Misanthrope

I started notice that I wake up happier and happier lately. This year, has been the happiest I have ever been despite having a month long depression - mainly because I lost my job and was unemployed for two months and I have no means of going out and my meds ran out - still, I am happiest than I have ever been. And I realized why.

A friend of mine earlier this year joked that I was no longer in the map. I was known and I was known for a myriad of reasons. And for the most part it's because I was following a hedonic lifestyle. I lived for pleasure and to be seen that I was living for pleasure and having pleasure. Do not get me wrong, I loved performing and partying but it only gave me temporary pleasure, not fulfillment. I won't be a hypocrite, I liked the attention. I liked being seen. But my desire to be seen had become less and less.

I do not know why or how. I just suddenly woke up and realized I wanted it to stop. And I went back to my old nerdy ways. I liked being alone more. I liked being with just a few selected people more. I was not overstimulated. I was not pretending or masquerading a life of glitter. I was just, well, living.

So lately, I realized I wake every day with a smile on my face. Maybe the meds are working its charm. But also maybe because I just read books, play Pokemon, watch BL, be obsessed with Game of Thrones or Star Wars or South Park. I look forward every week on a new book to read, a new episode of Rick and Morty or House of the Dragon. I look forward to writing about OhmNanon. And maybe because I also started to write more and more again - and this time I am not writing for my art to be seen but rather I write for myself.

The United States already ruined Iraq and Syria. Now they’re helping Israel destroy Palestine and drop bombs on Iran. When the WW3 actually happens, the Global South will be the most affected.

Crazy how you wake up one day and now living in a dystopian world like the ones you read in books and see on film. Except this is real life. We cannot turn it off. We cannot change the channel. We cannot put down the book. It’s real. It’s happening.

So what the fuck are we supposed to do? It’s hard to fight Imperialism and start a revolution when the people affected will think of their empty stomachs first. How can you rally and organize the people when they are hungry? We vote? Elections are rigged. And those who win are complicit and upholds the status quo.

You got married. I did not. I am still swinging from guy to guy. My heart you once held got broken so many times by different guys you'd hate. My eyes that you once loved looking into, it cried so many tears that are not for you (but for guys who are worth less than you). My lips that you once kissed, they have touch the lips of countless guys I could not even say "I love you" to.

You are there, living and breathing. You are there, happy. And without me. I am here, looking back at the times we shared from when we were 17. I am here wishing we could go back if only I could pull back the hands of time. I am here, wallowing in depression... something you'd pull me out of. I know you would.

I am so happy for you. You get to live the life you have prayed for. I share no animosity towards you. But I do not wish you well. Because you already are.

You are one of my best memories and my many firsts. I will always remember you. But it's time for me to forget you.

Ever thine.

No longer mine.

Prologue

Storm came and rain came pouring down along with it. I danced under the rain. I was carefree. I was living in the moment. But like all storms that come and go, so did Storm. And like all storms, if you do not leave while the flood rises, you will drown. And if you did not drown, it will leave you devastated. I did not leave. He left. And I was left broken.

After my break up with Storm, I went on a four month bender. I partied hard. I got drunk. I had lots of sex and contracted STDs. Because I believe that sex is the best way to recover. I know no other ways to cope. All I know is how to self-destruct. Must be the Borderline Personality Disorder. 

On the outside I was living the moment. I was fucking game. But on the inside, I was a complete mess. I looked for Storm in every man I slept with and every man I dated. Self-destruction, my only way to live. And it did not help seeing Storm happy with JC, the guy he left me for. It felt unfair. Unfair that JC got the version of Storm that I have always wanted: the one who commits, the one who comes through, the one who loves. Storm got his happily ever after. Why not me? I hate depression.

Antidepressants should keep you “anti-depressed”. But it just made me feel nothing. I felt like nothing. My room was a mess. My mind was a mess. I was a mess. And no amount of boys, partying, meaningless sex, drugs, and alcohol made me feel anything. I have this void inside of me that cannot be filled. 

I wanted to feel something. Until one day, I did. And it all started with that one notification: “Jaedehn Leih replied to your story”

Untitled 2023

I was on a four month bender. I was not looking for anything serious. I was afraid. I was afraid of getting hurt again after getting attached. But deep down, I am manifesting true love. I am craving for true love. I want unconditional love. Real love. Cannot-live-without each other type of love.

Everyone I met bored me. Everyone I met was a quick-fix. Everyone I met was just a projection of me chasing after something that could make me feel something. But alas, no one came close. No one was consistent enough. I was just like what I was projecting onto them: a quick-fix for something. 

