S A D G I R L

Man I love you. It was real and pure and beautiful. We were two completely different people who took each other into our hearts and opened up despite how scared we were. We were good. We were really good. And at times I felt bad for other couples because I knew they didn’t have a love as strong as ours. We were young. It was okay to serve tables and tend bars. Reality hasn’t hit us yet. The nights of getting drunk and making love were in full swing. I loved that people would think we were such a strange couple but understood it too. I loved everything about you. Your crooked teeth. Your strange voices and characters that you’d bring to life. Your breakfast in the morning. Your willingness to pay for everything. Your passion for music. Your love for your friends. Your love for your mother. Your hate for shoes. Your messy room. Your soft side. Your hair, no matter what stage it was in. Your understanding of me. Your love for my passions and dreams. Your warmth. Your ora you radiated everywhere you went.

You deserved better. And I thought I was good. I thought I was top notch-10/10-way to good for you- level. After the last guy, I chose to make sure I felt that way at all times. Give myself some credit. Build myself up after being beaten down. I was happy. And I was happy with you.

But happiness doesn’t always last. I had my insecurities. My fears. My trust issues. After almost a year I felt those same feelings creep back. I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough. I won’t ever be enough. Get out now before you’re the the one getting laughed at.

That ate at me. Got in my head. Made me think. This wasn’t real. This high has to end soon. No one is going to love you forever. No one, not even you, would want to be with me for the long run. That’s just how it goes. I told myself early on, don’t start something that can’t be finished. I knew it.

So little by little I was pulling myself away from you. Getting annoyed at your messy room. Telling you to wear shoes. Asking you why you keep changing your hair. Putting you in a position to get away from me too.

We were coming to an end. Our lives were veering away from each other. We both had so much more to live.

And one stupid drunk night I let the past, the pain, the end of us get to me. I let someone else in. I let someone else in to push you out of me. I know that’s why I did it. There was no connection that night. There was no passion. No future. I just needed something to rid you.

And it worked.

I’ll never forgive myself. I’ll live with that regret forever. I’ll wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and tell myself I did this to me. This sadness pouring out of me is my own fault. Its what I deserve.

Yeah I went back to some shit I probably shouldn’t have. Few pills leftover from the last bender. Few xacto blades from some project I was working on. It helps for the time being. Makes me feel like I’m getting what I deserved. To wake up in your hangover and blood really makes you feel like the piece of shit you really are.

And I’ll sit in that bloody hangover for a long time. I’ll cry and fall into my own perfectly sculpted depression. But you won’t. And If there is anything that will make me happy is knowing you won’t. You’re so loved. You have so many positive happy supportive spirits around you. You’ll make it through. You’re tough. And you have those people because of the person you are. I was never one of those people. I never was meant to be one of those people. I’m meant to ruin things and hate myself for it.

I never wanted to find love again after what I had been through. I never wanted to be vulnerable again. The pain was not worth it.

And I took a chance with you. And I put myself in this hole. I did this to me. And I’m sorry to try to bring you down and rot in here with me.

I’ll always love you. Your kind words and thoughts and your radiation of positive energy. You are a true super human. I’ll always look up to you and hope the best for you. I’m glad I got to taste a piece of your beautiful life. And I hope you never lose that.

You’re loved more than you know. You’re admired more than you’ll know. You’re a beautiful human inside and out.

Thank you for everything.