blood4angels

my detested constant callback

i’d love to live in a timeline where i’m not constantly being shown a barrage of visions of murder and rape and gore whenever i’m around children or animals. how do i get these things to calm down without having to do immediate extensive trauma work

shitty part of being programmed is that i’ll always discount my own experiences. it’ll never be enough for me. it doesn’t matter how long it went on for or what they did or anything else. it’s still not enough. nothing will ever be good enough. nothing will ever be bad enough

isolation programming is so stupid sometimes. ohhhhhh im so out of place here ill never belong the only place i will ever belong to is with my groups….. and then at the groups it’s all ohhhhhh nobody is like me they all hate me…. i’m all alone the only people who will ever understand me are my handlers and the dead…..

programming realizations that make you go AOUGGJGGGJGHHHHHH😑😑😑😑😑

the desire to go back to our groups vs. the desire for children to no longer be experiencing things like what we did even now

sometimes i look at aspects of our internal functionings and wonder why my programmers couldn’t have just made ocs or something because they were clearly creative enough to ( - _ -) …

it’s rather annoying, going into the ramcoa tag and seeing so many syscourse posts which are not particularly related to ramcoa. of course, i can’t stop anybody from tagging as they will, but it’s a little tiresome, how this keeps happening… ~;

i loved so many people back then. and now they’re all gone. it’s hard. i miss so many of them, and i miss the ones i know i shouldn’t. i still miss being hurt. it was what i got used to; being so controlled felt comforting after some years. i didn’t have to think. not being my own person felt good. i liked being their figurehead.

sometimes i imagine that they killed me, or they took me for too long, and my family found out. and i think about people finding out about what was happening to all of us. i just wish people knew. all the ones that died and people still don’t know. they were never registered, or they were seen as another runaway. something like that. i was lucky because i was from a family that cared about me, that would notice if i was gone. they couldn’t kill me, hurt me in a way that would be noticeable. they got creative, and of course they still hurt me, but i got lucky. i was really lucky. i miss my friends that weren’t.