Birds of Paradis

WooHoo...we're gearing up for baby number 2!

So, one year ago I had a child, opened a design firm/furniture store, and taken on the full-time occupation of mother.  My child comes with me everyday, and I try and do EVERYTHING I can for her to create some natural environment that she can explore...blah, blah, blah.

What does this mean?  Well, I puree all sorts of vegetables and sneak them into every meal I cook (and yes, I cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for my family...well, maybe not lunch), pre-make everything on Sundays and prep for the week, and attempt to be as organic as possible.

I never thought that motherhood was going to be easy, nor did I think that I would fall in love as hard as I have, but alas, I'm a cliché.

Prudence turned 1 on March 26, and I have been filled with all sorts of nostalgia, and a strong desire to reflect on my first year of motherhood, and what seems like a first year of marriage.

I could honestly say that this past year (in many ways) has been the worst of my life: my marriage has been tested (in an incredibly hard, most difficult way), my self-confidence rocked, relationships and self esteem totally damaged.  So what makes me go on?  My sweet Prudence.  I realize she is the only person worth living for.  She makes it all worth it, even when my life is collapsing all around me.  

The past two mornings my daughter has decided that 4am is the best time to wake up and be cute.  I wake up to little coo's and her giggling next to me.  So, I bring her in my bed, feed her, hoping she will fall back asleep, but much to my chagrin, she doesn't.  In fact, it makes her act even cuter!

So here I sit, listening to her giggle and play in her crib, with my trusty laptop on my lap working.

My thoughts are: unless you've done it, are able to do it, or have breasts that provide nutrition to another human being...don't judge or comment.  Seriously.

I've truly enjoyed the breastfeeding journey with my daughter so far, and I will "whip the tit" whenever I need to.  So far I have not run into any issues, and if I do, then...well, I feel bad for that person!

Happy breastfeeding everyone!  Enjoy your bonding time with your child!

Yes, I am doing all three of these things, and I don't care what people have to say about it.  

I am a 30-something (oy, I sometimes hate writing that!) mother that is doing the very best I can to run a business (I own Impeccable Nest, check out our blog: impeccablenestinteriors.tumblr.com), be a mother, wife, daughter and sister.  This means you do what you think is right, and being a 30-something also means that I have some habits that have been well developed.

This wouldn't be such an issue, however during my pregnancy a few of my other friends were pregnant too and we keep in touch with each other and see how the other mom is doing.  This obviously brings up some interesting points and conversations surrounding how we are doing this parenting thing.  I have received some flack about my co-sleeping habits, questions surrounding my breastfeeding and length of breastfeeding and finally why I refused to buy a carseat I could carry, and insisted on wearing my baby.

Here are my reflections on the three controversial topics:

1.  I love sleeping next to my girl.  In fact, I didn't think it would cause me such distress when she was sleeping in the other room, or away from me.  I love waking up next to her, and being next to her...always.

2.  Breastfeeding: yes, this will continue for her first year.  In fact, I didn't think I'd enjoy it as much as I do, but I love looking down and seeing her face, and also knowing that I can provide everything that she needs.  It's food and comfort for her, and also for me.

3.  Babywearing: I love it!  Again having her so close to me is the most comforting feeling in the world.  I cannot begin to explain the connection.

My life has become so much more hectic, busy and lovely since you arrived.  You came and totally rocked my world, but I have yet to break down.  Maybe I will soon, but there aren't enough hours in the day to do that these days.

Opening a store, staying open, welcoming clients, working, maintaining a home, and finally being a mother has been one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life, yet I continue to put one foot in from of the other.  Every day does get easier, and I allow myself a few missteps.  It seems as though I have to.

The plan/goal:

I wanted a natural, vaginal childbirth from the beginning with little to no (unless medically necessary) intervention.   

