keep fighting.

“Look, I’m just saying…it’s strange that they are giving away food. It isn’t like other groups that require you to go through some sort of test or trade something…they are just GIVING it away. There is something fishy about it.” He said. Ever since Scottdale’s brush with madness, Charlie had been doing all he could to draw suspicion on the Roamers. The Thieves knew about how they got the meat, but they wanted to keep to themselves. Surviving in the shadows. If it had been anyone else he would have been forcibly removed from the group. However, there were some that were wondering if that was the best way to survive. Two of their leaders were killed because they didn’t meddle, and others were harmed or killed in the experiments. Charlie couldn’t sit idly by any longer.  

Billie couldn’t ignore the man’s words; it was definitely weird that people were just giving anything away, specially in large quantities. It wasn’t a single group, or a little bit of food here and there. Her mind, however, trying not to think of things in such a harsh light -- specially after the whole thing with Logan -- was choosing to inhabit the denial land. “Maybe they found a large supply and are doing it just to make themselves feel better.” There was a hint of a joke somewhere in her words, though she wasn’t sure she actually conveyed that she was trying to do that. Not even she believed her own words. Truthfully, though, she just wanted to know what the other was thinking more than anything. In a world like theirs, nothing would surprise her anymore. At least, that’s what she believed.

Rivka sensed that the woman didn’t completely believe her. She pulled out her bounty hunter license and badge as proof that she wasn’t lying. After the woman got a look at her credentials, Rivka put her papers back into her pocket. “Damian is a fugitive of the law and I came here to take him back to jail,” she said. “The most recent information that I have on him was that he was around here, in Scottsdale. Perhaps he has moved on from this place since then.” She pursed her lips and tapped her foot on the ground for a moment in thought. “How long have you been around here? I take it you are on leave from the Navy?”

Pressing her lips together, Billie tilted her head. “There’s really no law anymore.” Not one where people went to jail for breaking it; now, it was about survival, not paying one’s dues. And suddenly, everyone was a judge. “Someone paid you to look for this guy before or after everything went to shit?” Billie had to know, she was curious -- if the latter, why the hell was someone paying a bounty hunter to look for someone else when there was a large chance they were dead already? “They could also be dead already.” The girl said, bluntly so. “Grew up here. Was on leave when the outbreak happened. And you?”

He re-crosses his arms but it feels wrong and he hates it. He hates closing himself off, especially to her. But, quite honestly, he knows that he isn’t just shielding himself. Billie needs to be guarded from his fear, too. Because his fear and worry, what he wore on his sleeve alongside his heart (though still refused assistance with) was the cause of this. It was why she didn’t come to him, ‘enough on your plate’. Which meant someone told her. He didn’t even get a chance to tell her. 

She didn’t think this was important enough to tell him. That she was LEAVING. And worse, that she got hurt and didn’t think to come to him with it– no matter how small. Not hat anything was small anymore. No, this world had a way of finding the tiniest tear and ripping it into something irreparable. Something deadly and deep and open. Vulnerable. 

The, ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t smooth over anything. He wishes it would, but the fact she felt the need to apologize only stirs his worry. His fear, and by extension, his anger. That unsettled, faulted vexation. Maybe, he thinks, this was how Rebecca felt whenever he would be there with sorry’s spilling past his lips over mistakes that were beyond apologies. After there was too much to forget and such a tired forgiveness that it was already applied before the apology had been made. 

“I would have cleared the plate,” Ethan says, a little over her and over his own train of thought. Arms still folded and he doesn’t move. “Whatever you think I’m busy with, you’re more important.” 

He wants to move, though. He wants to reach out and grab her hand because she’s there and she’s alright– but he can’t. He can’t because there was a chance she wasn’t going to come back for a good while and he had to sleep on that. Another person he could have lost, because he was thinking of himself and not catching things before they happened. Not there to stop or say, ‘no’. To be the oldest. Bash was always the better leader– the better big brother. 

God, how clueless was he? 

