anyway so i feel like the western obsession with romantic love is symptomatic of the absence of community we experience in our socially isolating society,

You know when dogs sit outside with their face turned towards the sun and their eyes closed and they look so relaxed and when you pet them they’re warm that’s how I want to feel always

I’m gonna say this right now. I’m fucking shitty! I act out of fear and I am weak to emotions. I’ll love way too hard and put up with ALOT of bullshit. I’ll try to be nice and I try to be stern and cold. I try to make too many people happy at the same damn time and I pull myself into shreds doing so. I hurt a lot of people along the way and protect everyone but myself, at least it feels like that in the moment. I’m afraid of being selfish but end up doing whatever is selfish and benefits me so I don’t have to deal with any conflict or being uncomfortable. I’d rather run away than face my fears. But I also want to stand strong and face my fears head on. I am extremely conflicted and I never know how to say no. I’ll let things get too far until I can no longer handle it and I let it crumble through my fingers. I’ll deny things only because I just don’t understand, agree, or remember whatever it is I am denying. I don’t do well with people yelling in my face, upsetting people, hurting people. So I let things build up into mountains, until I get to the nose of el capitan and I squeeze my fingers into the wrong crack and I slip and fall into an infinite disaster that only repeats over and over. This is now turning into a pity party. I hate pity parties. I hate talking about feelings and reasons. I am wrong even when I am not. Sometimes you start believing your own bullshit. I’ll always feel worthless. I’ll never shake that feeling. I’m not that great. I’m not that special. I can achieve greatness if I work really hard at it, just like anyone else. I’d rather not talk in most occasions. My emotions and feelings are almost bipolar, on a balance, going up and down constantly. I seek being alone, I seek being alone with some other person besides myself, I seek separating again, I seek running away, I seek not wanting to hurt peoples feelings so I stay. I look for ways around leaving or staying, so some people can be happy. I don’t know what this vessel wants. I don’t know what this soul wants. I figure it out for maybe just a second and then it changes or it goes away, out of reach once again. I like the feeling of people wanting me. I like feeling needed. I’m not a good liar. I wish I could take a lot of things back. I wish I could go back or just go way forward into the future and skip this shitty part. I wish I could just jump into a van and drive off and go rock climbing everywhere. Hiking mountains with my dog. What am I really doing here?