MAUVAISE FOI

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

”#.” R.I.P., early Twitter feature. We’ll bury you next to your friend, the FourSquare check-in.

adverbs. Ban all adverbs. They’re mostly just gulp words, really.

"all the things."

"because [noun]": (i.e. “because science.”)

“brogurt.” No.

“classy.”

"controversial tweet." There’s just no way to make this sound dignified, and besides, it leads to think pieces.

"cronut."

"crowdsourced."

"derp." It’s been an emotional ride, but it’s time to send this one off on the ice floe.

"disrupt." Luxury car apps aren’t disruptive.

"Donald Trump is considering a run for…" No, he’s not. He just isn’t. And if you’d like to get him unearned publicity, you should at least get some stock options out of it.

"doubled down." Unless the candidate did it while biting into a delicious sandwich, let’s just say the candidate “reaffirmed his/her position” on transportation funding or burrito drones or whatever we’ll be discussing in 2014.

"…favorited a tweet you were mentioned in." No one has ever wanted to know this.

"gaffe.” It’s going to be a long-enough election year as it is.

"game-changer." What you’re describing probably won’t change the game. But if it does, would you want to spoil the moment with a cliche?

"Guy Fieri." What if we all decided to just never mention him again? Would he disappear?

"hashtag." This refers to the spoken utterance of the word “hashtag,” often accompanied by air-quotes. People can see you doing this.

"hipster.” Wearing glasses is not something people do because they’re hipsters; it’s something people do because they’re nearsighted. People don’t drink hot chocolate because it’s a hipster thing to do; they drink hot chocolate because it’s literally liquid chocolate. Yes, I wrote “literally.” That’s what happens when you use a word so casually and carelessly in think pieces as to render it meaningless.

"I can’t even." You can. Dig deep. Find your Kentucky.

"impact." (When used as a verb.)

"…in .gifs."

"…in one chart." We’re aiming high in 2014. Two chart minimum!

"listicle." This is the last one.

"literally the worst." Actually, while we’re at it, let’s ban "literally." Literally is the "not the Onion" of fake things.

"millennial." Young people are living with their parents because their parents’ generation destroyed the global economy. Next.

"nondescript office park." As opposed to the Frank Gehry ones.

"not the Onion.”

"Rethuglicans, Repugs," "Republikkkans," "Demoncrats," "Dumbocrats," and every other variation thereof. Please just use the normal proper nouns; you can add whatever modifier you like before or after.

"selfie." But what do they tell us about our society, in the digital now? Let’s ask James Franco.

"Snowfall." (In the future, a high-cost digital production that doesn’t live up to the hype shall be known as a "Skyfall.")

"the Internets." This was a George W. Bush joke or something, right? You can still use the Internet—just drop the “s.”

"This Town."

"thought leader." Mostly beaten out of existence, but don’t think we didn’t notice that Paul Allen interview, Wired. You’re on notice.