Brian Jordan Alvarez

not to hate

Into what you actually want

Opening like 

Tiny windows

Into what you actually want

Opening like 

Tiny windows

Into what you actually want

Opening like 

Tiny windows

Into what you actually want

Opening like 

Tiny windows

Into what you actually want

Opening like 

Tiny windows

Into what you actually want

Art

And I’m not talking 

About

Bad things I’m talking about

Lights

On the tiles

Moments; the feeling of flying, sunsets that I never thought I could,

But then they come again.

I remember,

15,

The smell of the air,

Coming down Sewanee mountain in the back of a red Ford Focus,

A maniac teen driver, a brilliant entity,

And the smell of the air,

And the smell of the air,

And I knew

I didn’t want anything. 

And I knew,

That was the ultimate feeling and coincidentally,

That same year

I swear it was

We were learning

Laundry washing

I can hear it

Like a modern waterfall

High rise apartment

Wood floors

High ceilings

Cold city

Hot heaters, off, cold

Hot coffee, with milk, warm

Cute mug; blue pattern, like a lace, like an argyle sweater

Wet laundry, you can hear the water pouring over it, in this way

Big competition

Winning

Winning at life

Because I am

2019, October 15th

I have been awake most of the night, thinking

I had an extraordinary conversation with Peter yesterday 

I was walking around Berlin, he was on the phone in New York

We always get all the way to the bottom of it

To the center 

Where it all started

He made me want to make films again, maybe

Which I won’t, or who knows

Something about

Something about

Making art

And clinging to reality, or to moments, or to caring how things are

Which is immature

The best

Is to let it flow through you; it always was

Always is

And this is false

And this is false

And this is false

And we are here, writing poetry

Adrienne rich

Is that how you spell it

I don’t believe in art

I believe in life

I believe in this cold coffee sitting right in front of me

In this hotel lobby

I believe I am alive right now

And Peter said

We have to make friends with

The fear of death

And wasn’t that what I was talking about

All those years ago

Sitting in front of my acting class

Hair blonde

Saying that to die, is the scariest thing, and it’s not scary at all?

And that after you realize that? Then you’re free?

I think the hangup

Is that

Perhaps

Being an a”dult”

Is to believe

That to die

Is not the scariest thing

The scariest thing

Is anxiety

Or jail; being bound and annoyed for a long period of time, worried really

Which is all we ever are when we’re worried about being worried

I remember saying

To Jesse einstein

“I figured it out

We get nervous, about getting nervous.  We’re nervous that we’ll get nervous”

Similarly

We are worried that we’ll be worried

Or annoyed that we’ll be annoyed

I don’t know if I wrote that

I’ve been up all night.  

There’s a sandwich sitting in front of me, in a box, it’s cut into halves, triangles

Like at a seven eleven

In this hotel lobby in 

Berlin

And there’s a boy in my bed upstairs

Who I like

And maybe I came to Europe

To get a breath of fresh air

In a moment 

That feels

So tight.

It’s always 

Filmmaking stuff

That uses all my fucking money

Lenses

What a waste

If they’re gonna make it for real

You’re not gonna need to buy