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My manga recommendation list is now done. There are a little over 220 titles listed on this page in total.

Honestly I was planning on waiting until I was finished the whole site before sharing this, but unfortunately, it turns out that I'm still very much figuring out what I want from a website design-wise! Oh well. I was contemplating leaving off more well-known series, but I don't know what constitutes well-known these days, so this list is more or less every series I like that I have either completed or have read a significant number of chapters of.

Buckle up because this is going to be a long one.

While I was watching Taemin's Guilty MV, I noticed these "in between" spaces. I kept thinking, "that's happening in his head" but I couldn't really put my finger on why I felt that way, except that these were surreal spaces. After the director of Guilty confirmed that the MV was inspired solely on Demian, I started digging.

A quick google search brings you to a really telling summary of the novel:

Emil Sinclair is a young boy raised in a middle class home, amidst what is described as a Scheinwelt, a play on words meaning "world of light" as well as "world of illusion," so his entire existence can be summarised as a struggle between two worlds: the show world of illusion (related to the Hindu concept of maya) and the real world, the world of spiritual truth (see Plato's cave and dualism). Accompanied and prompted by his mysterious classmate and friend 'Max Demian', he detaches from and revolts against the superficial ideals of the world of appearances and eventually awakens into a realization of self. 

If you gasped when you read, Plato's cave, don't worry I did too. Taemin's song Idea was inspired by Plato's allegory of the cave. Not surprisingly, we see Taemin diving into these themes even more.

What struck me was the concept of struggling "between worlds." That's exactly what Teamin's doing.

One of the main themes of Demian is the idea of embracing our inner world, or our will. Embracing this world means to discard what we consider to be "moral," uninhibited by that inner critic that was crafted by those around us. We see this in a quick quote said by Demian himself to the main character, Sinclair:

"You knew all along that your sanctioned world was only half the world and you tried to suppress the second half the way the priests and teachers do. You won't succeed. No one succeeds in this once he has begun to think."

We see Taemin struggle between these two worlds, as if he has no control over which one he ends up in. He clings to material, to the real world at the beginning. Grasping on to the clothes of those around him, their ideas of morality.

Later, we see him struggle in the inner world of doors, opening up to his inner desires.

These flashes into the inner world start to bleed even to the real world, the world of forms.

We see him struggle with other's pulling him around, as if they are imbuing their ideas of morality onto him. We know this is in his inner world, coming forth into the real world, because in the next shot, he's alone.

He desperately wants to embrace his inner world, the way Sinclair wants to do so because of Demian's mentorship.

"Suddenly, a new image had risen up before me, a lofty and cherished image. And no need, no urge was as deep or as fervent within me as the craving to worship and admire."

He wants to embrace his creativity, his inner world, his desires and will. he wants to reform himself. Much like how Taemin himself talks about being the best him that he can be, embracing the things he refused to in the past like his androgyny, being himself creatively without worrying over trends and what he felt he "should" be. That ideal 20 year old Teamin was an illusion, and his inner desire to be the Taemin that he is inside has became the real world to him. That is because he embraced those parts of him. Ideas of morality, good and evil, given to him by others was thrown to the wayside in favor of his own ideas of good and evil. (Reminds me of Advice, but I don't know how much that influenced this cb.)

Taemin looks back into the past quite a few times, examining these memories of the real world in almost detachment from them.

He's doing the work to look back at these moments of morality and decide to let them go in favor of his own ideas, his own will. And he finally embraces that. The narration of Demian is done by adult Sinclair after the events in the book. Taemin is an adult looking back as well. But it is interesting to note that the story is told by the unreliable narrator. Even in Taemin's look into the past, the images are still surreal, warped by dancers and fragmented moments.

And here we see him in his inner world, embracing those parts of himself:

This is the exact same room with the bunk beds disassembled in his own mind. He deconstructs what he believes to be the truth and instead embraces his truth.

Let's talk about freedom, embracing your inner self. In the book, the sparrow hawk represents a desire to break free, to be independent. It shows up over the doorways of both Demian's and Sinclair's homes. A symbol of his desire to be free. So, it is no wonder that when he finally feels he has broken free, he adorns the feathered headdress.

It is interesting that the people around him seem to worship him. Sinclair studies Abraxas, the god that combines good and evil. Here, it is almost like by embracing all facets of himself, Taemin becomes Abraxas.

By this point, he is free to be independent. What that means for Taemin is uncertain, but it's interesting to see how that ties into the themes in Demian.

I also have another interpretation, looking at the 3/4th time signature, that is a bit shorter and is based on Lord of the Flies.

231031 levinchk instagram update Taemin ‘GUILTY’

So I want to talk about the various reactions I've seen to the people Taemin is interacting with in the MV trailer, MV teasers, and the MV itself.

