A Troubular Gentleman

2020 has been a summer unlike any other, 

tougher for all of our sisters and brothers,

both white, and of all beautiful colors.

Far too many full of heartache and pain, 

far too many friends unlawfully slain.

Bigotry and hate, protests, and riots, 

Spouting from anger and uprises 

caused by leadership leading fleetingly,

only when it’s far too late.

So here are some words, a first attempt at prose,

from a soon-to-be, obviously, poet-non-pro,

deeply concerned, cis-male,

who’s hetero.

Here to tell a tale already often told.

I’m the very face of those,

from whom oppression so often flows.

So, here’s one of my humble goals:

to apply pressure,

not leisure,

to the powers of those,

blessed with privilege, 

long-saved from the spotlight’s visage,

cloaked in the robes of our legislative “pros”

working to subvert so many of the hopes,

found in our nation’s very mission.

I seek only to serve, to proclaim,

the words of so many others,

frustrated just the same,

as you and me.

I seek no fame, 

won’t offer my name,

for this isn’t for me, or just mine.

Still I’ll use my mind and some rhymes to give voice,

to those empowered with a civic choice,

to vote out Trump and let liberty rejoice.

As we tear down these macabre monuments, 

to the very evil men and their emoluments,

of a nation born from slavery and unjust bondage.

We must not fail, this fall, 

to oust those who respond to change’s call,

with anger, those not seeking to progress,

who would rather just build a wall,

a wall which actually, in this pandemic,

imprisons us all.

My voice is not unique, 

my arguments unoriginal, 

but my brothers’ voices have been treated

as though their message of equality is subliminal, 

or worse yet, even treated as criminal.

I offer these words, 

sharpened as swords,

thrust to the hearts of those,

who would see our nation boarded,

closing our borders out of ignorance and fear.

If this white guy writes it, 

more ears may hear,

that it’s high time, 

for Trump’s crimes,

to be jeered, 

not revered. 

May his terror come to an end this year.

What happened to this country,

this often proclaimed, sacred place? 

Such a fast descent, 

by a nation once famous, 

for being the epitome of decent!

I was graced to be a

person to loudly praise, 

a flag we once proudly raised.

Yet I find my ability to feel pride these days,

lost in the crazed haze of an unending maze,

I’m amazed!

That one administration could annihilate, 

wipe clean, what once was etched-in-slate,

opposed to bigotry and the idiocy of hate.

A nation once held as the world’s standard,

our idiotic elected grandstander,

feigns to be patriotic,

now pleased to see our good name slandered.

He’s idiotic.

Yet he’s allowed to keep pandering, 

with his ill-informed clamoring,

words fired through twitter rants,

like munitions, his answers,

shot from poorly-aimed panzers, 

always missing the mark,

with his every childish remark.

How is a narcissistic man, 

with toxic insecurity, 

somehow in charge, 

of our national security?

He’s best friends with our enemies, 

insulting foreign dignitaries, 

unhidden, unmitigated glee,

In his unceasing, dictator-loving tweets.

Can we survive a longer regime? 

Sorry, candidacy, 

excuse me. 

The thought of four more years?

Insane. Lunacy.

His qualities elude me. 

Let’s vote as though, 

we know, 

it’s life and death, 

not right and left,

Come from high, 

with pride, 

to legally, loudly reply, 

NO.

To this despot wannabe,

And all his policies.

Let’s delight in, 

and ignite this,

fight for the right,

of minorities and whites,

to sleep safely at night,

without the fear to die,

by the guns of guys, 

with flashlights,

silhouetted by blue, red, and white, 

flashing lights.

Our founders, 

flawed as they were,

fought to write, in our laws, 

to create and ensure 

the right of a free press,

free people, from censure.

Let’s venture, 

to make sure Trump, 

sees due process.

For crimes,

of which he and his crew are fraught with. 

When justice finds just causes, 

May they rot quick.

We’ve got this!

Imperfect is our history. 

Slavery.

Misery.

Idylatry.

All sins sold under the guises,

of promises of free commerce.

of equality, and progress.

For a party whose,

platform swears, 

they’re rooted in “family values,” 

there’s sure a lot of jack-booted, 

attacks “reforming” a family’s value...

What child thrives, 

where friends’ lost lives, 

remain on their minds, 

more than nine times nine?

What test can measure, 

the propensity for infants,

who grow up bearing witness,

to a nation still plagued by instants,

where the dispensation of value,

to the lives of its very own citizens,

is called into question,

subservient to what’s best for businesses?

Do all lives truly matter to all you guys,

if the words “Black Lives Matter,”

is still treated as idle chatter,

by the privileged whites,

with sharpened knives to grow fatter,

off foods they serve from shiny silver platters?

Not sure about you, 

but I’d certainly rather,

reexamine the sadder,

realities of this ideal world,

we’re all supposedly after.

If all lives matter, 

why is it so often that,

the lives of non-whites are stolen, 

by preventable, tragic blood splatter?

If all lives matter,

where are our 

Make America Safe Again 

face masks? 

We should act fast!

So why no calls to wear them? 

How can protecting others scare them?

What about healthcare as a right

for all, not just those with the right

combination of employment rights?

How can you find enjoyment in spite?

How is it some Americans 

don’t want to help you,

only them, only me?

If we are all healthy,

wouldn’t that make us all more wealthy?

The benefits are obvious, not stealthy.

Too expensive they interjected? 

Imagine the extent of all our successes, 

when even our very poorest are healthy, fed, protected.

Imagine taxing to heal wounds,

and cure diseases,

not just bombing homes of anyone our nation pleases.

