you're defined only by the choices you make

“Don’t. Pity. Me. And stop acting like you’re sorry when you’re not," Rin snarled, gritting his teeth as he leaned in towards her, flames igniting the leaves near the Hydra’s feet; the cool air around them suddenly turned hot and stifling, the humidity plummeting as well. Her approach to him kept shifting and changing like the tides, and it was driving him insane— the one thing that stayed constant, though, was the insults, which just infuriated the young prince even more. "I am proud of what I am. I’m just also not stupid enough to let myself get killed because of it," he snapped, claws digging into his palm as he clenched his fists. "Some of us aren’t lucky enough to be able to go without a glamour in Assiah." It was so incredibly unfair that Lernae, a full demon, looked more human than Rin did. Sure, her true form was probably nowhere near human, but her vessel did a better job at making her look human than the body Rin had been born into ever could.

Now a little more quiet than previously, she tilted her head to the side, as if appraising him yet again as he talked about glamours. Indeed, maybe she was lucky to not need a glamour, for simply occupying a human's body made her look like a human, easy as that. But, then again, changing her shape at will was a learnt skill; who said he couldn't do the same, with effort? Obviously, he had yet to consider that -- for now, his first choice was to sit around and whine about it. "Would you like to see what I look like without my glamour on?" she hummed in a low voice. The danger in the offer was well hidden -- but saying yes would have been just as good as straight out asking for a fight. A fight the young half-demon had no chance of winning, and a very feeble chance of surviving.

"The only solution is staying in here the rest of my life," he muttered, tears welling up in his eyes. "I-I’ve tried using glamours, but I’m not powerful enough to make myself look anywhere near human, let alone keep i-it up for long enough to go ou—o-outside. Am I supposed to just accept that?" A frustrated look came into the young demon’s eyes, his flames flaring. He shut his eyes tight, tears making their way down his face with his fists curled at his sides. "I— I just want to be a-able to go outside and meet people without them screaming at me and hurting me, like everyone else can!”

Then again, he was one to speak; with his current utter mistrust of (almost) all demons, he, too, used to be less of a pessimist (though of course, he liked to call it being a realist, but didn't all pessimists do that?). All he had meant was that Rin had to accept that he would probably never be able to go among humans in his true state and have them accept it immediately and without fright -- but if he concealed himself, who said he wouldn't be able to make acquaintances that would eventually overlook what he truly was?

Different. As long as Rin could remember, that’s what he’d been— different from humans, demons, and even his own family. His mother had always tried to make his uniqueness something positive, something to be proud of, but it mostly made Rin feel alone. The only person Rin felt like he was similar to was his father, and Rin had never met him. “I don’t wanna be different,” he said quietly, voice muffled by Fujimoto’s coat. “I wish I was either one thing or the other, like everyone else.” Occasionally, Rin got intensely jealous of Yukio for being fully, entirely human while Rin was stuck as a demon with a human heart and values; the human twin could fit seamlessly into the human world, but the demonic twin fit in neither the human nor the demon world. “If I was all human, then I could fit in the human world like Ma and Yukio do and nobody would be scared of me. And if I was all demon, I-I’d fit into the demon world like all of my older brothers a-and I wouldn’t c-care so much about people liking me,” he continued, sniffling a bit; as far as Rin knew, he was the only demon out there that genuinely cared about others and thirsted for friendship and approval. Other demons definitely made fun of him like he was.

"That's true," he finally agreed in a low murmur, and, after a moment of hesitation, he ruffled up Rin's hair a bit at the back of his head. "You probably would. But you know as well as I do, how impossible that is, yes?" It wasn't like he was trying to break the boy's heart, but what was the point in thinking this way, when literally all it accomplished was bringing emotional pain? "You keep thinking about the problem -- instead, you should think about a solution. About a way for you to come to terms with what you can't change, and make the most of it, instead of constantly trying to be something you aren't, and will never be."

Her two final comments infuriated Rin so much that he was having trouble keeping his flames from lashing out; it was so incredibly tempting to engulf the demoness in flames and watch her vessel burn… Rin’s fingers twitched, the flames around him swirling like a maelstrom— even though her type was strong against fire, Rin’s fire was different from all others. Perhaps he wasn’t at the level of his father, but he could still try his best to burn her to a crisp in seconds. The half-demon let out a loud snarl, the look in his eyes positively murderous; for once in his life, he looked exactly as threatening as the son of Satan was supposed to.

When his control began to slip, trying to make himself look threatening, she didn't tense up. Of course, the blue flames were dangerous to her, if wielded correctly, but he hadn't even seen two decades yet, and moreover, he lived even that minuscule amount of time in Assiah. There was no way he had the potential of even coming close to harming her. He was a few hundred years early for trying something like that. "The truth is upsetting, isn't it? Maybe I should have lied. Except, it would have been unkind, and it would have served no purpose of mine."