I post thirst-traps because what better way to get a quick fuck than to post one? My therapists would have scolded me if I was honest with them. But again, I always go back to my self-destructive behaviors. I wanted validation, even if I get sexualized in the process - which I still resent up to this day, but it’s a quick-fix. After? I feel nothing again. 

But one day, someone replied to one. Jaedehn Leih Navarro. They added me a few days back. I saw a lot of mutuals, and I don’t mind accepting friend requests. An opportunity to grow my circle and meet new people. 

A reply to my thirst traps is something I do entertain but I just brush off afterwards. Because it was a reply to a quick-fix. But this one kept the conversation going. The conversation was sexual, as predicted. So I considered them just one of those other boys: someone who wants to fuck. But I felt something. 

I felt something. And then I felt more. As the conversation progressed, I started to feel more. And when it stopped. I felt nothing. I did not expect another conversation. Until I got more messages from them.

After that reply, they continued to initiate conversations with me. Every story I make, they will react to it, reply to it… even the most mundane ones. They were consistent. I was aghast. I was taken aback. And what more, I was perplexed. But then again, I thought, “this person just wants me physically.”

I am used to it. Guys just want me physically. Physical attraction is the worst for me. Oh how I loathe it. I want someone who will like me for me. Not because I look good. Don’t call me beautiful. Call me artistic, talented, intelligent. It felt ingenuine. It felt conditional. So I was surprised with how they showed interest in my most mundane things.

“I have a mole in the middle of my chest. And the mole has a mole.” They kept talking to me. And I learned a couple of things about them. I learned they use they/them pronouns as they were nonbinary. They were 19. Young. Too young for me. But then again, I did not mind then because it was new and I started feeling again. They liked making playlists which I liked because I did the same. We listened to the same type of songs, which did not come as a shocker. I have a very diverse taste in music. But what shocked me was them liking Radiohead. 

They were 19. They were not born yet when Radiohead started. And most people like Coldplay more than Radiohead (I still strongly believe that Radiohead would have been as mainstream as Coldplay if the lead of Radiohead was as conventionally attractive as Coldplay’s - because that is what the real world is, physical attributes). And that’s what I liked about them. Because if they like Radiohead, they like substance. They see beyond the superficial.

Later on I learned that they did drag. I was just about to start my drag career then. I still remember the conversation vividly in my mind. We started talking about drag since I saw that we have a lot of mutual friends on Facebook who are drag artists themselves. They showed me their pictures of them in drag, and then it hit me. I saw them before. 

It was October of 2022. It was the monthly Drag Cartel competition at Nectar. I haven’t been in a long time but I went there to support a friend who I was crushing on. I made a promise to go support so I did. I initially wanted to go with Storm but he had other plans with other men. October was the beginning of the end of our relationship. 

So Drag Cartel. I was there. I saw everything. I met new people. But what I remembered was this cute drag artist who had their wig fall mid song. They still slayed though. The lip sync song was “I Put A Spell On You”. They were good. They were amazing. I could not keep my eyes off of them. But their music changed. And they were not able to proceed to the next round.

Later that night, I asked around who that queen was. “Starlett Hark”. I remembered the name because it reminded me of Scarlet Heart. 

“Are you Starlett Hark?” I asked. Because I saw the pictures I was reminded of the face. Then I proceeded to go to their profile. I started looking at pictures and everything. I really liked how they painted their face. And such a young age to be that good already. I was (and still is) a fan.

“How did you know?” they asked. And then they proceeded to tell me everything about their experiences in drag. How they started and where they were currently at. They told me about the queens they met and how their name came to be. I could listen to their stories all day. 

I told them about my interest in doing drag. So I told them I registered myself for the April competition. They were the first to tell me I got in. I remember the message “Baby! We got in!”. I thought it was cute. But I was afraid, because they were becoming attached. Then again, I cannot wait to see them. So I kept it cool. 

We continued talking almost every single day at this point. I told them about my plans for my look. I showed them the look I was working on. And then later that day, I made a story about me cutting my hair. They replied of course “you did not”. I showed them my haircut I gave myself. They told me they cut their hair too. There was one time they cut their hair and it started to look like a bowl. So cute. 

“I cannot wait to see you if I am being honest.” I told them. “You’ll see me in my party city wig.” I joked. It was fun. It was light. And I hate to admit it then but I was starting to like them. Maybe that was why I stopped talking to other guys. 

“Will you kiss me?” they asked.

“I will. And I will hug you too.”

And then they said “we’ll hug and kiss in our party city wigs.”

We have been talking consistently. Until there were days where we stopped. I did not think much of it. Because I expected it. And I can still go back to my roster. But then I saw why. They started posting melancholic posts. Posts I am familiar with. Of course I got worried. 

