the Angels are currently in first place. So if this keeps up, we might be looking at an even better playoff race than Yankees-Red Sox. And honestly, doesn’t Mike Trout deserve to have something nice at some point in his life? He’s just given us so, so much.  

AL Cy Young: Gerrit Cole, Houston Astros. 

It’s almost unfair. Right now Cole is tied for 5th in the League in WAR, he’s 3rd in ERA with a 0.64 and he leads the AL in FIP. If the Astros are going to become the ‘98 Yankees, he’s going to be the reason. 

AL Rookie of the Year: Shohei Ohtani, The The Angels Angels. 

I’d pick him if he was just a DH. I’d pick him if he was just a pitcher. At one point in the past week, he had more strikeouts than Max Scherzer and more home runs than Aaron Judge. We should probably all buy tickets to see him play in the real near future. 

NL East. 

Well, are we buying the Mets yet? At 10-1, they have the best record in baseball and their projections (87-88 wins) are pulling just about even with the Nationals (88-89). And the East Coast Media has decided to anoint new manager, Mickey Callaway as the greatest person to ever great. Almost like a bizarro version of Gabe Kapler in Philadelphia. Because, oh man, people hate that guy. I’m gonna hold off on calling for a rematch to the ‘86 World Series for the time being. Like I said earlier, every game looks like it’s being played on Hoth for tauntauns and wampas. I’m also gonna hold off calling for the Miami Marlins to move to Montreal. But that’ll probably be a thing I do later on in the season.  

NL MVP: Bryce Harper, Washington Nationals.     

Mr. April is locked in yet again. He’s leading the League in WAR and he’s been the second-best hitter (wOBA and wRC+) to Rhys Hoskins of the Phillies. Harper also leads the NL in Runs, Home Runs and Slugging. Get paid, young Bryce. 

NL Cy Young: Max Scherzer, Washington Nationals. 

He leads the League in WAR, he’s second in FIP and he’s got an 0.90 ERA. Scherzer is the best pitcher in baseball. I get grouchy now when anyone tries to say it’s anyone else. Dude stole a base this week. Let’s see Corey Kluber do that. Pussy. 

NL Central. 

The Pirates are still projected at 80-83 wins. The Cubs are still projected at 92-93. It honestly doesn’t feel that way right now. Then again... now I wish I’d seen Frozen so I could make an amazing movie reference to how cold it is. But can you imagine Pittsburgh with Jameson Taillon AND Gerrit Cole right now? Yikes. But mostly I want to talk about that motherfucker, Yadier Molina. Man, I hate him. This week Yadi went batshit because Diamondbacks’ manager, Torey Lovullo, said, “That motherfucker is framing pitches” or something like that. And Yadi probably doesn’t like when people find out he has loveless sex with his own mother. Either that or it’s a figure of speech, Yadi. You tell me. What an idiot. You’re 35-years old and make $15 million a year. You can probably afford to take a lady out to a fancy dinner. You probably don’t need to keep boning your moms all day. You know, because he obviously does that shit. Really. I think I’m serious.   

NL West.    

Okay, fine. I’ll buy the Diamondbacks. Right now FiveThirtyEight only has them one game behind the Dodgers in their playoff projections. And I’ll wait another week to see if LA is still 26th in Runs, 20th in Batting Average, 25th in OBP, 24th in SLG... you get the point. Yasmani Grandal should probably not be the best player on the team if they want to win.  

NL Rookie of the Year: Joey Lucchesi, San Diego Padres. 

Nobody has really emerged in the NL to capture the baseball media’s attention. So I guess I’ll give Lucchesi a slight edge over Shane Carle of the Braves and Brian Anderson of the Montreal Miami Marlins. So this would be just as good of a time as any to remind you that Yadier Molina has the hots for his mom. 

Well, March Madness is over. Your bracket probably sucked anyway. So you probably need to get caught up on the first week of baseball. I’m here to help you. And while it’s probably way too early to draw any real conclusions from the first week, I don’t want you wandering around looking as clueless as Gabe Kapler. EARLY SEASON BURN. It’s okay if you don’t get that joke yet. You will. Let’s start...  

AL East  

Current Playoff Team: Red Sox

Projected Playoff Teams: Yankees, Red Sox

See, what did I tell you last week? Winky smile. After the Red Sox blew a comfortable lead on Opening Day, I’m guessing that every psychotic Boston fan wanted Alex Cora run out of town. Now they’ve rattled off 5 wins in a row and we’re contemplating whether or not the Red Sox might have the best rotation in baseball. I mean, probz not. But a week in they sure do. 

You think Giancarlo Stanton is under a microscope in New York? Dude already got booed. It’s all fun and games in New York when you’re crushing two home runs on Opening Day, and it’s a lot harder four games later when you’re 0-for-5 with 5 K’s in football weather in the Bronx. I think he’ll be fine. Maybe Yankees fans should worry more about Dellin Betances.     

AL Cy Young: Dylan Bundy, Orioles.

For all the deserved accolades of Boston’s starting pitching, the best in the AL so far as been Bundy, whose WAR leads the league, accompanied with a 1.35 FIP and a 0.69 ERA. That being said, the rest of the conversations surrounding division are a guessing game about where the Blue Jays will be before the trade deadline and whether or not they should trade Josh Donaldson. Right now, FanGraphs has them a game off the second wild card spot and FiveThirtyEight has them at 26% to make the playoffs. That’s a tough call if that happens. It’ll probably be a much easier decision for the Orioles, so we’ll see who gets to slobber all over the chance to land Manny Machado for the postseason.       

AL Central

Current Playoff Teams: White Sox, Twins

Projected Playoff Teams: Indians, Twins (FiveThirtyEight only)

If you’re a Twins fan, you’ve got to be loving this early start from Brian Dozier. And Jose Berrios. And Eduardo Escobar. Right now I’m feeling confident in their chances. I’m probably even more excited if I’m a White Sox fan, since projections have them around 68-73 wins and they’re currently on pace to crush that. Yeah, they’re only 5 games in. I don’t want to get too excited. But the Sox have homered in every game. Matt Davidson’s 3 home runs on Opening Day were just a blip on the radar compared to the attention Stanton got. And this is a young team already headed in the right direction. The national sports media is still waiting around for the Indians to get hot before they care about any of this. 

AL West

Current Playoff Teams: Astros, Angels

Projected Playoff Teams: Astros, Angels (FanGraphs only)   

Did you see all the fancy Astros ring and banner celebrations? It’s looking like that’s gonna happen a lot down in Houston. George Springer led off the season with a home run for the second year in a row. They’re widely considered to have the best staff in the Majors (sorry Boston... and I guess everyone else). They’ve got four guys playing the outfield. And if the Division wasn’t looking so tough, we might be able to project the Astros at a billion wins this year. Speaking of which...

AL MVP: Carlos Correa, Astros.     

This Opening Week shit can probably get eye rolls for most things, but Correa wouldn’t be a bad pick to be MVP, anyway. Right now, Correa leads the League in WAR and he’s been the second-best hitter, so I’m giving him the early lead over Mitch Haniger of the Mariners and Didi Gregorius of the Yankees. 

AL Rookie of the Year: Shohei Ohtani, Angels. 

Remember when this guy fucking sucked in Spring Training? That was kind of fun. Now the Babe Ruth comparisons aren’t actually that insane. Ohtani might be the hardest-throwing starter in baseball. His hitting is starting to resemble the power exhibition he puts on in batting practice. And maybe we don’t need BREAKING NEWS every time this guy gets a hit, but this is one of the only over-hyped stories of the young season that actually has my full attention. Oh yeah, and he’s only 22.       

