b.louis

am i terrible awful no good for having achieved so little in my life? unemployed single sexless in poor health and seemingly unable to get better. is there a moment where i went wrong? could i have prevented my current state? how much of an author am i of my own life?

but then i look around and see so many in similar or worse states and know they worked as hard as me to try to make life work for them, but the systems we toiled away in broke us because they are broken. i cannot fathom holding my fellow unfortunates liable for their misery. nobody would choose this. we landed here. we were pushed and dropped. we tried to cling to something, and some of us are lucky to have gotten grip of some semblance of the normal hallmarks of life. some of us managed to keep relationships stable, or find a source of income, or maintain our health or housing. some of us luckily has padding available when we fell, in the form of support networks, past savings, etc. but so many of us have nothing. i am lucky. i can live at home. i have a source of income, even though its maybe 10% of what I used to make and very unstable. my physical and mental health erodes with each passing month, but i'm hanging in there. but still i get so sad and frustrated.

it is hard to find reason or purpose in poverty. is there a lesson i should be learning, or am i just suffering without cause? I have an extraordinary capacity to persevere, but how much longer am i meant to tolerate? I don't know what else to try to pull myself out of this trap.

so what am i supposed to be feeling? should i be in the throws of anguish and woe? should i find peace and happiness at the lowest point of my life? should i be angry? but at whom?

i read about the others going through their lowest and my heart breaks. i can't cry for myself, but for them i am choking back tears. i am numb to my own suffering but ache at the thought of theirs.

it fucking hurts my heart because this it never had to be this way. i couldn't imagine not feeding the hungry, tending to the sick, sheltering the unhoused. i would help others if i could. i do what little i can. should i be doing more?