Rin looked up when Shirou said Rin wasn’t worth less than him, and that he should have visited Rin, the young demon’s expression vulnerable; oddly enough, hearing those words made something in Rin break. Instead of simply taking the Dragoon’s outstretched hand, the young demon hugged him, his breath coming out in gasping sobs as tears streamed down his face. Humans didn’t like people like him, especially exorcists— especially Shirou, who had more than enough reasons to hate demons —and yet the Dragoon was being so nice to him. Nobody outside of his family had ever been anywhere near this nice to Rin before. “Th-Thank y-you for— f-ffor coming back, a-and gi— g-giving me a ch-chance,” he hiccuped, rubbing at his face in order to wipe away some of his tears and snot. 

"Humans are... wary of things they don't know," he finally said in a low voice, messing up Rin's hair a little at the back of his neck. "You're something different, something unknown, and moreover, you remind humans of things that usually hurt them. Demons, that is. Even if you don't want to hurt them, they will assume you do, if they think you are a demon, because that's what most demons usually do. You get it?" The boy had to face the truth; he probably wasn't all that great with blending in. He stuck out like a sore thumb, it was no wonder he couldn't get human friends. Shirou wondered if it was even possible for him to learn how to. Growing up so far from society certainly didn't make it any easier.

“You know what? If— I-If he doesn’t want to see me, then fine," he spat vehemently, folding his arms across his chest. "I-I don’t need him. I’ve lived just fine without him up until now, so I-I— I don’t care if I-I’m not strong or smart or interesting enough for him! I-It’s his loss!" In spite of his confident words, Rin’s voice was quiet and he couldn’t stop fidgeting. Truthfully, it really hurt the half-demon that his father didn’t care about him enough to see him, but he’d never admit it to anyone, let alone Lernae.

She let out a derisive snort at the last thing the boy said. It was obvious he was just trying to convince himself now, of something he knew couldn't possibly be true. "His loss?" she repeated, her fangs glinting as she smiled. "The way you are, I doubt he considers it much of a loss."

"I was going to get hurt eventually, no matter what," he murmured, slumping with relief once Shirou’s gun was pointed at the ground. His fear wouldn’t be completely abated unless the gun was gone altogether, but it was a million times better than it being pointed at him. "It’s just part of being what I am. If I was in Gehenna, I’d be hurt and picked on a lot more, so I think I got off lucky." Rin knew that Gehenna was technically the homeland of all demons, but he also knew that most demons hated it there and that all the demons that permanently lived there were especially powerful. Rin also knew that most demons that lived in Gehenna hated humans and demons with human blood, so the idea of going there anytime soon scared him.

"I should have come back, after all... I was wrong."

"It was also your mother who told you that our Lord cannot come to Assiah, was it not? Well then, I believe my point stands proven already -- for that is not true. How do you think your mother got pregnant with you, if it weren't for him being here? Or did your mother say she was taken to Gehenna by someone else, yes?" Her voice was almost a purr at this point, or rather, would have been, if she were a similar type of demon that Rin was; as things were, it was a hiss-like sound, yet not cold at all, but full of laughter and cheer -- all at Rin's expense. "He can come, if he wants to. It takes a while for him to find something that can contain him for some time, and never for long, because of course, he is too powerful -- but if seeing you interested him even remotely, he would have come already."

He shook his head harshly, trying to clear his mind. “I have no doubt that he has factored you into whatever little scheme he’s working on at the moment, but that does not guarantee your safety, particularly when it comes to his human pets. Again, I must urge caution on your part, getting close to anything Samael considers to be his is always a risky venture.” Tilting his own head at his daughter, Egyn sighed lightly at her question. “Disposing of a potential threat is the kind of thing you and I would do, Lernae, but I’m afraid Samael has other, far more convoluted ways of doing things. He may be biding his time for some reason, waiting for you to make the first move, perhaps.”    

"Then he is going to be way too late," she said, the last three words sounding like a hiss, though not angry at all, closer to pleasurable, perhaps. "I couldn't care less of what he thinks, Father. As for his human pets, if he goes as far in scheming as sacrificing them only to have an excuse for revenge..." She tilted her head slightly. "That would be stupid; he would have found another excuse already, or it would mean his pets aren't all that precious to him at all, wouldn't it?"

"…Y-Yeah," he mumbled in response to Shirou’s question, resisting the urge to rub his shoulder and folding his arms across his chest insecurely instead. "A week ago. Everything finished healing up a few days ago, but it still hurts a little bit. Ma says it’s because the little metal thing was blessed," he continued, finally giving in and rubbing at the spot a little bit. "She said that’s why it healed so slow, too. Usually it only takes one or two days when it’s not blessed and doesn’t have holy water in it." It’d still healed much faster than a human’s would, but it was a snail’s pace compared to what Rin was used to. 