Think of the incentive

to return to being inventive

and progressive, 

instead of racially regressive,

and factually repressive.

An “us” led by intellect, 

and mutual respect,

not a nation poorly led by a rapist, 

with low intellect,

obsessively bent on committing incest?

Change is uncomfortable, I’ll admit it, 

but only when it’s not 

by all of us, sought. 

How can you not be committed? 

Our destiny lies not in honoring our past atrocities, 

but in supporting the youth, the futures of 

our inner cities.

Red lines drawn on white papers,

by white banks,

defunding peoples’ dreams, 

with perpetuities? 

No thanks.

Stealing fathers from families, 

for minor transactions, 

in a war on drugs 

with no clear factions,

I wonder who I would be, 

if this government and its agencies, 

not my mother and father, raised me?

So in the votes we make this fall; 

if we survive this pandemic,

will we lead a globally resurgent economy, 

or just build a wall?

Our destiny calls.

Do we fight for our values, 

stand tall, return impressive, 

or bend to the whims,

of Russia’s favorite operative/submissive?

Tired of negative press?

Same. 

Tired of old arguments 

screamed by new generations? 

Same. 

Solution?

It goes by many names.

A Congress, 

non-factioned, 

ran by compromise and compassion, 

lost in translation, this nation

has lost sight of a government led in this fashion.

It is now our choice whether to embrace the pace 

of this status quo approach 

or to eradicate those,

who would choose to placate 

the fragile ego

of a twitter-happy child of a man 

from an old, failed TV show.

All it takes is casting a vote against bigotry.

False Christianity.

Unfairly privileged diplomatic immunity 

for criminality that’s lasted too long

in too many communities.

Dump Trump. Please.

Enjoy the release 

that can only come 

when all, not some

can freely breathe with ease,

not fearing the hate-filled knees

too often pressed into their necks

while all the world sees.

A world which so far, has failed to cease

the president’s support of mentalities 

that feed into these 

constant acts of depravity.

Trump misleads the masses,

every time he holds a mass 

on the altar of a mass grave 

of our continent’s natives.

Justice for them, too long belated.

Change a racist football team’s name?

This argument is so insane,

it shouldn’t have to even be made,

yet the value of a change

eludes Trump’s brain.

Let’s find solutions and climb higher. 

We can inspire 

generations mired

in mediocrity,

to return the USA to a state of global veneration.

Flawed as our founding fathers were,

they wrote down an adequate foundation, 

solid enough to create a united, brave nation

that was wise enough to never be satisfied, 

with the laws which it originally, 

never perpetually,

ratified.

Black lives matter doesn’t mean white lives don’t.

Our history is more than slavery and oppressions,

But in unintentionally erasing 

or maliciously misplacing 

all our hard-learned lessons,

we have forgotten to fear the transgressions 

of those who might

wear all white,

hidden faces under hoods, 

proclaiming their might

in the night

to bomb churches of those who don’t look exactly like

“their” like. 

Regression is infectious

to a foolish populace. 

We can be better together, 

now more than ever.

Policies to the contrary 

cannot return us 

to being seen as visionary,

exemplary or just.

Progress may cost us,

but it’s worth every cent,

to end the recent trend

of descending towards idiocracy.

When there’s hope, we should freely offer it, 

while Trump would just seek to profit off of it. 

His coffers?

They’re coffins

full of debts delayed, 

or outright unpaid. 

So wholly is he depraved! 

A bankrupt conscience is becoming of him, 

just as our nation of many languages

languishes with poisoned veins,

direct injections of the insane,

coming from his MAGA hatted-campaigns.

We live in unprecedented times, 

led by a man guilty of unpresidential crimes, 

over multiple times.

Still some wonder why our response to COVID has been

so criminally negligent at every non-step by this has-been?

We will only find 

the answers we seek

in the eyes,

hearts and minds 

of each other,

not in the lines 

in the tomes from guys,

famous for supporting 

the enslaved lives of

who they saw as “others.”

We cannot be scared to find 

within ourselves the immense potential in all of us.

For it is this fear that would blind

our minds with small distractions.

We can no longer accept these small retractions 

by weak politicians who lie in speeches,

to justify Trump’s evils 

when he preaches

to the far right,

their tiki torches alight in moonlight.

He slanders simple truths,

for this we should force him to retire

this very hour of our nation’s need, most dire.

In spite of the lies from the right

of the “might” 

of our healthcare system, 

we should rise and despise

this common enemy, 

slaughtering our sons and daughters 

indiscriminately.

Where’s coronavirus’ vaccine?

Or will we sink to and accept

our fragility 

under the Nazi war eagle-like wings 

of Trump and his cabinet of imbecility?

Will we support science’s progress, 

doctors, masks, common sense,

cleanliness and unbiased reason?

Or will you continue to be party to a misinformed, 

incoherent man’s opinion, 

and help him to keep carrying out his treason?

Will we succumb to those abhorrent qualities 

of the absolute worst of our nation’s presidency?

Or will we give the world a memorable November, 

a turning point in history that will forever be remembered?

Will we grow stronger and come together, 

or stand ignorantly apart?

Will you vote for a failed party,

or vote to save this nation’s heart?

Sincerely signed,

Cinnamon and garlic butter-basted, mesquite infused ribeye with riced cauliflower drizzled in a smoked tomato reduction and paired with a grilled ear of corn.

This is my first recipe (happens to be low carb) and I’m really only writing it all down because I winged this whole dish from start to finish and it turned out delicious! I’ve provided process photos to help guide you through this labor of love. I promise the results will be well worth your while. I won’t bore you with some long, drawn-out story about stuff you don’t care about like most recipe posts. If you try this, leave a comment about how you liked it or how you might tweak it in the future.