I messaged them. I told them they have me. I told them that they could rely on me. I told them that I may not show it, but I cared for them (I still do). What they said next shocked me. They told me “thank you so much. I love you.” 

Those three words. I was stunned. After a couple of heartbreaks, I learned not to say it. I learned not to express it. What's more was I cannot say it if I do not mean it. And I did not want to say it to them just for them to get their hopes up that I felt the same way only for me to not mean it. They did not deserve that.

I told them I appreciate what they said but I am unable to say it back. And I explained my reasons and they were okay with it. Since then we started talking frequently and consistently again. We sent each other updates. 

I told them about what I did that day. I sent them pictures of what I was eating. I told them about my closest friends, Lev, Andres, and Jester. 

Every weekend I always go out to meet my friends. It has become our thing. One night at Pop Up, I thought I saw them. Someone in a mullet. I immediately sent them a message asking if they were in the same place as I was. They said no. They were at some other place. I was disappointed when we were not in the same place. 

In the morning, I told my friend, Gelo (who also did drag), about them. It was the first time I told someone about them. I asked Gelo if he knew them. And I told Gelo about how I was starting to feel towards them. “Go for it, Gelo said.”

Later that day, when I got home, I messaged them. They told me that they and their friends had a gig near Cubao. A place where I was at in the morning. They told me how they were just hanging out in McDonald’s. I was disappointed again because I was nearby. We were in the same place at once at the same time again but did not know it yet. 

Days went by and we kept talking still. We talked about bleaching eyebrows and how they got in trouble at school for putting concealer on their brows. They then told me that we might not be able to see each other on the upcoming Drag Cartel. Of course, I was disappointed. But I brushed it off. 

They told me that they have a competition that day at another bar. I wished them well. And honestly I wanted them to win. They told me how disappointed they were that it was on the same day. They wanted to see me too. It was cute. They too were disappointed that we weren’t seeing each other still. They told me they will try so hard to convince the people at the bar to move the date. 

It was Cartel night. I put on the outfit I made. I layered my party city wig. I got angel wings because I wanted to look like a Victoria’s Secret Angel. I did not post anything yet. So when they messaged me, I smiled. They said, “Good luck my angel. I love you.”

After the competition, they messaged me. They told me about how beautiful I looked that night. They told me how they wished they could be there. They told me that they told their friends about me. Being an introvert, I did not mingle with their friends that night, only with my own. I spent that night with Gelo, Andres, and Lev, especially after I got sexually assaulted that night. I did not told them about the sexual assault.

I forgot about the assault because all I could think of was them. They told me how they won and sent me a picture with their crown. I was overjoyed. I was so proud of them. How I wish I could have been there for them. 

We continued flirting online, from private messages to comments on each other’s posts. It was fun. It was cute. I was happy. Jaedehn managed to eclipse the six-month relationship I had with Storm. I stopped thinking about Storm. 

We talked more and more. They told me about the movies they have seen during quarantine. They told me countless stories. I anticipate their messages every day now. They continued to send me updates of where they were going, what they were doing, and how they have been. I did the same. 

I joined the May Drag Cartel again. This time there was a parade. And in the parade, I imagined myself with an escort. I imagined Jaedehn as my escort. So I posted a story about looking for one, trying to bait them. They did. 

My sister loaned me a pink dress because I wanted to look like Rapunzel. I put flowers on my hair. And I printed pictures of me and Storm. I wanted to rip and tear pictures of us because it was symbolic. That everything was over and done with Storm. That this new era was all with Jaedehn. Unfortunately, they did not come that night. 

I met with their friends again that night. But instead of teasing me with Jaedehn, they teased me with Eliza. People really thought I was head over heels for Eliza. But I was not. I liked her. But like her, I was not looking for anything serious then. And Eliza was just there so I could get over Storm. Every time I thought of Storm, I messaged Eliza. The gifts I sent her, were the gifts I wanted to give to Storm if we were still together. But that’s over now. Jaedehn was here. And that’s all that matters. 

Jaedehn messaged me the day after. They told me everything their friends said. It was cute. “I wish I went”. They told me. I wish they went too. 

I was glad I tore up those pictures. The storm had passed and Jaedehn’s here now.

They sent me a message about their upcoming show. Of course I wanted to go. And I promised I would. I also made a similar promise to my other friend, Francis (Kerrie), that I will go see their show. But to be honest, and everyone knows this, I wanted to go to Jaedehn. 

I talked to the one producing the show to somehow let me in. I was told I could be a door-bitch and I will be coming with Kerrie. Immediately, I told them I will be coming to their show. We were both excited. 

