a mess

and many other scenes BUT SPECIFICALLY THIS ONE

As good as the fandom has been about not babying grace (at least from what ive seen) there's one thing that stands out. The refusal to let Grace be a coward, so lets talk about it

Grace as a person was cowardly and selfish, he was also an amazing teacher and a good person

These things can co-exist, actually

But i think people assume that if your favorite character or the character you relate to isn't this standing pillar of morality that it means you as a person are bad

Which, no????

But i think because of this idea a lot of people feel the need to "fix him" when YOU DON'T HAVE TO, JUST BECAUSE HE'S NOT PERFECT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S EVIL

He's still a good person! He just needed someone to take the first step towards bravery for him and that was his downfall, I've seen the take that if grace had been given a few more hours to consider it that he would get on the hail mary willingly, but i don't think he would, Grace on earth was able to be brave but he also was a lot more aware of the risk that being brave would bring, he wasn’t able to be brave on earth because he was cowardly and at least a little selfish

He didn't call the leading scientist in his field a "staggering waste of carbon" for selfless reasons, he called him that because he was hurt and angry that as he put it "his first original idea" was wrong, it hurt his ego (which let's be honest he probably had a decently sized one if he was this hurt by people not taking his idea seriously) so he did a complete 180, he snuffed his ego down as small as it could go and retreated to a place where he wouldn't be hurt again, because he was scared, because he was a coward, sure he loved teaching (I'd argue its his true calling) but that doesn't change why he started it

I also think his cowardice was the main reason why he was lonely

he didn't want to get hurt again, so he let himself be miserable instead, he only had one friend we know about on earth, and she barely gets a mention outside of explaining whats up with the patrova line, i honestly wouldn't be surprised if they weren't really close to begin with, at least not emotionally

But because people want to have him be this perfect little angel they remove a lot of that complexity and thats a damn shame

Ryland Grace didnt love the earth enough to be brave for it, he didn't love anyone enough to try and be brave

I firmly believe that if Grace actually had a healthy social circle back on earth that he would have gone on the Hail mary willingly

He just needed someone to be brave for and he didn't have anyone like that on earth, it took having medically induced amnesia for this man to let his walls down, its no wonder he didn't have anyone on earth to be brave for

But over the course of the book he changes, he was able to slowly start taking more risks, he was able to be brave

Id argue the first act of him being brave is when he lets rocky connect the two ships, its a risky move that could end terribly for him if it went wrong, but he still did it

"But wie!" I hear you lament "i thought he wasn't able to be brave without someone to be brave for! doesn't connecting the ships being his first act of bravery actively contradict that?"

No actually! Because he had someone to be brave for already!

Who you might be wondering?

Himself! Or at least who he imagined himself to be

See by this point in the story grace is still under the impression that he went up to space willingly and i think that by believing that it gives him a barrier between what hes doing and his need to not get hurt

Because if he was already willing (as far as he knows) to go up to space then he must be pretty brave right? So he should act brave!

Essentially i think he faked it till he made it

And as the mission kept going on, as he kept trying to save the world all while learning about himself i think he genuinely started to get less and less cowardly

To the point that when he learned he was forced into space he had already become the type of person who would willingly be sent up

And after having a breakdown (can't really blame him) he was able to completely put his life aside to save his friend, he didn't save Rocky as Ryland Grace the astronaut who sacrificed his life for the sake of the world

No

He saved him as Ryland Grace the teacher, the man who refused to go on the ship, the man who lived on a boat for four years, Rocky's friend

And at that point he didn't need someone to save for him to muster up the courage to be brave

Wille reached the middle of the room again and came to an abrupt halt. He couldn't keep doing this. He needed real movement, something to pour every last ounce of energy into until his knees were wobbly and his head finally a little quieter. Shucking off his sweats, he grabbed the first pair of training shorts he could find and pulled them over his legs. It was time to give the stationery bikes at the hotel gym a spin. Grabbing his water bottle, he reached for the gold handle of his room door and pulled it open, stopping in his tracks when he was faced with the person on the other side of it.  Simon had one hand lifted as if he'd been about to knock. It stayed there for a short moment as his eyes widened, then he seemed to shake himself out of his surprise and let it fall to his side. "Hey." "Hey", Wille got out, his throat having dried up to desert stage within the past couple of seconds. "Were you, uh, heading out?" Simon asked. "Me? Oh. No. Or, uh. Maybe. I– I wasn't expecting to see you here." Simon didn't laugh at his pathetic stammering. He also didn't roll his eyes, or cross his arms, or ask whether Wille had a problem with him being here. Instead, he stared back at Wille for an endless couple of seconds, before he nodded toward the room behind him. "Do you mind if I come in?"