NL East

Current Playoff Teams: Mets, Braves, Nationals 

Projected Playoff Teams: Nationals, Mets (FanGraphs only)

I think there might be an East Coast bias when Derek Jeter sitting in the stands in Miami gets more attention than actual games in the Midwest. But a lot of the attention is actually warranted so far. The Mets are going to be interesting this year. They only won 70 games last year, which made me skeptical of picking them for a Wild Card. Right now, they’re projected anywhere from 81-88 wins. Maybe Mickey Callaway is changing the culture there. I don’t know. But after the first week, I’m actually going to say...

NL Cy Young: Matt Harvey, Mets.   

He’s back, baby! Or not. Like I said, nobody knows. But I’ll take that 0.00 ERA and 1.56 FIP as a good sign. Plus, it’s not like he has to be ‘the man’ in Queens anymore. 

NL MVP: Freddie Freeman, Braves. 

He’s been the best hitter in the League so far. And he’s probably the best player in baseball that America and your girlfriend have never heard of. The Braves have had the best offense in baseball early on. Freeman is a big reason why. Because he always is.     

The Nationals always seem to have fifteen different compelling storylines over the course of a season. There’s the lingering fact that they’ve never advanced in the playoffs. They have the impending free agency of Bryce Harper to talk about over and over and over again. I’m sure Nats fans love that shit. And since Harper always seems to be amazing in April, it’s not going to slow anything of those talks down. How anticlimactic will it be when he re-signs with Washington? Anyway, Adam Eaton has also made a big splash in his return from injury. So there hasn’t even really been much attention on their non-Dusty-Baker manager just yet. It’s just a matter of time to see who they’re gonna lose to in the first round. HUGE BURN to their zero fans that I know of.     

You know which new manager is getting scrutiny? Gabe Kapler of the Phillies. It seems like every team has a new manager, but only one pulled their starter when he was dealing on Opening Day and then blew a 5-run lead. And only one called to the pen with nobody warming up. And only one looks like he’s not gonna be done reigning down destruction on Philadelphia until every one of their relievers have Tommy John surgery. That’s probably harsh. But it’s also probably funnier to me because he also looks incompetent anywhere outside of a cross fit box or a gym that only plays butt rock. I’m guessing he figures it out eventually. 

Hey, look! Derek Jeter is sitting in the stands with Papi and Posada! 

NL Central

Current Playoff Teams: Pirates, Brewers 

Projected Playoff Teams: Cubs, Cardinals.  

Is it ever too early to start freaking out about the Cubs? I mean, Ian Happ was great in Spring Training. Then he homered on the first pitch of the season and after that, it’s basically been suck city. The Cubs offense is setting all-time records for striking out. They’re 2-3 after playing the Marlins and Reds, who are projected to win a combined ZERO games this year. Maybe we can blame the 17-inning game against the Marlins on Day 2. Maybe it’s way too early to be worried about anything. Maybe I should take solace in the fact that their bullpen has looked dope AF and that was a huge problem last year. They’re fine, right?   

As far as the rest of the division goes, you’ve got a fast start from the Pirates, who have only played in frigid weather. The Cardinals picked up Greg Holland, which could be huge for their chances at the Wild Card... or the Division, I guess. The Cardinals and Brewers played in a game that started and ended with back-to-back home runs. And Paul DeJong has probably been the most interesting story for STL. He’d be my second pick for MVP, after Freeman. He also hit .257 last year so whatever. 

NL West

Current Playoff Team: Diamondbacks

Projected Playoff Teams: Dodgers, Diamondbacks (FiveThirtyEight only)

If you’re a Dodgers fan, what’s freaking you out more; bad outings and decreased velocity from Clayton Kershaw or bad outings and decreased velocity from Kenley Jansen? Because both things are happening. Kershaw is 0-2 and you can hear the whispers about whether or not he’s past his prime, even though everyone was blowing him in Spring Training. Jansen has an 18.00 ERA. Is this the dreaded World Series hangover that is obviously not happening in Houston? I’m looking at the rest of that staff and thinking they’re probably going to be fine. The moral of this post is that everything is fine. Probably because as a Cubs fan, I’m trying to convince myself that everything is fine.    

As far as the rest of the Division goes, Nick Ahmed has had a hot start in Arizona. Joe Panik’s solo home runs in the first two games led to two 1-0 games for the Giants, which was super fucking weird. And Charlie Blackmon actually hit on the road for the Rockies... where he’s staying put. And just for fun...

NL Rookie of the Year: Christian Villanueva, Padres.      

Maybe the Phillies should call up Hunter Greene to make anyone give a shit about NL rookies this year. But Villanueva is tied for the NL rookie lead in WAR and he’s mashing for the shitty Padres. The Cubs actually got Villanueva with Kyle Hendricks in the Ryan Dempster trade. But they decided they probably didn’t have room for him in the infield, since he doesn't strike out every time at bat. Oh man. SELF BURN.   

This is one of my favorite times of the year. It’s Springtime. The birds are chirping. The baseball season is about to start and everyone’s hopes and dreams are still in their bright eyed and bushy tailed, pre-crushed wrappings. Or at least they should be. But that doesn’t seem to be the case this year. Nothing I’ve read (and I’ve looked) seems to have any other plausible scenarios besides the Yankees, Indians, Astros, Nationals, Cubs and Dodgers winning their respective divisions. The Red Sox are a lock for the first AL Wild Card. Mike Trout will be AL MVP. Corey Kluber will be AL Cy Young. Bryce Harper will be the NL MVP and Clayton Kershaw will be the NL Cy Young. And so forth and so on.

That shit is boring. And I fucking hate when people accuse baseball of being boring. 

So let’s spice things up with some bold predictions and what-if scenarios, without being too crazy (sorry to all 12 Marlins fans). At least one team per league usually surprises the stat nerds by the All-Star break. And then all of this will be rendered useless when the star pitcher and prima donna reliever head off to a contender at the trade deadline. Okay! Let’s get started. 

AL East.   

The team that was only one win away from the World Series just added the reigning NL MVP. I get it. They also have the best bullpen in baseball. Picking the Yankees is easy and makes sense. But now throw in the fact that they have a rookie manager. And nobody knows if Aaron Judge is really an 8 WAR player. Or if Luis Severino is gonna pull off another career year. And let’s not forget that they didn’t even win the division last year. So let’s look at who did...      

Just to reiterate, everyone thinks the Red Sox are going back to the playoffs this year. Just not as division champions. Mookie Betts is going to be an MVP candidate. And an actually much safer bet to be one than Aaron Judge. And that staff still has Chris Sale. They picked up JD Martinez too. Don’t get me wrong, they have a few issues I don’t like. But NOBODY picked them? That doesn’t seem right. Now, if you want to get truly crazy... 

The Blue Jays are a disaster waiting to happen, but in an all-best-case-scenario year, Josh Donaldson is an MVP candidate, Marcus Stroman is a Cy Young finalist and 84 wins gets them to that second Wild Card spot in October.  

I’m taking the Red Sox just to be a dick. 

AL Central. 

That rotation is sick. Jose Ramirez and Francisco Lindor are the shit. And the Indians are still the heavy favorites in the Central, despite a few lineup downgrades. Which means we might have to scrutinize Michael Brantley for the 3rd or 4th year in a row. And I think it’s fun to just keep mentioning 1948. But at least they’re not as racist after this year? Cleveland’s story isn’t as fresh this year, so it might be more fun to look at...  

