evy jane

people have asked me for the lyrics to ohso - which is a song i wrote in 2011, but i never wanted to post them because they are so weird and i was so mumbly and they are overly poetic for a pop song.  they reference deep water, visions i've had, and menstrual blood lol.  maybe you will get them if you are like me.  but it is basically a song about the painful transmutation that occurs between childhood and "womanhood".  the woman i see out my window is the one i knew i could be but i also saw that she was the mother set ablaze and misunderstood by a world that values her less than it should.  so there was a fear there, and it made me mean.  i wrote ohso to acknowledge the perpetrator in me.

here's the cute poppy remix

https://youtu.be/yAZ6Wg5lf1Q

here's the words

lyrics to OHSO:

there’s a woman out my window she’s been floating there for days into the bend of tracking lines she is the matron set ablaze

though i feel it washing to me like the rise from greeny deeps she sees the struggle and the wane, ink in the wetness of my sleeps

find my mind between my meanest askings cause i know just what is good for me knock out all my wisdom teeth to feed me you can tell me almost anything

and the move is so violent as is the slouch which curves my back slouch which curves my obsessive and tricky oh, my dark and my light

stream-wading over the copper arms swaying after the line where is my heart in the offer when comes the rest of my mind stream-wading over the copper arms swaying after the line where is my heart in the offer when comes the rest of my mind

Sometimes I get this creepy feeling that some yt people wanna treat me like their lil Asian sidekick! Lol ugh... or they act like they want to adopt me as a pet.  I felt this “vibe” spontaneously from the core of me -- I didn’t even know that the “asian sidekick” vibe is sth that happens to MANY other asian ppl, not just me!!  It’s a micro-aggression and it keeps me distant and disconnected from friends whom I really love.  It needs to be unlearned.  If you treat me like a pet, you won’t see me.  If I’ve been colding you, thas prolly why lol.

I’m so exhausted by teaching ppl about systems of oppression that I will straight up disappear on your ass, and it’s easy for me! But I’m a very forgiving person bc I’m both yella AND white I can see both sides, so I can see that the pet thing is supposed to be cute and nice and maybe someone is just trying to relate to me, but I’ve learned it comes at a price, from a selfish place. It is most troublesome bc yes, I am very <3 adorable <3 , but -- I ACTUALLY HAVE AGENCY OF MY OWN!  Loving someone can become abusive when you try to control them.  Treating someone like a cute thing that does what you desire is objectification.  Objectification is the first chamber of violence and if you don’t take that seriously then congrats, you’re a bad person!

I’M NOT A DOLL!

I actually knew this creepy French guy who had a thing for Asian Real Dolls (look it up) and who was making a horror film about them when I lived in Buenos Aires.  He had all these catalogues and doll parts that he brought from Japan.  I was 19, fresh out of the forest, and had very low self-esteem.  I was so naive that I was actually shocked when he molested me and said it was because he was in love with me (um, so?) but in hindsight It’s so obvious to me that he was unconsciously acting out his ASIAN REAL DOLL FANTASY thru me. Which is so abhorrent because it's a fantasy that lead to someone ATTACKING ME with his face and hands but I'm supposed to take it as a compliment.  DON’T YOU FUCKING GET IT?  FUCK YOUR ASIAN FETISH, YOU DISGUST ME, TRULY.

I may also just have some sort of doll-based trauma stemming back to childhood when my sister convinced me that my terrifying porcelain doll would come to life at night and kill me if I didn't kiss it on the cheek before bed. 

Wait I think I digress... so Asian women are exotified and told they should be flattered, but we’re actually just getting raped and killed at higher rates for it? 

In a Spokane serial murder trial I read about, the perps were targeting women based particularly on the fact that they were Asian (ie: race-based violence!).  The women were chosen because they were Japanese, and the perps wanted to rape and torture them because they had ‘submissive asian fantasies”.  Tell me again that stereotypes are not perilous.

So in this case, the judge decides to send the message to society that race-based violence committed against Asian women is not important enough to be called the fucking HATE CRIME that it is -- BECAUSE “THE MURDERER SEEMED ACTUALLY QUITE TAKEN WITH HIS VICTIMS”. Boom.  So fucked. As if.  Murderer gets a chiller sentence because he didn’t HATE his victims, per se, he loved them!  He was nice!  FUCKING MURDER ME WITH YOUR LOVE I’M YOUR LADY DOLL