Days at work felt long. But those notifications from them kept me going. I was looking forward to something again. No offense to my friends, as they were there for me during my lowest but they know I was not looking forward to anything. I was just on autopilot: drinking every weekend and working every weekday. But when I met Jaedehn, and got to know Jaedehn, I looked forward to something. From their random messages to seeing them, I was looking forward to every single one. 

Every moment with them, I cherished. Every moment, even if it was just a simple message helped get me up every single day. I started counting down to seeing them.

The day came. It was rainy. I remember it very well. I messaged them that I will be seeing them soon. They told me that the event could get canceled. I told them that even so, I was hell bent on seeing them still. We would go out on a date instead. We both agreed and they fell asleep.

Later that day, I got word that there could be a new venue and the show will push through. Since they fell asleep, they were panicking. I told them to keep it together. And that we will see each other. They started getting ready and so did I. I went to Kerrie’s and needless to say, we were late. 

On the show, I was with Kerrie the whole time. But she has to go inside and I have to wait outside. Being an introvert, I was just quiet outside. I looked like a bitch but really, I was anxious to be out. And then the show started. I was mesmerized by Jaedehn. Every move was on point. They were good. 

After their set, we got close to each other. We started talking. We took pictures. They were already out of drag. They were not wearing a top and it was cold out. So I gave them my coat to cover up. And then we hugged. Finally, we hugged.

“This hug has been long overdue” we both said

After the show, we remained talking. That first hug. I still feel it to this day. We then decided to go to Pop Up after. I will be meeting my friends there so it was all good. I was supposed to ride a car with them but my other friends pulled me over so we decided to just see each other again at Pop Up.

During the ride, all I could think of was “I will be with Jaedehn at Pop Up.” When I got there, I immediately messaged them where I was and that I would wait for them. I met with my friends. We had drinks. We talked. And then Jaedehn came.

They did not sit with me and my friends because they were there with their friends. But we went to each other anyway (their friend even told me that they said no to making out with anyone because I was there). We talked a lot when we got to be alone together. 

Later my friends and their friends asked what we were. We haven’t decided yet so we talked alone. I told them, “I am done with my hoe phase now that I met you.” They smiled and said the same. “I love you” and that was the first time I said it and I knew then that I meant it.

We went back to our friends. One of their friends, Kai, even said “I wish I will find love like that.” I remembered saying “I waited for Jaedehn my whole life. And the wait was worth it. I care for Jaedehn a lot and I don’t want anyone else.” Their friends insisted on us kissing. But I was adamant to do so. Because I want them to feel comfortable doing so.

“Do you want us to kiss?” they nodded so we hid under my coat and we kissed. Our first kiss. It was not how I imagined it would be, especially the place where it would be. But it was great. Their lips. My lips. Apocalypse. 

Morning came. We held hands going to McDonald’s. We sat next to each other. There were a lot of people there, their friends, my friends, but we were in our little world. They fed me. I fed them. We kissed. We cuddled. One of my friends, Lev, approached me and said “I love seeing you finally happy. You deserve this.”

Normally, I hate the commute home. But we got to the train together, still our hands glued to each other. When they got off, we were still talking on messenger. When I got home, we continued talking. It was a core memory for sure.

Those heartaches and break-ups finally meant something. It led me to the person whom I wanted to spend my life with. It led me to the person who made me want to live again. I waited for someone like Jaedehn my whole life.

After a couple of days of talking since the meeting, I asked if they wanted to see the Little Mermaid with me. They agreed. Then they said something that made things official. “My bf”.

“So I am your boyfriend now?” I asked. They replied with “yes”. Our first date would be as boyfriends.

Our first date. We met at the train station. They were wearing black. They looked so cute. Immediately we hugged and kissed. They told me that on the way, they tripped on the stairs, ripping their pants. I told them they can use my jacket to cover it up. Luckily, it was not seen. They insisted on carrying my bag for me. 

We went and bought tickets. Before the movie started, we strolled around the mall with our hands holding each other. “Euphemism!” they exclaimed gleefully while pointing at a slogan from across the distance. “Euphemism!” they repeated with a smile on their face. “Don’t you mean alliteration?” I said. And I swear I saw their face turn red and it was the cutest thing I have ever seen. I thought to myself as I held their hand “I am so in love with you and I do not want to lose you.”

They told me how they and their friends got lost at the last Leni Rally. They told me how they walked in drag in public. They told me about dressing up and preparing outside Nectar. They told me countless stories.

