Diamonds Are Forever

me whispering to my dog in the dark: hey.. you still up?

me, as my laptop fan suddenly becomes louder: what is it?? what program?? who is doing this to you????

*opening task manager* Who do I need to kill?

the older you get the more you appreciate just chilling at home doing nothing

its called being exhausted

That point in a piece of fanfiction where you can tell something embarrassing is about to happen so you start fucking around on tumblr because you’re a huge baby with a crippling overabudance of empathy.

I do this with every media I consume. I pause movies and have to walk around and prepare myself for second-hand embarrassment sometimes.

This is mE

I TOTALLY DO THIS.

Concept: you’ve been married to your wife for 3 years. You wake up in your bed before she does, your nose cold but your body warm. Careful not to wake her, you get out of bed and your toes curl when your feet hit the cold floor. You brew a pot of coffee and take a cup, making sure to leave enough for her. You pull on a big sweater and walk out onto your deck, sitting in a big wood chair to look out over the forest. The leaves are orange and edged with frost. All is quiet as the sun rises over the trees. You hear the door opening behind you and your wife sits down next to you, wrapping the comforter from your bed around both of you shoulders. You sit there like that until the sun is well up and your coffee cups are empty.

Oh my god. This is it. I want this so badly.

sometimes ‘brb’ stands for ‘be ready bitch’ so you have to be careful

ok so i made the mistake of standing on the beach in the dark and listen…….. listen. there is nothing that cares about you less than the ocean in the dead of night. it is tangible. you can’t fuckin see a thing. there is no horizon. it’s a ceaseless void and she cares for no one and loves nothing. you have to respect her bcs she clearly has no fuckin love for you and if she wanted she could take you and NO ONE WOULD KNOW

bad habits: visiting this fucking website every day 

did Harry Potter really have a currency called a knut??? how did preteen (and let’s be real twenty year old) wizards deal w that??

This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen I’ve been laughing for 5 minutes please send help

i love ignoring things….. people…. problems …. responsibilities……feelings…..

date someone who will sit down & say “let’s fix this” instead of being a child and ignoring you

What’s happening on Twitter? 😂

There is a reason they are called Smash Mouth

what would you do if you went to a party and they was playing owl city fireflies

Go hard

Planet earth might turn slowly but this ass don’t

“did you bring protection?” “don’t worry babe” *pours salt in a circle around bed*