The Twins won the Wild Card last year with a good offense and pretty bad pitching. And Byron Buxton is still only 24. So what if the offense stays consistent-or-better, Jose Berrios becomes elite and Jake Odorizzi can add enough firepower to make an even better run in 2018? I’ve seen anywhere from 78-83 projected wins for them. Maybe everything went right last year, when they won 85. But the rest of the division (other than Cleveland) looks weak, so you might want to pencil them in for a Wild Card rematch with the Yankees.  

AL West.       

Is it more exciting to talk about Stanton-Judge-Sanchez than Altuve-Correa-Springer for any other reason than home runs? Because the Astros’ Big (or Little) 3 is better. I’d love to tell you that Justin Verlander is old. Or that Dallas Keuchel is overrated. Or that Gerrit Cole is done. But none of that is true (well, maybe it’s true about Keuchel) and the Astros will win 100 + games. Unless, you know, winning the World Series in 7 games gives everyone a massive hangover now and they’ll emerge at the All-Star break with a losing record. That’s a regular thing, right? No? Just my team? Okay. Let’s look at who could emerge as a Wild Card... 

Mike Trout is the best player on the planet. And the Angels had an under appreciated offseason (and I’m not talking about Shohei Ohtani). I don’t think anyone knows what to make of him yet. Right now, I like the Twins better as the second Wild Card than the Angels. Especially since the AL West is good enough that I’ve also seen respectable people choose the Rangers and Athletics as Wild Cards, even though they look like they’re rebuilding. But it is super fun to look at projections for James Paxton of the Mariners and name him as your sexy prediction for the Cy Young over boring-ass picks like Kluber and Sale. That being said, if you see any other picks besides Trout for AL MVP, those people are just being assholes.  

NL East. 

Yeah, yeah. It’s the Nationals. Max Scherzer and Stephen Strasburg. No Dusty Baker. The window is closing. Adam Eaton is back. Trea Turner might be underrated. No Dusty Baker. I just have a problem with all the Bryce Harper projections hype. He was Barry Bonds in 2015. And he’s never been near that any other time. I know he was battling some injuries. But couldn’t you make an argument that Anthony Rendon is the best player on this team? And yeah, I’ll change my tune when the Cubs give him $40 million a year starting in 2019. All I’m saying is that I’m not just gonna let you pick him for MVP in a contract year when he’s been a 4 WAR (and not a 9.5 WAR) over the last two seasons.

He’ll hit a home run on Opening Day though.   

There’s an argument to be made for a healthy Noah Syndergaard returning, which would make he and deGrom about as formidable as Scherzer and Strasburg in Washington. But the Mets won 70 games last year, so I might allow you to pick Thor for your NL Cy, but that’s about as far as I’ll let you go. 

NL Central. 

The Cubs sucked last year and still went to the NLCS. And it’s like, who on this team (besides Kris Bryant, who is the safest MVP bet in the league) isn’t poised to break out in 2018? Look at Anthony Rizzo’s projections. That’s MVP-type shit for the probably-fourth-best first baseman in the league. Ian Happ’s Spring, plus the potential for everyone else on this young team (Wilson Contreras, Kyle Schwarber, Addison Russell, Javier Baez and to a certain extent, Jason Heyward), not to mention a bounce back for Kyle Hendricks, a full season from Jose Quintana and no tipped pitches from Yu Darvish and we can start to compare this team to the 2016 squad instead of last year’s historic first half flop. Who will compete? Okay...    

The Cardinals got Marcell Ozuna. Carlos Martinez is a legit ace. But they need a better bullpen. The Brewers got Christian Yelich and Lorenzo Cain, so the offense looks pretty good on a team that won 86 games last year. They just need starting pitching. So with both teams projected at an 86-win ceiling, I like the upside of the Cardinals more. And I think they’ll take a Wild Card spot. 

NL West. 

Clayton Kershaw is still considered the best pitcher in baseball. They still have the best reliever in baseball in Kenley Jansen. A healthy Corey Seager is an MVP candidate. Maybe they played out of their ass last Summer. But we’re still looking at 93-97 wins. Probably. But they’ve got some healthy competition...   

The Diamondbacks and Rockies won 93 and 87 games last year, respectively. Zack Greinke is projecting like a Cy Young candidate again, but they have back-of-the-rotation and bullpen issues that coincide with losing JD Martinez. Not that Paul Goldschmidt and a full season from AJ Pollock is anything to scoff at. The Rockies’ offense might have wind-aided stats, but Nolan Arenado is always a legit MVP candidate. Plus Jon Gray and German Marquez might actually give them legit pitching. We’re looking at 81-85 wins for the D-Backs and only 79-82 for the Rockies, which feels low. I’ll take the D-Backs and Cardinals as my Wild Cards. Not that I think it’ll matter...   

World Series: Cubs over Astros. 

Well, the Veterans Committee has spoken and two Detroit 80′s greats, Jack Morris and Alan Trammell will be heading to Cooperstown for immortality. Here’s my hot take. 

Alan Trammell. 

Trammell played for 20 seasons. All with the Detroit Tigers. There were some elite seasons in there (1983 and 1987), but overall, he was probably the second-best player there during his tenure after Lou Whittaker. And Trammell was only the 4th-best shortstop of his own era after Cal Ripken, Ozzie Smith and Robin Yount. The thing is, all of those guys were first ballot Hall of Famers. So Trammell’s JAWS numbers actually make him the 11th-best shortstop of all-time. Just to put that into perspective, Derek Jeter is 12th.

Don’t get me wrong, overall, Trammell is a below average Hall of Famer. He has 2,300 hits, 185 home runs and a .285 batting average. But those are similar numbers to Barry Larkin, Ryne Sandberg and Pee Wee Reese. It’s the WAR that’s helping his cause. Whether those old timers know about WAR or not is beyond me. But Trammell also had four Gold Gloves and a World Series MVP in 1984. 

He was always a borderline pick to me. And apparently to the writers as well. But his peers thought he was worthy. So I guess I’m fine with it. But now we probably need to talk about just why the fuck Lou Whittaker isn’t joining him.

Jack Morris. 

This one doesn’t make sense to me.

Morris played for 18 seasons with the Tigers, Twins, Blue Jays and Indians. He was the best pitcher on the Tigers about half his time there. Otherwise guys like Milt Wilcox, Dave Rozema and Dan Petry might have edged him out. But over that 1977-1990 period, Morris was easily the face of that Tigers staff. He was elite in 1983. And he also finished in the top 10 in AL WAR in 1981, 1985 and 1986, but I don’t think all those top 5 Cy Young finishes (besides ’83) are warranted. Those were more about Wins than any real stat. But hey, the sportswriters didn’t know any better and Morris did have three 20-win seasons. Perception was reality.

If hindsight tells us that Morris didn’t have an overly impressive peak, he’d need career numbers to back up his candidacy. And I would offer that over his own career (1977-1994), Morris is 3rd in overall pitchers WAR after Nolan Ryan and Roger Clemens. And his career stats are similar to Bob Gibson, Red Ruffing, Amos Rusie and Burleigh Grimes. But that’s about where any good ‘career’ arguments stop.

