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Mike Driver
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
Sade Olutola
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@bluejaysfeathers
you cant tell people what to do but I really think those who play story games for the combat and then complain that there's story and characters and dialogue are maybe in the wrong aisle
“What do you mean I’m expected to remember a major story beat from an hour ago? I skipped all the dialogue!” Yeah idk man there’s story in this story game
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Carved ripples on granite. Shen Lieyi.
My ancestors, watching me dump an entire stick of cinnamon, two cloves, an allspice berry, and a generous grating of nutmeg into my tea, sweetened with white sugar and loaded with cream, while I sit in my clean warm house surrounded by books, 25+ outfits for different occasions, and 6 pairs of shoes, in a building heated so well I have the windows open in mid-autumn:
Our daughter prospers. We are proud of her. She has never labored in a field but knows riches we could not have imagined.
I like this so much better than the idea that our ancestors would be embarrassed or ashamed of us for being “soft” or some crap like that.
My ancestors, watching me stuff my face with fried chicken while studying: She eats like an imperial concubine and can afford to study like am imperial scholar. WE MADE IT
She eats like an imperial concubine and can afford to study like am imperial scholar
My ancestors watching me use my stand mixer while living in a small apartment and attending university: Thou hast kneadeth bread in FOUR hail marys??? FOUR??? And thou ist poor as a churchmouse, yet liveth in a fine cottage with four pounds butter and fresh berries in thy larder!! And two featherbeds! And thou attendeth the King’s college, as a lord!!
My ancestors being like:
Look at this fine young lady! She can paint she can sew and embrody, she sings and read
And without a wealthy father to pay for that, plus she is florid in the body! She doesn’t know hunger!
We did it!
Me: /wearily studying/
My Ancestors: TRULY SH— what? They? A little unorthodox, but reasonable I suppose. TRULY THEY PROSPER, FOR THEY LIVE IN A DWELLING WITH MANY ROOMS AND ONLY THEIR SPOUSE TO SHARE IT WITH! THEY HAVE DOGS WHO DO NOT PERFORM A FUNCTION! THEY HAVE MANY BOOKS AND DO NOT HAVE TO SPIN THEIR OWN YARN! THEY BATHE AT A WHIM WITH GENTLE SOAP FREE OF LYE! OUR DESCENDANT BRINGS HONOR AND PRIDE TO OUR LINEAGE!
Me: /yawns and sips my coffee/
My Ancestors: /cheer wildly/
Me: *hunched over at my desk nursing a headache.*
My Ancestors: “Truly, we prosper; see here, our infirm descendant need not even work on her poor days, but has the luxury to rest as she sees need! A doctor attends to her illnesses; her clothes are warm and free of pests; she cares for exotic and dangerous animals within her own home! We have found the height of luxury!”
Me: *treats myself to a pineapple and a bunch of bananas*
My Georgian ancestors: ZOOTH SHE HAS BOUGHT A PINEAPPLE! NOT MERELY BORROWED ONE! TRULY SHE HAS ACHIEVED FAR MORE THAN WE COULD KNOW!
me: [puts on warm socks and a blanket, is now warm regardless of the weather outside]
My impoverished Russian Jewish ancestors:
Me: [learns to knit from youtube videos]
My ancestors: Our descendant, the heir to all our hopes and fears for a far-off future… She can buy fine clothes woven and knit by automatons, with but a fraction of a day’s earnings… and she does… she has so much free time to do as she pleases… and she uses some of that time to do what we did.
One woman from rural Poland, who died from smallpox in 1717 CE, a grandmother at 35: I knit roses and peonies into my and my children’s gloves… it wasn’t much extra work to dye the red, once I had already cleaned the wool and spun the yarn, and to knit in the designs… and I wasn’t a gifted knitter but I was a good knitter, and I thought, well, it might not make a difference to how warm the glove is, but it made the children happy and it made me happy. I liked to make things beautiful when I could.
Another woman, a peasant from what’s now France, who died from getting kicked by a mammoth in 8995 BCE: [Patting her on the back] I made my family’s clothes too. Every day my sister and I wove and wove and tended our children. We went out of our way to make the cloth lovely. Not a trace of it remains anywhere on earth now… But it mattered to us. And she might not know our names, or know it was us, but evidently, it matters to her too. She has so much beauty available to her, in every direction, and she wants to make it where we once made it.