The reality:

 My water broke on the exam table when my doc wanted to do a sweep (I was exactly 39 weeks), and then came Niagara Falls. I started crying immediately, and the nursing staff thought I was going to have an emotional break down on top of labor. I eventually pulled myself together, put on my diaper, and leaked my way to the maternity ward at 10am Monday morning.  

First thing I did was shower, it was nasty. I totally understand why a wet diaper is so uncomfortable!  So potty training moms, I identify with your toddlers and I'd cry too!  And then I waited patiently for it all to begin. In fact, we were so patient I decided to kick it up a notch and use pitocin. Around 4pm, regular (nice, wave like) contractions came in. In fact, I had good conversations with my mom, sister, mother in law and husband at the time and watched a great "love it or list it" marathon on HGTV. I also though that I could manage it. Then came the doc. I was still 3cm. Awesome. 

We turned up the juice and I went from 3-6.5cm by 7pm. I was in the hot tub, bounced on the ball and still hovering around 8 by 10pm. The details get wonky from here on out, but know this was done without pain meds, and I really thought I could do it. Around 12am, came the poop pushing feeling, and we thought I'd be done at 1am. No luck. From 12(ish) until I accepted my c-section reality at 4:30am, I did everything my nurse asked me to in order to make this baby dump happen. I swore, moaned groaned, pushed, lifted, lowered, blah, blah, blah and the little fucker didn't move. 

Fully dilated, effaced and ready to go, but she wasn't having it. Around 4:30am, I had no energy, couldn't lift myself up, it was time to accept my fate, and I did. My mom realized this was the reality around 2am (or earlier) because she would check every time the nurse or doc was down there. Hopeful, and then her shoulders would shrink down with disappointment. Tim knew as well too, but was so supportive and hugged e as I wretched all over him. And my poor sister petted my head, crying as she realized she would never want to have kids after seeing me in all those awesome positions, swearing and moaning looking as beautiful as I did (hair and makeup never made it!). 

Then we had to wait for the OR. It was ready 45 mins after we made our decision. In my head, I calculated how many more  1:30sec contractions I had to get through, every 2 minutes in order to stop feeling anything. It was the longest, most hideous wait of my life, but I had nothing left. At 5:15am, I went in, embraced my nurse, who was an angel to me. We know her personally, and she treated me like daughter and a patient. I hugged her and cried, as she embraced me and cried with me too as the anesthesiologist numbed me down, and I got prepped for surgery. 

My mom and Tim were invited inside, my playlist was on in the OR, I was totally out of it or doing my drunk Emma chats, and my sister watched from the outside as I was cut open. As soon as the doctor pulled her out, dear prudence came out over the speakers and the world left me for her. I was only told how large her head was, and how narrow I was, and that there was no way she would have passed through to other side. So I got the c-section, and her head was quite bruised. 

So, I have been really pushing it these days.  In fact, I could say that I have pushed it too far, and it's starting to affect me.  

In order to have all my little projects completed before Prudence arrives, I have been burning the candle at both ends, moving things I shouldn't be, and attempting to get it all done, so that I may enjoy my first few weeks of motherhood.  

I'm not sure why I have taken on this burden alone, but I am a typical Type-A personality, that wants things done 5 minutes ago, and no one can do them as well as I can.  What I need to remember, is that I am only one person, the world will not end if I don't do what I was supposed to do, and that sometimes there are more important things in life.

Holy shit.  

That's all that comes to my brain.  Holy shit.  Am I ready?  When people say it hurts, define hurt.  How much will my life change?  Will I love her more than my puppies?  Will I be able to keep up?  Is my husband ready? Are our families ready?  How about financially?  I know you can't prepare for this stuff, but how can you prepare?

Today I have had the realization that everything is beyond my control, so I am slowly tackling the little things I can control...like the laundry.  I can fold it, and put it away, or put it in everyone's rooms.  I can work on the tasks I have yet to complete for my business.  I can make dinner.  I can pick things up and put them down...basically, that's my mantra these days, yet when it comes to anything to do with baby, I freeze.  It's almost as though I think the longer I postpone things, the longer they will take to happen.  Good logic, right?

