Coming Up With The Big Text Is Too Stressful...

Every single note and comment is comedy gold and I'm wheezing from laughing so hard

i hate how they market alexa as a ‘member of the family’ like that’s SO fucking blatantly insidious and terrifying also if i wanted an untrustworthy/cold/emotionless machine in my life i’d just talk to my fuckin father 

“Guys stop bullying my wiretap”

#did we all collectively forget why Big Brother was called that

this is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

Ok I'll bite. you are bleeding now

kind of embarrasing when your life is actually going pretty well but you still have mental health problems. it's like when you drink water but still have a headache like what the hell. you're telling me this isn't because of the Situations i'm actually just like this. i want a refund.

usually when you have a stomach bug your body is like yes sir we'll get this punk out of here, 48 hours tops. then you get a cold and your body is like I dunno ... between a few hours and eleven months ... maybe a week minimum .... you gotta understand we're short staffed

I've got to find myself more macrophage

Now Hiring: macrophages

immunesystem.com/careers/macrophage

wait I have one more story. there's a group of anti-abortion protesters who often set up by the Ethiopian cafe I hang out in, and when I was waiting to cross one of them held up an aborted fetus sign and said "how does this make you feel?" and I said "hungry", and then I was so satisfied by my own cleverness that I missed the lights and stepped off the sidewalk into oncoming traffic

Thank you for the map for context. It makes this 1,000 times funnier and intriguing.

"I have a problem with my trans son. Not because he's trans, but because he inhaled all our food like fucking Kirby."

they should invent a disproportionate emotional response that goes away when you understand it's disproportionate. they should invent a way to logic yourself out of emotions

"dni if you engage with irredeemable media! dni to kill a mockingbird stans" ok well CLEARLY you have never read to kill a mockingbird if you think it's irredeemable media and also having a book that was published in 1960 on your dni stan list is kinda ridiculous actually

i literally do not think any of you have ever read a book published before the 2000s before in your entire life

#'Dni if you've read to kill a mockingbird' what's is this the Florida banned books list #Who r u Ron DeSantis

You really buried the lede by only mentioning To Kill a Mockingbird