This is a reverse-seared ribeye that I seasoned with my own blend of ground cinnamon, paprika, sea salt, ground black pepper, garlic powder, onion powder and just a touch of brown sugar. Amounts are non specific, but essentially are equal parts of the whole for a slightly sweet, smoky, salty rub. I finished with some dried rosemary sprigs because I like the aroma they give off when lightly roasted and then toasted on the grill. I paired the steak with some steamed, riced cauliflower that I drizzled with a fire-roasted tomato reduction. I also recommend an ear of grilled corn which I will show at the end.

Ingredients you will need (feeds two adults): 

This was a 12 oz boneless Ribeye cut about an inch thick but you could use any cut you prefer (cooking times will vary slightly depending on fat content, marbling, desired level of done-ness and thickness obviously)

Birdseye Riced frozen cauliflower (easy to steam in the bag)

Ground cinnamon (dash for the rub, and another dash for the baste)

Paprika (dash)

Sea salt (dash)

Ground black pepper (dash)

Garlic powder (dash)

Onion powder (dash)

Brown sugar (dash)

Dried Rosemary (dash)

Clove of garlic (minced)

3 tbs of butter

2 tbs of olive oil

6 oz Nature Sweet Cherubs tomatoes

(Optional) Two large ears of fresh corn in their husks

Season on both sides with the ground cinnamon, paprika, sea salt, ground black pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, brown sugar, and finally, the rosemary. Once you have dusted each side, be sure to press the seasoning into the steak with your hands to ensure a proper crust can form later on the outside of your steak. Let your steak pull in the seasonings over at least 30 minutes but preferably up to 8 hours. Preheat your oven to 200 degrees and pull your steak out of the fridge. Leave on counter to allow the chill to be taken off the steak before placing it in a cast iron skillet (or a baking sheet).

Now for the magic you may have yet to have tried. The reverse sear. This will deliver a perfect medium-rare steak with little to no risk of overcooking your steak and losing the juice that makes steak worth paying up for. Place your steak in the oven at 200 degrees for about 45 minutes (thinner, leaner cuts will be closer to 35-40 minutes) or until you’ve got an internal temperature around 95 degrees. As the oven starts to work its magic, light up your charcoal grill. You will flip your steak over after the first 22 minutes. This will bring the internal temperature of your steak up to the perfect medium rare. After the flip and the full 45 minutes, pull your pre-perfection steak out (pictured below). 

You’ll see some juices that have exited the steak during this process, but don’t worry, the best flavor is still very much in the steak. Drizzle with just a tiny touch of olive oil, as this will help the steak reintegrate some moisture as you let it rest at room temperature for 10 minutes (make sure you remove the steak onto a cutting board or it will continue cooking in the skillet). 

While your steak is resting, slice the rinsed cherub tomatoes in half, placing them in a tin foil “basket” and lightly salt them, then seal the basket into a steam pot (pictured below, to the right of the steak).

Place the steam pot of tomatoes on the grill for about ten minutes. This will help reduce the resulting “sweat” from the tomatoes into a tangy, acidic glaze for both our steak and the cauliflower. Now that you’ve let that steak rest, it’s time to sear the outside. Once your grill is up to around 325 around 4 inches above the coals (if you can’t keep your hand hovering above the grill’s grate for more than about a second, you’re probably on the money), slap that steak down and don’t touch it for 2 minutes, allowing those heavenly char lines to imprint themselves onto your ribeye. Flip your steak and leave it for another 2 minutes. Right after this flip is the time to steam your cauliflower for 5 and a half minutes in the microwave. Pull the steak off and let it rest on the cutting board again.

As your steak is resting, use the cast iron skillet you used in the oven and melt the butter into the skillet over medium heat. Add the fresh garlic, pinch of cinnamon and drizzle just a splash of olive oil and infuse the garlic into the butter. When the garlic begins to brown, place your steak in this glorious bath of flavor and tilt the skillet towards you, gathering the butter, garlic and oil for you to spoon and drench your steak for an additional two minutes. 

Immediately remove steak back to cutting board to rest for two minutes before slicing and preparing to plate over your bed of cauliflower. Resting is pivotal to allow the steak to recoup the juices that heat forces out for the first two rest periods, and this third one ensures clean, sharp cuts can be made across the grain to provide the most tender bites of steak you have ever made yourself.

Optional corn: Once you’ve lit your coals, place your ears of corn on the grill after removing about half of the husk’s layers and de-silking the tip of each ear. The corn will essentially need to cook for about 30 minutes, being rotated regularly to ensure even heating and preventing the husk (which should be slightly damp before grilling, from catching on fire and ruining your corn. This picture shows how my corn looked moments before removing it from my 22″ Weber Original Kettle grill.

This picture shows how my corn looked moments before removing it from my 22″ Weber Original Kettle grill. I find this to be delicious as-is, without adding any butter or seasoning, but how you eat your corn is your business.

This isn’t so much a tale of success so much as it is an outlet to vent frustration from tales I’ve heard from some close to me and experiences I’ve had in general. I’ve been on numerous sites now to try and find my next (and obviously, hopefully last) person to share my life with, and I have given it the ole college try, joining Bumble, Hinge, Hily, Match, and finally, *deep, defeated sigh* Tinder and even more ridiculously, facebook’s dating feature. Yeah, I know. I’m not happy about it either.

