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THE KNIGHT AND THE MOTH by Rachel Gilling

Lighthousekeeping, Jeanette Winterson (transcript under the cut) 

the impulses come from him but Ronan doesn't feel in control of them. they are entities separate from him and they're killing him whether he wants them to or not. whether he makes the choice or not, it feels like it's out of his hands.

and it's crucial to me that he fights the night horrors. those feelings come from him but Ronan is fighting them!! even when they're winning, he is still fighting to stay alive!!!! he does not want to want to die! the depths of his own depression scares the shit out of Ronan!!

he is afraid of his self loathing and as much as he wants to be dead, he does not want to die.

it's also crucial to me that Ronan does not succeed in killing a night horror until it is brought forth and battled, not alone, but with Gansey fighting by his side. he wants to beat this enormous terrifying foreign-feeling thing inside his own head that insists he deserves to die, and he's been fighting it alone for a long time, but he needs the support of his friends to help him win the battle against his own mind.

preacher boy