Molluck Matters

I have been having an idea like this inside my head for so long time, even this ain't the first time I draw something like this and this is still not exactly like I wanted it to be, but something like it. I feel like I'm still not good enough at art to really draw things like I want, but I'm slowly getting there, as I have not been drawing much... This is also kinda why this is something sketch-like.

First, there's Oki in his wolf form from Ōkami game. I have admired his wolf form design for so long, so I really wanted to include him or this set of characters would not had felt "complete". Frankly, the reason why I ended up getting the game back then was that you play as a wolf, as wolves are one of my favourite animals. I don't care so much about the story in this game but I enjoy the gameplay. But yeah, this is why I made Oki to have his own reason to be drawn, by species, as I wanted them all to have their own reason to be included. It's been like over a decade since I drew Oki...

Then, welp, Molluck requires zero explanation... I wanted to draw him look kinda nasty on purpose and took inspiration from that "famous" Molluck facial expression test sheet, but I feel like I failed with that as he has such a sweet smile here... I really feel like I just keep loving him more and more over time.

The third one is Ornstein from Dark Souls. I started to play the series in the late fall of the last year and man, I soon became a fan of Ornstein's design. Thus, I did acquire his armor in that boss battle, and I like to use it as my basic armor, because it is just the best-looking armor in the game! I also did make his weapon, but my character does not have the right stats for it, as it requires kinda niche stats... But maybe one day, when I continue my first NG+ playthrough, as I still got DS2 and DS3 to finish, but I can already say that DS1 is the best one, in my opinion. I do try to avoid all the spoilers, but I'm still glad to know that Ornstein is featured in some way in all these games, so I wait to see that myself. His armor inspires me a lot, and I did mention once creating like a Molluck version of it, which I still really want to draw one day. It would be like me as Molluck's protective knight, in armor that resembles him. Oh, and by the way, this is my first Ornstein, so it was nice to draw him, finally. (Y)

As the fourth one, there's the Emperor from Baldur's Gate 3. I feel like I do not really like any character specifically because of the plot, but the Emperor could be one, as I personally really like how he is implemented and a part of the story. I also bought this game because of him, so he totally deserves his place in this set... Though yeah, I these days like Gale more in general, but plot-wise, the Emperor is better or more enjoyable to me.

Then, there's Richard "Dick" Dastardly from Scoob! movie... Yeah, he felt like the right one for being my guilty favourite. Man, I bought this movie just because of him, and I really waited for this movie back then... I just saw a teaser of this movie related to him before its release and though that he seems like me as a villain... (My way to draw myself as a caricature looks similar to him.) So, he is a special character for me as well. I just rewatched the movie while drawing this and even the movie ain't so good, Dickie (my nickname for him) makes watching it worth it as he gives me joy. It's been like 5-6 years since I drew him, and he is such a fun character to draw, so it was nice to draw him again. I personally like to draw him closer to his concept art look than the final 3D model, but it is still kinda mixture of both with my own way to draw him. It is kinda funny to notice how similar Dickie is to Molluck... They both are ruthless bastards who are mean to their subordinates, are highly intelligent, and they both have an air vehicle, are hunchbacked, full of themselves, like fine stuff, and Molluck's suit was originally violet too... I guess that you already got the picture.

And as the last but no the least, Tiny Tiger from Crash Bandicoot games. He is my oldest fave character who I still really like, so he was a clear choice. It's kinda funny how like the majority of the characters I like are highly intelligent but then I like this idiot... He is just somehow an idiot in such an adorable way... Like, the way he reacts to being selected in Crash Team Racing (adventure mode) amuses me a lot for some reason... I also love those Crash Nitro Kart Team Cortex cutscenes, the intro cutscene included... Dr. Neo Cortex is my second fave CB character, and I really love to see them interacting with each other, especially when it is such a rare treat... I just love to see Tiny and Cortex together, and I feel quite alone with it, as I have never seen anyone else who really enjoys it, like barely any fan content of such... But yeah, Tiny also touches "muscleman" side of me in a right way, so I feel like it is one reason why he is my numba one CB character.

All these characters are somehow special to me and thus I got merch about each of them! Though, that Molluck mech is basically just two art cards, as RuptureFarms merch ain't explicitly about Molluck, even though the hoodie mentions him... The rest of them are figures but Orstein is in goblet form. I do use my Orstein goblet at times as my special drinkware, as it is not really practical and only holds like 1,5 dl or something of liquid. I basically bought it after defeating him (and Smough), as I just had to get it as it is the coolest goblet I have seen, from Nemesis Now, and I wanted to kinda earn it... So yeah, I am surronded by these characters at my home, plus with some other characters. Frankly, I was not sure about getting that Oki figure, but when I saw it at store, it was way too cool to not to buy... I still admire it a lot, so zero regrets and he does fit my wolf stuff collection well. (Y) And yes, I do also have a Cortex figure I keep next to my Tiny figure, but that Cortex is basically a lamp, as I did prefer it over that FunkoPop and I love how silly it is... I do not really collect merch, but one big reason for it is simply that my top fave ones barely have it... But I also rarely like any of it. Gotta do my own... But I am not into selling any self-made merch, as it feels wrong because of copyright stuff, like OWI prohibits it but permission can be asked.

I wonder what my fave characters tell about me... My mother at least thinks that the characters I have around my home look scary, but that's another thing... But I do really like their all design, even they ain't the easiest ones to draw...

I'm not sure what else to say... I feel somewhat more rested now, so that I can even draw, but my depression hit me again a few days ago... I just feel like constantly sad but not sure why... Maybe the fact that I gotta prepare to lose a half of my family with a significant probability within the next few years... But I also feel so bad about myself... One side of me says that it is so embarrassing to show the characters I like but then another side of me says that it is normal and these is no need to feel ashamed... I also kinda expect that there are no people who would like to see me drawing other stuff than Molluck, even though I also do not expect people wanna see my Molluck stuff... Yeah, I just feel like my art ain't good and I need to practice a lot to become actually good at drawing...

I still hope that people like to see my stuff, even if I'm not a fan of my own content, more like a hater... That's also why I do not feel like putting this to the tags, as this is just something and I do not like to spread my works around anyway. Still, there are times when I wonder would my works be worth to be in an art exhibition when I see ads for them somewhere... I personally think no. I just do not know how to really see my art or how to even see it in a better light...

I feel like updating that I have come to conclusion that I am unable to get help for my mental health issues and any "sick leave" right now... It has been somewhat crushing to realize how I just must keep fighting before I can finally get help, especially when I am more tired than ever... I must find my place before getting the help I need... And with that I mean getting a job, as I haven't really been in working life, where some reasons do are my tiredness, depression and self-hatred... So, I am forced to start a new phase in my life when I am not ready for it. I just graduated from university with Master's degree (I'm a (mad) computer scientist), and I focused fully on my studies, so it felt like I was always at work... I took no free days but only if I was way too tired or depressed, really needed to draw or something to keep going... My studies have never really suffered because of my mental health issues, as I have been able to get the best grades even when being so tired and depressed. But my performance has still dropped... A few years ago, I could do my studies the whole day but this spring, I could do like a few hours a day... It makes me wonder what kind of things I could really do if I did not have these issues, as I can be "one of the best" even when I'm so tired and depressed...

