
blake kathryn
i don't do bad sauce passes
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
tumblr dot com
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🪼
DEAR READER
Cosmic Funnies
One Nice Bug Per Day
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open

Kiana Khansmith
AnasAbdin
we're not kids anymore.
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
d e v o n
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

@theartofmadeline
Keni

seen from Sweden

seen from Malaysia
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seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from Belgium

seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from United States
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seen from Malaysia
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seen from Singapore
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seen from United States
@bornsicks

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there is a thin line between being sassy and being an asshole and i cross it everyday
dysfcnctional:
his eyebrows arched and a fake offended expression took over his face — just a few seconds before the typical smile takes its place on corey’s face. ❛ you are crossing a line here, little brat. ❜ the special operative joked, rolling his eyes and once again smiling at the other man. ❛ oh, sure! that was the reason. dream on, little shit. but be careful, i was about to shot you. ❜ luckily enough, corey wasn’t insecure with his own abilities and he wasn’t at all shaken by the other’s pranks. ❛ and let me just ask you something here. if it’s that terrible, why are you still eating it?! is it a form of punishment that have not been informed of? ❜
‘ AMERICAN FRIES BREED AMERICAN THIGHS, ’ he sings out just loud enough for his companion to hear among the hustle and bustle of valdez’s finest. it seemed a bit ridiculous to him, he’d been doing this job for as long as he could remember and still they’d saddled him with a babysitter; it spoke volumes to the paranoia of a leader he’d only spoken to in passing. seemed like a s k e t c h y way to run things but he got paid at the end of the day whether it all crashed and burned or not. ‘ doc said my iron was a little low at my last physical. ’ he shrugs. ‘ let’s call it ── conditioning for if i ever fall into enemy hands. i’m just saving you the torture. ’

