MuzzledCanine

If I go back into the past, I’ll have to risk being abused all over again. If I died, would my friends even care? Maybe everyone would pretend to miss me, but in reality they’re just doing that so my “spirit” feels appreciated.

I’m not calling the hotline. They do nothing. I’m not telling my parents. If Mom and Dad knew what their daughter thought every day she wakes up, knew what she does to her arm, they would call a mental hospital right away.

I don’t want help. I don’t want my parents getting involved. Just fake reassurance that everything will be okay.

Until it’s someone who is physically, emotionally, and mentally unable to keep up with their hygiene. Until it’s someone who cannot bring themselves to do anything. Until it’s someone who is fat, skinny, etc. Until it’s a kid.

“B-But they have a p0rn/SH/(literally anything) addiction…!!!” It is a coping mechanism for them. If you care so much, help them. Suggest different things they can do as a distraction.

“Oh! Honey, that’s…!” T-THAT’S.,.,. That’s what, huh? A mental health problem you’re discovering? Stop being fucking disrespectful. Don’t comment shit like that, it’s not helping anyone. If you’re gonna say something like that or “I’m scared” about a video of someone’s MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEM, then don’t fucking say anything. You’re not cute, you’re not funny.

“But they’re in a bad relationship and won’t leave!!” Okay. It might be for a reason, ever thought of that? Do you know how long it took me to leave a group? From September 2025 to January 2026. You know why? Because that same group knew where I lived, knew almost everything about me, knew my favorite places, knew my loved ones. And I was afraid. Not for myself, but for my friends and family. I was scared that they would hurt my parents, pets and siblings, just to get back at me for being tired of their shit. I was scared that they would spread rumors about me and my friends would believe it.

“But it feels like they don’t want help! They just keep doing it!” Even if you feel like there’s nothing you can do to help, they still matter. I remember all the way through 6th to 9th grade, I would starve myself. I would cut my arms and legs and hide the scars. Because it made me feel like I was doing something right. Sometimes, I still have the thought of doing it all over again, because I’m used to it. I didn’t want anybody to help me because I felt like it was just a waste of their time.

I don’t mind getting hugged around the waist, but I hate when people put their hands on my hips or waist in a non-hugging way. I like to curl up on a relative’s lap, yet I get uncomfortable when one of my friends tries to force me onto her lap.

I hate when people get in my face, yet I’ll let a dog or cat get all up in my personal space. If my family is coming to give me a kiss, they have to do it on my head, not my face. The closest someone can get to my face is my forehead.

My ways of accepting affection/physical touch are so weird, right? I show my discomfort anytime I freeze/tense up, yet when someone asks me if I’m okay I’ll say “Oh yeah, you’ll be able to tell if I’m uncomfortable!”. And they don’t, because I NEVER tell them!

Other: Why everytime someone does something bad to me, I can never forgive them and I always feel nervous around them? I’m not the only one, right? That’s normal, I would hope.

My mom’s husband (step dad, but I will NEVER look up to that man as a father figure!) physically abused me in 2018. Stopped in 2019, but he still likes to yell and shout. I always find myself trying to keep as far away from him as possible, and he’s always like “I’ll be good, promise! I love you!”… Yeah, sure. Are you saying that because I’m starting to defend myself and I’m clearly done with your shit?!

Another person is some weird ass kid at my school. I hope he didn’t pick up the behavior from his mom or dad, but he thinks that when he likes someone, he can harass them. Sexually. He’s done it twice to me. That all happened in 2023-24, and yet I still can’t forget and forgive.