de.sid.er.a.tum

I have struggled with anxiety all my life. Depression didn't hit me until the age of 8. That's still young. I often wonder if I'm ever going to make it through some days due to the panic attacks and anxiety attacks. As of January/February of this year (2018) I fell in love with a man. He has been there for me in the hardest, scariest moments in my life. He has been my best friend. When at times he probably should not have been because I didn't deserve it. Ias ready to get let go many times but he picked me right up. He takes care of me, mentally, spiritually, physically..you name it. This is the man I am to marry some day. I love him more than I've loved any other. I've never had a man treat me the way he does. True love. And nothing but love. This brings me to my point of typing this out. Due to my anxiety and depression I've noticed it has been getting a bit worse. Just this past weekend. I had bad anxiety and depression. I had a mental break down. I had a old church friend ask to take some photos of me for their photography. I said yes, I was kinda excited, kinda not. But I have been feeling overweight, skin is broke out, hair has needed cut and fixed for quite some time ... I just all around felt like a disgusting pig. How could I let myself go so much. I saw the pictues in my email. I broke down in ugly tears. all I saw was a pig. How gross. Not even the lightest of pretty. I tried so hard to pull myself together that whole day. I cried non stop that whole day. Threw church. Threw lunch. Threw shopping. Everything. I didn't stop crying. I tried so hard. Now because of my anxiety, I tend to be short with people. And the last person that I want to be short with is my man. I felt horrible. I didn't mean to be rude. I did not mean to have an attitude or say thing I didn't mean. I felt so so bad. That want me. I saw myself taking this way to the one I loved. It needs to stop. I can't do this to him. My anxiety should not have that affect. I can't let my problem hurt those who love me and I love. Why am I this way. And how can I change. I hated myself for being short with the one person who means the most to me. What is wrong with me? I've been on Prozac but it made me so much worse. Have had many many people tell me to try Xanax. I never have. I am starting to think it might be time. I just don't want to have to rely on medication to help me.

it never gets easier but somehow we survive. we face many hard moments in life thinking we will never survive or never get through it, yet we do. then now we look back at all those times thinking how silly and ridiculous the situation was. you might even laugh. can you remember being a small child getting in trouble or yelled at by your parents for something; being so overly worried and upset because you may never get that toy back or never go out and play with the neighbor kids again? you over thought the whole situation completely. you laugh now. but at that moment in time it was not even the slightest of funny. to you as a small child it was a real problem. now, can you think of a moment in middle school/ high school, where you has a test or a project. your whole life depended on passing it or getting a good grade. thoughts rush into your head like..."will i have to do it all over again and get behind?" "will i even graduate now?" "are my parents going to be completely disappointed in me and disown me?" you would put your heart and soul into this thing ending up just to get that bad grade or not pass. tears running down your cheeks maybe? turns out that you did indeed still graduated and life went on .you survived! you might look back on that now thinking "why did i stress over that subject so much?" you smirk at the memory thinking how silly it really was. next think of a time in your life when you felt a strong crush or love for a person. wanting to be with them so very much. it consumes your thoughts. the way the look, smile, stand and smell. this driving you crazy because there is some obstacle between you and this person you so very much desire. you don't know what your going to do. your thoughts might have been something like this, "how can i get their attention." how can i impress them?" or even "what if they end up with someone else other than me?" ouch. not a good thought to have, then one day you see or hear something about that person you had yourself so worked up about and now all the sudden your thinking "thank goodness i didn't go through with trying to get their attention." "what a jerk." "how could someone be so awful." you look back and laugh. you can't believe you were even attracted to this person. life is funny. more onto later years, you have your first job mishap, first time late or it's your first time missing a bill, first time fender bender, we can keep listing scenarios that have happened in life. the point in this is all those moments you thought your not going to make it and you did and you look back today and think if that same situation were to happen again you most likely wouldn't worry the way you did back in that moment. and if you are right now going through some life changes that you feel like your not going to get through. just remember of that time as a kid getting in trouble and how silly it was, but you survived. think of that time that you go out alive thinking you wouldn't and remember that right now in this moment in time, you are going to make it just fine!

You always do what you can to make the people around you happy. You pick them up when they fall, and listen carefully when they need someone to vent to.

Kill the part of you that believes it can’t survive without someone else.