Morris is 164th in all-time pitchers JAWS. That’s not good. He also has a below average Hall of Fame Standard number (39). His career stats are more similar to Dennis Martinez than Bob Gibson. And if we’re looking at Morris’ 254 career wins, then I guess I’d scratch my head and ask why guys like Tommy John, Jim Kaat and Mike Mussina aren’t also in the Hall. Tommy John was on the same Veterans ballot as Morris. He has a 79.4 career WAR with 288 wins and a 3.34 ERA. Morris has a 55.8 career WAR with 254 wins and a 3.90 ERA. And Morris doesn’t even have a surgery named after him. So what gives?

Oh, the postseason. Okay. I know we’re gonna keep hearing that Morris was a big game pitcher. And Morris has 4 rings to show for his efforts, even though he didn’t play in the 1993 postseason to get that 4th ring. But if you look at the stats, Morris’ actual postseason ERA is 3.80. Which is about exactly the same as his mediocre career ERA. So this mostly comes down to 1984 and the 1991 World Series. Which basically means that Morris’ entire candidacy boils down to everyone’s memory of Game 7 of the 1991 World Series.

Newspapers in Iowa are hunky AF today.

This is Taker. He's a real West Coast bad boy and we get him next month.

90's party, matching J's, Starter jackets, Austin 3:16. This is How We Do It is playing...

I was going to chill out on puppy photos until he was all, "I bet you can't tickle me and tell me I'm a good boy at the same time." And I'm like, "Uh, I totally can."

Really starting to regret teaching him how to take selfies.

11 years ago in Chicago, if you would have told me I was gonna go see a movie written by these two, I would have said, "Cool" but mostly, "Duh." 📷: @emilyvgordon

Well, I can finally show you this. I’m pretty excited to tell you that right now my first stand-up album is available for pre-sale. Like, it’s on iTunes right now if you type in my name. Or on a physical CD if you want one (link in bio). I’m really proud of the album. @vonswank and @jentamforever did a great job working with me on the photography and the layout. @mcmanemayhem at AST is the fucking best. And I recorded it at the Mill in Iowa City, a place that has always been really special to me. I hope you’ll buy it. I hope you like it. Thanks.

call this look "Fire and Fury: The Likes of Which the World Has Never Seen Before." #yayforduguays#thebigduguay

9/26/15. Wow, it's already been 2 years with my favoritest person in the world, mah wahf. Thank you for loving me, @1vickybobby.

11 years ago in my apartment in Chicago, a secret pact was made between Kumail Nanjiani and Mike Holmes where they agreed Kumail would host SNL the night Holmes got married. Saturday they're honoring that pact.

The 2018 Baseball Hall of Fame ballots were just released. I fucking love that shit. I have time on my hands. And I wanted to weigh in before all the baseball nerds starts going crazy with it in January. Since the writers can only pick 10 guys, that’s what I’ll do too. And I chose Bill James’ Hall of Fame Standards numbers to decide what order I’d go in. I could have picked Jay Jaffe’s JAWS rankings for that. Maybe I will some other year. Maybe that last part about Bill James and Jay Jaffe was just to scare away the people who will complain about Trevor Hoffman because they think the save stat means something. Also, I decided I’ll be skipping over the steroid guys and putting them at the bottom of the list. If there are 10 guys I think should go in before them, I’ll call it a day. Sound fair? Let’s start.  

Barry Bonds He goes to the bottom of the list. Let me get back to you on this.

Roger Clemens I’ll have to get back on this too.

Chipper Jones Jones played 19 seasons for the Atlanta Braves. He’s the best N.L. third baseman of his era and the 6th-best third baseman of all time, according to JAWS. Jones is also the 4th-best position player of his era, after Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez and Albert Pujols. Every player with similar stats is either in the Hall of Fame (Mel Ott, Al Kaline, Mike Schmidt, Jeff Bagwell, Billy Williams, Mickey Mantle) or should/will be (Gary Sheffield, Miguel Cabrera, Carlos Beltran, Adrian Beltre). 468 career home runs. 2,726 career hits. He won the N.L. MVP in 1999. The only eligible position player who had a better career is Bonds. This one is easy. My answer: Yes. (1/10).

Manny Ramirez I’ll have to get back to you.

Gary Sheffield Same here.

Vladimir Guerrero  Gurrero played for 16 seasons with the Expos, Angels, Rangers and Orioles, swinging at horrible pitches and still hitting .318 on his career. He also hit 449 home runs and collected 2,590 hits, which puts him in selective company with only 20 other players, all of whom are inner-circle Hall of Famers, with the exceptions of Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Albert Pujols, Rafael Palmeiro, Gary Sheffield, Chipper Jones, Adrian Beltre and Miguel Cabrera. And at least four of those guys will go in once they’re eligible. Guerrero also has similar career stats to Jeff Bagwell, Jim Rice, Willie Stargell, Billy Williams and Duke Snider. All of which makes it really surprising that WAR is not his best friend here.

When WAR is brought into the equation, Guerrero was only the best right fielder in baseball for one season (2005) and even more surprisingly, in the 1996-2011 timespan, he’s only the 4th-best right fielder behind Manny Ramirez, Bobby Abreu and Brian Giles. And he’s the 17th-best position player of his era. JAWS ranks him as the 21st-best right fielder in history, which would be behind Larry Walker, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Dwight Evans, Reggie Smith and Sammy Sosa. Is it possible that old stats love him more than the new ones?

Guerrero received MVP votes in 12 different seasons. He won the A.L. MVP in 2004. And got very close in 2002, 2005 and 2007. If I wanted to be a dick, I’d say Melvin Mora probably should have won in ’04. And I don’t see Vlad as a good candidate in ’07. Nevertheless, Guerrero consistently hit for power and average, only dipping below .300 in his brief call-up in 1996 and not again until 2009 and 2011). And those numbers added up. I mean, Brian Giles didn’t hit 300 HR or even get 1900 hits. So maybe he wasn’t a first ballot Hall of Famer. But I think he should get in. My Answer: Yes. (2/10).    

Larry Walker   Walker played for 17 seasons with the Expos, Rockies and Cardinals. During his career (1989-2005), he was the best right fielder in baseball. He’s the 10th best right fielder of all time, according to JAWS and the best right fielder ever not in the Hall of Fame. During his own career, Walker is the 5th-highest in WAR after Barry Bonds, Ken Griffey Jr., Jeff Bagwell and Alex Rodriguez. His career stats (383 HR. 2160 H. .313 AVG) are similar to Duke Snider, Joe DiMaggio, Johnny Mize and Chuck Klein, as well as Vladimir Guerrero. He won the N.L. MVP in 1997. It looks pretty good on paper. You probably just need to decide if you care that Walker was better playing in the thin air of Denver than he was on the road.

If Walker is an iffy Hall of Fame player to begin with, it’s easy to dismiss his numbers as wind-aided. And there’s also the fact that Walker’s career was plagued by injuries (Walker missed 375 games between 1996-2004). So his counting stats are down for the steroid era - an argument that strikes me as fucking idiotic considering we’d be penalizing a player for NOT juicing, while also penalizing players who did. Also, there are stats that exist to adjust for ballparks and Walker still has an OPS+ of 141 for his career. For players with 1900 Games, that’s still 8th among right fielders after Babe Ruth, Stan Musial, Hank Aaron, Mel Ott, Frank Robinson, Harry Heilmann and Sam Crawford. They’re all in the Hall of Fame.