“You’re smart. God, you’re fucking smart.” He laughs, but strained and tight and not at all amused. Looking away, he shoves his hands into his hair and grips. “But this?” Ethan turns back to her, hand outstretched in a gesture to her stance. ‘It’s just a sprain,’ “This was so stupid, Billie. So, so, so fucking stupid and you just– You didn’t tell me? You didn’t say anything to me at all! And I hear from someone else that you’re back? When did we stop talking to each other?” There’s nothing there, no attempt to mask the hurt. 

That was it. 

He was hurt. It wasn’t her fault either, not really. No, this was an old wound that never scarred over. That ache of abandonment. Of helplessness. Of being left. And this just tore off whatever thin scab he was finally developing over that pain, that fear. Angry was the only thing he could try now, because he tried mourning. Tried guilt. Tried hope. Everything he tried always got ripped from his hands just as he got a hold of it, and someone else would die. But, anger. No, this was new and raw and he hated it. But, wasn’t he allowed to be angry at some point? “A sprain isn’t nothing anymore. A sprain means you can’t run and when you can’t run– that just– do you have any idea what could have happened?” 

A step back, and he’s restless. Has to move in some way or another. At the same time, he’s trapped. Stuck in place because he can’t go forward– not yet– and there isn’t a chance he’s leaving. Not when she’s back and she could have died. “I swear–” He doesn’t know what to, so he just lets the sentence get cut sharp with a sigh. “I love you, I love you so much, but this was… Christ. What were you thinking?” 

You’re more important.

Billie gulped when she heard those words, shaking her head as if trying to stop them from repeating themselves over and over again inside of her head, like an echo that never ended. She knows he meant them in a good way, in a way that made her feel safe and protected. That wasn’t the way she felt after hearing those words, however. All she felt was the weight of every life lost around her, threatening to crush her. Instead of letting that feeling take over, she buried deep inside; she couldn’t break down now, specially since she didn’t know whether or not she would come back from it. 

Looking down, Billie pressed her lips together and closed her eyes, trying not to overthink words that were meant to be so simple. Trying not to let the guilt eat her insides yet again. Trying to focus on not scratching her skin off of her forearm. She knows she messed up but all she wants to do is forget about the whole thing. Ignoring situations isn’t the healthiest approach, but it was the only one she felt able to deal with. Billie also knew that they had to talk. He was the only family she had left and the last thing she wanted was to lose him, specially because of something stupid. 

“My life isn’t worth more than anyone else’s, okay?” Impulsive, and perhaps over-dramatic, words left her mouth, and as soon as she spoke, Billie wanted to smack herself upside the head. Eyes closed, head shaking and forehead resting on an open palm, trying to pretend she hadn’t just said what she had said. Billie knew where those words had come from; every death she had on her shoulders, every situation she had survived where others hadn’t, every situation where someone else’s life was on the line just to save hers -- and that whole thing with Alex only brought that guilt back. 

Licking her lips when she heard Ethan’s next words, Billie shook her head. Looking away. Blinking time and time again. Trying to keep herself together because she didn’t get to break down, not when Ethan had been the one to lose a sister not long before that very moment and now had to act as a leader. Billie brought her arms close to her upper body, but she didn’t cross them, no -- she hugged herself, almost as if trying to remind herself to keep herself in one piece. 

Her eyes had been glued to every possible object in the room as Ethan spoke. Only before she replied, did she look at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you anything. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about leaving but I couldn’t stay back, okay? I -- I had to go, I had to.” To make sure a guy with no self-preservation thoughts didn’t get himself killed. “I didn’t come back here sooner because I didn’t want you to freak out. I got back in one piece.” Almost got bitten and maimed to death, eaten alive by a horde of walkers but that wasn’t something he needed to know. “We didn’t stop talking to each other, Ethan, I just --” A sharp sigh cut through her words, the girl looking away and gulping again before her gaze was back on her cousin. “I fucked up, I get it. I won’t do it again.” Possibly.

Billie was trying so hard to keep everything in, she was trying to hard not to let her emotions get the upper hand and make her say or do something that she would regret. So, so hard. “I know, Ethan.” A humorless laugh left her, the girl shaking her head and running her hands through her hair before she spoke again. “I know what could’ve happened. Believe me, I know.” Although she tried to keep it vague, it was obvious just how close she had gotten to the end of her line, even if she hadn’t meant for those words to come out as they did. “But nothing happened and I can’t -- we can’t get stuck on that otherwise we’ll go insane.”