Never in a million, trillion years would I have told you I would ever join a dating site. I’ve never struggled with meeting people and connecting with people, and especially those of the female persuasion. But COVID turned the world upside down just as my last relationship came to an end, and in lieu of being able to safely mingle with strangers due to the lockdown orders, etc. here I am, single in a world-alteringly isolating event.

I’m writing this more in the hopes that someone special reads this decides they should join these sites and match with me. Maybe I can alleviate some fears you may have about putting yourself out there if you’re hesitant to try it. I’m going to start with an overview of my experience across the various platforms, and then I’ll go into some rants about each specific app.

Overview - Love by the Numbers

Times are TOUGH these days when it comes to dating. I’d like to think I’m a relatively solid potential boyfriend. I’m stable, smart, witty, supportive, and have a generally good grasp on all of my s***. I’m nowhere near as attractive as I used to be, but I would argue I’m also not hideous (maybe I’m wrong). In the approximate month I’ve spent so far in my online search, I will conservatively say I have swiped left (a no thank you) about 7000 times for various reasons unique to each individual profile and swiped right (I think I like you) about 1000 times. Whenever possible, I attempt to initiate conversation, just like I would typically do if we were meeting for the first time face-to-face. Of those let’s say 1000 I’ve shown interest in, and I don’t mean to brag too hard about this, I have probably matched (both parties swiped in the same direction of right) with about 40 people, most on either Match or Hinge, followed by Tinder.

Now, of those 40, I have actually gotten a response from maybe half of them, and had an actual conversation with about 8 for more than a day or so. usually having to jump through hoops to get to an app like snapchat or instagrams DMs to communicate more readily. Of these 8, There are only 2 who I have actually been in contact with for longer than week. Down to one person now that the one made it clear they weren’t interested in dating monogamously (which is her right and I wish her the best, I’m not one to judge people for what makes them happy). Out of conservatively 1000. One. And while this person seems amazing to me so far, communication has been very limited and sporadic due to a number of reasons I am unaware of but assume can be chalked up to them having a life outside of dating apps, which I fully support and like them more for. However NONE of these 40 or so “matches” has turned into a single meet-cute or date so far.

So if you’re considering online dating, especially during this crazy time of quarantine and isolation and businesses closing, etc., know that it is not at all like you see in movies and tv shows where people just swipe and bang it out the same day (unless you’re a sexworker, which there are apparently more than I ever had imagined there could be operating at one time in towns like Brownwood and Cleburne). And I guess I should add if you’re in your late twenties with more priorities than an orgasm fix, online dating isn’t what you see on tv. Maybe I’m just too old or too responsible as a parent for the online dating scene to vibe with me.

I will provide an update if I ever get to take this girl on an actual date, no worries, but until then, here’s my take on each app I’ve been using so far, in the order I joined them.

Match - Wanting to find something long-term and serious, I thought this would be the only site I would try. hahaha Boy was I wrong! It’s free features only allow you to make a profile and then see (in my area, meeting my “maximum distance” and desired qualities search  at least) about 20 profiles before it tells you there’s no one else in your area who meets your criteria. If someone likes you it tells you you got a like, but it doesn’t tell you who they are or allow you to view their profile. You can message the people you like, but have no way of knowing whether they are active on the site anymore (I’ve found several outdated profiles for people I know who are now in relationships who apparently forgot to deactivate their accounts), whether they read what you said, like or hate what you said, or even view your profile unless they also randomly “like” you. Then it’s a “match” but you only get like three messages for free before you have to wait the next day to get your messaging rights restored for another 3 messages. 

So I paid for a subscription and hated myself for financing such a futile search. I had I want to say 15 “likes” on here and thought that would justify the money I spent to be able to see who they were and message them directly. When I could reveal who “liked” me, only one of them was both someone I was interested in from their profile and even REMOTELY close to my house (I want to say it was about 70 miles distance) This at least allows me to view more people, send (but not necessarily receive) unlimited messages and like more than the 3-5 “suggested/top profiles” it generates each day. Many of whom are the same people over and over again, even if you have given their account a “no.” What I will say for the app is it is easy to use and understand and has a track record of working for other people, so maybe give it a try if you’re in a bigger area with a higher population than Stephenville, America.

Bumble - PSA: for heterosexual females, YOU HAVE TO MESSAGE THE GUY FIRST BEFORE WE CAN MESSAGE YOU SO STOP PUTTING “Ask me anything, I won’t message first” AS YOUR BIO ON BUMBLE YOU ARE WASTING EVERYONE’S TIME. 

This was my next foray into the dating app world. I chose it because I had heard advertisements for it on pandora and knew a few people who had used it before and didn’t say it was awful. After setting up a very similar profile, I was shown one profile of a woman at a time, with the only option to swipe right or left, left being no, right being I’m interested. Bumble doesn’t allow males to send a message unless they have been matched and messaged first (for heterosexual males at least. Happy Pride to everyone reading this out there and I hope your Bumble experience is better than mine!). 

I originally liked the idea of not having to stress about how to break the ice with a total stranger through a character-limited text box, but have found Bumble to be the least usable app across all platforms when using their free features. If a girl “likes” you, you get a notification with a super pixelated/blurred image of her main profile picture, but nothing else. So gaming the system to like them as they come through your “feed” of potential “bees.” But I don’t think they can message you unless you match with them either. So essentially my experience with the free part of the app was just a ton of swiping with no matches for days. Eventually, I was randomly offered a week’s free trial of their paid service, so I took that thinking “why not?” Well, my 13 “likes” were all disappointing or states away once revealed by the upgrade. I am back to the free app experience and to date have not matched with a single person on bumble. 1/10 do not recommend this app.