Also, everyone seems to be acting like Walker (who had three batting titles) was a one dimensional player. The guy had seven Gold Gloves in right. He was considered an exceptional baserunner too, as if that’s anything. And why are we treating Coors Field like it had magical fucking powers over one player? If Coors Field is so fantastical, why didn’t Andres Galarraga or Ellis Burks or Dante Bichette do what Walker did? Why do they play games there to begin with or even count those stats as valid? By that logic, the Rockies shouldn’t even have a team. By that logic, why not just have one team (it’s gotta be Oakland) where everyone is allowed to take PEDs?

The truth is, Walker was an elite player in Montreal. If you’re just going off his full time there (1990-94), you’d probably choose Walker as your starting MLB right fielder over Tony Gwynn. Then he went to Colorado and kept being good. Let’s not complicate things. So he didn’t hit .380 on the road. If he did we wouldn’t even be having this debate, we’d be naming the Hall of Fame after him. My answer: Yes. (3/10).   

Jim Thome Thome played for 22 seasons with the Indians, Phillies, White Sox, Dodgers, Twins and Orioles. He was universally beloved everywhere he went. I don’t know if we need to delve into things too much here. Thome hit 612 career home runs and he’s not suspected of steroids. That’s automatic. But he also has comparable career stats with Frank Thomas, Reggie Jackson, Ken Griffey Jr., Mickey Mantle, Mike Schmidt and Willie McCovey (plus Sammy Sosa, David Ortiz and Fred McGriff). JAWS ranks him as the 10th-best first baseman of all time. I think he should have been the A.L. MVP in 2002. My answer: Yes. (4/10).

Mike Mussina Mussina pitched for 18 seasons with the Orioles and Yankees. And I’d say he was the ace of his staff 12 of those years, which is incredible. I think that if you finish in the top 10 in your league in WAR, FIP and ERA, you had an elite season. Mussina had 10 of those elite seasons, including his final season in 2008. That’s what you call consistency. He finished in the top 5 in Cy Young balloting six different times. And I think he should have won it in 2001. Mussina has similar career numbers to Juan Marichal, Jim Palmer and Carl Hubbell (as well as Curt Schilling). He’s the 28th-best pitcher of all time, according to JAWS (behind Roger Clemens, Jim McCormick and Schilling). And I’d say for his own playing era (1991-2008), he’s the 5th-best pitcher behind Randy Johnson, Greg Maddux, Clemens and Pedro Martinez. He even won seven Gold Gloves at pitcher. The fact that we’re even entertaining putting in Trevor Hoffman before Mussina is mind boggling to me.

I’d guess the one thing bringing down Messina’s chances might be his ERA (3.68). But his adjusted ERA+ (123) might make up for pitching in the steroid era. And not to beat a dead horse, but Mussina finished 3rd in the American League in ERA in 1992, 4th in 1994, 4th in 1995, 6th in 1997, 6th in 1998, 3rd in 1999, 3rd in 2000, 2nd in 2001, 8th in 2003, 4th in 2006 and 6th in 2008. My answer: Yes. (5/10).

Sammy Sosa Let me get back to you on that.

Jeff Kent Kent played 17 seasons for the Blue Jays, Mets, Indians, Giants, Astros and Dodgers. He was the best second baseman in the Majors in 2000 and 2002. He was the best in the N.L. from 2000-2002 and during the course of his playing era (1992-2008), he was the second-best second baseman after Craig Biggio. Kent’s career numbers are also similar to Jim Rice and Ryne Sandberg. His 377 home runs is the most ever for a second baseman. He won the 2000 N.L. MVP, even though I would have considered him 4th-best in the league that year.

Here’s the thing; since everything Kent did seems to hinge on comparing him to other second basemen, his JAWS ranking finally does him in. He’s 20th-best all-time, behind Bobby Grich, Robinson Cano, Chase Utley, Lou Whitaker, Willie Randolph, Ian Kinsler and Dustin Pedrioa. But, hey, he was on Survior and has the dumbest DL stint I can think of right now. My answer: No.    

Edgar Martinez Martinez played for 18 seasons, all with the Seattle Mariners. Even with Ken Griffey Jr. and Alex Rodriguez on his team, Martinez was the best player on the Mariners in 1990, 1992, 1995 and 1999. He was the best third baseman in baseball in 1990. And he was the best DH in 1995, 1996 and 1998. During the time Martinez was a DH (1995-2004), no one was better. And he’s probably the 4th-best DH of all time after Frank Thomas, Jim Thome and Paul Molitor. He’s the only DH to win a batting title and they even named the DH award after him. But first, you just have to decide how you feel about the DH.

I say if American League pitchers (who don’t hit) can get in, so can a DH. At least they play every day. Now that that’s out of the way, we have do decide if Martinez’ numbers good enough. That part’s iffy. No one with similar numbers is in the Hall of Fame. But he did have six elite years between 1990-2000. I would have even given him the A.L. MVP in 1995. And if you look at all players’ WAR during that 11-year span, Martinez would be 5th overall, behind Barry Bonds, Griffey Jr., Jeff Bagwell and Frank Thomas.

Still not convinced? Okay. I already mentioned Major League Baseball naming the DH award after him. That’s gotta be something. And for my closing argument, I’ll use “The Double”. In 1995, Martinez closed out his outstanding ALDS against the Yankees with that famous walk-off double that scored Griffey. It not only sent the Mariners to the ALCS for the first time ever, it also might have saved baseball in Seattle. The excitement surrounding the team led to funding for Safeco Field and the rest is history. There are people in the Hall of Fame for dumber reasons than that. Except in Edgar’s case, you’ve got both Pedro Martinez and Mariano Rivera siting him as one of the toughest batters they ever faced. My answer: Yes (6/10).    

Fred McGriff McGriff played for 19 seasons with the Blue Jays, Padres, Braves, Devil Rays, Cubs and Dodgers. He has similar career numbers to Willie McCovey, Willie Stargell, Jeff Bagwell, Frank Thomas and Billy Williams (as well as David Ortiz and Gary Sheffield). He also had five elite seasons between 1988 and 1994. I actually would have given him the A.L. MVP in 1989. And if he hit 7 more home runs in his career, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion.

In the meantime, JAWS isn’t doing McGriff any favors. He’s 31st all-time at first base, behind Albert Pujols, Jim Thome, Miguel Cabrera, Rafael Palmeiro, Todd Helton, Mark McGwire, Keith Hernandez, Joey Votto, John Olerud, Jason Giambi, Will Clark, David Ortiz and Mark Teixeira. I’d say in his own era (1986-2004), he’d be 5th, behind Jeff Bagwell, Palmeiro, Frank Thomas, McGwire and tied with Olerud. None of that is horrible company. Some of those are steroids guys. Some will probably get in at some point or are otherwise worth revisiting. I just wouldn’t say it’s helping.  

So I have to go back and stare hard at that 493 number and think about the strike-shortened 1994 season, which was ironically the last year McGriff was an elite player. McGriff had 34 home runs through 113 games. There were 48 games remaining, McGriff had only missed one game that far and he was averaging a home run every 3.4 games. Even if he’d slowed down, seven more home runs in 1994 would have been a lock. McGriff may have been relatively forgotten because of the steroid era. But he was positively fucked by that strike.  

If people use ‘Coors Field Logic’ on Larry Walker, why can’t they use ‘Strike Logic’ on McGriff? At least Strike Logic makes actual logical sense. And if baseball turned a blind eye to the very steroid era that erased McGriff from relevancy in order to restore public interest following the strike, that means that not only did the strike fuck the Crime Dog, but the quick fix did too. From 1988-1994, McGriff was the 4th-best position player in overall WAR after Barry Bonds, Rickey Henderson and Cal Ripken. After that, everyone started pumping themselves full of growth hormone and bull semen or whatever until leading the league with 35 home runs seemed more like something that would happen at the All-Star Break. McGriff has been wronged. I think that should be corrected. And I hope he wears that foam Tom Emanski cap on his plaque. My Answer: Yes. (7/10). 

