Insie

But now, as the slow four weeks went by, his profile never seemed to have turned online or read your messages. You knew what was happening, unfortunately. You knew that Caleb battled his own mind with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and trauma, especially trauma. So he'd, on instinct, just close himself up.

And though very alarming at first, you knew he’d come crawling back into your arms and tell you everything after a few hours, or usually up to a few days.Which then he’d reply to every singular message you texted him in an almost annoying way, but that was Caleb.

So where was your Caleb? 

Something wasn’t right, your heart fluttered, and desperate to wrap the mission up as quickly as possible, you returned a day and a half early back to Linkon where you didn’t miss a beat and immediately booked the skytrain to Skyhaven after quickly showering, changing into more suitable clothes instead of looking like you survived war. You didn’t need to pack much.

Literally just a small purse and a phone to spend preferably, no, actually three weeks. Because you were requesting some time out of office, with a sob story that you had priorities, Caleb.

Your heart ached every time you thought about his sad puppy eyes and if he had ears, deflating in desolation as you kissed him a long goodbye.

You couldn’t articulate why just two months away was so long, considering you’ve reunited after a whole year of grieving for his “death” but nevertheless, it seemed longer because it took a toll on him.The moment the train reached Skyhaven plaza, you bolted out, turned back around to retrieve your purse you accidentally left, and took anotyou slow transit bus to Caleb’s residence. And now you were there, hoping endlessly that there was a sign of him fine. You had to physically shake your head from those thoughts.From the doorframe, his penthouse looked messy. Boots looked like he just tossed them carelessly when they were usually aligned neatly on the shoe rack. Dirty dishes piled up in the sink and even the counter beside the sink and dust collecting everywhere. And the thought his you..

You rapped on the door softly, in the way you and Caleb always did since childhood to let each each other know that it was them. Long, short,short, long. Originally it was a whole ritual, but this was just the shortened version you shortened throughout the years.

There was still heavy breathing, almost as if the person behind was gasping for air.You push the door open, and let out a sharp exhale, the colour that was drained from your face slowly seeping back. Your clammy hands felt more relaxed. Caleb, but worry still wrote all over your face. You walk closer to the bed, and he’s tossing and turning, mumbling incoyouent things.

You kneel onto the bed, your weight slightly sinking the mattress. He was having a nightmare, wasn’t he? 

You’ve danced to this before, and you were basically a professional on how to handle Caleb. You stroke the back of his bedridden hair before your hand trying to nudge in the space between him sleeping on his front and the wrinkled sheets. Your hand could feel soft prickles all over the lower part of his face. 

He must’ve not looked at his face for quite a bit you thought, but you didn’t care how he looked at the moment. “Caleb..” you softly whisper out, and he tensed a little from your voice or his dream, you weren’t sure. He looked rough. Like he hasn’t been sleeping well in days. Part of you wanted to snuggle in with him and console him until it was all over, another part was screaming that you needed to wake him up.

 “Guess who’s ho-ome.” You softly sing out, not wanting to startle him, that could be the worst possible outcome for someone like him. His breath staggers a little in return before his eyes try to flutter open.

And when they did, his once bright violet eyes looked numb. Sad and soulless. Like his brain had been offline.

“Hey baby.”

You whisper down at him. He sits up, sort of robotically before he really wakes up, and when he does?

“Pipsqueak?” His hoarse voice rasps out, his eyes widening and his imaginary ears that drooped low the last time you “saw” them, perked up. Tears rimmed around the bottom of his eyes. You gently smile and hold his hand.

“Yeah, I’m here now.” And those tears threaten to spill out waterfall, as he immediately wraps his arms around you so quickly you almost fall back onto the sheets. You shakily chuckle as he sobs into the crook of your near, warm tears running down your collar bone. His stubble pricks a bit of your neck, but you couldn’t care less as you finally wrap your arms around his broad back as he shakes, your heartstrings threatening to just snap off from heartbreak.

“My pretty boy..” you trail. He doesn’t let go for a good three minutes, in fact, tightening his grip around you as if you’d disappear again before you feel his hands loosen and he collapses onto you, and the both of you fall back into the sheets. 

You giggled unsure how to react as you hold back tears of your own. And you get back up and notice how rough he looked. Apart from his puffy eyes, heavy eye bags drooped under his almost emotionless eyes that you shuddered seeing, and his stubble around him told you everything you needed to know.

He didn’t smell like his usual scent of sweet apples and a warm July evening. No, it seemed like he wasn’t able to physically shower.

He had an old faded DAA university hoodie that looked like that was the only thing he’s worn. And with dirty sweatpants. You tried being discreet as possible but Caleb noticed you eyeing him up and down and became very self-conscious. He awkwardly placed a hand at the back of his neck and looked around at the usually clean but now very messy room.“I..I found it hard to..” he was about to mumble, looking embarrassed but you cradle the right side of his cheek.