Hinge - At the suggestion of a friend and former coworker who has found success with this app, I joined, created an identical profile (literally every photo and every bio entry/answered question was identical to bumble because by this point I was giving up entirely haha) I began Hinge-ing. Hinge allows you to say yes or no like every other app, but also allows you to select individual parts of a person’s profile and send them a message, but limits you to about 45 characters it feels like with the message, so making that first impression with anything other than a cheesy pickup line or a short response to their photo prompt is dang near impossible. Luckily cheesy pickup lines are my calling card. 

I’ve actually had the most matches with a conversation on Hinge I think. The drawback with Hinge is it limits how many people you can message and like to about ten in a day. Which when you think about it sounds ridiculously generous but when you factor in how many peoples’ accounts apparently aren’t active anymore, those who won’t be interested in you for whatever reason, and those who are currently busy talking/meeting/dating someone else, ten people a day is a very slow drudge through the vast world of single people online. So if quantity is more important to you than quality, Hinge may not be for you, but I have to give props to my friend for her recommendation, as at least Hinge has been successful in doing what it’s designed to do.

Hily - This is absolutely not worth your time. Never create an app. I did after receiving an email/ad for a free trial and had heard several ads for it on Pandora as well I would say 95% of the profiles on here are fake/bot accounts and the only two I’ve matched with are legitimately real people... who immediately tried to sell me a premium membership to their snapchat where they also offer services that I am fully convinced would be classified as prostitution in a state that does not allow it. 

To each their own, but I’m not the type to pay for my play, nor openly break the law and leave a paper trail of information of said crimes on the internet. I wish those “camgirls” the best though! hahahaha... ha *sigh* **SOB** Free trial of their premium services was not even over before I deleted this account entirely.

Tinder - Which brings us to lowest point of my dating career... Tinder. The site notorious for it’s shallowness and penchant for the “hookup” culture. I joined more out of curiosity than the desire to meet some stranger for the promise of a physical connection. I also justified it with having now already created 4 dating profiles, what was a 5th, right? I knew a fellow teacher who had found various degrees of ‘success’ through Tinder so I signed up and created yet another nearly identical account (Tinder doesn’t really ask you a bunch of stupid, surface-level questions to try and break the ice for the messages you wont receive). You can’t message with a like like you do on Hinge, but if you could, I think this would be the best dating app I’ve used to be honest. Messaging only occurs once you’ve matched. The free version blurs those who like you like bumble does, but Tinder tends to put them higher up in your the “swipe pile” of profiles if they’ve liked you from what I can tell. This makes it much easier and quicker to “match” with someone. Here lies the rub, though. once you’re matched, I’m not confident their messaging portion of the app works properly, because like half the people who have matched with me never send/reply to anything. 

Tinder is addictive and I refuse to lie to you, my half a dozen readers. It is purely designed to keep you swiping. I am not sure there is a limit placed on how many right swipes you can make, because I am likely more selective than the usual male Tinder user and haven’t reached a “you’ve swiped enough for today message.” It’s actually kind of fun to swipe over and over and over again and the interface for the user is smooth and efficient. You get cool fireworks style notifications when someone likes you and top picks are placed on their own separate page in the app which I have found to give better and better potential candidates with each new day. So I paid for the Tinder upgrade to reveal the 97 people who had liked me and found about 5 that I was interested in matching with, one of which added me on EVERY Social media account I have over a week ago, including snapchat, has liked photos and posts I’ve made on multiple accounts, but who has YET to respond to a DM, snap, tinder message, facebook message or comment I’ve made on any of her posts in return. I’d put her on blast on here, but she honestly seems like someone I could be extremely serious about if she ever communicates back to me, so I’ll hold out hope that she’s just living her best life this summer and will get back to me when she’s ready. Paying for tinder gives you unlimited swipes and messaging abilities, but again, I never reached the limit on the free account so buyer beware. 

In summary, I recommend Hinge and Tinder. But I will say the one I’m still in contact with currently and have been for the longest is also equally amazing as Ms. Ghost of Tinder’s Present, and I “matched” with her on Match before I paid for it. So if you’re considering online dating, I recommend free Hinge, free Tinder, free match, in that order. All of.them have drawbacks, all of them offer people looking for a wide range of things. Again, anything from “pay me for access to my premium snap account” to “pay me to meet up/looking for a sugar daddy”, to “let me practice my massage skills on you” to “I don’t want it if it ain’t a marriage in 3 months” and everything in between. I will say for Tinder specifically, I see way more “I’m not here for hookups” than I have seen camgirls, so maybe its reputation is a little unfair now? I don’t know. 

2020 is the year that should not have happened. The worst possible combination of so many awful things coalescing to form the. worst. year. ever. period.  Coronavirus. Lockdown. Political divisions running rampant. Murder hornets. Neverending news cycles of hate, tragedy, loss, and derision. A spray-tanned, hairpiece wearing rear-end of a jackass is president, twiddling his thumbs spouting lunacy and idiocy through a twitter account I hope to never see again come November 4th, “leads” our nation into mediocrity with every stupid word he conjures to form incoherent thoughts. Racial equality and social justice are still sadly things our nation can’t embrace for the amazing things that they are, soooo many years after they should have been common practices. Anywho, 2020 sucks. And it’s not even July yet.

I think a lot about what I want to be doing in the future, everyday. I think of the world I want to provide for my son, everyday. I think of how quickly I’ll retire. How soon I’ll be happy with someone new. How important spending time with my son will continue to be. I think of all these things, yet somehow rarely think of you, or rather, me. So I am writing this to hopefully one day be able to look back and tell you, again me, I told you so! Because we both know I enjoy being the smartest guy in any room I enter. 

