Waxin Pornographically While Wackin Off Poetically

Randy was no liar; they never had been. Even when they'd tried to tell a lie, they were awful at it, fumbling over their words as though they’d just learned English that same day. So Sidney knew that what they said had to be true. She just couldn't bring herself to believe it.

She and Billie had been together since their freshman year, sharing a dorm quickly transmuting into falling madly in love. They were the model butchfemme couple, the sturdiest relationship in their whole group of friends. Sidney hadn’t even thought Billie had it in her to be attracted to the same masculinity that she herself possessed. She was just too Butch to even look in another butch’s direction. She just had always been so… stone. But Randy had never been a liar, and Sidney had no choice but to believe their clear tone and concise wording.

Billie was cheating on Sidney with their good friend, Stu Macher. Sidney’s mind reeled as she wondered if Billie had ever let Stu touch her, break her hard stone exterior to find something soft and sweet beneath that Sidney had never been let into. Sidney knew that Randy was telling the truth, that they had seen Billie and Stu in the back of the library where they thought no one would see, hands up each other’s shirts. Sidney had never been allowed to touch Billie’s breasts. She wondered what it was that made Stu so special.

Even as reality sank in, she found herself shaking her head, a disbelieving smile making its way onto her lips. “No… No way, Randy. Billie isn’t even into other butches. You must be misremembering-”

Randy was quick to cut her off, “Listen, Sid, I know that this sucks and it hurts to hear. But I saw what I saw, which was incidentally you and Tatum’s girlfriends tonguing each other down in the very back corner of the science fiction section. I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but I felt like I should tell you.” Sidney’s ears seemed to fill with the sound of rushing water as Randy told her this, their gentle “Sid, I’m so sorry” coming in muffled and distant.

Her legs felt like jelly, and she felt her stomach turn twice over in pure disbelief. Billie and Stu. She wondered back at the last three years that they had been together, that they had all known each other. How long had this been going on? How long had the two of them been going behind her and Tatum’s backs? How many camping trips and sleepovers had really been a cover-up for their shared infidelity? Sidney didn’t know, but she knew that she had to tell her best friend. “Does Tatum know?”

Randy shrugged slightly. “I don’t know, I just found out. I came to tell you first.”

Sidney nodded slightly, her eyes staring past Randy in the direction from which they’d come running, the direction of the campus library, where she was sure Billie and Stu still were. She wanted to storm in there and rip their fucking heads off. Instead, she thanked Randy and turned on her heel, rushing in the direction of the psych building. She had to tell Tatum.

~~~

Sidney looked at Tatum in awe. When she’d come to tell her what she’d learned from Randy, she had expected the response to at least somewhat match her own disbelief and devastation. Instead, Tatum had thrown her head back and laughed, loudly at that; and not a shocked laugh, a genuine belly laugh that doubled her over, hands on her knees. “No way. No way! And Randy caught them? In the library of all places? What is this, high school?”

Sidney stared in shock. How could Tatum seemingly not care? She’d been with Stu for over a year now, ever since she’d dumped Casey Becker (or Casey Becker had dumped her; that part of Stu’s romantic history was never too clear). However, instead of being shocked or devastated, or even a bit upset, Tatum seemed to find the whole situation utterly amusing.

“Why are you laughing? Tatum, our girlfriends have been fucking behind our backs for God only knows how long! Aren’t you like, pissed, hurt, anything?”

Tatum’s laughter slowly fizzled into a sly smile as she walked up to Sidney, gently placing her hands on her shoulders. “Sid, please believe me when I say that I am so beyond pissed off right now. But come on, you don’t think it’s the tiniest bit funny? Like the two biggest, baddest, butchiest bitches on campus have been cheating on their femmes… with each other? Probably for months at least? Like, geez, I wonder who tops! Do you think they arm wrestle to see who gets to wear the strap?” At this, Tatum burst into another bout of gut-busting laughter.

Sidney laughed along, a mixture of disbelief and, suddenly, a sense of humor in the situation when her best friend presented it to her like this. She thought of Billie on her back for Stu and laughed harder. Even she couldn’t tell if the laughter was genuine or just to keep her from crying.

“Oh goodness, Tatum, what are we gonna do?” Sidney’s question came out, broken by her now uncontrollable giggles.

Tatum smiled and wrapped her arms around her friend. “Honestly, girl, I have no idea. But I do know that we aren’t spending another second crying over those two-timing losers.” Tatum pulled back from their hug, staring Sidney in the eyes, a devilish look in hers. “We, beloved, are going to do what I have always done best. We are going to get even.”

~~~

Billie had always been very territorial, especially when it came to her femme. Sidney found this funny now, knowing what she had just found out. Stu was the same with any femme she dated, Tatum being no exception. The two femmes decided that they could use this. They had to be careful how they did it; they didn’t want to get any poor, unsuspecting local dyke hurt in their attempts to get even. That was why they knew just who to go to to help them get their revenge.

Randy was at work at the local video store when they found them. Sidney had felt bad about implicating them in their plans. Randy was so sweet, so kind, and generous, always there for Sid when she and Billie would get into fights or even if she’d done poorly on an essay that she’d worked really hard on. According to Tatum, this made them the perfect pawn in their plans for revenge.

Tatum had decided that she would get back at Stu with her ex, Casey Becker. It was something that Stu wouldn’t see coming, and she knew it would rock her to her core. Stu had a fragile ego and likely wouldn’t be able to stomach the idea of her girlfriend with another girl, something Sidney and Tatum found painfully ironic. It would be easy, Tatum said, because Casey had come on to her several times in the past, likely just as eager to hurt Stu as Tatum now was.

As for Sidney? She was to seduce Randy, an easy task according to Tatum; Randy’d had a thing for Sidney since they first met at freshmen orientation. That was why Billie had always gone out of her way to be so cold and intimidating towards them since she and Sidney had begun talking. Sidney found it hard to believe that Billie saw Randy, sweet, mild-mannered Randy, as a genuine threat to their relationship. According to Tatum, though, Billie had always felt uneasy about Sidney’s tight friendship with Randy. “Haven’t you ever wondered why Randy and Billie never hang out outside of group settings?” Tatum had questioned when she first explained her master plan. “Or why Billie gets so upset when you and Randy hang out without her around?”

According to Tatum, it was clear-cut insecurity and jealousy, and it would be excellent for their revenge plot. “Listen, Sid, you don’t even have to fuck Randy if you don’t want to. We just need word to spread that you might. We just need to hurt Billie as much as she hurt you.”

So Sidney walked into the video store in a low-cut shirt that Tatum had picked out for her less than an hour ago, and approached Randy, nervous for the first time to speak to them. “Hey, Randy,” she said, her voice coming out slightly softer and more stuttery than usual. She mentally kicked herself. God, how was she gonna seduce them when she was too nervous to even speak?

But Randy didn’t even seem to notice. “Oh, hey, Sid! How’s it, uh, how’s it goin?” She couldn’t help but notice that as they spoke, their eyes wandered down her body and back up. She wondered how often that had happened, and she had just been so obliviously unaware.

Now was the time to act. “Not good, honestly.” As she spoke, she leaned over the checkout counter, pushing her chest out slightly and pouting her lips in a way that she knew drove Billie crazy. She hoped it would have the same effect on her friend.

As they stuttered over their words, she fought to keep back a smile. It was working. “Oh, man, yeah. Uh. Yeah.. I guess so, huh? I’m real sorry, Sidney.”