Curt Schilling Schilling played for 20 seasons for the Orioles, Astros, Phillies, Diamondbacks and Red Sox. And he’s a fucking asshole. But that’s not really in question here. Schilling was elite for 8 different seasons between 1992 and 2004. He has similar career stats to John Smoltz and Don Drysdale. JAWS ranks him as the 27th-best pitcher of all time (only behind Roger Clemens and Jim McCormick for non-Hall of Famers). In his career (1988-2007), Schilling is the 5th-best, overall in WAR behind Clemens, Greg Maddux, Randy Johnson and Pedro Martinez. He has 3 rings. He has the Bloody Sock game. And he’s a fucking asshole.

I guess starting public feuds with sportswriters isn’t always the best idea when those same sportswriters vote for these kinds of things. He’s also a Born Again Christian Creationist and a Trump guy and a Breitbart guy and a homophobe. And he’s also apparently challenging Elizabeth Warren’s Senate seat in 2018. And he’d probably be a nightmare to the steroids guys on the Veteran’s Committee. Plus, you know his Cooperstown speech would be a goddamned spectacle. And then you start to think of reasons to not vote for the guy. But I honestly liked him as a color commentator on ESPN and I have to keep telling myself that all his extracurriculars have nothing to do with what he did on the mound. He’s still an asshole though. My answer: Yes. (8/10).

Johnny Damon Damon played for 18 seasons with the Royals, Athletics, Red Sox, Yankees, Tigers, Rays and Indians. And he stayed healthy and got a lot of hits. 2,769 to be exact. He was never an elite player or an elite center fielder (I’d have him 5th in his own era behind Andruw Jones, Jim Edmonds, Carlos Beltran and Mike Cameron). He was rarely the best player on his own team. He just happened to get a lot of hits. That puts his career numbers similar to guys like Paul Molitor, Tim Raines, Roberto Alomar, Robin Yount, Lou Brock and Roberto Clemente. But they all had other reasons for getting in. Damon is the 22nd-best center fielder of all time on JAWS. He’s less like those Hall of Fame players than he is Vada Pinson or Steve Finley. I loved some of his big moments on the Red Sox. And his hair was fun. He’s just not getting in. My answer: No.      

Omar Vizquel Vizquel played for 24 seasons with the Mariners, Indians, Giants, Rangers, White Sox and Blue Jays. He played in 4 different decades and was the last Major Leaguer born in the 60’s and the last to play in the 80’s. This one is difficult because WAR is not Vizquel’s friend. He was never the best player on his own team. He wasn’t an elite shortstop, overall in his own time. JAWS ranks him as the 42nd-best shortstop of all time. And I don’t feel like naming all the non-Hall-of-Famers ahead of him. In his own lengthy era (1989-2012), he’d be behind Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter, Barry Larkin, Cal Ripken and Jimmy Rollins. So what argument is there?

Well, Vizquel has almost identical stats to Luis Aparicio and Rabbit Maranville. Aparicio even allowed his number to be un-retired when Vizquel went to the White. Sox in 2010. He’s also got similar stats to Ozzie Smith, Luke Appling, Pee Wee Reese and Nellie Fox. He was a defensive specialist in an era of big, slugging shortstops. And he has 11 Gold Gloves to show for it. Oh, and on top of that, he collected 2,877 hits over that long career.

But was he Aparicio? Aparicio got MVP votes in 10 different seasons. He finished second in 1959. He was a 10 time All-Star. He led the league in stolen bases his first 9 seasons in the Majors. On top of that, Aparicio had 9 Gold Gloves. From 1956-1973, Aparicio was second in WAR among shortstops to Ernie Banks. Vizquel didn’t do those things. I think I gotta hold off for now. My answer: No. But I could change my mind.

Scott Rolen Rolen played 17 seasons for the Phillies, Cardinals, Blue Jays and Reds. He’s one of the 3-5 best defensive third basemen of all time and, I’d say, the 3rd-best overall third baseman of his era after Alex Rodriguez and Chipper Jones (who will also be on the ballot for the first time). Rolen has a ring with the 2006 Cardinals. And according to JAWS and WAR, he’s the 10th best 3rd baseman of all time. Which all sounds great on paper. I just don’t know if it’s good enough.

Chipper Jones should get in before Rolen. So let’s take Chipper out of the equation for just a second. Rolen was only the best player on his own team in 1997, ’98 and ’04. He was only the best third baseman in baseball in 2002 and 2003.  Of the top 10 similar players, only one (Ron Santo) is in the Hall of Fame. His Career Standards Number is a 40, which would make him below average for a Hall of Famer. 316 career home runs and 2,077 hits are good, but not great for his era. And although he ranked among the top 10 in the league in WAR in 1998, 2002, 2003, 2004 and 2006, I would have only considered him a legitimate MVP candidate one time and that’s 2004, when I would have considered him 7th. Now it’s okay to go back and remember that Chipper Jones is also on the ballot.

It’s hard for me to look anyone in the eye and say the 10th-best at any position shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame. But then again, Ted Simmons, Bobby Grich, Bill Dahlen, Kenny Lofton and Larry Walker, not to mention Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Pete Rose, Manny Ramirez and six relief pitchers would all be in the same boat. Maybe that shoulder injury that nagged him throughout his prime got the best of him. But I think he’s gotta sit out at least this round. My Answer: No. But I could easily change my mind.    

Jamie Moyer Moyer played for 25 seasons with the Cubs, Rangers, Cardinals, Orioles, Red Sox, Mariners, Phillies and Rockies. That’s an insane amount of seasons. Moyer is the only pitcher to throw shutouts in four different decades. He became the oldest player to do a lot of different things. I mean, he won 100 games after he turned 40. It’s crazy. Especially with that 81 mph fastball. I think Moyer is a great story. And I loved his resurgence on the Mariners. But he’s the 19th-best pitcher of his own era and 132nd all time. I’m impressed. I just wouldn’t put him in the Hall. My answer: No.    

Carlos Lee Lee played for 14 seasons with the White Sox, Brewers, Rangers, Astros and Marlins. He hit 358 home runs in his career, but was the 13th-best left fielder of his own era and 72nd-best ever on JAWS. No.  

Johan Santana Santana played for 12 seasons with the Twins and Mets, where he was usually the ace of both teams. He won two Cy Young Awards in Minnesota. I think he should have easily won three (the voters fucking BLEW IT in 2005). His peak is phenomenal. His career numbers are not. So you need to figure out how you feel about about that. Just try to keep in mind that a lot of more worthy pitchers (including Roger Clemens, Curt Schilling and Mike Mussina) aren’t in yet.    

The go-to guy for a high peak without the career stats is always Sandy Koufax. But Koufax was putting up WARs of 9’s and 10’s. In Santana’s four-year reign of dominance, he had three seasons with a 6.7 WAR or higher and four total with a 5 or higher. That’s really good. But Dwight Gooden did that. Kevin Brown did that. Curt Schilling was above a 6.7 four times and above a 5 WAR six times. And if you just want to start listing guys who were above a 5 WAR on four separate occasions, we can throw in Fernando Valenzuela, Bret Saberhagen (5), Frank Viola, David Cone (5), Mike Mussina (10 fucking times), Kevin Appier, Andy Pettite and Javier Vazquez. I mean, Felix Hernandez has done it five times. Clayton Kershaw has already done it six times. Chris Sale has already done it. And if that many people have done it, it’s not quite great.