So let’s start there. I hope you aren’t ever as egomaniacal as I have been so far in my life. I push people away so easily when I lose myself in the pursuit of winning an argument, and you better not need the validation of others by the time I’m you. Grow up, and admit when you’re wrong. The world will keep spinning and you’ll still be a total badass. A Troubular Gentleman can be wrong and still be a successful member of a global society.

I hope you make the time for finding things that scare you. Like exercise and healthy foods and new hobbies.Never grow stagnant in the mundanity of your day-to-day. Make plans for vacations and take trips that you haven’t planned out. Life is far too short and precious to waste with indecisiveness and inaction. Work will always be there, your health and your family may not. Take advantage and stop only taking up space. Engage with the world in ways I don’t currently see as feasible or possible. Donate your passion to a cause worthy of your energy and compassion. 

Solve a problem every day of your life. No matter how small. You were blessed with a brain that far surpasses the abilities you give yourself credit for and you are far more capable than your past failures would have you believe. Stretch towards a handhold you don’t think you can reach. Dive for it if you have to, knowing your friends and your family are the only tether to this world you’ll ever truly need. Your child is watching every move you make and we can’t afford to have him grow up to be only as brave as I currently am. He needs to see the reward for taking risks or we will have robbed the world of his limitless potential. Never lose sight of who I want him to become.

And now we need to talk about my future spouse, because she’s going to be vital in helping you be the man I am meant to become. Find the one who challenges your perspective, your comfort zone, and your self-image. She’s bound to be outwardly beautiful, I’m not worried about that. But you have to make sure you fall for her spirit in the deepest corners and darkest places of her soul, not just her smile or the way she fits in your arms. I spent most of my young life chasing the aesthetics and failed to focus on the foundations of my future, and for that, I apologize to you for stealing time with the one you’ll eventually find. We know I made some missteps along the way, so let’s not rehash them. But she has to love my son like my son loves me right now, and you have to work to make sure we love her like we love my son right now. You don’t get to take a single day off. Tell her she’s pretty, make her feel loved, and fall for who she becomes in each new stage of life with you or she’ll definitely grow tired of a life with me, and not you. My son is counting on watching how you show kindness, patience, support, love, admiration, service, respect and loyalty to her. He will love his future spouse the way you love mine, so make sure you’re ready for all that when you commit to someone new.

I hope you never stop writing., even if no one reads my words. My world is hurting for self-expression and the freedom with which to express. Your ego is not, nor has it ever been, hurting for acceptance of others, so never write for that empty purpose. Speak your mind in outlets that allow you to let go of the feelings and stressors you do so well at pretending aren’t there in front of others. You’re not an artsy person, but you do have a voice that is wasted when it is silent. Speak up for those who can’t speak for themselves. Advocate for a future my son can be fully safe and supported in. He deserves our best efforts at every moment of every single day for the rest of our lives and you don’t have the luxury of resting until you are confident his generation is left a better world than the one we’ve grown up in. 

If you’re reading this, I hope it is only to remind you of who the fuck you are and why you have done what you are doing for so long. I hope you this finds you in a place where you’re as successful as you are non-complacent with that success you have always enjoyed at most anything you put your heart into. Finally, I hope you fight for what you believe in, and I hope you lose some of the weight I put on for us, because I hope you have a smaller belt size than I do today. I deserve abs again, and so will you.

Sincerely, 

This is from a facebook challenge in December of 2010 that I found and thought it might be fun to re-evaluate who I was and who I am now. I will place any changes/updates to this in (”.          “) After reading my reflections and seeing how far I’ve come, let me know how you see yourself as having changed in the last ten years in the comments.

I'm awesome. Some people call it egotism, conceitedness, overcompensation, bragging or even just plain ridiculous, but I call it a healthy amount of self-respect and self-esteem. It's not a front, it's just how I go about everything I do. (”Still as accurate as ever”)

I am a hopeless romantic, with notions of love at first sight and love that lasts forever, even after death.(”Still as accurate as ever”)

I'm Catholic and couldn't be more proud to claim it as my faith. (”Stopped being a practicing Catholic when I got married and to date have not put forth the effort to return to good standing with the church, but still credit my faith for much of who I am today”)

My goal in life has always been to make someone laugh or smile everyday, because I'm not known for smiling, so I have to make up for my lack of visible happiness in order to keep the world in balance. (”Still as accurate as ever”)

I've never smoked ANYTHING. And never will. I lost my beloved Grandma Leatha to lung cancer, which she got like thirty five years after quitting. I will never increase my chances of dying due to such an incomprehensible fad of pop culture. (”I smoked a few times since 2010, but nothing in probably three years. It was college, I was bound to experiment, right?”)

I wear striped polos almost as often as I wear underwear. (”I have since renounced ownership of any striped polos, largely due to coming to this recognition. But wear a solid colored polo to work almost every day.”)

I hate nearly every fruit/vegetable, so you might as well just assume I won't it. (”Still as accurate as ever”)

If there was a country made completely out of rice, hamburgers, chicken strips, potatoes and breakfast burritos, I would gladly be its ruler. (”Still as accurate as ever”)

I'm a flirt, not a man-whore. Don't get it twisted. (”I definitely crossed this line into being promiscuous more than I am proud to admit, but I am confident I was never a cheater, and I apologize to anyone whose heart I ever broke. You deserved better than me, and I know many of you have found/married much better than me.”)

