t i c k i n g ;

After being home  for a month, honestly I’m feeling a bit out of place. I forgot how chaotic this city can be. Also my social media is blowing up and I’m not quite sure how to handle it. I’ve just been avoiding the world via hiding in coffee shops and drowning in mochas.

Where is home for you? I’m an expert at shoving everything aside and letting it build up until you live inside a shadow, I wouldn’t mind helping out if you could use a happy helper. 

I saw a white girl with dreads walking down the street today.

Do kids not find that rad these days? 

“I didn’t know it was possible for a dog to eat so fucking much. It’s seven pounds, how does it go through so much fucking food,” Allegra mumbled angrily to herself as she stood against the wall of one of downtown LA’s many buildings. She was bent over a large dog food bag that she had picked up for her new puppy, trying to figure out how she was going to carry it 4 more blocks to her building, “Dang.” She sighed under her breath, looking up to see a person walking by her, “Do you have muscles?” She called out to the random passer-byer.

“Depends why you’re asking.” Blake replied without thinking, before looking up at the girl. “Hey, how are you?” He added in a warm tone, as he comprehended the familiar face. He had just wrapped up a meeting with his editor that went better than he had expected, considering the fact that he had virtually nothing to show her. In a good mood, Blake raised his eyes with amusement as he noticed the bag of dog food, which seemed even bigger than the girl attempting, and failing, to carry it. “Damn, that’s more than I eat in a month.” The boy laughed, as an image of his indubitably barren fridge flashed in his mind. “Need help with that?”

“I’ve gotten coffee spilled on me at least three times today. I realize it’s a big city and all, but you’d think that’d teach people to watch where they’re going more.”

“If I was an ass, I’d deem this the perfect opportunity to ask you if you need help removing your clothes, seeing how they’ve been soiled by coffee stains. Seeing how I’m not an ass though, I shall be asking you if you need assistance undressing. If that’s not classy, what is?”

“I just finished a meeting where this couple wanted me to plan them a minion themed wedding. Minions, like a whole wedding centered around.. minions. I have honestly lost the will to live- this is beyond ridiculous. Why do some people hate themselves so much?”

What’s wrong with minions? I wouldn’t include them in my wedding ceremony, but I think they’re kind of cute. 

I mean…. you really have a way of looking at things in such a depressing way, don’t you? I’ve never approached it like that but you’ve really opened my eyes up to it. I sit in bed, update my online blog, watch netflix and pretend I have a nice adult life and that I’m going to be really successful. I mean, you don’t seem fine. Physically, yes, but… I don’t know, still worried here. Blame it on the food and Netflix all you want, people still play a part in it too. We could do something other than that yet we still choose to sit and eat at the end of the day.

Well, that’s an opinion both you and The New York Times share, but personally I think I’m a realist. Dare I say, even a romantic? Sure, our existence isn’t as perfect as it could be, but I believe that a “perfect society” is achievable. Every decision, every mistake, happens for a reason, and if anything fundamental in our existence was different, who knows what sort of disastrous life we’d be living? What may seem like a small alteration can affect humanity’s entire history. You have a blog, huh? What do you write about? Well you don’t really know me, how would you know if you have a genuine reason to be worried or if I’m simply always like this? Sitting and eating has become an inseparable element of being a social being, so unless all your friends are health freaks it’s difficult to avoid the trash that’s being passed on as food these days, even if you don’t let it pass the door to your home.

You’re so sweet. You’re not so bad yourself.  And honestly, I’m not smart. Just deeply involved in the science community, I swear. No reason to be intimidated. I’m a regular person, just like you. If I were a genius, it was definitely due to nurture. I had to work really hard to get where I am mentally. I wish I was one of those science prodigies where I see numbers in my sleep or something. That would have been so much easier than the route I took.