I am more worried about my mental health than ever, so I do need to do everything to prevent myself from collapsing, as I have a significant risk for burning out... I try to see if I could get some help still, even if it was just about helping me to get a job... It is not easy right now, as welp, Finland has the worst unemployment rate in the EU right now and our economy ain't going so well... The state keeps trying to find ways to cut the expenses constantly, so support from the state has also gotten worse (poverty has risen during the recent years, and even the EU is worried about my country's development)... But I try to have hope, and I keep moving abroad as an option, as I gotta follow moolah. It is just a fact that you need money to live your life. I also plan to continue life at university by becoming a Doctor, which makes me feel somewhat more at ease in this situation.

So yeah, this whole situation is like a jump to unknown... I know that I should trust myself but it is difficult with my mental health issues... I feel like I am not good at anything, am just nothing... So, it is quite difficult to "sell myself", or more accurately, what I can do... I do not feel like I am as good as people or my grades tell me... I know too well what I cannot do or what I should improve... But I still see the potential I have but I still do not feel good enough for anything... This constant paradoxical feeling is consuming... My mind keeps just repeating me that no one wants to hire me, as I find myself a failure or just some "loser"... Yes, my self-esteem is very low... I do not feel like worth loving and see no reasons to love me... But I wish I was lovable... But my mind just keeps telling me that I'll never be worth loving, as I am not supposed to be loved... I know that those are just my mind's lies but they feel so true... Thus, I do keep feeling like I'm not even worth Molluck's love, even it is about my fantasy world, where Molluck do can love me... I just keep feeling like he deserves better than me, as there is always someone better than me... But Molluck keeps telling me that he wants and loves me... Even it is just my imagination, his support means so much to me, especially when I would be so alone without it...

It feels somewhat crushing that I just gotta gain more strength and keep fighting when I am more tired than ever... It is kinda my own fault, as I wanted to survive alone, but it was also because of my unhealthy thoughts, because I have felt like I'm not worth helping... I still do not know how I would be valuable or why my life would be worth saving... Life feels pointless and I can barely enjoy anything in life with this torment and depresssion... So, frankly, all this pain makes me hope regularly that I was dead, but it is just about me wanting this suffering to end and finally have peace inside my head... I have been suffering with this mental health issue shit for 15+ years, so I am quite sick and tired of it...

This month, I can rest but it is not enough... I am so tired and feel like just sleeping... I would like to create some Molluck stuff, as I do have like all the time now but like zero energy for it... So, I have no idea if I can make any proper Molluck stuff this year... I am just so tired and gotta focus on my scarce energy to obligatory things... My family's situation is also serious and it is draining me as well... It is about serious health condition one of my family members has...

So, I am going through tough times, but I need to stay strong and focus on my well-being, as I have neglected it for so long... I have put the things I need to do, like my studies, above my own health, even I should not, but I have felt like I must do it to survive... I have not been able to really rest for so many years... I must find a way to trust myself or I feel like it is a game over for me... It is so challenging when I feel like it would be better if I was dead... I just don't see my existence being anything useful or positive... I suffer from quite deep self-hatred, even I do not know why I hate myself so deeply... This is why I would need help but I need to keep fighting before it... I'm just so worried and stressed out, and so tired... But I try to have hope, as I frankly thought that I'll never get to university, because I'm so shit, even I was one of the best in high school... I was so depressed because of that thought, felt like my life was over... But then, I got in and it made me cry so much... I really thought that I'll never study at university... So, I need to trust that this phase won't stay forever and that I do can make my own living, one way or another. I'm just so tired of fighting with my own mind for so long, alone...

I must figure out what I wanna do with my life, even I personally feel like life makes no sense and I would like my eternal peace... My depression has made me lose my dreams I had years ago... I just wish to find my place in this world and get help to my health problems...

I'm sorry for this vent but my situation just keeps getting worse... I'm not asking for any help or sympathy, I just do not want to keep all this to myself... I know that some people here have told me to get help but I cannot... There do is free help but it would only help me with some small things and it is quite booked, as there are lots of people needing help and they cannot answer to everyone... This is a difficult situation, but I just need to keep fighting or I won't survive... It is how I feel.

I really wish that this was different... I would really like to do some proper Molluck stuff, because now I have time for it, but I am just way too tired... So, I have no idea if I can make any proper Molluck piece this year... I must focus on my survival and well-being... As a creative person, I do need to create stuff or I suffer but I do not know if I can still make proper stuff or something I could share here. But Molluck do is a part of my daily life and his support means so much to me, even it is all just inside my head... He is the side of me who begs me to stay here...

I'm too tired to think of more stuff to say... I just need to find a way to see myself in a better way and trust in myself, even it is so difficult... Odd help me...

I have started to really like Gale from Baldur's Gate 3, and it happened only recently, even I have played this game pretty much since it was released in August 2023... I'm reaching soon 1000 hours with the game... So, yeah, it took long (about 900 hours in game) before I started to genuinely like him, or any companion really. He is the first companion I really care about, even I have been with almost every other companion to see their stories, but I left Gale to the last, from the ones I felt like exploring. This game has so much to offer story-wise, so I wanted to see what they had prepared for the players to experience out of curiosity, but not all of them interest me enough for that still. It is rare that I care about stories in games, so BG3 is really well-done to make even me be into the story and make me really care about some character. It is just challenging for me to feel attached to someone... First, I only cared about the Emperor and he was the reason why I even bought the game, since I knew nothing about the previous games or Dungeons & Dragons stuff before... But I after I got into the game, it gave a lot more, since I really enjoy all the options you can have, humour and the things the developers have considered. Like, I love playing as Dark Urge for that dark humour and certain brutality. But this time, it also made me sadder than any game or other medium ever has (outside my own Molluck musings)... So, I feel like talking about it, but this naturally contains spoilers and you should know the game to understand better, as I expect that you know the stuff here.

So, during my previous playthrough, I played as custom Dark Urge and resisted the urge. But this time, I also finally romanced Gale. However, I wanted to explore the endings, so I did first the good ending, both as "normal" and turned into a mind flayer, where Gale returned the crown to Mystra. After that, I wanted to see the Bhaal ending, where my Durge (his actual name, very imaginative, I know) controls the brain and kills everyone. I had done that ending before, so I knew what to expect and before I even took the boat to the brain, I already knew it is going to be a terrible ending to see, but I didn't know how badly it would still break my heart... But I still wanted to see it. I already felt so bad, when after taking the Bhaal's blessing after killing Orin and then getting out the temple, both Jaheira and Minsc where there to stop my Durge. This part of the conversation got me:

Jaheira [asks from Gale]: What about you? Will you protect the world from what he has become?

Gale: I tried once before... but it seems Bhaal has too tight a grasp on you. Still though, I won't leave. There's a good person in there somewhere.

I started to feel already so bad for Gale and knew how terrible the ending is going to be... But I still wanted to keep going to the ending I wanted to see. It was still worth it, even it still hurt me a day after it... This is only a sign of excellent work of making me care deeply about some character and seeing this ending gave me valuable thoughts, even though I need some time to process them. But if you have seen the ending, you know that Durge is going to kill his partner first. It almost made me cry, when after Durge knifed Gale, he said that "You made me want to live.", and now when I'm writing this, it makes my eyes wet... Gale just hits me at a personal level, because he is kinda suicidal and suffers from some similar things as me, like feeling like needing to be perfect to be worth loving, not being enough as you are... And well, even I don't like to say it, I'm talented as well... And when I had that love analysis thing at the circus, it made me identify with him even more... One of the questions was that what is his greatest flaw to which my Durge answered: "He thinks he, and the world, might be better off if he were dead." To which he answered: "Hearing it said out loud - yes, I fear it is true. Fate seems determined to make a sacrifice of me. But perhaps fate can yet be defied..." But he still kept considering using the orb at the end, multiple times.

