I guess
I am having a rough night, and I donβt really have anyone to talk to about it. Iβm not sure I would be able to express it to them in a meaningful way either. At the moment I am extremely self involved and self conscious which manifests itself in food restriction, body and image dysmorphia, and a general lack of confidence and self esteem.Β
Iβm trying to find someone who understands, I guess. I guess I like when I get to talk to someone in therapy because I know it isnβt for anyone besides me. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I go into a room and talk at someone to process my first world problems and privileged existence. But, still, I understand the value of talk therapy because it allows me to process things I normally wouldnβt say out loud for the very reason I just mentioned. And that is precisely why Iβm writing this note. Since Iβm home alone and I donβt particularly like anyone who is available for me to talk to in person, Iβm going to use this as my soundboard.
Today in therapy I talked to Sarah mostly about my eating issues, which, outside of an honest environment such as the one Sarah has created at her office, I donβt really care to address in any sort of constructive way. When I am alone, no one is policing me, and I am free to succumb to the feeling and belief that I donβt want to stop restricting and losing weight. I guess I donβt really care any more.Β
Sarah and I discussed what Iβm missing out on when I focus a large amount of my energy on my obsession with food. I know Iβm must be missing out on a lot, but I canβt identify what exactly. I think it may be a defense mechanism Iβm using so I donβt have to think about what I actually want in life.Β