I know. Oh no, not smart at all. If you’re not smart then I am criminally stupid, which I really, really hope I’m not. Well who said being regular is a good thing? It’s even more insulting than being called stupid! I think you’re digging yourself a hole here. Well havethat’s incredible! That makes me respect you very much. So many people here have earned everything they have to their name the day they were born. Hell, I didn’t even go to college because I couldn’t afford it on my own, and my dad refused to pay for it. I'd like to believe I turned out alright. It would have been easier, but the sense of gratification you’d feel when you made a huge break-through when be much less satisfying. You have to start from the bottom to truly appreciate the high, you know? 

Amelia wants to shoot, badly. Amelia wants to tell him to go away but even then she’d feel bad and she would have no right to feel bad, after all it’s what she needs but yet she finds herself just shrugging at his words. “You can stay.” She mutters, even though she doesn’t really agree with the words coming out of her mouth. “Pancakes can be eaten at any time of the day.” Amelia replies bluntly, it’s so painfully obvious how shitty she feels, her tone is flat and her eyes look dead. She wants to run and hide, but she can’t. “I’d rather eat pancakes and not talk.” Amelia replies honestly before pushing herself away from the wall.

“Pancakes and not eating it is, then. Do you want to go to my place? I swear this isn’t me coming on to you, it just doesn’t seem like moping in public will do much to lift your spirits. Hey, I’ll even let you use the blanket, which is a huge honor.” Blake shrugged, his lips pulled into a tight smile. Lately he’d been feeling far from stellar himself, and when the opportunity to comfort someone else appeared before him, he couldn’t help but take it. It was the least he could do, really.

People who are vegan? It’s not like anyone is forcing you to go have one. I’ve been a vegan for a couple years now. I think it will be five years in September.

Five years? How can anyone go without eating a hamburger for that long? I don’t know if I should respect or pity you.

Hm … maybe I think I just might. Damn. Oh god, you did not. Please tell me you did not. I’ve never done anything to you to deserve such heartless treatment from you. You’re so lazy … is the reason you hook-up so much just because you’d starve otherwise? That’s a bit sad, B, I’m sad to say. Buy the blueberries and I’ll make the food. Aw, so what you’re saying is I’m special? You’re such a mush, I swear. All right, I’ll meet you in a bit.

Watch it missy, I learned karate for like 3 months when I was nine. I wouldn’t mess with me if I were you. You just threatened to punch me! I think that warrants merciless recordings of certain specials. Well, it’s not just because of that! The heater at my place keeps breaking down and I get cold alone in bed. My editor would kill me if I died in my sleep due to my body temperature. But yeah, I guess I am a bit sad. Does that still surprise anyone? But, uh, if I had a say in it I might maybe not really want to keep living this way anymore.. But you didn’t hear it from me. Food! Hooray! Of course you’re special, weirdo. What the hell is a mush? 

Whilst I’m aware it’s not the done thing to complain all the time, I don’t care. I’m sick of journalists asking me who I’m wearing or if I’m dating anyone. Why can’t you ask me what charities I’m supporting, or what the charities do and why I’m supporting them? God.

If most people cared about that sort of thing, most of your friends would be broke. Society’s priorities are saddening, but they also keep us fed. Which charities do you support, though?

