This Too Shall Pass

When you know you can’t do anything right for well, anyone. I feel so alone. No nana, grandpa or presh. No one understands how I feel.

I wish my father desired me as his daughter. I wish my father accepted me. That he would make make an effort to check in once a week? Biweekly? Monthly? If I didn’t message or call first- we would not be in contact. He has abandoned me my entire life…his own father recognized immediately and intervened…. My heart, soul, and being yearn for my grandparents every moment I take a breath.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m a clingy, annoying inconvenience. I have been broken and shattered the last 5 years. Big changes overwhelm me. Today’s panic attack left me feeling ashamed, guilty, selfish, drained, overwhelmed, frustrated, and scared. I’m not a mind reader. I don’t always understand a situation if I’m not directly asked to do something. I don’t mean to be bossy and sometimes I am too blunt. The worst is knowing there’s no one to call that is in a life position to answer. People have families and lives. My family and life died 4/24/18 and 4/4/22. Some days are just so dark. I’m forever grateful to have my cats or I’d really lose my mind. The rest of today I will remind myself to go a minute at a time. That is all one can do. I have gotten through significantly more stressful situations and I’ll overcome today... I’m a bad ass bitch. No one gets to talk down to me. My kindness is not to be mistaken for weakness. My heart is healing, loving, and true. However I am tougher than most and won’t hesitate to speak my truth. No one ever gets to disrespect anything about my essence and not receive my wrath.

I just want my nana and my grandpa.

He told me he doesn’t like when I sleep and asked me if I exercised or harvested anything from the garden... I don’t feel well. Fuck ibs