I HATE all farm animals. They're not cute, they're stupid, and only good for food products like milk, cheese, and meat. (”I would not say I hate farm animals anymore, but they are indeed mostly good for those products we raise them for.”)

I will marry Taylor Swift, and we would die together like the old people from "The Notebook," which is the only movie to ever make me cry. (”Still as accurate as ever, and equally as unlikely as it was in 2010)

I quote random movies all day long, so you should start updating your library if you're gonna hang out with me, cuz otherwise I'm going to seem really awkward. (”Still as accurate as ever”)

I love competition! Any and all forms. Sports, school, eating, it really makes no difference, I'm going to win. (”Still as accurate as ever, though I am in far worse shape. But I will tear a ligament or blow out a knee before I lose to you”)

I HATE drama in a relationship!! Talk to me before flipping out over something you've heard about me, cuz 100% of the time it's started by a jealous and/or jaded person, and 99% of the time it isn't true. (”Still as accurate as ever, and still as elusive as ever, too apparently.”)

When I drive, don't touch my radio, my A/C, or adjust the vents, don't roll down my windows or tell me where I should turn, cuz I'm liable to punch you in the face. (”I swear teenage me was a lot less violent than he wrote.”)

It's also not a good idea to talk crap about me or my family, because I WILL end it, by any means necessary, minus  anything that would land me in jail, cuz I'm too pretty to be in prison. (”Still as accurate as ever. Got the receipts to prove it”)

I hope to be rich in the future, and give my family everything. I want my wife to be able to sit and relax at home all day, should she so choose, so I'm going to have a full-time maid/butler service, and my kids, should God bless me enough to have some, will ALWAYS have my full attention whenever they want it. (”Well I’m a divorced teacher now... But my son absolutely has my full attention at all times. Maid/butler service is probably not in the cards for me, but one day I will be happily remarried and hope to make my wife’s life meaningful and fulfilling and leisurely as much as possible. I just also expect the same effort in return in the future. If you’re interested, find me ;)”)

Family means everything to me. Without them I have nothing. So if you're going to hang out/date/marry me, know that they have to approve of you instantly. (”Still as accurate as ever”)

My goal is to be the BEST at whatever I do, as well as work to be the best person I can be. (”Still as accurate as ever, but I fall short of working towards this far too often.”)

I hope to work in television one day, or maybe even be a movie star, but at the same time, I want to remain true to who I am and where I come from at all times (”Definitely not in the cards for me anymore, given that I peaked in undergrad..”)

Michigan is my home state, and while their economy sucks right now, it is the greatest state in the whole entire union, and well worth the trip if you've never been. (”Texas is the greatest state in the union, but Michigan is definitely worthy of visiting and could really use the tourism to help them after taking so many L’s lately.”)

I am more in love with myself today than yesterday, and feel more and more proud of the man I'm becoming with each passing day. (”Still as accurate as ever”)

I will argue with anyone about anything merely for the sake of the thrill I get from the argument. Many times I will take a stance I don't actually believe in, as I'm actually a very agreeable person, I just tend to make people think otherwise. (”Still as accurate as ever”)

My best friends will tell you that I'm honest to a fault. My worst enemies will say I'm rude and heartless. In other words, I will always tell you the truth, whether it's what you want to hear or not. (”Still as accurate as ever”)

Trust is everything to me, so don't lose mine in you and you'll lead a happy life. (”Still as accurate as ever, but I mean this in the least threatening manner as possible.”)

I have an EXTREME distaste for cats. They are useless pets. If you want the experience of having a cat, buy cat food every week and throw it in the trash little by little. Poop in a playground's sandbox and scoop it out with a tiny plastic shovel, and stroke your carpet floors from time to time and BAM! You've got everything you get from having a cat. (”Still as accurate as ever. And I said what I said. Cats are trash.”)

If I were to rule the world, it'd be a Utopia. I swear! (”Still as accurate as ever, but after watching Trump get elected, proving the impossible to in fact be possible, please don’t ever allow me to rule the world.”)

Just because I don't use large words all the time doesn't mean I'm not intelligent, and just because I'm a genius doesn't mean I'm not a cool, sociable person. (”Still as accurate as ever, though big words are how I exude sex appeal now that I don’t have abs, so let that make your décolletage blush”)

I will talk you face off if you let me. I'm assertive and strong willed. (”Still as accurate as ever”)

I wrote this as a sophomore in college with no musical background, sense of rhythm or ability to sing, so let’s call it a poem instead, shall we?

Heart on Fire

Your love is like a fire, warmin up my soul,

Girl I swear your happiness is gonna be my main goal.

You’re the only thing that’s on my mind all day,

So let me take the time to say,

(Chorus) Your love is my fire,

Baby come on and burn up brighter,

Consume me with desire,

And set my heart on fire!

My days are so much better now that you’re here in my arms,

I never stood a chance against far too many of your charms.

Hey I love it when you smile, or give me that little grin,

Our love is not a game but girl I’m still playin to win.

Chorus

I swear it feels like heaven’s opened up for us,

Yeah baby every single time you ever start to blush.

I know it sounds a little cheesy, but girl I swear it’s true,

It feels just like I’m flying and it’s all because of you.

Your beautiful eyes can see right through me,

Oh you take my breath away; and you do it so easily.

You gave me true happiness; you’ve given me your love,

Yeah I thank God every day for sendin you down from above.

Chorus

Oh! Set my heart on fire!

Yeah set my heart on fire!

So it’s been months now since you told me you couldn’t do “this” anymore. Months of misery and longing and heartache and remembering every minute detail of everything I was ever blessed to learn about you, share with you, and support you through. We were far from written in the stars, but we were also the brightest light my life had ever experienced. 