When it was time to see the movie, the theater was decorated heavily. It was like our love story, a real life fairytale. We got our freebies and went in. When the lights went dark and the movie started, we were both in awe. I kept glancing at them and could not help but smile. They sang along to the tunes in the movie. And we kept kissing in between. “You’re my princess.” I told them.

When the movie ended, we decided to go to the food court before heading out. We sat there in our own little world, talking about the Little Mermaid. We then decided to walk to the bus station. They told me about competing in last year's Cartel. They told me that they did half face paint. “The other face was full white face” they said. “And the other half was black face” I joked and we both laughed. 

On the bus ride, all the songs were romantic. And we talked about everything and anything. They whispered to my ear “I love you” and we kissed. We were all over each other. The songs played as if the Universe was confirming what we were feeling towards each other. 

When we met their friends, we ate. We fed each other. Talked. And I remember the introvert joke. Are homeless people introverted or extroverted? I had to meet up with another friend so we decided to see each other there.

It was so nice. So Nice, the song by Carly Rae Jepsen is the song that I dedicated to Jaedehn. When I met with my other friends, I told them all about Jaedehn, and how everything was just so nice. Jester agreed. And the funny thing that happened was, we were sitting at a table with an umbrella covering us. And the words written on the umbrella? It was “so nice”. 

That night I just waited for Jaedehn to show up. They came in the morning. My friends were seated on a table next to ours. And we were just hugging. We were in our own little world for lord knows how long when my friends decided to head to McDonald’s. 

We sat in the same place we were cuddling a few days back. We fed each other again. And then the music started playing. They whispered to me “the songs and the Universe, it’s about us again.” So we kissed. We hugged. Jaedehn’s hugs. Jaedehn’s warmth. It was so nice.

Since then, we started meeting frequently. On the most random of hours in a day, they would message me “psst. I love you.” And immediately my day was turned. Work was stressful but at least I have my boyfriend. “We are lesbian lovers” they said at one point. I forgot the context but the thought still makes me smile to this day. 

There was a time where I asked if they had eaten already. They said no. So I told them to buy McDonald’s and it’s on me. They asked me why I was doing that. I simply said “because I love you and I care for you, and that you’re my boyfriend.”

We were boyfriends so we told each other everything. And if there was anything I learned in the past relationships I have had is that when it comes to your relationship, others opinions and words do not matter. You and your boyfriend’s words matter. 

Every time we talked, I fell more and more. I always reminded everyone of how much I love my boyfriend. There was a time they told me that they were hurt when their family did not post pictures of them but did for others. Since then, I made sure to post their pictures when I get the chance and show the world how much I appreciated, admired, and adored them.

There was a time I shared a meme with them. It basically says “my boyfriend doing anything” and “me being so in love with them”. I told them it was me to them. And they said it was them to me. Unconditional love from my boyfriend. Unconditional love, something I was longing for. And they gave it to me. It was easy. It was nice. Unconditional love. Something my boyfriend gave to me and I gave back.

“We are twinning” I said. “No we are soulmates” they said. Because on the same day, after their gig, we said we would both be getting haircuts. That night was fun. During the day, they messaged me that they will have a gig. I said I will be coming. Because I missed them so badly. That day, I could not wait to log off work. When we met, we expressed how much we missed each other. I watched them perform. And after, we cuddled a lot. 

The first Saturday we did not see each other, they told me they had a dream. In the dream, their grandmother died. And they just want to be with their grandmother. When they woke up, they hugged their grandmother so tightly. I told them I understand. They said that they also had another dream where we were together and we were so happy. I said it was okay. We have years ahead of us and we could have more happy days together. 

We met a week after because they joined Dragdagulan. I missed them so much. And when I saw them up on that stage, I was so proud. Some queen even tried kissing them on stage. I was ready to fight. But they said no and did a split. I cheered. When it ended, I came up to them and hugged them. “Babe” they said. I hugged them and kissed them. We watched the rest of it together. Nothing else mattered because I have my boyfriend. I have Jaedehn.

After the Dragdagulan, I decided to go to Pop Up alone. Since Jaedehn wanted to rest. When I got there, I expected to have fun. But the night was not. 

A friend came up to me and said that my boyfriend was lying to me. I did not believe it. They said a couple of people came up to them saying the same thing. People were talking negatively about me, about them, about us. I cried that night. All I could think of that night was “I wish Jaedehn was here right now”. I went home immediately after and did not talk to anyone.

I told Jaedehn what everyone said, and I told them that I would believe them only them. Other people are just background noise. I made a public post about it because I was done with people talking about me and them. It happened with Storm and I did not want the same. I wanted to save my relationship with Jaedehn. 

