Tori is going to see La La land 🐛

Like. The whole lead up to that scene is so good. The way Grace says no- and you still think something is gonna change his mind- just like he changed his mind when he ran out of the classroom. He's gonna do it, for his kids maybe?

But then he uses the children as an excuse not to go.

And just. Stratt telling him he has no choice, telling him he's gonna be put in a coma early- and then her telling him he's not gonna remember anything???? Grace literally begging for his life???????

I know everyone's talked about this whole thing so much already but it just fucks me up so bad that Graces entire life was turned upside for this project.

The kids he left in the classroom? Even if he came back after the hail mary left, they wouldn't be his students anymore. He effectively got kidnapped at the start, too. "Yeah, it was not voluntary" or however the line goes.

What fucks me up the most is that despite the miracle of Rocky and his extra fuel- is the fact that even if Grace ended up going back to earth, there probably wouldn't be anything there for him. He lost all of his friends- despite his inability to REALIZE he has friends who love him, he still had them- he lost his job and probably wouldn't really be able to return to teaching in the same way he did before, all of his kids would be long grown up, the people he knew would either be dead or too old- Grace would have lost years off his life. Not to mention how much earth would have changed in those years he was gone.

Like the inherent tragedy of Grace having absolutely no way of going back to his own life after this? That's what fucks me up.

And his memory. Who and what did he forget that just... never came back to him? Does he remember his childhood? Are there important people in his life that he just forgot and can't even mourn properly? Important milestones in his life that he's never gonna get back?

And yeah, sure, PHM is a story about hope and friendship, but the inherent horror and tragedy behind all of that just gets me so badly. The contrast of hope and horror just enhances both of those so much. The fact that there was such a happy ending to this story, too-

Grace may never get back to his old life, but he was given the chance at a completely new life. He got to live on an alien planet, where he's taken care of, where he gets to teach the young children of an entire alien race, where he doesn't have any reason to cry- because he's safe for once?

If Carl's heart wasn't already in a million pieces after Stratt told him the news, if it wasn't already sawdust when she told him he'll have to be prepared to catch him if he ran too far because he'll be more likely to seek out a person he trusts, then it was nothing but ash when he had to listen to Grace's cries and watch the wild, terrified look come back to his eyes from the way he held his arms in a vice grip. he couldn't escape if he tried.

the stars are really dying. if there's any chance at saving them, he'd take that chance.