insoddisfazione.

But if i keep this job, bye bye art school, bye bye art dreams because I would have no time neither energy for what I want to do.

One one hand, survival and harsh reality... On the other, hopes, dreams and reasons to live... No matter what I choose sounds bad. If I try both, like I am currently trying to... Burn out and losing both around the corner...

Everything feels true at the same time and I’m just standing here like ??? cool cool cool.

My best friend was supposed to pay me back today. I even gave her extra time because I knew she was struggling. Tried to be understanding, tried to be soft about it.

But now it’s the 15.

And I need that money for a bill.

So now I’m split like a badly written plot twist.

One version of me is pacing in circles like:

“if her words don’t mean anything then SHE doesn’t mean anything. cut her off. block. vanish. become folklore.”

And the other version of me is sitting there holding a tiny emotional teacup like:

“you love her kid. you love her family. are we really about to go nuclear over $177???”

Meanwhile I’m in the middle like:

girl… pick a personality.

And I know exactly what this is.

This is that part of me that expects disappointment like it’s scheduled. Like my brain already set a reminder:

“hey just a heads up, they’re probably gonna let you down 💕”

So when it happens, even a little, it doesn’t feel little.

It feels like:

oh. of course.

there it is.

I knew it.

Disappointment doesn’t knock politely for me.

It kicks the door in wearing abandonment issues and starts rearranging furniture.

So yeah, my brain goes extreme real fast.

“If she didn’t follow through, she’s not shit.”

But if I slow down for two seconds… that’s not actually what I want.

I don’t want to lose people.

I want people to mean what they say.

I want to not feel dumb for trusting someone.

That’s the real wound. Not the money. Not even the situation.

It’s the feeling of “was I stupid for believing you?”

So right now I’m trying something different (and it feels illegal, honestly):

just… facts.

I asked respectfully.

Today is the agreed date.

She hasn’t responded yet.

I don’t know the full story.

That’s it. No dramatic music. No burning bridges (yet). No main character meltdown… okay maybe a small one.

I’m trying not to let a triggered moment make a permanent decision.

Because maybe this isn’t a “cut them off” situation.

Maybe it’s a “wait, communicate, and then decide if trust needs to be… downgraded to the free trial version” situation.

Anyway.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be here,

experiencing emotions in 4K ultra HD,

trying not to delete entire people over a single scene.

character development is exhausting.

Siempre termino sintiéndome mal, incluso de las cosas buenas.

then a woman knocked on the door and said "oh I'm so sorry he's a therapy dog he's trained to seek out people in severe distress"