Xavier chuckled, not the least bit surprised by Blake’s response. As Blake once said himself, everything about Xavier had to be one big mystery, and his choice of friends wasn’t much different. “Glad to know,” he responded, pouring himself another shot. “I wouldn’t recommend it, Brandon’s not gay and he’d probably chop off any male’s dick who got in a hundred mile radius of the Hudson sisters.” He brought the shot to his lips, the cool liquid burning on the way down. It wasn’t like him to use chasers, something the mild stinging in his throat caused him pleasure. As the other male began to speak he poured himself yet another shot, feeling as if he was much too sober for the conversation at hand. He downed the second shot as he listened the words flowing from Blake’s mouth. The was some sting to the words, but his exterior remained calm and collected. It wasn’t like he intended for his sex life to be topic of the internet, in fact he typically preferred to keep that private. However, as of late his feelings have become a topic seeming harder and harder to avoid, costing Xavier hundred of dollars in liquor. “Does everything have to be about you?” He retorted, blowing his cool exterior. Xavier wasn’t typically one to lose his chill; however, the words seemed to hit him in a place he wasn’t aware existed. “Why would you simply assume my behavior has anything to do with you? There’s millions of other issues in this world, ones greater than you finding the one. Okay? There’s wars being fought, families starving, and people dying. I’m sorry Blake Hampton’s love life is a mess for two seconds because he finally found someone who leaves before he does.” Xavier didn’t mean the words coming out of his mouth, however he couldn’t seem to stop them. A nerve had snapped, causing him to break. “If you must know about my days they’ve been good. I caught a fish with Aiden, got some candy from Brandon, and as you read online I’ve been having great sex. I’d say  I’ve had a pretty great two weeks with my buddy Morgan here,” he said hugging the bottle close him. It took him a moment to gain composure after his momentary relapse. He let out a deep sigh as he looked down at the ground. “Listen, I’m sorry about that,” his words were more gentle as he spoke. “I just, like I said I’m in no place for a relationship right now, and the way you confronted it made me feel as if I was in one. I’m not ready to commit the way you want me to, and if anything these past few weeks have showed it. You’re a great guy Blake, and there’s someone great out there for you, but right now that’s not me. You’re over here ready to fall in love in this moment, I’m not. I don’t want to hold you back from something you truly want.”  He spoke apologetically, ashamed for the harsh words that slipped his lips just moments before. He poured the requested shot for Blake, setting the bottle on the counter behind him. “Drink up, you could use it.”

“What?” Blake spat, Xavier’s response far from what he was expecting. “I, no, of course not!” The boy stammered, finding himself angry at Xavier for the first time. Even when he had left, Blake's emotional pallet wasn’t red, but blue, with sorrow and pain and longing. “I didn’t assume that, I actually said that I don’t know what’s causing your recent behavior, asshole. And for your information, I don’t up and leave. I just don’t stick around when I can tell the relationship is doomed, which usually happens sooner rather than later. I, in opposed to you, am not a coward.” The boy sneered, disgust dripping from his words. Xavier’s words stung as they landed on his ears, the truth within them causing Blake to feel nauseous. Blake was aware of how desperate he seemed for love and acceptance, how pathetic he appeared in the eyes of those who knew him well enough. He simply never expected Xavier, the face which those thoughts revolved around, to use the side of himself Blake revealed to him as a weapon. Xavier was supposed to make him feel accepted, not ashamed. Blake’s eyes narrowed at the mention of the bottle of alcohol nestled between Xavier’s hands, the amount of shots Xavier had drowned since Blake entered the apartment alone already causing the boy to worry. What had Xavier been up to since they exasperated? Was he okay? Genuine worry began to plague Blake’s heart, but he knew voicing his concerns now would only worsen their current situation. 

“I’m a “great guy”? Are you serious?” Blake asked ludicrously, his lips frozen in an expression of disgust. “If you’re going to turn me down, at least do so with some respect. I’m not just one of your sexual conquests, I deserve I more than this.. Look, Xavier, with all due respect you have no idea what I truly want. Yes, I want to find the one, but what if that’s you? I know that’s a lot for me to say, maybe too much, and that it’ll probably scare you even farther away from me. But you can’t deny that this is something, something worth fighting for. I’ve waited too long for this, for you, to just accept being sent away.” Blake’s voice grew softer, as his eyes grew misty, their fight taking a turn for the personal. He simply refused to accept that this was it, that everything he had gone through for Xavier was meaningless. “You know, despite the fact that the last time I felt like I was home was years and years ago, I still remember what it feels like. It’s what it feels like when I’m with you, or at least when I used to be with you. I just can’t give that up. I can’t give you up, no matter how much I’d like to, and you have no idea just how badly I’d like to. You said so yourself, I’m not imagining this. I just can’t be.” The boy stated plainly, shaking his head more to himself than to Xavier. With a quick gesture, the shot was at Blake’s lips, only heightening his frustration.