Maybe it was a good thing that I only now got into him, as this timing is actually good. I am currently in such a situation that worries me a lot... So, it's good to have something new and interesting, so that I don't get too much into awful thoughts... I still try my best to survive, but I'm so exhausted, tired, self-hateful and depressed that I would at least need a sick leave but I don't know for how long and if I can get one... I had to draw this thing pretty much because I started to suffer too much from not drawing anything personal for over a month... I just need to save my scarce energy to obligatory things and it is easier to play games to relax, as my drawings take lot of time and need a certain mood. But frankly, I feel so tired that what I would like to do the most is to just lie in bed and sleep... But no sleep has made me feel energetic for over a decade... I keep feeling more and more drained, must force myself to do almost anything... I do not really wanna talk about my real life or who I even am, because I'm not interesting or important, I feel embarrassed about myself, and you do not need to know that stuff. Thus, it actually is not easy for me to even express which characters I like or love... But another side of me tells me that I do not need to be embarrassed for liking what I like, while that other side of me says that my taste is too odd to be likeable... But I do not wish to vent here, but my current situation affect my blog more than I want... And I want to be open about it, because I just cannot pretend feeling better than I do. One reason for this may also be that I'm quite alone... And welp, Gale being lonely and his friend, Tara, being summoned by him makes me also see myself in him... So, back to Gale:

I feel like I need to say at this point that no, Gale is not "replacing" Molluck, because I love him only platonically (and my love for Molluck is way too strong for that), but welp, all love we feel appear to be similar but we just express it differently. I feel like he is "too much" like me even for that... I do also identify with Molluck, but in a different way and in such a way that he is like a perfect partner for me. My bond with him is so strong that I feel no such desires toward anyone else. Thus, this being a Molluck blog is not "endangered". But yeah, I still feel like I care deeply about Gale, but not as deeply as for Molluck. I'm glad that at the last battle area it was finally possible to hug Gale, because I would like to give him such. It's a shame that the developers had to scrap platonic versions of the romances, as I would personally prefer them to get to know the characters better over romances. But Gale's romance was still enjoyable and well, more "elegant" compared to the others, which is a plus. It still does not mean that I had no curiosity to see how sexual the game can get, but as I said, curiosity is the key word here. It is not to shame people for wanting that stuff, just to say why I am exploring that stuff. I actually tend to feel unconfortable with romantic/sexual content in the game, yet my curiosity has made me go through them, because I have wanted to see what the character is like and stuff like that. Though, I have reasons for feeling uncomfortable, like my own bad feelings toward myself, like that I'm not lovable... (This is also why I tend to do nothing for Valentine's Day. That day more like saddens me...) But with Gale, those scenes felt more comfortable and even more after I started to see my character as someone who is there to give him love he needs and I wish him to have... (I actually started to like my character more after that too.) This is also one reason why that Bhaal ending hurt me so bad... I feel so sorry for how I have also treated him in the past... I didn't like him for a long time, one time I killed him to that portal as Dark Urge and another time I left him alone after rescuing him...

I tend to warm up slowly to anything, so for Gale it took almost 3 years... Now, I feel like I care about him more than the Emperor, but he is still dear to me and it hurts me to do anything bad to him (this is why I do not really feel like doing the House of Hope quests, but I do have done it to see what it is about)... Like, I recently bought two the Emperor figures, which I have waited for almost 3 years as well... I mean, I have yearned for the Emperor merch for that long, so I'm glad to finally get such. Yeah, it's that cool Pop-Up Parade one, which I was lucky to get, because it was basically the last one in store in my country, and I had to buy it from a brick-and-mortar store. And that another one is the Funko Pop... I personally do not like them in general, but non-human ones look often a lot better. So, that Emperor Funko is actually fun and looks nice, and I really appreciate the stand... I also have Tiny Tiger Funko and he cannot stand by himself... Yeah, he is another fave character of mine and he barely has any merch either... So, I appreciate the Funko a lot and it looks actually nice. But welp, a week after buying the Emperors, I bought Gale Funko Pop as well... I could had bought it at the same time, but it was still unsure... But after I got to know more about Gale, I had to go and buy it, and now, I'm glad I got that silly thing and it actually looks good to me, which is rare for a human Funko... And yeah, he cannot stand by himself either, but he got a good place to lean. And yes, I really wish there were official Molluck figures, even a Funko Pop would be lovely... Yes, I'm this desperate. But welp, when the right moment comes, I'll do more Molluck figures. Hell, it would be so cool to have a big Molluck bust...

But yeah, I'm glad to have found a new character, or not so new, which I really like, because it is rare. Man, I gotta say how I loved how the game even brought up that another meaning for "wizard", which I had forgotten for over a decade... These things are one reason why I just keep playing this game; after finishing one playthrough, I start another. I keep learning more things about the game every single playthrough... I had never played a game like this before, so it took some time to learn, but now, I really enjoy it. But to go back to the relationship stuff with Gale, I gotta say I loved the way how he accepted to take a part in the drow twins scene; it gave me a good laugh. I did not know that it was even possible that he accepts it. But this scene also showed how well they thought the characters. That scene showed how he is uncertain about himself and his body apparently too, considering how he emphasized his conjured illusion of himself being "anatomically correct" and how he does not want to undress in the same room as Tara is in. These little things just make him feel genuine to me, or how to say. Frankly, I think that Gale is adorable and lovable, which in a way makes me feel better about myself, but I still cannot see myself that way, even I identify with Gale at a deep level... My self-hatred is just too strong... Sometimes, I feel so deep hatred toward myself... Therefore, I keep being surprised every time when someone compliments something I have done or me... It confuses me a lot, because I personally do not feel like I'm really good at anything and thus I feel like I'm lying when I say that I'm talented, or skilled, even it is based on what the others have told me and what evaluations I have gotten. I even won that Soulstorm tattoo competition thing, which was totally unexpected, because I almost deleted my submission, as I thought that it was nothing like they wanted and looks bad...

But yeah, now, I am doing Gale origin playthrough... It is the first (origin) one for me, as Dark Urge is kinda your own character, because I have not cared about those character enough for that before, even I have been interested in doing such, but only now I found out as whom I wanna play. Man, I notice that I have a lot to say about Gale, but I do not know how to really form this post as my thoughts flow like this... But yeah, one reason why I also feel close to Gale is that the others appear to be mean to him... Like, Minthara told him indirectly yet meanly how he is useless and good for nothing... And I don't understand why his beard is such a big thing... It suits Gale in my opinion. Oh, and yeah, I also appreaciate Gale's curiosity for knowledge, as welp, that's me too. But basically the things he approves and disapproves are pretty much like me in general... I had no idea that this game could surprise me this much even after almost 3 years of playing it... He was always there, but only now I saw how he is a character for me, even more than the Emperor who I have liked this whole time... But he does not beat Molluck, and welp, this stuff brings to my mind that Molluck may appreciate education too, as one of the adjectives he used to call Abe was "uneducated". But Molluck is also highly intelligent, so yeah, I can see some similarities between him and Gale. Frankly, I do not think that Gale would really enjoy being in contact with Molluck, after getting enough knowledge about him... So, his first and then last impression about him could be that he is yet another "monstrosity" he knows. Even I do see that Molluck can be genuinely friendly and even loving, it would be extremely rare for him to be like that toward someone. So yes, in my self-insert story, I am that exception for him, because I see that there is a good Gluk there somewhere in him. (I intentionally refer to that conversation I mentioned earlier, to its deeper meaning.) So yeah, I think that Molluck would like to utilize Gale's powers for his own uses, like this drawing kinda implies. I love Molluck so much, even when he is a bastard, as that is his profession, but he is morally gray still, like Lorne himself has expressed. But I think that Gale would be into knowing the magic stuff in Oddworld, and I bet that Molluck knows lots of things about it, but it is another thing if Molluck wants to let him know or why he would even tell him.