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scavages:
odin’s family were not really big on desserts. in fact most of the time they would eat dried fruits, or sweetened porriage for dessert, but nothing like cakes or pastries. it was a part of their culture really. it lead odin to not really have a sweet tooth. but when he was younger and not fighting odin was found in the kitchen helping his mother and learning the recipes behind his heritage. odin was a mess in the kitchen in his apartment. having gotten the brochure and the requirments of the thanksgiving he scrambled to the store to look for anythign that could remind him of his childhood. stewed vegetables, prepared fish and meats, and to finish home made ale. he had a jar brewing for a couple weeks and usually had some made already. he was stewing the vegatables and had a chicken roasting in the oven when the doorbell rang. he ran over to open the door and huffed out, “hey, thanks for coming over to help me take all this stuff.”
HE’D ALWAYS FANCIED HIMSELF A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, well, when he was five or six maybe, a notion he’d grown out of as he added inch after inch to intimidating stature. blending in as best he could in a town full of criminals, the offer to help carry a dish or two had s p i l l e d from his lips along with the brew that had topped off his glass a few days prior and he’s regretting it the second his knock is answered. ‘ don’t mention it, ’ he breathes out on lilted tongue, slipping inside the door without waiting for invite and scrubbing his boots against the rug. ‘ i’m just here for this, really. ’ he snatches the jar of ale off the counter, twisting off the lid and taking a sip just to make sure it isn’t POISONED before his eyes widen at the spread laid out. ‘ fucking hell, rachel ray, do you have an army coming to help you carry this shit or do you plan on turning me into a pack mule. ’
svnkisseds:
the potluck dinner had been a good idea in theory. the town needed a distraction from the looming threat of complete warfare between the two gangs, needed a reminder of why valdez remains a community in spite of all that has happened. in practice , however ? the dinner was nothing short of a nightmare. well ── a nightmare for maria, at least. she was too anxious, too apprehensive to even really talk to anyone, let alone actually enjoy herself. her bad mood was only further worsened when a clumsy kid had spilled chilli down the front of her dress a mere ten minutes into the entire ordeal and her high heel snapped in half around the twenty minute mark. it was by sheer dumb luck that she managed to find the narrow little stairwell, isolated from the chaos that dominates the rest of the venue. she had been sitting in welcomed solitude for thirty minutes when the creaking of the fire escape door brings her back out of her thoughts. “ it’s loud in there, hm ? ” she asks, a polite smile spreading across features as she glances up in the direction of the door. “ i don’t suppose you have anything that could help fix this ? ” she continues, holding up the remnants of her high heel.
THERE’S ONLY SO MUCH MINGLING SHE CAN HANDLE without something altering her perception to soldier on through and the last time she struck a match in the middle of town hall she hadn’t heard the end of it for days. too high to remember who had done the yelling but with NO DESIRE to have a repeat performance, iris slips away from yet another thrilling conversation to that red sign that screams her s a l v a t i o n ; it was rapidly nearing that time when she dipped without so much as a goodbye as it was. no apology spills from her lips as she INVADES the camp so clearly set up by another and she only just manages not to smash the corner of the door into her one remaining heel, a miracle in itself. ‘ i don’t, ’ she pulls a sympathetic face out of her bag of tricks along with a lighter, ‘ but i do have some weed, if that’s what you’re into. always helps drop it down to a lull for me. ’
HER APPEARANCE HERE IS FLEETING, town gatherings had never really been her thing growing up, something about getting together and rubbing elbows with everyone she saw on a daily basis as it was seemed TEDIOUS. but as of late things had started to heat up again and it’s only a matter of time before someone else ends up with a mouth full of metal instead lasagna; not her, though, she’s far too s l i p p e r y a cockroach to catch a bullet. a valdez high beanie pulled from the very depths of her closet rest on top of her braids, screaming out her team spirit for all to see as she weaves among the crowd. her own contribution is laced with something that just might have everyone tripping a little too hard to pull a trigger; far better than the can of spaghetti-o’s she’d told madden to bring in her stead; this hadn’t been a planned stop on her itinerary for the day. ‘ you should try the cupcakes, ’ she purrs, swiping the tip of tongue through the icing smeared onto the top of one such cupcake, ‘ i hear they’re to die for. ’
i’m only seeing one starter in the event starter tag rn but i know i saw 2 earlier so if you’ve got one open just let me know and i’ll hit it up. or if you wanna do something special lmk. jasper is out of town and sending everyone postcards.
𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐲 𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐳𝐢.
that was different — in his attempt to avoid using the word “weird”. suspicious eyes searched the place and the people who had come, not only trying to find someone familiar, but also looking for anything that might pose as a threat. it took a few minutes for corey to relax ( or anything close to that ) and his attention was finally drawn directly to the table where most of the food was. the man barely had time to examine the options, however, when a movement behind him drew his immediate attention — and his first instinct was to take his hand up close to the weapon carefully concealed in the waistband of his pants. at least until he turned around and saw that the person wasn’t what he could call dangerous. ❛ holy mother of jesus in a tank! what, from the bottom of my sweet heart, the fuck?! ❜ corey said, already back in his friendly mood. ❛ don’t sneak up on people like that! it’s rude. ❜
HE’S SEEN A LOT OF THINGS, but never once in all of his travels has he seen such star-crossed enemies breaking bread over such simple fare. he’s seen opposing sides toast with a bottle of cristal, sure, but grandmother’s corn casserole seems a little random to pull everyone from the shadows ── that is until he d i g s a plastic fork into the strange yellow dish on his plate. it’s life changing. ‘ you’re getting fat and lazy, mate, been t a i l i n g you since you walked in. ’ he stabs his fork into what remains on his plate when he claps his peer on the back before re-loading with more of the same. ‘ no wonder they had to ship me in, you’re hopeless without me. ── this shit is TERRIBLE, by the way. don’t eat it. we can use it to kill them later on. ’ words spoken around the next bite shoved into his waiting mouth.