I'm actually surprised that anyone would be stunned that this moment above in the MV is Taemin touching a man, not a woman. Everything leading up to the MV had Taemin being touched and surrounded by men (to my eyes, younger men or men around his age). As these tags by @jaythajujubae say, everyone Taemin is intimate with in the MV is male, while he mainly dances with women. (very bicon of him I agree)

And in this analysis on twitter (I shared the whole thread here) saying that Guilty is the prequel to Advice, op points out something very telling -

Here op is saying that in MV teaser #1, Taemin is looking at a younger version of himself, which is a view I saw others echo - that this person here is a younger Taemin, and that this scene reflects the innocence he had in his early years in the idol industry - the entire concept of Guilty is heavily focused on corruption of innocence.

But when I first saw MV teaser #1, I had these thoughts that I posted on 10/27:

The person who may be the object of Taemin’s affection in the MV teaser seems to present in a genderless way, and I feel like that’s purposeful… especially based on what we see in the trailer (everyone has short hair, 3 are dressed similarly to Taemin in the beginning shot when they’re playing in the water, and some are petite, making it difficult to say if they’re male or female)

Because to me, this person looks more female than male, and I believe a point is being made here (again I will link to this video about the sexualization and feminization of Taemin, detailing what he went through all through his career as an idol, including when he was a minor - what he did with Move was pivotal to how he perceived himself as an artist, reclaiming what others had tried to dictate for him):

After reflecting a little, and seeing how others took the younger person above as a young Taemin, the phrase "object of affection" lingered in my head. Whether this person represents young Taemin or someone Taemin cares for and later feels guilt about, the meaning is the same. Corruption of innocence. The character Taemin represents in this comeback is both someone who has been corrupted and someone who has ruined others. As we see in the MV trailer and also the MV, he is forced to shoot a gun at someone begging for mercy - from an authority completely indifferent to both their suffering.

Going back to the twitter thread about Guilty prefacing Advice, in MV teaser #1 Taemin could be looking back at a younger self surrounded by older men, whereas when he is forced to commit violence in the MV trailer, he is dressed as if he is younger than he is and surrounded by younger men. To me, the first scenario reflects a view of his younger self in the idol industry, and the second scenario reflects a view of his recent self during his military conscription.

Another speculation, what if the person he is being forced to shoot represents his younger self? We aren't shown that person's face on purpose. They are representative of a bigger concept - loss of innocence, and loss of that self who possessed such innocence. Just like the quote (the first line which is on Taemin's insta), from Hermann Hesse:

"The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world. The bird flies to God. That God's name is Abraxas.”

And now theories of this quote being personified by Taemin in the MV (put out on twitter and reddit, which I shared here) have been proven true by the Guilty MV's director - 231030 Guilty MV director Byul Yun instagram update:

credit to @nso-csi for sharing this here!

So ultimately, I think Taemin choosing to be intimate, sometimes manhandled, by men in the MV is a choice that makes a profound point. The moment in the MV that's being shown in the first picture on this post, Taemin sings this line: "Give up, you’re trapped inside me". I believe in parts of this song, Taemin is speaking of himself. Parts of his identity that society used to deny him to express that he gives free reign to now, through this lens of exploring the border between what is provocative and what is disturbing.

I haven't even gone into more imagery the MV provides us plus the lyrics. But the opening scene itself gives a hint that this concept also touches on the idea of forbidden love, i.e. queer relationships.

These are the opening lines of the song:

Poison apple Spellbound, you wanna take a bite Hand outstretched In danger, sinking deeper

During the last line "in danger, sinking deeper", we get this shot:

If you look closely, I am almost sure the person on the left is the same person Taemin is focused on in the pillow fight scene in MV teaser #1. And the person on the right looks female. To me, that person on the left appears genderless, or nonbinary. Taemin himself has said he embraces a genderless expression in his art. Just like with Advice, I think with Guilty he is saying that he embraces an identity that goes against societal expectations for male idols (and male music artists in general). With Guilty I think he's also embracing a love that makes the audience feel guilty (something I also talked about in rambling not-really-an-essay here, after the second MV teaser photos came out).

How exactly Guilty links to queer relationships is a deeper conversation than I can manage (and this post is already very long), but I hope someone does, because I think the potential for such a connection is there.

I do not think Taemin is giving queerness itself negative connotations. I feel that he is drawing a parallel between queer love and a relationship with the (queer) self. I think a lot of concepts are coexisting in Guilty, and the fact that this comeback has resulted in so many theories and interpretations is proof of that.

This verse that Taemin named as his favorite in the song keeps standing out to me:

>taste it