“I get it.” And that’s all you had to say before his glossy eyes almost took over as he tremoured to shakily explain himself.

“It was already hard enough ‘fore you left an’ then…then..I don’ know wha’ happened..” Your heart broke at the thought of him silently struggling alone.

“Why didn’t you text me back? I was worried sick.” You asked.

“Couldn’t bring myself to do it. Thought I was being clingy. What kind of boyfriend or man is so clingy, he.. he can’t live without his girlfriend..?”

“My Man.” You whisper.

He looks up to meet with your eyes.

“I couldn’t take it, what if you were..you were.. an’ if by texting you, I’d be more scared.. and..” “you were trying to protect yourself in a way.” You finished off for him, because even though he was jumbling his words, you could always understand him. 

He nods, defeat and past anxiety dancing in his eyes. You let out a breath and know what you have to do. “Come on, when’s the last time you took a shower?” And you lead him up, in which he sort of stumbles before using his evol to balance him out, which then makes you really wonder how long it’s been since he got out of bed. He is a little flustered, looks at the ground before murmuring.

“ ‘round a few weeks..” like he was waiting for you to judge him. But you didn’t. Didn’t even make a joke about how bad he smelt. You lead him to the bathroom and turn on the shower knob, not making it hot or cold, just warm in general. You have to physically drag him in, as he sort of follows you, a little clueless. You rub the palm of his hand and gesture to him to get in.

“Want me to stay or to leave?” You ask. “Stay.” He sniffles and you help him out of his clothes, quickly running to the washing machine to throw in (violently). You stay outside, holding a towel as you sit on top of the elongated bathroom marbles counter, smiling at him in which he’d return a weak smile back.

Once he finished up after gently reminding him time was up, you handed him the towel to cover himself and hold up a couple of hygiene supplies. You hold up a razor, your face wash and some of your skincare that you once jokingly(?) warned him to not use, though it was clear he didn’t heed your warnings and just replaced them before you came.

“I’m really getting spoiled today, huh?” He attempted a grin and you were happy just seeing a smile. Fake or not.“It’s part of the girlfriend care package?” You wink and smile. And a few moments later, you have him in between your legs dangling from the counter as you shaved the stubble off.

“You honestly look cute with it, but you also look like a sleep-deprived dad.” You joke, as with utter precision and care you avoid nicking him. “You really think I’m cute when I’m like this?” He slowly whispers. The dark blue razor is just upheld in your hand, in the air as you think about what to say. Because just complimenting him wasn’t…deep enough.

You looked back up at him and smiled as you carried on with the last part of his face.“Caleb, do you think I’m pretty?” You softly tease with the question hanging in the air. He looks up, almost surprised, voice raspy from days of silence. “Yeah,Of course.”You smile for a heartbeat really trying to keep it in but then your expression falters. He looks thinner, the edges of him dulled and you really notice how his eyes are red-rimmed and hollow. The air smells like dust and stale coffee.

“Then… why don’t you ever believe it when I tell you you’re handsome?”Caleb blinks, thrown. You lean in forward and cup his face in both hands. your thumb drags gently over the rough stubble along his jaw, the texture of raw neglect.

“You used to shave. Remember when we were kids? You used to smile like an idiot when I called you beautiful? Now you look at yourself like you’re something broken.”

Your boyfriend opens his mouth, but the words stick in his throat. You shake your head, eyes glistening.

“You are enough. You always have been. You’re my favorite face in the world. The way your eyes light up when you talk about childhood, Lego buildings, just teasing me, the way you laugh like it surprises you every time,God, I missed that. I missed you.”

your voice trembles and you press your forehead to his. “You don’t know what it did to me, seeing you like this. You’ve been torturing yourself, haven’t you? Thinking I wouldn’t come back, or that you weren’t worth waiting for.”

he doesn’t answer. His silence says everything. Your hands cup his cheeks tighter.

“Listen to me. You’re kind. You’re gentle. You love like it’s the only thing you know how to do. You take care of people even when you’re falling apart. You’re the best man I’ve ever known, and I hate that you can’t see that.”

your voice cracks, tears running freely now.

“So yeah, I’m pretty. But you—” your thumb traces his now cleanly shaven cheekbone, trembling “—you’re beautiful. Not because you look perfect, but because you love like this. Because you feel like this. Because you survived it.”

He finally exhales, a sound between a sob and a breath, and collapses into you. His hands clutch you like she’s the only thing keeping him from disappearing.

“I just thought…you… my pipsqueak would leave her Gege if you ever saw me like this.” He mumbles.