[everyone sobbing and high-fiving each other.]
A man from Britain, 1104 CE, sitting at the trans-temporal telescope, reporting on my doings: She’s stopped knitting and now she’s playing minecraft.
The other ancestors: Ah, yes, the dream of building. We know this one well. What vision doth she design now?
Telescope man: Looks like… Some kind of floating temple?
Everyone: [Goes completely apeshit]
Me: studying Marine Biology, out in the middle of the Elkhorn slough absolutely fucking covered in the most foul-smelling mud and swamp scum you can imagine, deliriously happy as I spot a tell-tale bubbling in the mud. I jump off the small dock and drive my entire arm into the mud like a Mortal Kombat Character ripping someone’s heart out of their chest, and pull out a 4lb, two-foot long Geoduck Clam and hold it aloft, triumphant.
My Homminid ancestors, who were doing exactly this with much smaller clams 900,000 years ago: *going absolutely literally apeshit over my flawless technique and the marvelous size of my quarry* CLAM! CLAM! CLAM! CLAM! CLAM! CLAM! CLAM! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Blep with him Molly!
A silly little train doodle on my way to my fwiend!
has anyone noticed recently that it's expensive
times like these really make you appreciate pouring river water in your socks
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humans are space orks: cooking our food
"humans do this" "humans do that" "humans are the best and everyone else is weak" okay but have you thought of the things we CANT do? Like whats up with that?
Human: (Answering phone) "Hello?"
Alien: "Hey, it's me."
Human: "Who's 'me'?"
Alien: "C'mon, you know who it is. What are you doing?"
Human: (Exhales, because, of course they know who 'me' is) "I'm making breakfast."
Alien: "Oooh, can I have some?"
Human: "Come down in ten. I'll be done cooking the eggs by then."
Alien: "Cooking...? Why would you cook your eggs?"
Human: "... Why wouldn't you?"
Alien: "Just eat them how they are. Cooking is for fancy people."
Human: "Oh, sure, I'll just feed you salmonella for breakfast."
Alien: "What.... OHHHH YEAHHH!"
Human: (Winces) "Quiet down, it's like eight in the morning."
Alien: "You humans can't eat raw food, I remember now! For all your talks about the millions of germs in your body you sure do have some weak internal systems."
Human: "You mean you eat your food RAW?"
Alien: "Most people do. And then they're the special folks..."
Human: "Shut up, you can't drink coffee."
Alien: "You can't even develope your own raw germs repellant!"
Human: "And 𝘺𝘰𝘶 still couldn't withstand one bite from me."
Alien: "Touche. I'll see you in ten."
It’s all fun and games until you remember that the more accessible nutrients from cooked food are how we got brains big enough to do all the other stuff lol
You know, when I've remarked that a lot of the responses to my posts feel like people are just plucking out keywords they think they recognise based on the shape of them and replying to what they imagine the post says based on that, the possibility never occurred to me that this is actually how many American schools are currently teaching kids to read.
Like, my assumption this whole time has been that when folks go "I misunderstood this post that says [thing] as saying [unrelated thing] because I mistook [word] for [completely different word that happens to start with the same letter]", that was a bit. What do you mean they're teaching kids a reading method that's tailored to produce this exact error?
Three cueing. Once you learn about it, a whole lot of very frustrating online discourse with US Americans makes so much sense 😭
For decades, schools have taught children the strategies of struggling readers, using a theory about reading that cognitive scientists have
If you were taught to read with the three cueing method, and now struggle to read fluently, you can still learn to read properly!
-> Phonics For Adults <-
If you're a teenager, you can still use this resource.