Hiding her face on the palms of her hands when she heard Ethan’s words, Billie counted to five and told herself to calm down, to not burst into tears for everything that had happened before that very moment. “I was thinking I had to go with my group, okay? I had to make sure no one else died. I had to be there. I know I was selfish, Ethan, I know. I shouldn’t have done that so close to --” Rebecca’s death. A lump cut her sentence short, the girl pressing her lips before she spoke again. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

@billiehvang

‘Your cousin and her friend are in the care wing’ 

It all started when he came back from the cabin to discover that, at some time during his time out, Billie and Alex– with accompanying Minutemen– had gone out from the Community. Without a whiff of goodbye or word to him, mind you, but he had to trust Billie. And Alex, but Billie he knew would only leave if she HAD to go. If there was no other person who could fill her shoes, because if she left she would definitely have waited to say goodbye unless there was no way for her to. 

Then, hours turned to days. The reigns of the Community were shifted almost fully into his hands– with the title of leader. The responsibility of the position was only a minor distraction; needed, but not enough. Not enough to take his mind away from the fact they should be back by now. Because Billie wouldn’t go off for days, return safely somewhere, then NOT send word to him that she had. That wasn’t her. No way. So, he made the transition from ‘I’ll remind her to at least say good bye when she gets back’ to ‘I am an hour away from sending a search party’. 

Today, of course, came with the news. They were back. And no one had immediately come to see him, so he assumed the worst. Really, no one can blame him after everything that everyone has been through the past month or so. 

When he found Alex, he wasn’t all too nice to him. Something he’s going to have to apologize for later, but honestly in that moment he couldn’t focus on much more than the fact that Billie was a room away– that she’d been hurt, even just minorly. 

From there, it was a straight shot to the room they had Billie set up in. Even sprains and minor cuts got attention in the Community, which meant that she probably hadn’t been able to escape from their medical aids. Yet. Pulling open the door, he startled the attending nurse who promptly went into asking him how he was and if everything was alright. The patient who’s arm she was bandaging looked between them and Ethan sighed. 

“Claire. Give us the room, please.” Claire, the sweet woman she was, didn’t argue. Didn’t fuss or ask why. She just bobbed her head in a little nod, cast a glance to the only person in the room whom Ethan hadn’t been addressing, then gently led the other patient (likely a lone wolf, he didn’t have a recognizable face) from the room. They closed the door with a click behind them and it was just Ethan and Billie. 

He didn’t sit down. Didn’t get any closer than he already was. Just crossed his arms, uncrossed them, then set both hands on his waist. He hadn’t thought a lot about what he wanted to say, but now that he was here, he had all too much to tell her. “Just– Just–” again, he moved his hands to pinch the bridge of his nose. His worry had been sitting long enough to turn into fear. And that fear, in seeing her, tipped into something akin to anger. At the same time, he wasn’t mad. 

No, actually. he was mad. Or the closest he could be to mad right now. And Ethan didn’t do ‘mad’ very well. He didn’t like it, not at all. Not when the passion of anger could be used in such more helpful ways– but right now, frankly, he didn’t give a shit about how constructively his anger could be used. Why was he the one who couldn’t be mad? Why didn’t he ever feel like he could be angry about things? He had a lot of shit to be angry about! Why did he always let himself feel guilty about it? 

“What the hell, Billie?” 

Although her sprain wasn’t fully recovered by then, Billie could at least walk already and the first stop she went to was the Community base. She knew she shouldn’t be pushing it, but the world wasn’t going to stop just so she could take a break and let her sprain heal fully. There wasn’t a wound in her body for which she actually waited the recovery time to go by fully. And, in her hopeful mind, she only had to deal with her sprained ankle and nothing else -- no one else. Ethan might’ve been busy trying to deal with the whole Logan thing still, so maybe he wouldn’t be too worried. 