Jaedehn and I continued to talk. Until the day before our monthsary. That day, I received no messages from them. I made sure to let them stay updated. I waited for their messages. Storm went to the office that day for his interview. I told him about Jaedehn. I told him how worried I was. And then Jaedehn messaged me. And all was good again. They told me they were just busy. I understood. After a couple of hours, they messaged me again. This time, they broke up with me. Once my shift was over, I cried to Storm. 

The next couple of days, I continuously messaged Jaedehn. I told them I love them. I gave updates. But none were seen. Their friends reached out to me, they told me to just wait for Jaedehn because Jaedehn will talk to me eventually. Rohan told me Jaedehn was going through things. Yohan told me that Jaedehn still loves me and was afraid that I would leave if I knew the truth. Mark told me to wait for Jaedehn and he’ll find a way for us to talk.

Cartel came. Mark was joining. I gave Rohan money so Jaedehn could come. It was the first time I saw them after the break up. I hugged them and told them how much I missed them. They remained quiet. I waited until they talked to me but they did not. So I went home after. 

I cried that night again and went to work with swollen eyes. Storm saw how I was doing. We grabbed a coffee before our shift started and I just cried. On shift I was working. In between breaks I was crying. When I went home, I continued crying. 

There was a time where I told Rohan and Mark to talk to Jaedehn. I said to relay that I would wait for them on the spot where we had our first date. They will show up right? They knew where I was. They knew that I would be waiting. They love me, so they will show up. Right? I went there early. And I waited… until the mall closed. I went home crying. But I have faith. 

I still messaged Jaedehn from time to time, waiting for a reply. One night, EJ and Rohan messaged me. It was about Jaedehn. They run away. An emergency at home. I already booked a ride home but I insisted the driver reroute so I could go to them. I stayed where I was. I waited for updates from their friends. I asked everyone I know. I told them to book a grab already to go to Jaedehn but they said they do not know where they are. I asked Storm to accompany me to look for them. After a couple of hours, I got an update. Jaedehn was okay now. So I went home. 

Mark invited me to go to Pop Up. Like last time, at my lowest, I had Lev, Andres, and Jester. This time, I have Mark, Rohan, Jason, Gelo, and Francis.

At Pop Up, I was there to have fun. I was there to make things light for me. I needed it. But it was not the case again. Someone came up to me and said “Aren’t you the one fucking a minor?” I confronted Rohan and the others about it. They confirmed it to be true. So that was the truth. I cried so hard that night. But at the back of my mind “did Jaedehn really think I would leave them? I love them so much. And I can wait. I will wait.”

I sent Jaedehn a video of Rohan being drunk. They replied. And then I told them that I know the truth already. I told them how I found out. And I told them I will not leave them no matter what. They told me they love me and that they miss me. We talked the whole night. They even joked about trying to disappear when they tried to break up with me. I told them I would not let that happen. We continued talking. And they even said that they just wanted to continue talking that night, even though I was already sleepy. I missed them so I did not sleep.

Since then we continued having conversations. I asked how they were doing and who they are currently staying with. I told them I want to go out with them. They said they were okay and no need to worry. They said that it sounds nice going out but they were locked up tight at their aunt’s place. I said I can wait. I can always wait for them.

Days went by and we continued talking. Until the conversations started to get dry. And they started acting mean towards me. I brushed it off. Mark told me that he suspected Jaedehn seeing another guy. Every time I asked Jaedehn, they brushed it off. I was not getting anything. 

Then one Saturday night. I confirmed it with Mark. But I told myself “Jaedehn would tell me”. The next morning, I confronted the guy. The guy confirmed. That was the only time Jaedehn messaged me again. They were angry at me. They said they regretted everything. I asked “Do you regret loving me?” and then I was blocked.

I cried the whole day that day. I did not leave my room. I called Mark and cried. I called Yohan and cried. The only time I went out was to pick up my sister from a concert. On the way home, I said my goodbyes to everyone I know and I swallowed a lot of sleeping pills. I overdosed. 

The next day, I woke up and went to the hospital alone. I went to work and I was back on autopilot. 

I was not okay. Was it all just a lie? Did our love not mean anything? Did I not mean anything? What happened? Where did I go wrong? 

August, I started to feel okay again. I met John Rhom. He became like Eliza when I was trying to move on from Storm. All the feelings I have for Jaedehn, I gave them to Rhom. Rhom knew about it. We were not meant to date. We were made to use each other. 

I lost my job and Jaedeh. But I got gigs and new friends. 

We went out a lot. We went on dates while I kept hooking up with other guys on the side. I was back to where I was when the year started. I hated it. But it is what it is. I haven’t heard from Jaedehn in a long time. And I thought I have moved on. But my birthday came and I wished I celebrated it with them and not Rhom.