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a peaceful walk in the woods really relaxes me. the fact that I’m dragging a body should be irrelevant.
stcncold:
THE BLACK STILLETTOS made it hard to walk, and even harder to dance. she took them off as she strolled away from the dancefloor, feeling the cold ground against her skin. she took a seat at the bar, not sure of what to order. the wandering eyeballs caught a glimpse of the person sat next to her, and it was only natural she’d talk to them ―― whether it was out of boredom or genuine interest. her penetrating gaze found their eyes as she started ❛ you know what drink would go well with these? ❜ she raises the package of turquoise american spirits ❛ or anything that can get me drunk enough to forget my own name? ❜
IT HAD ALWAYS SEEMED SO TEDIOUS TO HER, getting dressed up only to get dressed down later, not that it had ever stopped her from being an utter slave to tradition. a barefoot contessa slumming it among the peasants ( in her mind at least, with ego inflated by more drinks than feet she is tall ) only r e s t i n g for a brief moment at the bar while she waits for the blessed timer in front of her to go off, alerting the bartender that her food was done. the ticking hands seem to move backwards the more she stares at them but that could just be a side-effect of her swimming vision and she’s almost RELIEVED when the chair adjacent is occupied. ‘ personally i think they’re paired best with a trash can but maybe that’s just me, ’ the words drip from her lips like honey; tacky and inescapable. ‘ but if you’re looking to forget who you are and suddenly g r o w a personality my money would be on tequila. ’ her gaze falls to the heels clutched in her grasp. ‘ though something tells me you don’t need any more help making your clothes fall off. ’
over and over and over and over again
𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐨 𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐝𝐞.
it was quite stupid of him to just assume he was alone, he was outside after all, by the lake, the bitter, cold air running past him, but he was too caught up on what he was doing to even shiver the slightest. his wireless electric guitar lay between his arms, and he was in his own world right now, strumming the device to the beat of ‘zombie’ by the cranberries. he loved playing guitar to the beat of a song, no lyrics, just him and the instrument – it was the most satisfying thing ever. mariano really was killing it, just doing him, that by the time he had finished playing the song, he didn’t even realize he wasn’t by himself. “oh…” he lets out, a light blush coming to his cheeks. he wasn’t shy about playing in front of people, he just didn’t think anyone was around. “were you… there the whole time?” he asked, feeling slightly embarrassed. “i’m stupid for thinking i was alone, sorry about that.” he assumed the other person came to tell him to turn the noise down, not everyone enjoyed the sound, he was sure.
IT’S AS BEAUTIFUL A DAY AS ANY he’s had since touching down in what he can only consider the armpit of america; the sky is overcast and the birds ... well the birds had far more sense than any of the natives and had long flown south for the winter leaving easton to wonder if they’ll ever return ( he wouldn’t but money talks ). peace and quiet were about as common in valdez as law and order, a fact made ever more prominent by the SHRIEK coming from six strings and easton crosses himself that he’d only caught the tail end. it might be a bit suspect for him to creep away under the prominent gaze and he can’t afford to draw any attention to the bubbles s n e a k i n g their way to the surface of the lake just a few hundred feet off the shore so he lingers and plays devoted fan as well as he can; two fingers tap the inside of an open palm in what might be the only golfer’s clap this backwater town had ever seen. ‘ heard enough. my ears are bleeding. my eyes are bleeding. unfortunate ── that, i was just on my way to give blood and i think they’re going to have to turn me away now. ’ a soft utterance about performance issues is cursed under his breath.

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like this if you’d like to make me a starter! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐧 𝐜𝐨𝐲𝐥𝐞.
❛ YOU SURE ARE ❜ he returns , sliding himself across from the other , both hands laced in front of him . his question brings ire to madden’s otherwise dark eyes and a chuckle even dares to follow through . ❛ oh , you know , this is our first one so i decided to keep it a little lowkey so just some cool murder weapons off the black market , a grenade that makes this funny sound when it explodes … more of a gag gift really , and —- ❜ he snaps his fingers , ❛ oh !! can’t forget about the stuffed zebra too . holding a little heart that says i’ve been side striped . you’ll love it , promise . ❜
WONDER OVERTAKES THE OPERATIVE’S EXPRESSION and he gives the impression that he’s just as much icarus chasing after the sun as he is eve with the taste of forbidden fruit running down her chin in rivulets. ‘ all out. i like it. but it leaves me wondering how you’re going to break through the glass ceiling for next year. ’ he pauses, fingers folding a cheap paper place-mat in upon itself and c r e a s i n g the edges with the sharp of his nail over and over and over again. ‘ are the stripes black or white ? ’ the query is posed with a pair of narrowed eyes, it just might hold the utmost significance to him; their fledgling friendship very well could live and die by the next word’s out of madden’s mouth.