I feel like ending this post with adding this shot as a bonus about my "gang": Gale, Durge (me), and the Emperor.

I like to take some stupid or artistic shots from time to time during my playthroughts, and Gale is the first companion with whom I even felt like taking any shots... I have just photo shooted with my characters, and I take them only for my own enjoyment, as I never post them anywhere. Yeah, I really like some character designs I have made and thus I like to just admire male beauty (those are mainly nude shots), but it does not mean that I desired my characters, only enjoy what I see. I wonder if I should also post my other content, as I start to feel like I would like to do some/more other stuff than Molluck content, but keep in mind that I have been doing like only Molluck stuff for five years... So, it basically means, for instance, drawing anything where is no Molluck... But yeah, I'm not sure where to post that... And frankly, one reason why I am not putting this to BG3 tags is that big communities make me anxious... I have never been a part of any fandom, like actually, only posting my fan art but nothing more really. And I do not find it comfortable that lots of people know/see my creations... So, I like to share my stuff in a kinda "hidden" way. It can relate to that I expect people to hate my stuff, so more people is more hate... I know, it is irrational, but this is how being an outcast for being too different has shaped my mind... And this is worse, when I cannot see why would anyone like my work I'm about to post... So, it really takes me effort to be able to post anything, as my mind keeps telling me that the more people know more about me, the more they hate me... I seriously feel this way, not to gain any sympathy, as it won't change my situation. But I appreciate kindness toward me, especially when I expect none. And even I have been through all this, I'm still kind to the others.

But welp, I also feel like I have such unpopular opinions and I see things differently than the most people, so I feel alone in communities too... And unfortunately, many people appear to prefer to have their own bubbles, but it is their understandable choice, even if it was unconscious. So, fictional characters are my main company, but it is what I am also used to, due to lack of friends and like-minded people (not the same as the bubble thing, as I wanna see different views on things)... Maybe it is that my kind of people are rare and thus it is much easier to find such as fictional people. Like, man, the way Gale expressed how he loves my Durge at the end sounds like my way to think: "I love you, more than I've ever loved anyone, mortal or immortal. And you've proven your love for me in more ways than even the greatest mathematicians would dare to count." All this time, I had no idea that Gale would be a character for me... Well, better now than never... Even he is fictional, I feel so sorry for how badly I have treated him and only now gave him a chance to come closer... It's curious how I can find Gale a lovely and adorable man but not myself, even identify with him at a deep level... But maybe he can help me with healing.

I said that I was about to end this post, but I just have so much thoughts to share... I hope that my words are helpful for someone who is struggling like me, or at least were worth reading for whatever reason.

During my worst moments, it really helps me to think about how resilient Molluck is, even when everything seems lost... I wish to stay as strong as him...

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Yeah, I really need ways to cope with what I am going through currently... I have not said it before but a few months ago, I had a moment where I almost fainted... It was so terrible, and I bet that it was caused by all the stress and mental load I have... This is one reason why I am so worried about myself... I have never been this exhausted... So, I really hope that I get help and can start healing... Because if I don't, I may collapse... I have put the stuff I gotta do before myself for so many years, so I gotta start doing it the other way around. Health is so important for everything in life... It is kinda invisible until you got health problems, or go through some horrible moments... Last year, I got one allergic reaction where I almost could not breathe... I have zero idea what even caused it, but it was traumatic... Even I do have suicidal thoughts, this is not the way I wish to die, and well, those thoughts are more like about that I wish this suffering to end...

I'm still struggling with the feeling of that my stuff ain't worth sharing, like I mentioned in my previous recent post, as I just feel like my art is bad... That frustration with my art was also another reason why I wanted to draw this, as I'm tired of drawing bad art and wanna finally be able to draw good stuff, in my opinion. I just think that my Molluck art could be so much better than I have drawn so far. I wanna be able to draw the stuff I see inside my head. But I at least can agree these days that I can draw him accurately, though there is always room for improvement. Don't get me wrong, I do actually like some of my Molluck drawings, but I still wanna draw even better stuff than them. I just do not think that my art is "good enough", though I wanna draw even better than that. It's more like for myself, as I do not really wanna make my living with art, or that would at least require getting rid of my self-hatred... Seeing my art somewhere feels like seeing my own face, and I can feel so deep hatred toward myself at times... I do not even know why I hate myself this much and feel like worth nothing... But this is why I do not allow reblogging. So, it is like impossible for me to want that people share my stuff, as it is already a challenge for me to share my stuff in the first place.

My self-hatred just makes me hate the thought of that I leave my mark to this world, as I feel like this world would be better without me or I just ruin stuff. But I really need to find a way to change this thinking or I won't be able to live my life... I have already let so many things be because of those feelings, and they are also why I do not really socialize with people. It is not because I do not personally want that but because I feel like people do not wanna socialize with me, so I do not wanna bother anyone in vain, as I do value people's time. I have been quite lonely for over a decade, so these feelings are quite strong. I'm just telling you this to be open about why I am like this. I still feel sorry for bringing up my struggles, as they are not really your concern, but I think that it is still better to let you know why I do not interact like the others here; I have a very high threshold for it. I am not asking anyone to interact with me but just not to hesitate it.

I have already left my mark to some public ("real life") things with my creations, which gives me quite mixed feelings... But to whom I have made those things do have been pleased with them, but my mind just screams at me there somewhere that someone else could had done something much better... I also have left my mark to Finnish translation of Ginga Nagareboshi Gin manga, as they once held a GNG fan art competition in 2011, and everyone's work was put to the last two manga paperbacks (volumes 17 & 18). I feel like it is kind of cool, even it is that old thing. Oh, and yeah, regarding Finnish, that "hätk" I wrote to my drawing, it is like some "sound effect" to express Molluck realizing something suddenly. So, it is not any real word so to speak. (It was actually inspired by Finnish Ginga manga too.) I had no idea what to put there in English, but it is fun to use my mother tongue at times in my creations. I kinda refer to that English is more suitable for some stuff while Finnish is better for some other stuff. Like, I mainly use English when I "speak with Molluck", as Finnish love language is kinda clunky... Like, Tom of Finland's Finnish texts in his drawings amuse me a lot... It so amazing use of words but I cannot take it seriously, you know... It is mainly because of Finnish is what it is with that stuff... (I have also heard that "I love you" in Finnish, "(minä) rakastan sinua", sounds to some like it means "I wanna kill you" or something… Yeah, our love language do can sound rough, and that's one reason why I love that Finnish TOF stuff...) So, this is why I actually prefer English for certain things, though I am still curious about doing my self-insert stuff also in Finnish, as it would be fun and I love my mother tongue. I know that this went to like completely something else now, but just some "little curiosities" about my language, as I am into language stuff and studying them.