Fittingly, Santana is the 6th-best pitcher in WAR over the period of 2000-2012. JAWS ranks him as the 85th-best pitcher of all time. Nobody with similar numbers is in the Hall of Fame. Who knows what would have happened if not for injuries, but fans can still look fondly upon Santana for the first no-hitter in Mets history (even though Carlos Beltran should have broken it up in the 6th), the even-better 17-strikeout, 8 inning gem against the Rangers in 2007 with a 95 Game Score (the highest ever for a non-complete game), the Major League Triple Crown win in 2006, that insane second half in 2004 and that devastating changeup. Unfortunately, he’s just not a Hall of Famer. My Answer: No.                    

Andruw Jones Jones played for 17 seasons with the Braves, Dodgers, Rangers, White Sox and Yankees. He was hitting home runs in the World Series at 19. He was considered fat, washed-up and lazy by the time he was 30. And yet, he’s the greatest center fielder of his era (1996-2012), he’s the 7th-best overall position player of the same era and he might be the (gasp) greatest defensive center fielder of all time. And he has 10 consecutive Gold Gloves to show for it. JAWS ranks him as the 11th-greatest center fielder in history. Imagine what he would have done if he wasn’t lazy.

First, we probably need to get past the fact that Kenny Lofton (10th on JAWS) and Jim Edmonds (15th) didn’t make it past the first ballot. In Lofton’s own era (1991-2007) he was third in WAR to Ken Griffey Jr. and Jones, himself. In Edmonds’ era (1993-2010) he was second to Jones. Lofton was more of a stolen bases guy. Edmonds has no ‘black ink’ type of honors. Andruw Jones has a home run and an RBI title from 2005, when he hit 51 bombs. He hit 434 on his career. This is a defensive specialist, mind you. His WAR7 peak is 9th-highest in history (everyone above him is in the Hall, except for Mike Trout), while Lofton’s is 13th and Edmonds’ is 17th.

On top of all of that, the Braves made it to the post season every year from 1995-2005. Jones was there every year since ’96. And if you look at the WAR of every Brave from 95-05, Chipper Jones is first with a 57.3. And Andruw Jones is second at 55.0. If you make it 96-05, when he was actually on the roster, Andruw beats Chipper by 0.5 runs. He also beats Greg Maddux (50.0), John Smoltz (39.7) and Tom Glavine (27.1). They're all gonna be in the Hall of Fame. Why not Andruw too? You know, either that or we’re gonna have to wait until 2023 for Carlos Beltran to get in at center field. Or like, whenever Mike Trout retires. My answer: Yes. (9/10).

Wait. Okay, let me go back to Scott Rolen for just a second. I starting to feel bad that I said yes to 4 guys (Edgar Martinez, Andruw Jones, Vladimir Guerrero and Fred McGriff) who had lower career WARs than Rolen's. I also said yes to 3 guys (Jim Thome, Guerrero and McGriff) who had lower peaks than Rolen's. I didn’t like Rolen’s counting numbers (316 HR, 2077 H) but I’d say yes to Martinez (309 HR) and Jones (1933 H). He’s also higher on the JAWS ranking than Martinez by 0.8 points. No, Rolen’s not Chipper Jones. And there’s no award named after him. And he didn’t save baseball in Seattle. And he’s not the very greatest defensively at his position. And he didn’t win an MVP or come painfully close to hitting 500 home runs. But if I’m gonna stay consistent, I have to put him in. Yes. (10/10). I feel okay about that.

On the morning of our final day in Ecuador, we were supposed to go to Mindo to see cloud forests and butterfly gardens. I’m still not exactly sure what that means but it sounds magical. Unfortunately a mudslide blocked the highway that goes from Quito to Mindo so we had to come up with a Plan B.

That plan ended up being pretty good too. We ate breakfast at yet another good place and headed to Foundation Guayasamin and the Chapel of Man, the former estate and museum of 20th Century Ecuadorian artist, Oswaldo Guayasamin. We also got a pretty good look at Ecuadorian warplanes zooming past in some military exercise that made Ecuadorian Twitter blow up with rumors and jokes about an invasion by Peru. I was like, “Oh no.” But mostly, “Wait, Ecuador has an air force?” Because I don’t know things.   

I’d honestly never heard of Guayasamin before this trip either, but as we looked around the outside of his rap video mansion overlooking Quito I couldn’t help thinking, “This is where a fucking artist lived?” But honestly, isn’t that the secret goal of every artist - to die in a sprawling castle and then turn it into a museum to honor their lives? I dunno. Maybe not.

The first thing the tour guide had us do (after telling us no photos were allowed) was head to the living room to watch a video of Guayasamin explaining why he wanted to turn his home into a museum. It was essentially the ramblings of a self-important old man concerned about his own legacy. And his purported motive for the museum was to keep his ever-so-culturally-important masterpieces in his native Ecuador. I wasn’t buying it yet.

The first thing about the tour I found interesting was that Guayasamin had a pretty impressive private collection of pre-Columbian art. When we went to Olga Fisch Folklore a couple days before, the upstairs of the shop was also a private museum, which also included pre-Columbian art. And I believe both museums claimed that Fisch and Guayasamin collected the artifacts after just sorta finding them on the streets around Quito. That sounds bananas to me. But then again, just outside the Temple of Man, there was an accidental archaeological dig they supposedly uncovered in 1999 on the same day Guayasamin died. So maybe you could just walk around the streets of Quito in the 30’s scooping up 400-year-old statues. Weird. 

The bedroom of the mansion also had a glass display case of 50-or-so pre-Columbian ceramic statues (possibly Moche?) all in various sex positions. One was straight-up body contortion. I feel like if our tour guide was worth a shit he would have talked about them. Instead he smiled awkwardly like everyone had that same display in their house. Yes, my personal erotic pre-Incan collection strictly features “the sledgehammer”, “the wheelbarrow”, “butt stuff” and of course, “regular.”

Before we entered Guayasamin’s work studio, the guide showed a wall of photos with the artist and various political leaders. They included multiple with Fidel Castro and one with Mao Zedong. The tour guide pointed to Chairman Mao and asked if I knew who it was. I did. Then I asked, “So, Guayasamin was sympathetic to communists?” And the tour guide just goes, “Socialists” and kept walking. Like, he was fucking correcting me. I was really confused. One, because those guys are definitely communists. And two, because Rap Video Mansion.      

Everything changed when we watched another video. This time it was of Guayasamin painting a portrait of flamenco guitarist, Paco de Lucia. And it was fucking incredible. As the sounds of de Lucia’s furious guitar played in the background, Guayasamin seemingly matched that virtuoso intensity, slabbing paint onto his canvas and chain-smoking cigarettes until a stylized rendering of the master appeared on the canvas. I turned to Victoria and said, “Okay, that was awesome.” And it didn’t hurt that the actual painting was right behind us. I also started to worry that I might like flamenco guitar music now.      

The tour of the mansion concluded with a small gallery of Guayasamin’s work, as well as a gift shop. Apparently the tour guide told my sister he remembered her from the last time she was at the museum and that, this time, she could leave two tips. One for the tour we just had and the second for the last time she didn’t tip. Looks like he’ll be asking for three next time. 

“Socialists.”  

