welcome to gay hell

the elf I just hooked up with, taking the lavender and honeysuckle lollipop from their mouth: An infinite scroll... most elfmaidens learn to enchant a scroll to never end before they're a mere 300 years old. It saves on paper.

me: oh see that's just writing, with social media it's really bad, it just leads to people doomscrolling all day

the elf I just hooked up with, spluttering and panicked: The Doomscroll! Be silent human, thou shoulds't not speak the name of that fell parchment

Human 1: (points at animal) What’s that?

Human 2: Cow.

Human 1: (points at bug) What’s that?

Human 2: … little cow.

Human 1: But it’s so much smaller. Who would have use for such a small cow?

“You are beautiful when you do beautiful things.”

“The present tense of regret is indecision.”

“We understand so much, but the sky behind those lights– mostly void, partially stars– that sky reminds us we don’t understand even more.”

“Be proud of your place in the Cosmos. It is small and yet it is.”

“Believe in yourself. You are an ancient, absent god, discussed only rarely by literary scholars. So if you don’t believe, no one will.”

“Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you.”

“Whisper a dangerous secret to someone you care about. Now they have the power to destroy you, but they won’t. That’s what love is.”

“Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not. We never are. But that’s not the right question. The question is are we living a life that is worth the harm?”

“When we talk about teenagers, we adults often talk with an air of scorn, of expectation for disappointment. And this can make people who are presently teenagers feel very defensive. But what everyone should understand is that none of us are talking to the teenagers that exist now, but talking back to the teenager we ourselves once were – all stupid mistakes and lack of fear, and bodies that hadn’t yet begun to slump into a lasting nothing. Any teenager who exists now is incidental to the potent mix of nostalgia and shame with which we speak to our younger selves.”

“We are not history yet. We are happening now. How miraculous is that?”

“Wednesday has been cancelled due to a scheduling error.”

“We have nothing to fear except ourselves. We are unholy, awful people.”

“A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A basilisk.”

“There’s nothing under your bed. There’s nothing in your closet. Nothing waits in every darkness. Nothing is the most terrifying thing of all.”

“The night sky is ten miles wide, eight miles deep, and floats three miles up. Its favourite food is grape jelly. It wants to be a drummer.”

“Look to the sky. You will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about.”

“Ignorance might not actually be bliss, but it is certainly less work.”

“And now, a special report. Crocodiles: Can they eat your children? *YES.*”

“Lie down and look up at the ceiling and breathe with those curiously fragile lungs of yours and remind yourself: Don’t worry. Don’t worry. All is as it was meant to be. It was meant to be lonely and terrifying and unfair and fleeting. Don’t worry.”

“As long as I’m reminding myself things, I’m a good person, worthy of love – both from myself and others.”

“Guns don’t kill people! It’s impossible to be killed by a gun. We are all invincible to bullets and it’s a miracle!”

“Everything is exciting! Particularly existence. Existence is the most thrilling fact of all.”

“There is a monster under your bed. A monster at your window. A monster any place you imagine one. You project your monsters on the world.”

“You miss 100% of the bank robberies you don’t commit.”

“I like my coffee like I like my nights. Dark, endless, and impossible to sleep through. ”

“A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep. Welcome to Night Vale.”

“And now, the weather.”

I discovered this podcast at the beginning of high school, and let me tell you, it rewired my synapses.

Not only was it my first experience with positive LGBT representation, it was the show I clung to when everything else went to shit. Whatever was going on in my life, I knew I had this show in my corner, making me laugh, making me cry, making me feel okay about my place in the universe.

“You're an actor now, what were you 20 years ago?”

“Younger, captain. Much younger.”