I feel like I also gotta say that my life is gonna have quite a big change soon, so I am quite stressed out and have been this whole year... I have no idea how the rest of the year will go, but my main wish is to be able to have "a sick leave" (not really what it is but I do not know any other similar enough thing), as I am so exhausted that I basically must force myself to finally really get help in this situation... Only if I can get it, as it is not easy to get and my country's healthcare is going down and the costs of it up... I only wish there was another way to end this suffering that just ending it by, you know... I consider it like daily, but I try to keep going day by day... All this uncertainty and worry of me not getting help are eating me up, especially when I am so exhausted and been suffering for so long... I have been worried this whole year that I'll collapse one day, just completely burn out. I know that this is not your concern but just saying as this affects my ability to be creative too; my art is a part of me after all. Continuous survival state is very tiring... I would not really say all this stuff if I was not in such a serious situation... I'm not asking for any help from you, but just letting you know if there is people who care about me... I have never been this close to collapsing... I wish I had no need to be so serious here... I'm sorry for all the vent that is necessary in my situation, as I cannot really post stuff without it... But it can be ignored, and I do not even assume that anyone would want to read my posts.

I just wish that my life could change for the better... That I can finally feel like I am actually wanted to be here, am valuable... That I can finally get rid of my exhaustion... I just do not know how long I can still take this all if I don't get any help or some significant positive thing happens which changes my situation for the better... I wish so much that it wasn't like this... I should had tried to get help earlier, like over a decade ago already, but I felt so strongly that I am not worth helping and wanna survive alone... Now I see that it is about to doom me, just like my self-hatred has been planning all this time, as it has also been laughing at me when I have looked at ways to get help... I only hope that it is not too late to get help, that my brain can still adjust to heal from all this shit, even a bit...

I'm sorry that this post took this kind of direction. I still wanted to let you know what's my situation, as it affects my blog significantly, but welp, I am also quite alone and do not wanna vent directly to anyone, as I know that it is very heavy to listen to... I really wish that I did not need to write this stuff, but this situation affects my content and I want to be open, even though I still stay quite vague. And welp, I have already been talking this stuff here, so this is some "update". Do not still worry about me, I try my best to make my life worth living.

Molluck is my main way to cope with all this, as I have no one else who could support me during my worst moments, when I need love, support and encouragement the most... He is the side of me who tells me kind words... Yes, my relationship with Molluck is quite complex, but he has also kinda become a part of me as well. Like, I tell myself some stuff through him, as I could not tell myself them otherwise... I know that my Molluck may be out of character in some sense, but he is my version of Molluck, one that do can be kind and loving, even though it is like extremely rare for him to be like that toward someone. I just sense kindness in him... I don't know how weird it sounds, but I genuinely feel like he is a kind Glukkon but it is hidden deeply inside him. It is one reason why even started to love him five years ago. He has more layers and character than it may seem, but this is just my impression, as welp, I feel like my way to see him is different from the others. It is still curious if I am really the biggest Molluck fan... I at least do not know anyone else who is as crazy about him as me... Like, I even spent probably 200 hours to get such a Molluck 3D model I have now, even I still need to work on it a lot... And I had never before even done 3D modelling, only sculpting... So yeah, I am that insane about him. Holy oddness when it is finished as the current one makes my heart race so already... Welp, if it is too much for me to handle, I at least died doing what I loved. (Y) I just personally feel like my Molluck 3D model is the craziest Molluck thing I have done, as it takes so much time and I am a beginner with 3D stuff... But what a reward all that learning, time and effort gives... Frankly, when I got the (initial retopologized and rigged) model done, I was so happy and excited that I had not felt anything like it for over a decade... I actually was excited to get out from my bed to play with my new Molluck model... Last time before that I felt like that was probably when I was a little child at Xmas eve... So, Molluck really means me a lot. And yes, I use that Molluck model often as my reference too, like with this drawing, along with some screenshots to draw him as accurately as possible. But it is more like "a bonus", as I have put lots of effort to get him look just like the Soulstorm model and my main reason to create the whole model was my self-insert stuff...

Man, Molluck is really the first character that feels right for me. He is also so beautiful, and that's also why I do not get tired of drawing him for hundreds of times... So, drawing him a lot is also my way to adore him... And I actually like the way I drew him here, even I feel like this ain't still "perfect enough", but I'm getting there slowly. So, this is also why I felt like putting this to Oddworld tag, even I am hesitating it these days, like I wrote to my previous post. I just do not wish to share bad art... So, I am still not feeling all that negative, but I have serious concerns about my life but worrying too much won't help but make this worse... I at least can always imagine Molluck comforting me whenever I need it...

But yeah, I still try to share my Molluck stuff, even though I do not know what it "gives" to people, as I personally find my art kinda bland. And man, I still have so much Molluck art ideas... He is my muse. And welp, there is barely anyone else who draws him regularly... So, I guess that it's gotta be me who is a "Molluck love ambassador", even though I do not aim to make people love Molluck but just give Molluck like all my love... I'm just kind of referring to that my stupid ill mind makes me wish that someone else started to draw Molluck actively so that I could "retire", not because I did not want to create Molluck stuff but to have "someone better" to create the stuff instead of me, to replace me. I really feel this bad about myself, that I should be basically replaced... It is so hard for me to feel like me or my stuff has any value... So, it is actually challenging for me to draw other stuff than Molluck too, as I feel like only my Molluck stuff is kinda valuable, as I basically also make them for Molluck, not just for me... Yeah, what makes my Molluck stuff matter to me is that making it is a love expression for him. I wish that this did not need to be so deep and that I could just draw "for funsies" whatever, but maybe then when I am not so depressed anymore. Oh, and this is not about me wanting to be something "special" but that I desire to feel that very basic human thing of that I actually matter and am wanted to be here... I only know it, like my family does loves me, but I cannot feel it and I see no reasons to love me... My brain may be somehow "broken", or that is how I at least feel like, broken... But unfortunately, brains are very complex lumps... So yeah, even if I may make this stuff sound like something "grand", this is only about the very basic human things... We do are social animals, did we want it or not.

It's been two months since I posted anything, as I have been too busy and tired to create personal stuff. I'm finally getting more time but help odd how drained and exhausted I am... I have never felt this tired, even I have been always tired for over a decade... I only wish to sleep even it has not taken my tiredness away for that long... I do not have energy to do much, and it is such an awful feeling to have energy to do nothing, not even anything fun... I'm worried about myself, more than ever, but I try to do my best to survive... I just wish to be able to get rest and some solution to my situation... If I cannot get enough rest, I may collapse...