Jaedehn and I had an interaction in our group chat. The banter was there. It was fun. I was cordial. Still thinking I have moved on. 

Then came Bar Zero. I was dating Rhom. Jaedehn was dating some guy. I asked them if anyone was showing up for them. They said none, so I told them I would. Because growing up, no one showed up for me. I know how that felt. And I don’t want them to ever feel like no one is there to show up and support them. Despite what had happened, I care for them.

So I went to support them. After the competition, they told me not to post anything because the guy was very sensitive. I said okay. But I thought “Wow the guy’s feelings were considered. Where was this with me back then?” When I got home, they messaged me that they got home as well. I smiled. Shit I haven’t moved on.

I had a dream about them after. I never had a dream about Rhom. And that was always an indicator of my feelings towards someone: me dreaming about them. Yup. I have not moved on yet. So I did what my logic told me to do: go to Rhom. Every time I thought of Jaedehn, I would go to Rhom. 

But it was not logic but it was love that overpowered me. And my love was Jaedehn. When I learned from our friends about their break up, they told me that maybe it was my time to shine again, particularly Raf. But I did not want to swoop in immediately. 

Time and time, every time when we interact, I get hopeful. They started teasing me again. The banter was back. So I stopped it with Rhom. But there was a time Rhom asked me what we were and if I would get back together with Jaedehn. I did not answer. I know the answer. But I chose to keep it to myself. 

For the first time, Jaedehn went to my house. They helped me with my make up. And they apologized. They told me that they thought all they did was hurt me. They did hurt me but not all throughout. They were the sweetest and kindest among the guys I dated. And I chose to overlook the bad for the good. I chose to wear those rose colored lenses. 

Since then I started seeing them frequently and talking to them more. Again, it gave me hope. And hope was all I have left. Our friends have noticed it too. Apparently I was not as subtle as I thought in hiding my feelings. 

But Jaedehn blocked me again. I confronted them about it, and they said they wanted me to move on and heal. I told them to unblock me. They said they would. But they did not. 

Still, I went to all of their shows in Bar Zero and the other gigs. I still wanted to support them. It never left my care for them. Even when they acted like I was not there at times. I brought them flowers because they deserve it. And then it hit me. I wanted to pursue them. So I asked. They said no. 

It is what it is. I feel nothing. I am chasing after a feeling that could not be felt. All the other boys bore me. I have sex, overdose, and overdrink to feel something. But I do not feel anything after the quick-fix. And I am done doing all those. 

I have blocked them on twitter because their tweets pop up on my for you page on twitter. I have blocked them on instagram too. I miss them. 

I wrote this because I feel empty again that something was missing. 

And I am missing Jaedehn.

Epilogue

I wish I could write an epilogue about how we got back together. But I will write this instead:

A thunderstorm met a tropical depression. Instead of a disaster, something better formed after. A grey-area on ground zero. No one knows what it is but one can’t help but go with the flow.

The thunderstorm is eccentric but never chaotic. It’s thunder are not frightening but cathartic. When it shows excitement it gets giddy. And the tropical depression can’t help but feel warm and silly.

Sometimes the thunders get terrifying and the lightning frightening. But storm’s always have an eye and that’s calming. This season of rain has always a hint of melancholy, but the thunderstorm brightens up the day ironically.

This thunderstorm did not bring destruction. It watered a drought and deforestation. With every drop, it brought serenity and sanity. It stopped a tropical depression from being a cyclone in a brink of annihilation.

I attempted suicide yet again. I could not take it anymore.

I went home after a long day at work. I was not on edge. I am off the deep end. I reevaluated my life, my choices. I had a good run. I am done.

I arrived home. I said hello to my dogs. I hugged my sister. I hugged my mother. I thought of my last words with the other people in my life. All were good. No awful last words.

Later that night, I drowned myself in pills. I mixed my medication with other things. I tried cutting but I was already palpitating, hence I only cut halfway. I bled a small amount. But my heart was racing. My legs were shivering. I was cold. I was running out of breath. And finally, I closed my eyes.

But you came a long.

You came and added color to my life. You made me go to places I have never been and experience things I have never thought I’d be experiencing. You made me want to continue walking. You made me me feel special. You made feel loved. You showed up in my times of need. You made me vulnerable. You made me let my guard down. You let me take down my wall I spent 3 years rebuilding. And now, you pulled back.

You pulled away. You became emotionally distant. You became physically distant. You made me feel abandoned with all the bricks on the floor from the wall I built and you tore down. You made me feel unwanted. You said you care and that you love me. But why are we like this? Why haven’t we patched things up?