I realized today that I haven't packed a hospital bag, nor have I prepared a playlist (and music is super important to me).  I also haven't washed any newborn related stuff either...like the sheets, blankies, cloth diapers, onesies, shirts...you know, the stuff to keep her clothed.  When I start thinking about all these little details, I want to take a nap.  Good reaction, huh?

So it's official...if you were to be born this week, you are now full term.  We made it my little tomato (or winter melon, according to the bump website)! Every day brings a flurry of new emotion and feeling to me, but we are really excited that the end is near, and we will see you soon.  Although, I'm not quite sure how well your doggies siblings will feel about you...

This past weekend, we worked on our upcoming event this friday, a centerpiece design for a table competition.  You definitely helped me out by keeping those feet swollen, and squirming around inside which forced me to take a few time outs and enjoy the moment.  I know this feeling will not last much longer, as I will have to share you with the outside world, but I enjoy our little moments together.  

Sleep is elusive these days.  Some nights I am wide awake, and others I am able to get a consistent amount of sleep, so who knows.  Maybe it is my bodies way of preparing me for motherhood, or it is karma from being such a sound sleeper before you were a thought.  Either way, it is quite the exhausting roller coaster.  Between my mind racing, you moving and grooving, and not being able to sleep on my stomach my nights of 8 hours of sleep or more may be a thing of the past.  The funny thing is, is that everyone says "get your sleep in now!" but their warnings are definitely falling on deaf ears at the moment.  And yes, I know that I will to get my sleep in now as it will be increasingly more difficult in the future.  

Aside from missing sleep, I am also missing my ankles...they have been taken over by fluid...let's hope you come out soon so I can see them again!  I never thought that I would appreciate my feet as much as I do now!  It's not only my ankles I miss, but I do the full on pregnancy waddle, and it takes me time to get in and out of the car, and up a flight of stairs, and...and...and...I will stop.  I know that this will come to an end soon enough.

We are almost there!  I cannot believe it!

Inside, you are doing a little dance every day (and night), and I'm freaking out a little more every day.  In fact, between the lost amount of sleep, increased swelling in my feet, and the amount of work I have decided to put upon myself these days make me forget at times that I am pregnant, but then, there you are...partying away inside my belly.

I'm beginning to place bets on when we should plan on meeting you.  Will you be early?  Will you be right on time, April 1?  Or will you be late, as everyone is predicting?  There are so many things that I need to worry about and complete before your arrival, and I'm worried I won't have the time, nor the energy to do so.  Oh well...there isn't much I can do about it these days.

Yes, I will be 33 this year (which is something I don't believe, because rumor has it I'll celebrate 29 again) and this is my 33rd week of pregnancy.  And I haven't forgotten about this little blog that I started many, many moons ago because, my dear Prudence, you do not let me forget about you for a moment.  You are punching and kicking your way throughout my uterus all day and night long.  You are a force to be reckoned with!  Let me tell you...

The real reason why I have not been updating this blog lately is that we have been quite busy in Paradis these days: your mama is opening up a store.  Yes, in the last few weeks of keeping you inside, I have given birth to another baby, well a dream really: a home design store.  This store will offer home furnishings and decorative accessories alongside interior design services and event services too.  This is a dream of mine and it will be shared with my mother and (eventually) my sister.  Needless to say, we have spent many hours and weeks devoted to making this dream a reality and you have been along for the ride!  In fact, you will spend many days and hours with me in our store and I cannot wait.

Part of this dream includes you: you will spend time with me, wrapped in the Moby, or sleeping in the back in the store and I cannot wait.  In fact, I cannot wait to spend every waking moment with you and it is now that I am finally realizing it.  Maybe since you're supposed to be here in approximately 48 days left (according to The Bump), or maybe because you've been so active lately, but either way, I have been looking forward to you making your way into the world and into my arms.