Next we walked a few yards from the socialist rapper mansion to Guayasamin’s Chapel of Man, which was a more extensive collection of his works. He’s pretty fantastic, to be honest. If I wanted to be a dick, I’d say that it looked like he saw a copy of Picasso’s Guernica once and spent the rest of his career trying unsuccessfully to copy it. But I guess I also felt the same way about Carlos Paez Vilaro when I also visited his quirky mansion/museum in Uruguay. Like, “Boy, he sure does like Picasso.”  

That’s not to say I didn’t like either artist. I think both are fantastic. So I don’t know if I begrudge both men for getting wealthy by being derivative or if, in this case, I just wanted to punch the tour guide and found the artist to be pretentious and hypocritical. I mean, the name of the building is the Chapel of Man. And there was supposed to be an eternal flame dedicated to those who died defending human rights. In front of his goddamn rap video mansion. Ah, forget it. People are complicated. And the dude’s paintings were badass. We all bought a bunch of shit in the gift shop.

“Socialists.”

On the way back home, we stopped to take some photos of some more pretentious art of the more self-aware variety. There is a group of vigilante graffiti artists in Quito known as “Accion Ortografica” who go around with red spray paint and fix the grammar and punctuation on other graffiti in town. It’s kind of genius and it’s even spawned copycat groups in other cities. Apparently, the crew consists of dudes who go by Dieresis, Tilde and Coma. Which is nerdily hilarious brilliance. Here’s a Guardian article about them from 2015.  

Oh, and my sister just told me that the underwear tagger’s name is Apitatan. And a quick Google search of him quickly informed me that I had vastly underrated him. His murals are amazeballs and I instantly followed him on Instagram. It’s even possible that the fact he has that much ability and still tags quickie drawings of men’s underwear around town makes me like him even more. However, since he doesn’t feature any of his undie pics on his website or anywhere else, I can’t really be 100% sure they’re the same person. But I do want to believe.   

The last thing we did before heading off to pack was a visit to the neighbor’s house for a home cooked lunch of seco de gallina, which was requested by my sister. It’s Ecuadorian comfort food - chicken stew, rice, avocados and plantains. My mouth was all, “Aww fuck yeah.” And the neighbor told us a probably-apocrvaphyl story about the origins of the dish’s name (since ‘seco’ means dry and the dish is a stew) involving English speaking foreigners asking for a second chicken. Or something. Whatever. The shit’s delicious.  

In the neighbor’s house, there were also tons of original artwork of Eduardo Kingman, another Ecuadorian great and a contemporary of Guayasamin. The neighbor told us Kingman was the better of the two. I asked how an artist could possibly afford to buy what would have been a $20 million mansion in Los Angeles. And the neighbor said that after Guayasamin gained notoriety in the art world, nobody could buy any of his artwork for less than $35,000. Plus, according to the tour, the dude was just cranking out paintings. The one I saw of de Lucia took under an hour.

So my next logical question was how Guayasamin could square away having all that wealth with his SOCIALIST leanings. “We used to say Guayasamin was a watermelon,” the neighbor laughed, “Red on the inside. Green on the outside.” And there it is.    

In summary, Ecuador is one of the most diverse and fascinating places I’ve ever visited in my life. As frozen in time as a Quechua-speaking tour guide, still angry at the conquistadors. As modern as a crossfit gym in Cumbaya. And that’s still with us just scraping the surface of the overall country. My sister and her family are the best people in the world for showing us as much as they could in a little under a week.  

We saw an overwhelming fuckload of roses, multitudes of llamas (and even one to eat), we haggled with indigenous weavers, I had the best meal of my entire life while braving the altitudes of an active volcano, tested my fear of heights in a neo-Gothic basilica, did DX crotch chops on the fake equator, got diarrhea from dead baby bread and got sunburnt at a volcanic spa. I still want to see the Galapagos. And I do think Guayasamin deserves to be a little pretentious.

“This is the coldest I’ve ever been with sunburn.” That was something I actually said the night after a supposedly-relaxing day at a volcanic hot springs spa in Papallacta.

For the first four days of the trip, I was pretty proud of how I handled Ecuador’s infamous altitude, especially during the day we braved the treacherous heights of Cotopaxi. But less than 24 hours after my body rejected colada morada, it also rejected sitting in hot tub water at 11,000 feet. Too hot in the hot tub. I had to get out of the pool and take a breather while a nice man gave me a pitcher of lemonade.

Other than that, Termas de Papallacta is probably the best place on Earth. It has a bunch of different pools and varying temperatures, from Fuck, That’s Cold to Shit, That’s Hot. And if you can get past how you look in the mandatory swim caps, as well as your own body image, you’ll find the surroundings beautiful and the mountain views breathtaking. Just like, stay hydrated and wear sunscreen.

After a morning of basically hot tubbing and skin burning, we took in the winding, waterfall-riddled road from Papallacta to Cumbaya, an upscale suburb of Quito that was so hipster, I was kind almost shocked it actually existed. And I live on the East Side of Los Angeles.  

Just to give you an example of what I’m talking about, we pulled in to lunch at a restaurant called Mercado Mixtura, but we arrived 30 minutes before it opened, so we looked around the complex of former industrial warehouses to find hot yoga, a pole dancing studio, a crossfit gym, a rock climbing wall, art classes, a wine bar, a chocolatier (which I already told you will be my new ‘thing’), a barber shop that serves booze and a fucking Kangaroo Jumps popup studio. And I’m not even cool enough to know if that’s awesome or terrible.

Lunch was fantastic as per usual (my sister can really pick ‘em), but the main takeaway I got from that trip is that I’m almost furious I’d never had an alfajor before in my life. Che Alfajor, an Argentinian (I’m guessing, since everyone in Argentina calls each other ‘che’) alfajores factory/store was also in the complex and I will probably spend the next few weeks attempting to find out where in California I can get more of that. I mean, I actually checked Che Alfajor’s website to see if they ship that shit here, but unfortunately for me, esta en construccion.

Yes, the name sounds like Alpha Whore (derived from an Arabic word and it’s probably also a new riot grrrl band in Cumbaya you haven’t heard of yet) but an alfajor, or the Chilean/Argentinian/Uruguayan version of an alfajor, is two cookies held together with dulce de leche and then covered in white or dark chocolate. Just typing that made me want one so bad that I found out I can check out places like J. Mendoza Bakery, a Peruvian joint in Huntington Park or Grand Casino Bakery, which is Argentinian and in Culver City. I think just might.

After being (probably?) super cool in Cumbaya, we wanted to check out the probably-not-cool town of Nayon, the Garden of Quito. At least I think that’s what it’s called. You can’t really Google this shit in English, but Nayon (if that’s actually where it is) is like, a big long strip that has nothing but greenhouses. 

Have you ever seen that model/activist lady on Instagram who turned her Brooklyn apartment into a psychotic jungle of plants? Summer Rayne Oakes is her name. My plant-loving wife showed her to me. Anyway, she supposedly spends $100 a month on plants. In Nayon, you could make her apartment your bitch for $9.99. I think Victoria would be there every weekend if we lived in Quito. I’d probably be scarfing down more alfajores.

On the way home, we were talking about all the street art in Quito. And one tagger, who must live close to my sister’s neighborhood, seems to just spray paint images of men’s briefs over and over again. And I kind of love them for it. I’ve tried for way too long now to figure out who they are on Google, but, again, it is impossible. There was actually a Guardian article from 2015 on my very favorite graffiti crew in Quito (who I’ll get to tomorrow). But Underwear Banksy will have to remain nameless for now.