Turns out, Ethan had more on his plate than she realized. Overhearing the nurses talk about Ethan, how they had to double check things with him, how they talked about him -- was he the new guy in charge? It couldn’t be. How could he deal with all that shit after what he had gone through? Billie knew he was capable of handling whatever life threw at him but that... that was a whole new thing and she didn’t want her cousin to overwork himself.

Parting her lips to ask the nurses what had happened, her intentions were cut short when she heard the door open and she saw her cousin with a less than friendly look on his face. Billie looked down, avoiding Ethan’s eyes. Giving the nurse a small smile as a goodbye, the brunette watched as Claire walked out and the other patient followed. Fuck. 

Billie had messed up, she realized that much when she saw her cousin’s stance. A heavy silence set in between them and the girl didn’t know whether to go ahead and talk or just let him do it. She could feel the tension fill the room and all she could think about was how selfish and careless she had been, not telling Ethan what had happened. Billie didn’t want to worry him, her intentions were in the right place, but it turned out she only made things worse. 

The brunette didn’t regret going on the mission. Her people were okay, Alex didn’t die -- though he could’ve -- and although they didn’t get much, they also didn’t lose anything. Her ankle would heal, no one had been killed or bitten, which was nothing short of a miracle in a world like theirs. What she regretted doing, however, was going days without saying anything to Ethan. She figured if enough time went by and she could walk normally, then he didn’t have to know about her sprain and make a big deal out of it. 

That plan sure came back to bite her in the ass, though. 

“I’m sorry, okay?” Billie first said, standing up and walking towards him, stopping a few steps away. Her lips parted to speak, but no words came out the girl just shook her head and shrugged her shoulders lightly, more at herself than anything else, since she was clueless about what she was supposed to say. 

Letting out a sharp sigh, Billie looked around the room trying to just calm herself down and trying to keep her nails from digging into her flesh again; she couldn’t do that, not in front of Ethan. He already had too much on his plate. “It’s just a sprain, I didn’t --” She let out a breath and gulped, pressing her lips together before she composed herself again and looked at him. “It was a simple mission but we got caught off guard. I -- I didn’t want to worry you with something so small. You obviously have enough on your plate.”

“The more people scatter, the more people you see from different countries. More than you realize,” Rivka told her. “But yes, I’m not from around here.” As soon as she got her answer regarding the woman’s military service, Rivka lowered her weapon, but still kept it ready in case she needed to fire. “No. Bounty hunter.” It had been a while since she was in the IDF. She worked for Mossad and successfully maintained the cover of a bounty hunter beyond borders. “I am here to find a man named Damian Balfour. He was last seen around here.”

"I’ll keep that in mind.” Billie simply replied, nodding her head afterwards. The whole country was build from people all over the world, so it wasn’t as surprising as some might’ve perceived it as. As soon as she saw the woman lower her weapon, Billie did the same with her arms, though she kept herself wary -- although she had nothing against the woman, besides the fact she was at gunpoint not seconds before, Billie had to remind herself to not trust strangers. “Bounty hunter, right.” Billie nodded, biting the inside of her cheek. Furrowing her eyebrows at the woman’s question, the brunette shook her head. “No, I’ve never met someone named Damian. I haven’t seen anyone here for a while.” If she was still doing her business, even in the apocalypse, some of her targets might end up wanting to chew her for lunch.

Alex raised his eyebrows, crossing his arms over his chest as he nodded at her. “You’re right. Cutting yourself with your own nails is way better than that. I don’t know why everyone else doesn’t do it,” he said, almost laughing out of sarcasm. “There’s no difference from drowning yourself in moonshine and what you do. You’re broken just like everybody else. It’s not better, and it’s certainly not nothing,” he spoke bluntly, his eyes never leaving hers. There hadn’t been a time in his life where trauma wasn’t present- as fucked up as it was, feeling like that had become his ‘normal’ and it was easy for him to notice when other people went through the same thing. 

Alex sighed, giving in. He knew it was pointless to keep battling her on the matter, so with a nod of his head, he agreed. He was exhausted, and his mind kept looking for threats. Maybe tomorrow he’d have more energy to fight her on something else. “Fine. I’ll take the first shift. You need rest more than I do right now.”