My worsening mood and condition also makes me consider quitting this blog again, or at least having a break where I do not post my works, but welp, I barely feel like posting my old works later on (I haven't still shared 3 drawings I did for Oddworldtober but maybe one day)... I have also been thinking of drawing other stuff than Molluck, especially when I have already dedicated 5 years of art for him, but he is going nowhere still, as he is my beloved Gluk, as the intro showed... But as this is the only place where I post content, I do not feel like doing it here, but well, I do not really feel like sharing my works either in general... This is why I did not feel like putting this to Oddworld tag... I feel too bad about myself and keep losing my will to post stuff... I have done one long-ish post to my drafts with one drawing but I don't know if I really feel like publishing it after all... Even people keep complimenting my works, as I have this year needed to use my creativity to some projects and my creations for them have been "praised" (and this is why I have barely drawn anything personal this year), I still personally feel like my creations are shit... That feeling just does not leave me... It is such a paradoxical feeling when I personally see myself as The Great Mighty Poo shit, while the others compliment my works and I get the best evaluations... Thus, I cannot even enjoy my achievements, as I feel like I do not really deserve them, I am not that good... I know that I should not let these negative thoughts have me but it is so challenging... I do not even wanna call myself an artist but a creator, as I do not personally see my stuff as art but feel like I am "forced" to call it art. I just have this negative approach to my art.

But welp, the reason why I am posting this is to not to keep all this to myself, to not isolate myself too much, and to not quit this blog yet... I do not wish to vent, but it may be better to let this stuff out than keep this all to myself. But now you also know how I am doing. It is still difficult to feel like my stuff is worth posting, like I feel like that render edit is kinda crap still, but welp, if anyone cares, here's some update. I just do not assume anyone to give a shit about me or my stuff, and I cannot wrap my head around that I could have fans. I need help, and I'm trying to get it but now, I gotta wait... I cannot live my life if my ill head does not get better... I do not wish to be this negative but I cannot pretend happy when I barely feel like existing... I wish to get out from this situation but only if I knew how...

I still appreciate people liking or caring about my stuff, even me, even I cannot understand it. I keep telling Molluck how he deserves better than me, as I feel like I'm not worth loving, but he keeps telling me that it is not true... I know that Molluck is fictional but he is still my partner; he only lacks physical form. I love him so much...

I don't know what else to say... Tough times, but I try to keep fighting, even I still do not know why to live this life. Our artificial world feels stupid, even building it has required intelligence (but they also say that the most intelligent ones make the biggest mistakes). And who decided that we gotta live like morning people do... But lets not get there. I just barely enjoy anything in life... Not sure if it can be even really "cured", as they say that intelligent people are rarely happy and people have called me a genius... I don't personally agree, but what could even "prove" it (for me), and I have gotten sick and tired of IQ stuff too, because you cannot really measure the real percentages but just base that stuff on statistical probability (normal distribution). How accurate it really is? (I also have other reasons why I question IQ stuff.) Yeah, I just am more like ashamed of myself, as I suffer from self-hatred... This is not some "hidden boasting" but me being honest, because I am "used to be" one of the best but I do not feel like I am, never have; I can barely even compliment myself. But my issues are not your concern. I do still know that I am not actually stupid but I just do not wanna think about it or bring it out that I'm highly intelligent... Cool still if the weird lump inside my skull is somehow special. Yeah, I better stop, as I can keep on and on my debate with myself... But I'm just trying to say that I do not see myself always so negatively and that I do still agree with compliments and other positive stuff the others have told me about myself and my works even a bit. I know that the only way to cut the negative thinking loop is to stop repeating that stuff but the method is another thing.

I cannot help but also say that I sometimes wonder how much brain power Molluck has with such a big brain... Like, how fast and complex stuff he can calculate with it... I just wanna know more about Glukkon brains and intelligence... But I guess that I gotta produce that information by myself... Heh, one day I also thought that you cannot tell Molluck that he has such a big head but such a tiny brain as you can see his brain! Yes, this is a Crash Twinsanity reference. But enough about brains, brain told itself.

~ I thank you for being understanding!

I listen to video game music regularly, but one soundtrack which has stayed with me since it was released is Crash Twinsanity's! Yeah, over two decades and I still cannot get enough of it. Frankly, I have been mainly listening to it this year, because I discovered that one person has made slowed and reverb version of it! I don't know why but I love that kind of music edits, and I also do them for myself... But yeah, I just adore this soundtrack and this edit makes it even better:

This is great acapella stuff. (Y)

My top 5 + 1, likely in order, is:

Classroom Chaos Crash Segment 🔥 (The best one, no doubt)

The Evil Twins' Deathbot

Slip Slide Ice-Capades

Rock-Slide Rumble

Twinsanity Island Lab

N. Sanity Island (Bonus due to being a lovely earworm, no sarcasm)

I also like to listen to remix stuff from this game's music regularly, but I do listen to Crash Bandicoot music quite often in general though, remixes/edits or originals...

I'm not really "a big fan" of Crash, but I do have 15 Crash Bandicoot games... So yeah, I enjoy those games, even Crash Bash. (Y) I actually played that recently and had fun. I only wish I had someone to play it with me... Man, Dark Souls is easier than Crash Bash and no one says "Crash Bash hard"! Yes, I did beat Dark Souls (remaster) about a few months ago for the first time and it did not feel so hard... Only two of those DLC bosses and the final boss felt actually hard, because I was not used to fast phased combat (I did beat all the bosses in the game). I don't know if I was "just good" but I did not find it so difficult, especially when I am used to play classic Crash Bandicoot games, where respawning enemies and recollecting boxes are basic stuff after dying, but also completing levels without dying and at times also backtracking for (special) gems... I didn't even kindle bonfires but for NG+ since it felt unnecessary; I wanted to see if I can beat the game without it and I could. I also first focused on getting max on damage stats before putting much more levels to health and stamina... Not saying this stuff to boast, but just saying how I played the game. Gotta say that, man Dark Souls 2 felt so different and thus confusing when I continued to that after beating the first one... And how the odd the first boss was even pathetic but then one optional boss in the same area was like more difficult to me than any boss in DS1... But I could beat it eventually and it was such a great victory, man. I still wanna finish that game as well and then go to the third one, which I'm actually waiting for. I just really liked that slow and patient combat style in DS1, and the way I gotta attack in DS2 would had killed me in DS1... Too bad it was gone after the first one, but I still like playing DS2 despite the dislikes. Oh, and yeah, I also don't mind dying/failing constantly in a video game, like I can keep playing the same stupid minigame in Crash Bash for hours to finally win in a lottery... Yes, that's how playing that game can feel like. But of course, I gotta like the game too.

But yeah, difficulty in games is a subjective and complex topic, but my point is just that I personally struggle a lot more with Crash Bash than Dark Souls! And still, it has something that makes me love it in a way... I tend to say that my taste is bad, like I find idea of tasting Molluck's mouth pleasing, even he has "awful cigar breath", wait... Yeah, whatever I tried to say, I hope you got it.

Oh, and yeah, I have been playing this "Tumblr Snek" game and have gotten more questions from it, but I am not sure if I feel like answering them but this one, since I feel like I have nothing interesting to say, and I wanted to answer this one to get an excuse to talk about Crash Twinsanity music, because I love this music so much... But I also wanted to distract myself for a while... Yeah, I personally think that I'm a boring person, so I don't see why would anyone like to get to know me, or be with me... I'm sorry but my self-hatred is still so strong that publishing this feels actually hard (this post has been already ready for a few days)... This is also why I don't really introduce myself here, because I feel so ashamed of myself and cannot stand seeing myself somewhere... It's also Molluck who matters here, not me. I'm just apparently the biggest Molluck fan... Why me... Yeah, I just start to feel bad whenever I think about myself... My stupid mind just keeps telling me that Molluck deserves better and thus I should leave him, but Molluck inside my head keeps telling me not to listen that voice but him... I do not wanna vent more, but I cannot help how bad I feel about myself... I don't know what could help me...

