my diary

You were lying on the couch, scrolling mindlessly on your phone when you stumbled across an Instagram gossip video.

"Hayden Christensen might have a girlfriend?! The Canadian actor was seen with a woman at a farmers market earlier today. Fans are speculating."

You sat up, feeling your stomach twist and anger crawl up your spine. He was with a woman? While he was dating you? You felt sick.

You hated how quickly doubt crept in. Hayden had never given you a reason not to trust him, but seeing his name next to someone else's face made your chest feel tight in a way you couldn't ignore.

The video kept replaying in your mind even after you locked your phone. The same sentence echoing in your mind over and over.

Hayden Christensen might have a girlfriend.

The apartment went quiet, the only sound being the ticking clock on the living room wall. You tried to distract yourself, scrolling, pacing and anything else that came to mind to try stop thinking about the image of him beside that woman.

You were pulled out of your anxious loop when you heard the familiar jingle of keys in the front door.

Hayden stepped inside, keys jangling softly as he shut the door behind him. He looked tired, like he'd had a long day. But, the moment he saw the look on your face, his brows furrowed.

"Hey.." Hayden said slowly. "What happened? Is something wrong?"

You didn't answer right away, your brain too muddled with conspiracies to form a coherent sentence. After a moment, you reached for your phone and handed it to him, opened on the video.

Hayden watched the video, confusion crossing his face and then annoyance. "You believe that?" He asked.

Your stomach twisted at his words. Deep down, you knew the video was fake. But right now, you need the reassurance. "Shouldn't I?" You finally got out.

Hayden's expression hardened slightly. "It's a rumour."

You took a moment to take his words in, momentarily calming down before the anger built up again. "A rumour where you're walking around with some woman like you’re on a date with her." You retorted, taking a step closer to Hayden. "You're doing that while we're supposed to be together."

"Supposed to be?" Hayden repeated, his voice rising and jaw tensing. "We are together."

"Then why do I have to find out about this from the internet like you’re hiding something?" You demanded. "Why does it look like you’re living a completely different life outside of this apartment?"

"Because I have to!" Hayden shot back, anger rising in his tone. "I have to keep a certain image when I'm out in public. You know that. I can't have people finding out about me being gay and about you. Don't act like you've suddenly forgotten."

"I haven't forgotten." You muttered in reply. "Could never forget how you're too much of a pussy to show the world your real self."

"Really? Are we stooping that low?" Hayden replied, eyes roaming your face. "You think I don't want to show you off? Bring you to events, hold your hand, kiss you in public without worrying about my career?"

"Oh your career. I almost forgot that it's more important than me." You shot back.

"I didn't say that." Hayden grumbled.

"You wanted to." You reply. "I love you and I don't want to a secret anymore."

Hayden's jaw tightened. "Love doesn't stop bullets." He snapped, his tone bitter. "Love doesn't stop headlines, love doesn't stop smear campaigns, love doesn't stop hate and love sure as hell doesn't stop two men from having their teeth kicked in if they walk too close."

Hayden let out a deep sigh at your silence, he knew that what he said was harsh. But it was truth. "I'm not suicidal, and neither are you." He said gently. "I can't be public with you, but I love you. I am yours, you are mine. No matter what. Even if we're the only people that know that. Okay?"

"Alright." You reluctantly replied with a nod.

Hayden's calloused fingers glided along the bare skin of your arm, listening to the ragged breaths leaving your tense body. Hayden was quiet, knowing that one wrong move, one wrong word, one wrong breath would make you leave. He had to be careful.

Y/N coming to him after a heavy falling out with their family felt better than any kiss Hayden could lay upon their aching lips. It meant they trusted him, really trusted him.

His hand moved up your arm, hovering over your collarbone and jaw as he made his way to your hair, hesitating before burying his hand in it. He risked everything doing that.

He felt the short strands, the abused strands where you were missing a few hairs, uneven and slightly jagged. Hayden wasn't new to this, he knew how your hands would grip and pull at your hair when you were stressed. He wanted to say something, wanted to let his partner know that it was all okay. But he didn't. He didn't know if he should.

"I'm sure they didn't mean it." Hayden said, letting the words slip before he could catch up with his mouth. He felt his heart move to this throat as Y/N immediately sat up, pulling away from his touch.

"I'm sorry – I didn't mean to say that." Hayden quickly said, grabbing a handful of your shirt to keep you close. His touch was desperate and voice pleading.

"I can't believe you would say that to me. I thought you understood what just fucking happened to me, Hayden. Fuck." Y/N curses, running a frustrated hand through their hair, feeling the abused strands of hair scratch their palm. A painful reminder.

"I didn't mean it, Y/N. You know that." Hayden says, moving up behind Y/N to ghost his lips over the curve of their ear. "Cmon.." He whispered into Y/N's ear, trying to lighten the mood by annoying them.

Y/N huffed, shoving Hayden back a little with their shoulder before they got up from the bed and turned to face Hayden. "Can you just use your fucking brain for one second? I don't want to be loved on, I want some understanding." Y/N said, raising a hand to mess with their necklace. You didn't mean to snap at Hayden, but you needed Hayden to stop trying to be a good boyfriend and to just listen.

"How do you expect me to understand you or what happened when all I know is that you had a fight with your family?" Hayden retorted, his jaw clenching for a moment before he forced himself to relax it. No, he would not get mad at you. He understood you.

"Sorry. I just care about you, Y/N. When you're so tense.. it puts me on edge. It makes me anxious. I just want to hold you." Hayden said, looking up at Y/N through his lashes, his eyes soft with understanding.

"I know. I know.." Y/N mutters, sitting back down on the bed. "It's just hard to process. I know you want me to talk and want to touch me.. but please just lie with me please. For now. I'll talk later." Y/N says softly, subconsciously bracing for rejection.