He gave Rin another long look, eyes lingering on his shoulder, and finally, his own gun was pointed towards the ground, the Dragoon forcing himself to relax. "I was hoping you'd realize what I was trying to tell you back then," he said almost reproachfully. "But, then again, you were so young... I bet you just thought I broke my promise, didn't you?" The look on Rin's face was enough of an answer, and Shirou smiled bitterly. "I wanted to make you lose your faith in me. Not because I didn't care, but because I wanted to make you think that no Exorcist can be trusted. I was hoping it would keep you safe. Apparently," he nudged towards Rin's shoulder with his chin, "it wasn't very effective, was it?"

Rin figured he had a lower chance of getting shot if he complied with Shirou’s orders, so he nimbly dropped out of the tree and onto the ground. However, he stuck close to the trunk of the tree, almost as if preparing to use it as a shield if things went south. He couldn’t take his eyes off of the gun, holding a hand on his left shoulder and rubbing it slightly. “I-It’s okay,” he mumbled, tail curling around his ankle again. “I— I know e-exorcists don’t like people like me very much.” The last time they’d met, though, Shirou had been okay with people like him— Rin wondered what had happened to change that. Maybe he’d been hurt like Rin had.

His eyes settled on the boy as he finally showed himself, gaze instantly wandering to the movement, eyebrows furrowing at the manner with which he was rubbing a sore spot, his eyes on the gun. It was more just a blind guess there, but... "Did someone shoot you recently?" The question was out before he could have stopped himself.

“What’s your purpose, then? Serving Satan?" Rin asked, expression hardening and his calm demeanor fading away. "And why did you come to see me if it has nothing to do with your purpose?”

Her scowl deepened at the last question. "... and why would I tell you what my purpose is? I don't see the slightest reason to do so."

"…Shirou-san?" Rin asked quietly, refusing to reveal himself despite having spoken; something about Shirou’s tone and the way he carried himself was different from what it had been, and it was making Rin nervous. The gun wasn’t helping, either— it was only the fact that Rin knew Shirou that kept him from running away at the sight of it. He rubbed the point where his left arm met his shoulder, comforted that his wound was now covered with a layer of pink, incredibly sensitive skin. "I-I—It’s me, Rin. The half-demon, remember? I finally figured out how to speak human right," he said, a small, nervous laugh leaving his lips. After a year had passed and he still hadn’t visited, Rin had given up on ever seeing Shirou again— he’d never thought that he’d show up again after 5 years. "It’s been a really long time, Shirou-san."

Finally, he lowered his gun a little, though he didn't yet let go of it. "I have been given much reason not to trust your kind lately," he said in a low, almost apologetic voice. "You'll forgive me if I'm cautious." However, as he finally caught a glimpse of the boy, he more or less had his mind made up -- he wouldn't harm him, as long as there was no sign that Rin intended to cause harm.

“I’ve become a lot stronger since the last time we met," he said, assuming his full height as his flames flared around him in an attempt to make himself look more threatening; Rin still wasn’t as tall as Yukio, but was still pretty tall compared to most Japanese men. By demonic standards, he might be young, but he still possessed a formidable amount of power due to being Satan’s son and heir to his flames. "And if you kill me, I swear I will take you down with me." Rin was hoping that ‘dying’ would just mean that his vessel would be destroyed, but that kind of thing was very unpredictable when it came to half-demons. He was utterly terrified of having to leave his family and friends behind, but he was also determined to keep them safe.

Yet again, she took a step closer to the half-demon, licking her lips again, so that they became another shade darker. "It is quite simple to grasp, honestly," the snake woman said condescendingly. "I have a purpose, and the things I do are for that purpose, and that only. Whatever else results from it is none of my concern, and I have no interest in doing anything that leads to no results." She scoffed at him. "Killing you, fortunately for you, also falls in the latter category. I have no interest in it. Frankly, you wouldn't even provide much amusement." She smiled again, that wicked, blood-chilling smile. "You were much more entertaining when you were small and scared."

He became even paler when Lernae mentioned the Dragoon, eyes wide. At the time, he hadn’t realized the true weight of what Lernae had told him to keep hidden— and now he was deeply regretting it.”Sh-Shirou-san? What— What did you do to him?!" A growl escaped his throat, stepping closer to the Hydra as his flames heated up; he might not have seen the Dragoon in 10 years, but he was a nice guy who didn’t deserved to be betrayed. Even though he went back on his promise to visit Rin again, all these years the half-demon had been convinced that it wasn’t on purpose, or that he didn’t want to."I thought you cared about him! If you hurt him when he trusted you so much, I’ll— I’ll burn your vessel to ash!”

"You care about him? Even though he never came back? That's sweet..." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm. Humans and demons having a peaceful relationship, that was something she had never believed in. One always either hated the other -- openly or secretly --, or wanted to use them for their own purposes; even the human-loving Samael had his own schemes, which ultimately came before everyone else. "It's not my fault that he trusted me, you know. It was his decision. If he were a little more clever, he would have realized he shouldn't have. But that's humans for you." She paused for a moment, a much harder look appearing in her eyes, similar to the ones she had worn on her face last time when she'd been threatening Rin. "You are a few thousand years early to fight me, little one."