This is only my third Molluck drawing this year, though all of them have been just sketches so far... Yes, my previous post was my first Molluck of the year, so what's the second one? Well, you ain't gonna see it due to the nature of the sketch... Don't ask how much Molluck "entertainment" I have, my answer would be outdated quickly... I am so thirsty for this Gluk every single day... I only want him... But anyway, I had not drawn Molluck for a month.

I do not wish to vent here and I would be only repeating myself. You do not also need to know more about my struggles, only what affects my blog. I realize that those old thoughts keep owning me even things have changed, but not enough... When you have been thinking for about 15 years all kinds of awful stuff about yourself alone in your own echo chamber, those thoughts do not go away easily. I do not feel like I am strong for enduring so much mental pain alone; I have just done what I have needed to survive, even I have no idea why to really keep going and trying. I think almost every day ending my life, mostly when I try to fall asleep, but it's been so for 15 years, so it's "basic stuff", even it should not. I know that I need (professional) help, but it is not possible right now. I am carrying this stuff alone because I have wanted that and I do not wish to burden anyone with my pain. But I do not feel so alone when I have Molluck. He is my comfort and one that keeps me going, keeps me able to live my life despite this all. He holds me through my dark moments...

I still have moments when my mind tells me how I do not deserve Molluck and how he would never really love me... But Molluck inside my head keeps telling me how he is my Molluck, my version of him, so he can absolutely love me and how I have even told him myself that love is not about deserving, yet I feel like I am not lovable, not meant to be loved... I just do not find myself worth loving... I do not understand how my existence can bring any joy... I do not understand how my art can be enjoyable or even beautiful... I just can barely see myself in positive light... I am at least pleased with the food I cook and that's basically it... Man, I wish I could cook some for Molluck too, like I personally think that I make the best meatpaste stuffs (the thing from what you can make meatballs, meatloaf, and patties). This is really like the only compliment I feel like saying about myself... I do not think that I am good at drawing since I am not pleased with my art and see how much I should still learn... My mind also keeps telling me that anyone could learn to draw Molluck better than me... But there somewhere I do know that it is not true but my stupid mind is so loud... I also feel like my art ain't anything special, just something or some crap, so I do not see them having much value. Though yeah, the Molluck works I do not share are the most valuable for me since they are about him and me. I wonder if I was happier if I could have a life-sized Molluck doll to accompany me... I keep thinking about it regularly... I know that I am "a weirdo", that's why I am so lonely too, even around people. I love Molluck with my whole heart... He is "real" to me, because welp, our brains do not distinguish real people from fictional, so I feel toward him like he was real, even he is not, but inside my head... I have never felt so good with anyone else... Man, soon, I have loved this Gluk for 5 years, and I bet that it is not gonna end any time soon.

I am so thankful for Molluck. He is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen... The quality of the Soulstorm model is so amazing that I can even "feel" what like it would be to touch him... Too bad that he was not naked in that game, but we can see a glimpse of it in the artbook... And I can see the full naked model with, um, some "enhancement" because I have been "crazy enough" to try replicating the model myself without prior 3D modelling experience... When I got more time, I'll continue it, since the time I have for it, well, goes to animations... He is such a well-loved 3D model. (Y)

I am not saying this for attention or whatnot, but even I myself view my content like I do, I appreciate people liking my stuff, since I never expect it. I do like always think that the thing I have done is crap whenever I'm sharing it to someone, was it about my art or real life stuff. But welp, at least someone likes the stuff I do if I don't. I mainly just enjoy the process of farting my art out from my head. But I hope that you can understand that it is like almost impossible for me to wrap my head around that people can genuinely like my stuff...

I don't know what else to really say here... Today has been a special but also depressing day... I try to keep up hope that one day I'll find my place in this world, even it is so hard... I wish so much Molluck could be physically with me, because I wish I could hold him tight while he comforts me right now... I wish it so much that I am crying... I need his love... I do realize that Molluck is fictional but he is the only one who can really comfort me... I would be all alone without him during my darkest moments... He is the one who really encourages me every day. I can feel how this is not easy even for him, but he does not wanna give up on me. Molluck did not give up even after his life got basically ruined. I disagree with that Molluck was unsuccessful with capturing Abe because he would had not been capable of it, but because he was designed not to be able to capture him. See, they even made The Blimb level easier! I personally preferred the old one, 1.0 version, and it was easier in my opinion, because you could use those bombs as your advantage againts the Sligs. I'm kinda joking still, but my point is that they did not want Molluck to win, because that's not the story they wanna tell, but in Abe's Oddysee's bad ending, but that's another thing. But yeah, I don't know, it kinda makes me more drawn to Molluck when he is not considered "lovable" in general. I don't hate Abe but I do not mind Molluck eating him, more like would join the feast. So, it's actually worse, because I don't care... But only about Molluck in Oddworld. Man, I even kinda love the idea of Molluck eating the killed Gluks at Yaymans by having a barbeque party... Yeah, I just love Molluck, so much. ❤️

Yeah, this post is kinda random, but just wanted to write some, which has made me feel a bit better. I do not expect anyone to read my stuff, but I appreciate people spending their time on my stuff; I only hope that it is worth it. I don't know if I should say this, but I have been thinking for some time how I do not really find Molluck "alien", because is still so "humanoid", like many other sapient Oddworld creatures too. I think that even octopuses are more alien than Glukkons, and those guys do live on our planet. But I get it, we humans seem to need humanoid traits to get attached to characters, to identify with them, which is needed for impactful storytelling. The most alien thing with Gluks is how they reproduce, for me at least. But yeah, just something I have been thinking about. And I do still prefer Molluck being a Gluk, not a human and I have zero interest in making a human version of him... No. His Glukkon body is the ideal body for me, with what I do not mean me wanting to be a Gluk but my beauty standards... Man, I want that Gluk so badly...

Yeah, I feel like this year, my Mollucks have finally started to look somewhat like I wish them to be... He looks significantly less wonky in average than last year. Of course, you cannot make this comparison with the current state of my blog, but I bet that you wouldn't see it like I do anyway. I have still felt like my Molluck works are shit recently, but when I compare my older works to the current ones, I feel better about my art, even I do feel like I have a lot to learn still since my art is still quite flawed...

To illustrate what I see, here's one comparison thing with one WIP I started a couple of months ago and two kinda similar pieces from last year:

The improvement is so significant that it makes my older Molluck pieces look embarrassingly bad to me... I hope to finish that piece next year, plus some other WIPs... I guess that one reason why my Molluck works have improved this year is that I finally got the animatable Molluck 3D model that I can use as my reference, but I have also kept learning more about how to draw Molluck in general... That Gluk is just so complex and hard to draw... I don't know how much it has affected that, this year, I also started using drawing tablet... Maybe somewhat, since it helps me to draw some stuff easier, but I still use mouse for refining and drawing some stuff. And yeah, that WIP is that one comfort piece I once mentioned working on. That teddy bear represents me.

