i’ll never be a model

my ex was so controlling. i do not know who i am. and i don’t know how to find who i am. i don’t know who she is. 4 months later and i still find myself afraid to wear certain clothes out in public, or even around my house, because he wouldn’t like them. i am afraid to listen to music because he told me my music taste was bad. i am afraid to eat certain foods. i am afraid to do things out of fear that he wouldn’t like it. and i don’t know how to stop.

i just feel like no one will put effort into a relationship with me again. my ex stopped putting effort in about a year into our relationship after he became friends with another girl. now he hangs out with her 24/7. i feel so heartbroken. he picked her over me after denying he felt anything for her and loved me. he said he’d always take care of me. he lied and i am so scared i’ll never have a good relationship. he used to be so so kind but i don’t trust that actions like that are genuine anymore. he used to tie my shoes and bring me a coffee every morning and always asked before touching me. i want that in my next relationship but i don’t know how to tell if it’s genuine or a manipulation tactic. i changed so much for my ex because i wanted him to keep loving me like that and i’m so scared i’ll do it again. i just want genuine love.

sorry guys i’m back. i got broken up with and forgot how to live.