You needed space. You needed time. And in those space and time, you’re out and about with someone else, showering them with all the things you did for me. As you shower them with the affection you had for me, I am showered by endless sorrow and pain.

The pain is palpable. I stopped crying. But I never stopped hurting. I can feel an immense pain. And all that could mend it is you.

One can be in coma for 24-48 hours. This is the induced coma brought by anesthetic drugs. I wonder where I can get one of those? To be in deep slumber. To be free from the pain lingering inside me. To be free from sorrow. Even for just 24-48 hours.

24-48 hours is only applicable for safe induced comas. Others can last for weeks or months. Some become vegetables. I wonder if people in coma feel anything or hear anything around them.

I remember my grandfather who was in coma before passing. I remember tears falling from his face. Did he hear us? The mind is technically unconscious. Was he aware of his surroundings? Again, the mind is unconscious.

Coma is like a passive death. I want to try it. Maybe that’s better than dying? But you have to wake up eventually. And live again. Which is sad. I want to be in a coma. 48 hours of being unconscious doesn’t sound too bad. Maybe it will help.

A few hours back, I had major panic attack after seeing his supposed friend surprise him at work for lunch. It was the friend he introduced to me a couple nights back. A friend he cozied up with instead of me. A friend he went out for breakfast with me instead of me. A friend who saw his costume first instead of me. Everything went like sudden flashbacks. I was hurt.

I went to him to apologize. A conversation turned into an argument. An argument turned into rage. He raised his voice at me. It scared me. He apologized. He said that he loves me and cares for me. He reassured me. We went our separate ways after.

As I was walking, I bawled my eyes out until all I see was blur. I get so dizzy. My legs felt week. I fell on the pavement. I composed myself. I tried calling friends but no one was picking up. I settled in at a Family Mart across the street. And then I saw them went out of a Starbucks. I begged whoever god there is that they turn a different direction. They did. So I went out and started walking on my own while craved his touch and his hug that will soothe me and calm my nerves.

I told him I was going to Greenbelt. That I did. I had to check if my PWD ID was there. It was a rough day because it wasn’t there to my dismay. Distraught, I went out not knowing what to do. And then from across the street, I saw them. He was holding his hand. He went to danger zone and walked him the same way he did me. I was in shambles.

I went to a different direction to avoid them. As I went in, I saw them in front of me. They were still holding hands. I walked swiftly past them but I heard the friend mentioned my name. I stopped to breathe. To cry. To let it out. And I went to walk to a different direction.

As I was nearing the bridge connecting Greenbelt to Landmark, I saw them again. My heart raised. It was crowded. I felt my world shrinking. So I ran swiftly as possible to avoid them. I almost fell. My knees were getting weak. My legs hurt like hell. I paused to cry again. I was on the verge of jumping the balcony. I was hurt. I was extremely hurt. The night at Pop Up was still fresh. And everything felt like salt on wounds.

I deleted all my socials so I could not see anything, save tiktok. I was just scrolling through tiktok to relieve my mind. And then what pops? A video he posted of them. And he was very affectionate. It wrecked me apart. I realized later that I have bruises from punching walls. My arms bled from the cutting I did. I had the worst day of my life.

Fuck my life. It hurts so bad.

After a few hours, I finally got to talk to someone. Someone who knows my pain and where I was coming from. Someone who experienced the same but from his POV. I finally got to talk to Matthew.

Matthew knew. He did it to me too. The phone call was abrupt. Although I wished it was long. I spent 3 years recovering only to be here. As I typed this, my left hand became numb.

After circling back to my conversation with him and to my abrupt conversation with Matthew, I came to realize what was wrong with me. I had an anxious attachment style. I did not respond well to silence. Space for me was only two to three days. And I thought that was enough. It made me look back and see that I was too much.

I was needy. I was in constant need of reassurance. I feared the uncertain. All because I did not know for certain if there was something I was actually holding on to.

At the end of the day, I still want us to be good. I still want us to go back to the way things were. I still want a do-over and learn from the mistakes we did to start fresh. I still want him to pick me, to choose me.

We made plans. And I because of that, I had plans. Now it’s blurry. And my future is again uncertain. Being suicidal, I make no plans for my future. I merely just live until I off myself or die from natural causes (whichever comes first). Making plans was big for me. To see these plans get blurry made me feel like I have no other reasons to continue living.

I was so mad when I learned that he had sex with another man. I was so mad that I punched every wall I see until my knuckles got swollen. I don’t know which made me angrier, when he paraded the man in front of me before it happened or the fact that is did happen.