Has tumblr always put totally unrelated blazed posts when you browse a specific tag? What the fuck is that? I don’t mind them on my main dashboard, but if I am looking for a specific character why the fuck would I want to see a bunch of random bullshit that is not that character? About to start blocking fuckers istg
the fact that the tra la la lally elves don’t show up when frodo et al. arrive in rivendell implies a few options to me:
they are only there some of the time or at certain entrances (possible but prosaic, includes the potential for tra la la lallying as shift work)
elrond’s magic has some kind of built-in warning system and they cleared out to avoid potential danger (plausible and realistic considering that i don’t think team tra la la lally is either interested in fighting or skilled in emergency response)
the changing political climate and increased danger around rivendell resulted in all tra la la lallying activities being moved inside the valley (which begs the question of where, and if they just manifest barbershop quartet style beneath guests’ windows)
elrond didn’t know about it until bilbo unwittingly mentioned the experience over dinner, and all roadside tra la la lallying was brought to an end (either petering out without the allure of secrecy or simply by the power of elrond’s consternation)
the whole thing was contrived solely to troll the dwarves (elucidates the standout conformity of only these elves to historic ‘tree-dwelling hippies’ stereotypes)
bilbo fully made it up (this was revealed when merry and pippin cheerfully asked elrond when the tra la la lallying would start, and elrond said ‘gesundheit’)
assuming the tra la la lally elves are real, though, i’m so certain that it was a celebrían-manufactured conceit made permanent by her shameless use of a parting wish to a weeping and dock-bound elrond right before they were sundered for centuries. she was leaning over the rail of the boat to valinor shaking her fist and yelling that they had to sing the song she wrote and not some sad sappy poem meant to attract maglor. yes, with all the tra la la lallies. or else.
I was going to make the joke idea “play one of the tralalalally Elves, whose only skill is singing” and then I remembered two things.
First, song is immensely important in Middle Earth, to the point where some of the most powerful character moments and magic effects we see are done through singing and poetry. The tra la lally gang are most likely quite powerful sorcerers!
Second, the song mentions many of the Dwarves and Bilbo by name, which means they are either capable of foresight or very well-informed by mundane means. Certainly not the giddy bards the appear to be.
Objection: Tolkien elves are completely capable of being both skilled in information gathering (magical or otherwise) AND ALSO being giddy bards.
Something about the torment nexus idk
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I just keep thinking about how Ryland Grace used to be a regular at his local diner.
NOT THE CRABS WE EXPECTED BUT STILL SOME CRABS WE DESERVE!!!
the important thing to remember about corporations is that they are so so stupid
this post brought to you by my ex employer claiming that they can't have done disability discrimination against me because there's no proof I had PTSD in January 2025, although they do admit I had it both four months before and six months after that
asked my lawyer if this was the dumbest thing she'd ever seen and she gave me the ol' dead eyed stare that has watched a thousand civilisations fall
Wait, did I understand this right, did Mantis lay fertile eggs? How does that happen if she's a yearling?
presumably the same way it happens if she's not a yearling
Wait I (not anon) thought they had to be older than that? Or is that just the boys
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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what is THE worst thing you've ever drank. all liquids acceptable. please tell me what it was, bonus points for why
Hey whoa hi. Hello. I am looking directly into your ear canal. What do you mean you drank a tube of virus concentrate.
So, I was working in a lab, right? My job in the lab was preparing a pure, concentrated enough sample of virus. This is tricky since, y'know, viruses require hosts to replicate, but you then need to get the host cells (and the pieces of the host cells that died!) out of the sample while still keeping the viruses. Once I'd finished and the samples had been sent to the database for analysis as well as a second one sent to be frozen for future reference, there was still some left over that needed to be disposed of.
I, knowing that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, waited carefully for the lab director to be deep in conversation with someone else on the other side of the laboratory. And then I took my chance.
Test tubes, as it turns out, are really bad as shot glasses. Their shape turns any liquid inside into a stream, so you really can't knock it back quickly - it takes a couple seconds. Additionally, the best way I can describe the taste of virus concentrate was "sterile rot". A very unique kind of bad! Made worse by the test tube's inefficiency as a shot glass.
(by the way we were studying bacteriophages, not animal viruses. these viruses are too specialized on attacking prokaryotes to even recognize our cells as targets at all, according to studies.)
(but also like. if the viruses managed to successfully switch hosts and killed me with a violent infection, itd still be worth it.)
(for science.)
You have a fitting blog title
this post is getting 50k easy
LIKES TO CHARGE REBLOGS TO CAST
you people aren't CASTING