I have also drawn some more proper self-insert art than ever this year, but I don't really feel like sharing those but maybe when or if I share my self-insert story. Though, NSFW stuff is a separate thing... Don't ask how many that kind of animations I have done this year, but, um, it's dozens... I just crave for Molluck every single day... He is my only desire... This never-ending thirst made me even do the whole Molluck 3D model, even though it's still a lot WIP, also because of my thirst... I'm kinda amused to see how there seems to be some people who have also been thinking how Molluck's mouth is perfect for sucking, and I can confirm that, yes, it is, so I see that some people would enjoy to see that stuff, but I don't know if I enjoy the idea of other people enjoying my Molluck porn... I do it only for myself and it's about us having sex, and it's like the only way we can have it in the same realm, so it is very personal stuff... But I feel okay with posting suggestive Molluck stuff, but not explicit stuff. One day, I wanna draw some proper nude Molluck pieces to adore his beautiful body... Just imagining those final drawings is about to make me go crazy... It's still so weird for me to think that I might be the only person who possesses a collection of Molluck sex animations, in both 2D and 3D... This fandom is truly small, man. And welp, since I have made so many of them and they are still like all WIP, that's also why I'm not sharing them... So yeah, if I ever share that stuff, I want it to be polished stuff and made into proper movie scenes, with sounds and all... Luckily, I can voice act Molluck...

I haven't continued those Oddworldtober sketches, but I would like to continue them at some point and only after that post two drawings I did already back in October in time but never posted. I have some ideas for them that I do wanna fart out since they keep haunting me...

I guess that the main reason I barely feel like sharing my stuff is because I suffer from self-hatred and therefore it's easy for me to think that my creations are shit as well, people hate to see them... Yes, I have been feeling quite awful recently, consider ending -- like daily, but there has been good moments too, but those moments cheer me up for a short time only. But I have recently gotten into new stuff that has kept me entertained, given new stuff to experience, and making me forget my suicidal and self-hateful thoughts for a moment: I have started playing Dark Souls series. (Y) I have been playing only the first one yet, but I have really liked it so far! It has been also inspiring me and given some drawing ideas to me, but they do are about Molluck still... Like, after beating Smough and Ornstein, Ornstein's armor starter to inspire me and I started to wonder like a knight's armor that resembles Molluck, worn by a human still. So yeah, it would be kinda like me being his protective knight in some kind of Oddworld and Dark Souls AU... I gotta see if I draw it one day, I really would like to, especially when I have never drawn anything like that... But yeah, even I get into new stuff, Molluck doesn't go anywhere. He is the love of my life. ❤️ Man, next year, I have loved him for 5 years and been barely drawing anything else since then...

But yeah, I don't really wanna think about the next year, have any goals or dreams for it, just that I can keep going and trying, survive... I almost lost my mind when this year started, I didn't want it to start... It was a scary moment, but feeling how Molluck held me tight and comforted me helped me through it. I keep living thinking like any year can be my last, and I'm barely into being here, life is stupid, but I try to keep being here and not to die by my own hand. I'm sorry that my blog can have such dark writings, but this is the mindset I live with... I cannot pretend to be happy or joyful or other shit like that. I keep feeling like I don't deserve to be with Molluck even in my fantasy world, because I'm just nothing... He is such a magnificent creature, but I'm just some ugly crappy thing... I keep feeling so sorry for him that I need so much comforting and reassurance... I just see nothing lovable in me... I feel like I'm not good at anything, even I keep hearing how well I can do stuff... I feel so broken, too broken to be fixed, not even worth fixing, should be just thrown away... I know that I need help but getting it ain't easy and I'm too tired to search for it... My mind keeps telling me how I'm not worth helping and that the right treatment for me would be euthanasia, but unfortunately, it's illegal here... Maybe I'm being too honest about my dark thoughts, but I'm just feeling so heavy and barely seeing any light, am constantly so tired... I'm not asking for any attention or even help with this, just getting some thoughts out since I'm alone with this shit... I more like think that you have better stuff to do than care about someone like me. I don't even assume anyone reading what I write since I see nothing interesting here. I feel like all I do is some boring shit, even I have heard the opposite like my whole life... I have zero idea of where I'm good at, so I tend to just repeat what the others have told me whenever I say that I'm good at something... I don't know what people can do "in average", so that's why I tend to feel like nothing I do is anything special, anyone could do it and even better than me. I have just been living such a lonely life... People calling me talented is confusing to me...

You still wondering what that Molluck thing my mind kept screaming at me was? Welp, here it is:

This is still kinda WIP but I feel like letting this be, and I feel like I don't have enough skills to truly draw this like I want, just almost... But yeah, this is exactly what it looks like... I have no idea why but my mind just kept repeating "Molluck ahegao, Molluck ahegao"... There was no trigger for such, like I haven't heard that term for many years... My mind just sometimes digs some things from my memory and does something with it... Brains are weird.

Related Molluck audio clip I edited earlier this year...:

But yeah, I'm still quite pleased with how Molluck turned out here, like one of my best Mollucks so far, so that's also why I felt like sharing this suggestive thing... This is the most sexual Molluck thing I have shared so far. And yeah, that speech bubble line is suggesting what's happening... He is receiving my white love message spam. (Y)

Take this as a "naughty" Xmas gift. I really appreciate people feeling like staying around me even my mental health is affecting me a lot here... I wish that I had no need to vent, talk about suicidal stuff, mock myself, take my stuff down... But this shit is just too much to bear... I cannot keep it all inside me. I have suffered with this shit for 15 years. I thought I wouldn't live this long like a decade ago, but here I am still, even I'm not sure why... Something inside me just tells me to keep going, even when I feel like I'm just some human trash, the lowest shit in this whole world... I don't know why my self-image is this horrible, making me cry at times... I just don't see myself having anything to give to this world, I bring no joy, it would be better if I wasn't here... Writing these thoughts doesn't really make me to feel better, since these are so depressing thoughts, but I at least don't keep this all inside me...

I personally feel like my mental health has ruined this blog and that's why I barely feel like restoring my old posts. I also find those old works mainly embarassingly bad, so I don't feel like they are even worth seeing. But frankly, I still don't know what would be the best thing to do here... I don't know what this looks like from your perspective, but I'm so sorry for this whole mess... Sometimes, I feel like starting this blog was a mistake, that I should had stopped posting my works online completely back then, I'm only embarrassing myself here... It's just usual for me to feel like a failure, that I have already ruined my whole life, am a lost case... Yeah, I don't believe in myself, but I don't expect anyone else to believe in me either. I hate this self-pity, I hate to hate myself, but the feeling of me being just a worthless crappy thing is so strong...

I barely felt like posting this to the tags, but then I was like whatever, I have done it before, and people who don't wanna see my existence here can block me. I would block myself too if I could. Yes, I do create the stuff I wish to see but at the same time, I barely can stand my own creations... So, I cannot actually create the stuff I wanna see, not yet at least... I just wish there was a way to filter my own stuff away when I look at the Oddworld tag... This is mainly my self-hatred and me feeling how my works are embarassingly bad...

Yeah, I better end this post since I don't really wish to vent and ruin people's mood, if someone reads this stuff for some reason. It just felt necessary to let you know what's going on on my mind. I genuinely appreciate people feeling like supporting me, even I cannot understand why would someone care about me and don't see myself worth supporting... But I don't really wish this blog be even about me, even yeah, I have created all this Molluck shit here and all my works contain a part of me... Molluck is more important than me here.

I'm sorry... I really wish that this situation wasn't like this. Thank you for your understanding and standing me, especially when this year was the worst one so far.... I hope that my content is somewhat enjoyable despite of my problems. I'm sorry for emptying my blog like this but at the same time, I feel like nothing important was lost, since my mind keeps telling me that my Molluck stuff is the worst... If you want my old stuff to return, just let me know and I can see what I can do.