The Quiet Scares me cuz it Screams the truth

… No more Destin.

It’s been a while since I’ve had the feelies for someone. His name is Destin and I met him off of Hinge. He’s in the army and is currently deployed in Germany. We’ve been “talking” for almost 2 months. It’s very sporadic since it’s super strict. We facetimed once. It was super quick. He said he just wanted to lay eyes on me. I’m glad I won’t be able to see him to July. It gives us time to get to…

I cared. I showed up. I gave you honesty, vulnerability, and the chance to meet me halfway. And you gave me silence. Maybe that’s all you were capable of — and I’m no longer making excuses for that. I’m done holding space in my heart for someone who couldn’t even hold a conversation. I see now that I was holding onto hope, not reality. And honestly? That tiny thread I was gripping onto? It was…

I sent Al a message on facebook. I hope you’ve been well. I know this is random and out of the blue. Especially since we haven’t had a real conversation in about a year. I have a favor to ask of you. Things were left (sort of) open ended and I always had a glimmer of hope maybe something could happen between us. Here it is a year later and we’ve both gone on with our lives… & still I had a…

I think about Al less and less. Every time I find myself missing him I think about all the times he never asked me on a date. I think about all the times he communicated with me (Which was a rare occurrence). I think about how he never put in any effort to make me feel wanted. I was in love with his potential. It’s coming up on a year since I broke things off with him. I’m a better woman for it…

It’s time for me to be over this nigga already. Tomorrow is his birthday and I will not let the simp in me win. I will not tell him Happy Birthday. Every time I feel like I want to hit him up I think about that Tiktok video. Every time you think about hitting him up imagine every time he sees it’s you he says : Aw damn not this bitch again” Does it every time.

I sent Al a message on Facebook. Hey! I know it’s been a minute since we’ve talked. I just wanted to let you know I’ve seen all your accomplishments and I’m happy for you. Forever rooting for you! I hope you’ve been well Thank you Lol. I knew it would go like that. If he comes back with intention great and if he doesn’t that’s ok. I’m ok. It’s time for me to fall in love with me anyways.

At this point I’m a glutton for punishment. I deactivated my Facebook so I wouldn’t go on Al’s page all the time. I unfollowed him but it wasn’t enough. The smart thing to do would’ve been to delete him as a friend and for some reason I can’t do it. I’m going no contact. He hasn’t messaged me first since September of last year. He’s clearly moved on so why can’t I. I still have hope and at this…

My dad’s birthday was Saturday so my emotions have been all over the place. The small feelings I had for Darrius are dwindling and that’s probably a good thing. I haven’t had sex in a while and I’m starting to think it’s for the better. Today was a a weird one. I’m missing Al HARD. I just want him to say he’s sorry and put in some effort you know. Give me what I deserve. I know that’s asking for…

So Al decided to post on Facebook. He’s in ju jitsu and finished an IT class. I’m glad he’s doing well but it just made me sad that i can’t share those things with him. He kind of hurt to see he’s moving on in life without me. WHY DO I EVEN FUCKING CARE?! Like an idiot I loved his post but i went and unliked it and I’m staying away from Facebook until I post about Valentine’s Day. I didn’t…

Raise your hand if you’re shocked I hit Al up at least 3 more times since that last post lmaoooo. he responded once when I texted him Merry Christmas. I’ve let it go. i still miss him (More so what could’ve been) && that’s that. He is a chapter in my past. In a not so much change events I hung out with Darrius yesterday and the butterflies are back. I’m admitting it. I have feelings for Darrius.…

Sooooo I don’t really want dealings with Al or Darrius. The dumbass part of me hit up Al to “check up on him” I told him I got a new car. When I hit him up when I was in New Orleans for class he never wrote me back. I texted him I miss him a few weeks ago and again a few days ago to “check up on him” and got no response which is a response. That just let me know I need to heal and work on me a…

LMFAO welp. So Darrius may not be the wave I thought it would be. I got into a wreck a few days ago and instead of asking if I was okay like a normal person he just asked what happened. This is the second time he’s been insensitive. He also made a public comment about trans and I can’t raise a family with someone who doesn’t respect trans people and their rights. What if we had a child that was…

Soooo a few days after I felt like he was being distant we had a conversation I got in my feels about him calling me a “friend” even tho that’s all we are right now smh. I eventually came back up from jumping to conclusions and realized we were good and I just like him a little more than I thought. Sunday I woke up to a nice spicy video from him so I sent him one in return. I had a feeling he…

Darrius has been a little distant. I could be just in my feelings but idk. We’ve never talked about the bad sex and he did say he had a good time. He’s never been one to shy about his feelings so may be I’m just over thinking it. It seems like we talked so much more the last time we hung out. My fav co worker died today and I thought he would be a little more supportive. Idk. It’s kind of sad and…

Darrius and I hung out the day before my birthday! That’s right I brought in my birthday with him. He looked so good. It just so happened that I got a retwist and he got a haircut on the same day. So we were cute or whatever. We drank, we smoked and played the board game. I made sure the girls were out to play and he noticed immediately. He figured hey it’s my birthday now is the perfect time to…

After I sent Al the voice notes things went right back to how they were. We never really finished talking about things. So I wrote him a message Al, After our talk I had more things I wanted to get off my chest but I never heard from you again. I expected to hear from you that night and of course I didn’t. I waited to see if we would continue our talk but you went right back into how things…