“I know,” he said, emphasising his words, more to soothe her than to agree with what she was saying. Alex knew the thought of his group stuck in the building would keep him up at night, even if he wanted to sleep. “Can you stop battling me on every single thing I say? Most of the walkers would be gone during the night and the rest of them wouldn’t see me,” he argued, gesturing with his hand. He was tired, too tired. “But if it bothers you so much, I’ll just go in the morning, okay?”

Billie looked at Alexander and let out a sigh, shaking her head as she listened to his words. She knew he was right; in her head, deep down inside of it, she knew he was right. But the part of her that ended up having her scratch her skin out wasn’t the logical part of her brain. It was a part of her head that she couldn’t seem to get a hold of and it made everything worse. Looking away, her dark eyes looked at everything but at Alex as he spoke, almost as if her mind was keeping her from dealing with the whole thing. “I don’t know what else to do.” The girl admitted in a low voice, feeling her dry eyes change and she blinked time and time again, trying to keep a tear from rolling down her cheek. If she didn’t look at him at that moment, then maybe his words wouldn’t get engraved in her mind.

Billie would be lying if she said she hadn’t gotten surprised by his agreeing words so soon into a discussion, but she wasn’t about to fight him on that. It wasn’t like she got some sick pleasure out of always disagreeing with everything he said; the problem was with the fact that everything he said completely disregarded his safety. “Alright. I can deal with that.” Billie admitted.

“No, I can’t.” Billie simply replied, letting a few seconds stand between those words and her next ones. Until he said something that wouldn’t put himself in danger, then Billie would never stop opposing every single plan he’d tell her -- she couldn’t. It was stupid, to want to see someone like him safe and sound, someone that didn’t care about his own safety. But he was part of her group and it was inevitable. Crossing her arms over her chest, the girl kept her eyes on Alex. “Yeah, okay. In the morning sounds good.” As long as he kept himself safe. “Can you help me up, now?” Billie looked up.

Rivka pursed her lips as she studied the woman. The way she held herself was familiar. Military. “You are American,” she said. It was more of a statement than question. “Army?” Soldiers never changed. The woman’s shoulders were back, her head held high, and she seemed to have control over herself. Rivka could see it in herself and her own co workers at Mossad.

The words that left the woman’s mouth next were sort of surprising to Billie; the last thing the brunette expected the other to say -- or state, even -- was what she had said. “I take it you’re not.” Americans wouldn’t say something like that; not in her experience. However, the next question didn’t come as much of a surprise; it hadn’t been the first time someone could sniff the army people out in the midst of the apocalypse and it wouldn’t be the last. “Navy, actually.” Billie said, allowing herself to relax but leaving her body and muscles wary. “You?”

Piper seemed to still, body locked into a state of immobility as she ran Billie’s words through her mind. “You… took everything?”

Why hadn’t she expected this? Of course they wouldn’t leave anything to chance, perhaps if Logan had had someone else working with him, or just for their own private reasons to make off with the information. This wasn’t some insane crack-pot, that everyone involved was well aware. Logan knew exactly what he was doing, no matter how disturbing or gruesome the methods carrying out his research entailed.

Well, this at least cut down on a part of her journey. The trek back to the lab still lay ahead but, this way she wouldn’t have to sift through any particular lock and key in order to retrieve it. “So, you have all of what he wrote. That’s… that’s great,” Her voice exited breathless, fingers resting on the counter-top as she almost felt light-headed. “That’s wonderful! Where is it, then? I shouldn’t have to read back that far, it was only a few days… weeks? No no, days, I’m pretty sure it was within a week’s time - I’ve never read his handwriting before. Is it hard to decipher? Loopy writing, big, small–?” 

Getting way ahead of herself had been a strong suit for Piper. But for once, in what felt like years, the hunger had fallen to the back of her mind. And there was hope, a light at the end of this nightmarish tunnel. “Sorry, I know I’m rambling,” She began again, gentler, “Never mind all… whatever I said, just, tell me when I can read through everything and I’ll figure it out,”

Crossing her arms over her chest, Billie’s eyebrow rose when she heard Piper’s question. “Yeah, we did. We couldn’t leave everything to chance.” The probability of Logan having someone working for him that could continue his work and spread even more pain and suffering was a fifty-fifty kind of thing; too high for them to just leave every note, every recording and every theory behind. Who knew if the next mad scientist ended up being worse than the one they had already dealt with?