Your eyes were oceans I never got tired of sailing and your long golden, wavy strands of hair were constant shed reminders of your incredibleness every time I pulled one off my shoulder or out of my towel in the morning. Your laugh was the soundtrack to a thousand unforgettable instances where I felt wholly myself. 

We had known each other for years as casual acquaintances from work, but you found me after my life’s greatest failure and helped remind me that I was something worthy of love and for that I will never forget you, or forgive you. For now that I am apparently not worthy of your love, and its unique ability to calm my restless and stressful mind, I fear I will never truly be happy again. I’ve explored the empty swiping of Tinder, the hollow requests for attention on Bumble, the serious and vulnerable and pleading messages of Match and even found several people to ghost me moments before meeting on Hinge, and yet not once have you not been the only person I wanted to see.

We still occasionally snapchat each other, and for each reply you send I find myself rekindling a flame I know I shouldn’t still tend to in my heart, but I shudder and shiver at the thought of losing the warmth your smile provides me in my soul. The touch of your palm against mine as we drove across the lone star state, finding adventure with every mile has left dents in the fabric of my very being that I am confident no one else will ever be able to iron smooth again, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In writing this, I know I’m not helping win you back, and I’m almost positive you’ll never read it, but maybe this way, in some small way, you and I can exist forever, as I’d always planned from that very first night when we first shared a blanket and our insecurities. You laid bare your frustrations at never being treated well and I shared with you all the baggage of my divorce and from that moment on I knew I had found someone worth risking everything for. And for you, I did. Truly and wholly I was yours and for over a year you were mine. I was never great at relating to your horse riding and your love for all things animal, and you struggled with accepting a future where you might be a step-parent. An objective view of our relationship would have told me from the beginning what I still can’t accept after its end. 

But to say it was anything but the best love I’ve ever had in my life would be a blatant lie. I hope anyone reading this feels the sparks that flew between us with anyone they ever fall for in the future, and I pray that you feel them everyday for the rest of your life because my heart will always belong solely in your care, whether you want it or not. In loving you I found someone I actually knew with certainty was better than me in every facet of life, and that was the only thing that helped make me want to become a better man. 

I ate foods I had never tried with you. I let you drive my truck, something I never let anyone do. I rode in yours frequently, making you the only non-family member who had ever driven me anywhere in my life more than once. Though you were younger than me, you taught me more than I would ever be able to teach you and I will forever be grateful for you being the one to take the time to break me down and build me back up repeatedly.

I know you’ll love again. And I am sure I will too. But if our paths ever cross again, I hope it leads me back to you, and you back to me. I need you in my life. In any capacity I’m blessed to have, for all of time. I need food to have taste again. I need words to have meaning again. I need days to actually pass again. I need sleep to be restful again. I need my heart to beat in sync with yours again. I should hate you for how you left things. I should resent you for the timing of it all. I have every right to curse your name and rue the day I promised you all of me in exchange for any of your time. I fell hard, fast, and completely, and I need to recover from finally finding the bottom to be a hard, abrupt end to what always felt like flying to me.

If you ever read this, I’m confident you’ll know it was you, and I hope you read this and remember why we were so happy for so long. I know it wasn’t always easy, but I know I fought for you harder than anyone has ever fought to be with anyone in the history of forever, and I hope in reading this you’ll realize, in spite of all my effort to refrain, I am still fighting for you to this very day. Give up any job to be yours. Give up any hobby or favorite TV show, to be yours.

I’d fight for you forever, against all things, for nothing but the promise of more time snuggled up with you and hearing about your day. For another moment of watching that awful, cheesy soap you loved so much. For another season of the bachelor and countless nights of rubbing your feet with the lotion I found that you claimed to like so much. You and I were never destined to be, and I think that has sunk in to my head, but what I refuse to admit is that you and I were not the best possible intertwining of hearts, bodies, minds and souls. 

Also, if you’re still reading this, I hope I loved you in the way you needed. I hope you left because your future and career made you, and not because I let you down. I hope you felt heard when you brought things to me. I was never as good of a listener as I have always been as a talker, but for you I tried my hardest to love you how you loved me. I hope you never settle for a guy with a 4x4 and a knack for hunting, because you have those yourself and can definitely outshoot and outsmart him anyways. I hope you find someone that makes you see them the way I saw you. My image of you may not always be accurate, but it is always with the best possible lighting, angle, and setting, I assure you. 

Finally, I still love you, if this isn’t clear by now. I hate myself for it, but it’s true. I love who I am when I am in love with you. With you in my heart, I am more calm, more compromising, more peaceful, more compassionate, more open, more brave, more terrified, more excited, more driven, more passionate, more alive. I am happy that I will always have you so fondly and solidly in my heart because all of these things will help make me a better partner for whoever I am destined to end up with, and they deserve the me that you helped me become. 

It is my deepest desire, apart from gaining my heart back from you, that I helped love you in a way that helped you become who you were meant to be, too. They say people don’t really change, but I know in my core that you have indeed changed me for the better, and I hate that I never took the time to say this and make you believe it while we were together because you were without a doubt the most deserving person of praise and gratitude I have yet to know. Whoever you love next, sure as shit better never let you down. I will always regret losing you. But I hope I lost you to a brighter future, filled with the freedom and fullness you always selflessly and effortlessly gave to me. May your dreams become your reality as quickly as possible. In knowing you’re happier without me, I hope I will one day move on in time to find someone new. But if you’re reading this, I hope you change your mind before someone changes mine about you.

Sincerely,