“Never, especially when you’re like this.” You whisper. “I stopped checking my phone. Every time it buzzed, I froze. If it wasn’t you, it just… hurt too much.”

You tilt his chin up until he meets your eyes. “I was gone, but I never left you. Not for a second. He gives a soft, broken laugh, forehead pressed to yours. “You’re the only thing that makes me feel real.” Caleb whispers.“This is all real, Caleb. Me sitting on your bathroom counter, coercing you into using my face scrubs, I’m here.”

You press a long, deliberate kiss to his cheek. It feels like time stood still as he leaned into your touch, exhaling as his arms rightfully found his way to your waist. You pull back, and he almost elicits a whine before you give him a watery smile, sniffle as you rub your nose and jump off the counter.

“I think it’s time to get you home-cooked food. Don’t pretend I didn’t see plastic plates and McDonald’s take out bags in the trash.” Your boyfriend smiles as you guide him back to bed, tucking him in with a fresh set of pajamas like a mother hen. You plant a kiss on his forehead, temple and lips after stroking his hair a little bit

. You hum a tune, a slow and sweet one. That one song you and him both discovered once upon a time of early dating. The memories of dancing together,barefoot with pajamas in the middle of the night as popcorn for midnight-munchies were being heated.

His eyes flutter shut, and you slip out after picking up a couple of clothes from the floor and sorted them either into the washing hamper, or back in his closet, neatly tucked and colour coded like he meticulously arranged them. Your work wasn’t done even if you just put your darling to sleep.

You were determined to wash all those dishes, piled after pile. And tackling the garbage from the bin and scattered all over the floor. And an hour of humming tunes where you swore you could hear Caleb very off-key harmonizing with you in the back of your mind, this apartment was clean.

Caleb was safe and clean. It would take him a large amount of time to slowly climb out of this slump, and you’d be sure to let him know that you were there with every little step of the way.

“Baby?” You hear his faint croak. You walk back to the bedroom, peeking your head from the doorframe. “Please..come here.” The bed feels different tonight.warmer, quieter, safer. The air still smells faintly of your shampoo, the one scent that hadn’t entirely disappeared from his sheets.

He lies on his side, back pressed against your chest, your arm wrapped snugly around his waist. His breathing is uneven, still learning how to slow down after two long, hollow months. You can feel the exhaustion in his body, the way his muscles tense even as he tries to rest.“I’m sorry,” he whispers into the dark.You blink, half-awake, your voice groggy but gentle.

“For what?”He hesitates, fingers twisting in the blanket like he needs something to hold onto. “For looking like this,” he finally murmurs. “For letting everything fall apart. I thought you’d come back, see me, see the place, and just… want to leave. I figured you’d want to do other things. Be with someone who didn’t—” He stops, voice breaking in the quiet. “—who didn’t fall apart so easily.”

Your heart cracks.

You tighten your arm around him, pulling him closer until your chest presses to his back and your lips are right by his ear. “Hey,” you whisper. “Look at me.”He hesitates, then rolls slightly, enough for his eyes to meet yours in the soft light seeping through the curtains. His face looks so tired,his cheeks a little sunken, his eyes rimmed with the kind of ache you can’t sleep off.“You think I came all this way to judge you for surviving?” you ask quietly. “You think I care about dishes or dust or any of that? 

You were alone, hurting, trying to hold yourself together when you thought I might never come back. Of course things fell apart. You were hurting.”

You reach up and brush your fingers through his messy hair, thumb resting at his temple. “I didn’t fall in love with you because you had it together all the time. I fell in love with you because of how you love,because even when you’re breaking into pieces, you still care.”

His breath stutters, eyes glistening as his chest rises and falls like he’s trying not to cry. You lean in, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek, then another to the corner of his mouth.“You didn’t scare me off,” you whisper.

“You make me want to stay.”That’s when he breaks. His shoulders shake as he turns in your arms, hiding his face against your collarbone. You hold him tighter, your fingers tracing circles across his back. His voice comes out small, muffled against your skin. “You don’t know how bad it got.”

You swallow hard, steadying your voice. “Then show me,” you say. “Let me see all of it. We’ll fix it together, okay?”He nods against you, trembling a little. You press your lips to his hair. “You don’t have to be perfect for me to love you,” you murmur.

“You just have to be here.”He exhales, slow and shaky, and the tension finally leaves his body. You keep tracing patterns along his arm, whispering into his hair, “We’ve got time now. No more counting days. No more empty bed. Just us.”

He doesn’t answer, but he doesn’t need to.

You can feel it in the way he melts into you, the way his breathing evens out. For the first time in months, he drifts off in your arms,safe, quiet, and finally home.