Billie’s eyes narrowed when she heard Piper’s next words, her mind trying to wrap itself around the redhead’s request. “I can’t just give you the notes, Piper.” The girl began, eyebrows furrowed, as if what she was saying was a widely known thing and she shouldn’t be saying it at all. It was a very sensible matter that could end up getting even more messed up if things started to get handed out like Oprah used to do to whoever went to her show. “Why did you think I would?” It wasn’t even her choice to give someone the notes; as far as she was concerned, it was something that ought to be discussed with everyone. At least those in the know. 

Parting her lips, she kept her eyes on Piper, absentmindedly shaking her head ever so lightly. “It’s not just something we can toss around, think about it.” Billie said, not saying much at all. If it was up to her, everything Logan had written ought to be burned; her expectations to get a cure in the first place were low and the pain tat would come of it would be greater than the help it’d give people, right? It wasn’t like everyone would get a shot at being cured. 

         This entire conversation was nothing but a cover up for the real talk they should be having, but neither of them particularly wanted to to discuss. The death of their people. The life they’ve been trying to make for themselves in this messed up situation and of course where they should go from now on. Because it didn’t matter if they were related or not, Samuel didn’t want her to be too far away from him. He wanted to be able to honor her brother by staying by her side. To be there for her if she would ever need his help. But for now he let himself enjoy their lighthearted conversation about the things they missed from their past lives and how much their current life would be easier if they’d have the comfort they once had. “Do you know what we all should do? We should celebrate this official lazy day” His entire face brightened up as he thought of the almost impossible idea. “It would be once a week and everyone should use this day to relax and gather themselves up to be able to survive for the long run. You know what I’m talking about” The idea of having one day to be able to grief the people they’ve lost. A day to try to fall asleep after all the horrors they’ve witnessed. A day to be with your loved ones or to stay by yourself. It seemed to be almost a wishful thinking to dream of a break, but right now it was all that he needed. Even before the virus he’d get a break from the war. Everyone needs a break or else they’ll eventually completely lose it. “Alright, alright I know you were their little sister and I know how they treated you. I was just trying to be nice, but like someone once said ‘Sam, you suck at pep talks’ and now we all know that I suck at trying to make people feel better” He tried to excuse himself but really there was nothing he could say or do, he did suck at comforting people and making them feel better. But he couldn’t help but laugh at his failed attempt of being nice.

In the middle of everything, having such a... casual and trivial conversation was a nice change of pace. Amidst all the death, the decay and the loss of humanity, thinking about things that they used to have was nostalgic, heavy and good -- all in a way that confused her. Still, Billie welcomed the lightheartedness of their talk, even if the heavy subjects that were far more important to talk about still lingered in the back of her mind. A small smile, though as genuine as they come, appeared on her lips as she heard Sam say that they should have a lazy day -- the apocalypse’s Sunday. A nice thing to think about, though it would be hard, if not impossible, to achieve. Someone, somewhere would ruin it, either because they simply wanted to or because the apocalypse had made them cruel. “I know, yeah, and it’s a nice thing to dream about, that’s for sure.” Billie spoke, looking at Sam before she crossed her arms and shook her head. “Don’t know just how possible it is, though.” Her voice was low, pressing her lips together as she shrugged her shoulders lightly; if she had little faith in people before, the whole thing with the scientist and her cousin only made that faith grow weaker and Billie wasn’t sure she wanted to allow herself to believe in it; at least not in the same way she did before. A chuckle escaped her, looking at her friend and letting a small grin appear on her lips. “Being someone’s little sister is like hell. You don’t suck at making someone feel better, not completely.” Billie teased, tilting her head a bit, a small smile still on her lips, though it diminished with every word that left her mouth. “It just depends on who you’re trying to make feel better, I guess.” And with her, it was a complicated situation. Billie wanted to feel good, she wanted to feel lighter from all the pain she feels. Another part of her, though, feels like she shouldn’t feel like that. Not after everything around her seemed to crumble down and it would make obvious she was the cause of it.